I wonder, if RAID kills bugs dead, are there other kinds of killing bugs?
I smacked a few dozen bugs with my shoe, but they were killed just as dead as the bugs I killed with RAID.
I tried a few other methods of killing bugs, but they were all killed dead.
Then, I learned the art of Necromancy, and killed a few bugs undead.
They turned into zombie bugs, crawling around and acting creepy… well… nothing really changed much, because that’s what bugs do. Crawl around and act creepy.
I smashed them with my shoe to finish them off.
Tag: sick
Shave For Cancer
A friend of mine has cancer, and they’re starting radiation and chemotherapy soon.
All of their hair is going to fall out, so they went ahead and got it all shaved off.
Some people shave their heads in solidarity with their cancer-stricken friends, but that’s a bit extreme, I think.
Plus, I’m slowly going bald anyway, so if I shave it all off, there’s a good chance that it won’t all come back.
That’s why I’m going to shave my back hair.
I’ve got a salon coupon that my coworkers bought me for Christmas.
Hey, I can take a hint!
Pregnant
Strange things happen to women while they’re pregnant.
They sometimes have cravings for foods they never liked before. On the other hand, they reach for their favorite foods, only to discover that they taste repulsive and disgusting.
One friend who is pregnant used to like horseradish, but now find that they have a hard time with it.
So, I told her to give the horseradish a hard time back.
Instead of refrigerating the bottle after opening it like the label says, put it outside on a railing where it might tip over and fall.
That’ll show the fucker who’s boss.
Hitler
Monopoly recently retired the iron game piece and replaced it with a cat.
Their second choice was a die-cast figurine of Adolf Hitler.
Why Adolf Hitler would be wandering the streets of Atlantic City, purchasing property and building hotels, I’m not sure.
But you’ve got to admit that if you had a choice between the iron and Hitler, you’d go with Hitler in a heartbeat, right?
In fact, coming in second place in that beauty contest may have been the motivation for Hitler to invade Poland and Czechoslovakia.
If only he’d have come in first.
So many lives needlessly lost.
Dan Mauer
The Revival Laws clearly state that it is illegal to revive a person against their will.
It is also illegal to revive a person multiple times.
So, the seven starving Dan Bauers locked up in my basement would score me several lifetimes in jail if anybody reported them.
Nobody will.
Instead, a select audience of his victims watches them with sick delight, screaming and yelling as the revived duplicates attack each other and suffer over and over again.
No man deserves such a fate… or fates.
Except this monster: Dan Bauer.
Maybe next time, we’ll place bets.
Watch… and win!
Backwards
Dan challenged the entire company to go paperless by the end of the year.
He bought smartphones, laptops, and tablets for the staff, but they used those to play games and update their Facebook statuses.
He removed all the printers and copiers, so people would write down notes to each other.
Until he removed the pens and pencils from the building.
Employees were so resistant to change, they would take paper towels and toilet paper from the restrooms and smear them with blood and feces.
That’s when Dan quit and left. Because he was sick of working with crazy people.
Menorah
The kids hate going to visit their Grandmother in the rest home.
I don’t blame them. She was a royal bitch before the stroke, not much better now.
But if I don’t teach them to respect their elders, how will they treat me and their mother if something happens to us when we get old?
“See that pretty menorah?” I tell them. “We wouldn’t have it if your grandmother hadn’t have smuggled it out of Poland. Shoved up her ass.”
Okay, so she bought it for a wedding gift. And it’s fucking ugly.
But it sure shuts the kids up.
Red and Green
One of the most unusual ways to mark the holiday season would be to feed a meal to your guests that will make them piss green and shit red.
The idea came to me after I pissed green for days after St. Patrick Day.
“I’m halfway to Christmas,” I thought.
Then I passed out, because I was drunk off my ass.
After I recovered, I had to piss again.
Red and green piss came out.
“Christmas colors!” I said. “I did it!”
My urologist says it’s prostate cancer.
And it’s spread quickly.
Now, I’ll be lucky to see next Christmas.
You’re such a HO HO HO!
Usually, Santa’s so reliable on Christmas, delivering toys to all the good boys and girls.
However, this year he missed a lot of deliveries, and got a bunch of others mixed up.
It’s totally my fault. I’m sorry.
How so?
Well, I slipped some GHB into the milk I left out with the cookies, and it fucked up his memory.
Look, I only wanted to get a little holiday action with the jolly old elf, but I guess I put too much of the drug in there.
Still, it was worth it, even if I’m on the naughty list forever.
Milk and Fuck You
It’s a tradition to leave out milk and cookies for Santa, and you don’t mess with traditions.
Or so I thought.
I woke up to an angry fat man in red and white, smashing the plate of cookies against my face.
“CHEAP FUCKIN’ OREOS!” bellowed Santa.
Then he drank the milk. And spat it out. Right into my bloody, cookie crumb-covered face.
“SKIM MILK? WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS?”
I was too terrified to move.
“Tell the world I want caviar and champagne. Or I burn every motherfucking house down.”
He vanished up the chimney.
Next year, I’m doing Hanukkah.