George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He said “Sorry” a lot, even though he wasn’t genuinely sorry.
He tried to feel genuinely sorry, but he never did.
“You’re not really sorry,” said a man that George had just stabbed.
George sighed. “You’re right,” he said. “I don’t feel sorry. But I want to.”
George sat down and wrote an apology note.
Then, he revised his draft, correcting his spelling and grammar.
Finally, he wrote a clean copy of the note and handed it to the guy he’d stabbed.
But by then, the man was dead.
Category: Talk Like A Pirate Day
George reality
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He couldn’t figure out why he was still a pirate.
Why would a crew keep an incompetent like George around?
That’s when George decided he was in a reality television show.
Every now and then, he’d stop and shake one of his crewmates.
“This can’t be real,” he’d say. “Fess up.”
But the pirates were pirates, not actors.
George peeked in every crate and cupboard for cameras and microphones.
Eventually, he gave up, and accepted that things were real.
“Real bad,” said the captain, writing the next day’s script.
George sees his reflection
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
The captain constantly shouted at George, making an example of George for the others.
“YOU’RE NOT A VERY GOOD PIRATE! WHY CAN’T YOU BE A GOOD PIRATE?”
When he was just getting his sea legs, he wasn’t very good.
But with time and experience, he got better.
It was the captain who wasn’t a very good pirate. Or a very good leader.
George looked at the crew and wondered who would make a good replacement captain.
Then he looked in his mop bucket, saw his reflection, and pondered mutiny.
George’s email
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He rarely checked his work e-mail, so he missed a lot of memos about training for new equipment or work schedule changes.
He also never bothered to delete his email. His inbox used up a lot of storage, and the ship’s quartermaster got on George about needing to clear up some space.
So, George created a rule to just automatically delete everything that landed in his inbox.
He still missed training session and work schedule changes, but at least the quartermaster was off of his back about meaningless shit.
George the Clown
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He wasn’t a very good clown, either.
But every Christmas, he’d dress up in his clown outfit and visit the kids in the hospital.
He tried to juggle, but he dropped the rubber balls.
The balloon animals would pop halfway through the twists.
He was just pathetic.
But the kids laughed, which is all that mattered.
They’d make drawings of him, a clown on a pirate ship.
He tacked them up around his bunk, and he’d read the letters while out at sea.
Until his return the next year.
George on Easter
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He believed in Santa Claus, The Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny.
For Christmas, he left out milk and cookies for Santa.
For The Tooth Fairy, well, George Brushed and flossed and wore a mouthguard in battle, so he had to rely on his crewmates’ teeth to put under his pillow.
And for the Easter Bunny, he put out a rabbit trap.
“Roast rabbit is delicious!” said George.
His crewmates stepped in the trap a lot.
Some got gangrene, and they’d need an amputation.
“Those aren’t delicious,” said George.
George gets audited
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was good about filing his tax returns, though.
He expensed his hat, boots, sword, and other essential equipment.
Which is why he got audited every year.
“You’re a… pirate?” said the auditor, looking at George’s paperwork. “If you perform at birthday parties, you’re an entertainer.”
“No, I’m a pirate,” said George. “Just not a very good one. I supplement my income with birthday parties.”
The auditor calculated the fine.
George tied him to a chair and set the room on fire.
Like we all wish we could do.
George and the turtles
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
While fleeing British pirate hunters, George tended to get lost among the islands.
Running low on supplies, his ship run aground, the crew fished for what they could, and ended up with nets full of turtles.
They cooked up the turtles, and devised a plan.
George opened a restaurant on the island, and people came from far and wide to attend the opening.
Pirates and British Navy sailors waited for hours for a table.
They never got one. George and the crew stole a ship and fled to safety.
George talks to himself
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He spent a lot of time swabbing the deck.
Every now and then, he’d pause and look at his reflection in the mop bucket.
Sometimes, he’d talk to himself.
The other pirates found this disturbing, and they asked the captain to do something.
“Maybe if you stopped shunning him and actually treated him nicely, he wouldn’t have to talk to himself in a bucket?” said the captain.
The crew pondered this, and then dumped the bucket on George’s head and pushed him overboard.
“That works too,” said the captain.
George and Wowbagger
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was a worthless navigator, awful swordsman, and a completely unreliable deckhand.
As he leaned on the starboard rail, a silver spaceship hovered by the port rail.
A ramp extended from the ship and a grey-green alien walked out.
“George?” it asked, reading from a clipboard. “George the Pirate?”
George turned around. “Yes?”
“You’re not very good,” it said. “I thought I’d let you know that.”
The alien turned around, returned to its ship, and the spaceship flew away.
George shrugged and went back to leaning on the rail.