After every handgun massacre, there are calls to outlaw guns. And there are the counter-responses that if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns.
The debate rages for a while, people get outraged over other things, and nothing gets accomplished.
So, I decided to break the cycle by outlawing signs that say I AM AN OUTLAW.
And sure enough, once those signs were outlawed, only outlaws had those signs.
Which made them really easy to to identify.
We rounded them up and killed them.
Sure, there were a few jokers and free-speech wackos with the signs.
Fuck those idiots.
Tag: dirty
Milton
The poet John Milton was married three times.
His first wife, Mary, gave birth to four children, dying while she gave birth to the fourth.
His second wife, Katherine, died while giving birth to their daughter Katherine, who died soon after.
His third wife was Elizabeth, who was much younger than him, and she lived eleven years with Milton until his death.
A plaque on the wall of her home describes her as Milton’s “Third and best wife.”
She wanted to put “Just a breeding sow” and “Second and lamest wife” plaques up.
Instead, she bought a pretty new dress.
That’s Super
Remember when Superman would hear someone shout “HELP,” and he’d run into a phone booth, and then run back out as Superman to save the day?
Well, there are no phone booths anymore.
So, how does Superman change?
Potable toilets.
Which, if you think about it, is what he should have been using all along.
Unlike glass phone booths, portable toilets have opaque walls, and no matter how fast Superman is when he changes, there’s still the possibility that someone’s going to catch a subliminal dose of Supercock or Superass.
I assume that’s how Lex Luthor became such an asshole.
Drink Me Baby
Sometimes, Trixie likes to trade bodies with me.
So, I got out the soulstones, handed her one, and swallowed the other.
And then we went to sleep.
The next morning, everything was grey, and I felt strange and awkward.
I tried to feel myself, but I didn’t have Trixie’s hands or body to feel with.
I was in the dog.
She’d covered her soulstone with peanut butter and fed it to the dog!
I’m in the goddamned dog now!
I barked a few times, and that’s when the smell hit me.
A bowl. Filled with anti-freeze.
I… just… can’t… resist!
Washing Balls
I don’t play golf with Father Cunningham anymore.
It’s not because he’s so much better than me.
It’s because of how he’s so much better than me.
“Oh, I just have Sister Mary say a blessing over my balls before I go out to play,” he said one day.
And I didn’t think about this at all. It was just a little divine intervention.
Heck, don’t we all sneak in a little prayer now and then to beg The Almighty for help?
Then, I realized that he always bought golf balls still in a package before every round we played.
Twins
Back during my dating days, I dated a woman with an identical twin sister.
But it didn’t work out.
Sure, the sex was great, and she was funny and smart, but her sister was jealous and tried to break us up.
Then, she impersonated her sister, and it totally sent things over the edge.
I didn’t realize what I’d done until the next morning, when I saw the butterfly tattoo on her left hip instead of her right.
Or was it supposed to be on her left hip?
“As if I care,” I said, and we did it again.
Twice.
100 Bottles
There are a hundred bottles of beer on the wall.
But I’m not going to take one down and pass it around.
Because I paid for all this beer, and instead of keeping it in the fridge or a cooler like I suggested, my stupid roommates lined the bottles up on the wall.
A few bottles have already fallen off the wall and shattered. Who will clean up this mess?
I pick up a bottle, open it, drink the beer, and break it on the counter.
Waving it around, I shout: “STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY BEER, YOU IDIOTS!”
Chopper
I’ve always been too afraid to ride in a helicopter.
Planes don’t scare me, and it’s not a fear of heights.
It’s just something scary to me.
A friend surprised me by taking me to a heliport and trying to get me in the helicopter for a tour.
I refused, so they got in to show how safe it is.
And they crashed.
The airport’s pretty far out, so another helicopter pilot offered to fly them to the hospital.
I declined the offer to ride along.
Now, I’m regretting it. I should have gone with.
Bitch has the car keys.
Oh Mirror, Mirror
Mirror mirror on the wall
Who is the fairest one if all
And how much does she charge per night?
Mirror mirror laying flat on the table
One line for me
One line for her
Unless she’s not into cocaine
Then I’ll do both
Mirror mirror on the ceiling
Not bad for fifty-seven
If I can’t see myself up there
Then there’s always the videotape
Mirror mirror on the side of the cab
She gives me her card, smiles, and is gone
I toss it in the trash
Mirror mirror in the bathroom
Move aside, I need my pills
Now
Princess
Remember when you got to the end of the dungeon in Super Mario Brothers, killed the bad guy, and saw:
“Thank you, Mario, but our princess is in another castle.”
Well, then, who the hell is this bitch?
And what is she doing all the way down here?
Seven princesses later, Mario finally rescues the “real” princess.
If it were me, I’d have given up and settled for the first one.
She looks the same. And I’m sure her kingdom wants her back and will pay a reward for her.
I’m done with jumping around. Go ask my brother Luigi.