BONUS STORY: George the Party Animal

George was a pirate, but he was not a very good pirate.
The crew did not like George very much, and that made George sad and lonely.
So, George left the ship, and he took a vacation
All night, way past midnight, he was a party animal.
And he drank. And threw up. And he passed out.
Then, he would sleep off his wicked hangover on the beach.
Over and over and over.
After a month, he returned to the ship.
The crew still did not like George very much.
But George was too drunk to care what they thought.

(Created with Shatoetry and The Hit Crew’s “Sailors Hornpipe”)

Davy Jones’ Locker

Davy Jones was the lead vocalist for the band The Monkees.
When people said that his locker is at the bottom of the sea, he’d shrug and smile and say:
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Maybe it belong to David Bowie? After all, his name was David Jones before he changed it to David Bowie.
You know, because he didn’t want to be confused with Davy Jones.
He’d also shrug and smile and say “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
I guess neither wanted to have to explain why there were so many dead sailors in it.

Shipyard

The shipyards aren’t what they used to be.
The only way to get a job in this town is to put on a pair of dead man’s boots if you want to work.
Go to the city and work in a factory.
What? My boots? These old worn-out boots.
Too big for you. And your brothers need me to provide until it’s time for them to set out on their own.
The city isn’t so bad.
And the factories are always hiring.
Maybe you could go Army? Navy? Something like that?
But the shipyards aren’t what they used to be.

Super Pirate

It’s hard enough hosting a Super Bowl party, but my drunk friend Sylvia decided to bring Pirate Lord Redbeard along as her date, and things were getting tense.
He kept calling for grog, but all we’ve got is light beer.
Then, someone pissed him off by saying “On the other hand” when you can see clear as day that he’s got a hook on his other hand.
“Sorry, I got off on the wrong foot there” was their attempt at an apology.
Redbeard stomped the jackass with his peg leg and stormed off.
Well, shit. Better prepare to repel boarders.

Pieces Of Eight Medal – Talk Like A Pirate Day

Most pirates spend their downtime at their favorite watering-hole, dockside brothel, or the local jail awaiting trial.
On the other hand (assuming you have another hand, and not a hook), Walter the Pirate had always dreamed of winning an Olympic gold medal.
He was a pretty good windsurfer, and none of his shipmates could beat him at Ping Pong, but he was best at freestyle swimming.
But what national team would sponsor him?
France?
England?
They had bounties on his head.
Eventually, Somalia sponsored him. (Somalia loves pirates), but he was disqualified for having a dagger clenched between his teeth.

George The Pirate ‘s Diction

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He never learned proper pirate-speak.
So, he scrawled a cheat sheet on his arm, but the ink washed off every time he fell into the water.
George fell into the water a lot.
He wanted to get the cheat sheet tattooed on his arm, but no self-respecting tattoo artist would agree to do it.
“We do mermaids and anchors,” said the Tattoo Artist’s Guildmaster. “If you’re too stupid to remember the words, just say YARRRRRR! a lot, okay?”
George smiled and said AVAST!
“Landlubber,” grumbled the captain.

George The Pirate Disfigurement

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
All the other pirates had some sort of disfigurement, such as a pegleg, a hook hand, or an eyepatch.
George tried to wear a pegleg, but it’s much easier when you have an empty pant leg.
The same goes for hooks and empty shirtsleeves.
George flopped and stumbled around on the deck like a fish out of water, his peg and hook waving in the air helplessly, and the entire crew laughed.
The captain couldn’t bear to watch the spectacle, so he put on a second eyepatch and sighed.

George The Pirate Ransom

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
A family had refused to pay the ransom for a prisoner taken in a recent raid, so the captain shouted “Keel-haul the landlubber!”
Keel-hauling involves tying a rope to someone and dragging them under the boat, scraping them along razor-sharp barnacles that have grown on the hull.
George, who was in charge of the keel-hauling crew, ended up tangling the entire boat in ropes, and the prisoner escaped.
After the ropes were untangled, the captain hung George upside-down from the mast for a week.

George The Pirate Is Good With Numbers

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was good with numbers though. He came from a long line of accountants and jewelers.
So, the captain sent George below decks and had him go through the plunder, appraising the booty and matching up pieces of eight.
George happily sorted through the rubies, diamonds, and emeralds, and he cataloged them in his book.
However, the doubloons were another matter.
“I’m not very good with jigsaw puzzles either, Captain,” he said, holding up the resulting mess.
It looked like a bust of the captain.
For once, he smiled.

George The Pirate Seasick

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Most pirates got their sea-legs in a few days, but George had never gotten used to the rocking and swaying of the boat, and the best place to find him was leaning over the rail, vomiting.
Even when the ship was docked. (He hadn’t gotten used to the swill served by the galley, either.)
So, he volunteered for land raids, and constantly asked the captain about a desk job.
“You know, with headquarters,” said George.
The captain smirked, and chained George into the crow’s nest for a week.