Remember McGruff the Crime Dog?
He was a bloodhound in a trench coat that gave crime prevention tips.
But the truth was, Mcgruff was an actual crime dog.
He committed crimes.
Mostly robberies, stealing audio-visual equipment and computers from the schools he’d visit.
But sometimes, he’d sell drugs,
I mean, he had a whole display case full of them, and they weren’t just props.
They were real, and after the show, he’d sell them to the teachers and administration.
Why not, right?
But never to the kids.
I mean, he may have been a criminal, but he wasn’t a hypocrite.
Whirly swirly portal
Sometimes, with the right resonance, frequency, the barrier between worlds weakens, and a portal opens.
A point of light, then a swirling vortex of color… and finally, a glowing tunnel.
Strange glowing vapors and humming come from the tunnel.
Where does it go? Where does it lead?
I stick my hand in… it feels cold… and warm at the same time.
Dare I look? Peer deep into the void?
Nah. I don’t need that in my life.
I drag the garbage cans over and dump them into the tunnel.
It’ll save me a few bucks off of the trash tax.
In the bag
Renee loved her Hello Kitty sleeping bag.
She refused to go to sleep in anything else.
Sometimes, she’d have an accident, so her parents got her another one.
One for sleeping in, and another that could go through the wash.
She had a lot of accidents in her sleep.
The doctors took a while to figure out what it was.
Then, they knew.
There, in her hospital bed, in her Hello Kitty sleeping bag.
Through all the treatments, her hair falling out.
When the time came, they buried her in it.
Well, both of them. One inside the other.
Gandhi
Gandhi did a hundred mile march to the ocean to make salt.
It was a protest against salt taxes imposed by the British colonial government.
He knelt by the shore, pulled out a straining cloth, and laid it down on the sand.
Then he scooped water into the cloth and lifted the cloth to drain out the water.
Leaving salt in the cloth.
Soldiers politely asked Gandhi to accompany them to the local magistrate’s house.
He stood up, brushed the sand from his knees, and walked with them.
The townspeople cheered as he walked past, reaching out to touch him.
Passing the buck in the dark
The power went out again.
So, the property manager called the utility company.
Who washed their hands of the situation and posted a 4 hour resolution time.
The property manager then called the electrical contractor.
Who, after an hour stuck in traffic, stared up at the pole for another hour.
Then they called another contractor with a hoist and basket.
It took five minutes to reset the relay on the pole.
This whole circus has happened before.
But it keeps happening.
It’s not procedure… it’s passing the buck the same way every time.
And nobody ever fixes the real problem.
It never happened
I liked the first Dark Tower novel by Stephen King.
Worldbuilding with legends and myths in a parallel world.
So, I pretend the later crazy shit doesn’t exist.
The Matrix ended with the first film.
Kathleen Kennedy never raped another trilogy out of Star Wars.
And nobody ever remade Total Recall, Rollerball, or other perfect films.
If people ask, say “Those never happened.”
Hold a knife to their throat and, with wild eyes, repeat your statement until they agree and slink away like the deluded sad fuck they are.
You know, like how most gatherings at Thanksgivings and Christmases end.
Weekly Challenge #947 – Plain
LIZZIE
“Plain and simple. No more bickering, you hear?”
The kids nodded.
“We’re going to enjoy the trip to the sea.”
The kids nodded.
“And get rid of that right now.”
The kids chuckled.
“Don’t you chuckle, now.”
The kids nodded and took the chewing-gums from their mouths.
“This is not going to be easy…”
The train arrived and the nanny got distracted for just a split second.
A few minutes later, while looking for the tickets, she found… the gums, in her pocket.
The kids laughed and laughed, and thought that this would be a great trip to the sea.
RICHARD
Mob Rules
They do say that the best way to hide something is in plain sight.
It’s not.
The best way to hide something, is encased in concrete, deep within the foundations of a building, out of sight, out of mind and out of reach of law enforcement.
OK, take five and grab a coffee.
I’d never expected to have to attend workshops on criminal best practice when I signed up to the Mafia, but I was enjoying them, and learning a great deal in the process.
I was looking forward to the next session: ‘Sleeping with the fishes: A beginner’s guide.’
SERENDIPIDY
They asked me what I wanted for my last meal. I told them I’d like something bland, keep it plain and simple. Nothing spicy, nothing heavy or stodgy and something that wouldn’t give me indigestion.
It was bad enough being condemned to death, without worrying about enduring a dodgy stomach or a nasty bout of acid reflux on top of it.
I had chicken soup, with plain, crusty bread.
It was very pleasant.
Then they led me down to meet ‘Old Sparky’, strapped me in and threw the switch.
In the end, I got a good fry up, after all.
TOM
Do not Tom it up.
I’ve always been fascinated by words that do double duty. Like second and second. A thing of one and a thing of two. Or words that sound alike like berry and bury. Words like “set” with 430 different definitions. To shift from a noun to a verb is major word jujitsu. You hammer with a hammer. Saw with a saw. You can tie a tie. You can sin a sin. My favorite having spent time as a cabinetmaker’s apprentice is to plain with a plain. In the rain, possible in Spain. My goal for my name is to become an adjective.
NORVAL JOE
Since Sabrina had been awake all day, Billbert and his mother were let right in.
She lay under a plain white sheet with only her injured leg exposed.
Billbert said, “You’ve met my mom.”
His mother stepped to the bed and took Sabrina’s hand.
Sabrina shivered, and leaned forward to look at the external fixators protruding from her leg. The sheet slid away to expose bare shoulders. She stared intently at Billbert’s mother. “You have healing magic?”
Mrs. Wienerheimer smiled. “No. It’s my superpower. I induce efficiency. For the next half-hour your body will heal with greater effectiveness and speed.”
PLANET Z
Alicia died young.
Her body was wrapped in burlap and buried out by the big oak tree behind the house.
No headstone or marker.
Years later, after her parents sold the property to a developer, a backhoe uncovered her bones.
“Don’t say a thing,” said the contractor, throwing the bones into a plastic bag and throwing them into the construction waste dumpster.
It was a good mall, as malls go, until a bigger mall went up across town and everybody went there instead.
A diploma mill college moved into the empty stores, and a call center for online shopping returns.
CHATGPT
Martha lived in a plain, beige house surrounded by plain, beige fields. Every day was predictably the same, her routine as colorless as the landscape. One morning, while sipping her usual cup of plain black coffee, she noticed a single wildflower peeking through the dirt outside her window. Its vibrant petals were a striking contrast against the monotony. Inspired, Martha began planting seeds, transforming her yard into a riot of colors. As the flowers bloomed, so did Martha’s spirit. She realized that even in the plainest of places, beauty could flourish, turning the ordinary into something wonderfully extraordinary.
The four
One carried a knife.
Another carried a gun.
The third used poisons.
And the last used his bare hands.
Four bounty hunters, one target, and a huge stack of cash.
Divided… four ways?
No. The one with a knife took a bullet to the heart.
Divided… three ways?
No. The one with a gun choked on his drink and died.
Divided… two ways?
No. The one with the poisons was thrown off a building.
So, the brawler took the bounty?
No. The target paid him even more than the bounty.
And then killed him.
Another four bounty hunters were called.
Those spells
It is tradition to carve magic spells into the walls of a king’s tomb.
When King Foldo died, we did no different to his tomb.
So many spells we carved, so many wishes:
Thank you, O king, for your benevolent rule.
Protect the soul of our king.
Bring our king back to us.
May our king watch over us for eternity.
Allow the king to guide his descendants as they rule us.
Too many spells, it turned out.
Foldo’s mummy, compelled by all these powerful spells, roams the land.
He hunts us down, hoping to earn his release and rest.
Give me death
The great orator, Patrick Henry, stood before the Virginia Convention, exhausted from his speech calling for sending troops to fight the Revolutionary War.
But he was not finished.
“Give me liberty, or give me death!” he exclaimed.
A bony finger tapped his shoulder.
It was The Angel of Death.
The Convention fell to a hush. Henry pissed himself.
“How about both,” said The Grim Reaper, brandishing his scythe. “Where do I sign up?”
Death fought valiantly in the war, but was rather reckless, felling men on all sides.
Civilians and livestock, too.
As he did in all wars, I suppose.