George the Pirate Simulator

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He wanted to improve his pirating skills, but no coach wanted to train him.
And he was permanently banned from the Disney theme parks for using It’s A Small World as a training simulator.
The lines to Pirates of the Caribbean were too long, and they were both simple boat rides, right?
He tried to build an immersive simulator with virtual reality goggles.
As long as he remembered to use the controller, it worked well.
But he’d forget, and end up blindly slashing panicked crewmates with his all-too-real sword.

George and Rum

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Whenever it was time to go “Yo ho ho”, he’d forget the bottle of rum.
Or, when he had a bottle of rum, it would be gone by the time he remembered to “Yo ho ho.”
“What about scotch?” asked George. “Will scotch do?”
The other pirates shouted NOOOOO!
“You know, we could make the rum last longer if we used mixers,” suggested George.
Which worked out for everyone, as long as George remembered to wash out the blender when they switched from Daiquiris to Mojitos or Pina Coladas.

BONUS STORY: George the Party Animal

George was a pirate, but he was not a very good pirate.
The crew did not like George very much, and that made George sad and lonely.
So, George left the ship, and he took a vacation
All night, way past midnight, he was a party animal.
And he drank. And threw up. And he passed out.
Then, he would sleep off his wicked hangover on the beach.
Over and over and over.
After a month, he returned to the ship.
The crew still did not like George very much.
But George was too drunk to care what they thought.

(Created with Shatoetry and The Hit Crew’s “Sailors Hornpipe”)

Davy Jones’ Locker

Davy Jones was the lead vocalist for the band The Monkees.
When people said that his locker is at the bottom of the sea, he’d shrug and smile and say:
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Maybe it belong to David Bowie? After all, his name was David Jones before he changed it to David Bowie.
You know, because he didn’t want to be confused with Davy Jones.
He’d also shrug and smile and say “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
I guess neither wanted to have to explain why there were so many dead sailors in it.

Shipyard

The shipyards aren’t what they used to be.
The only way to get a job in this town is to put on a pair of dead man’s boots if you want to work.
Go to the city and work in a factory.
What? My boots? These old worn-out boots.
Too big for you. And your brothers need me to provide until it’s time for them to set out on their own.
The city isn’t so bad.
And the factories are always hiring.
Maybe you could go Army? Navy? Something like that?
But the shipyards aren’t what they used to be.

Super Pirate

It’s hard enough hosting a Super Bowl party, but my drunk friend Sylvia decided to bring Pirate Lord Redbeard along as her date, and things were getting tense.
He kept calling for grog, but all we’ve got is light beer.
Then, someone pissed him off by saying “On the other hand” when you can see clear as day that he’s got a hook on his other hand.
“Sorry, I got off on the wrong foot there” was their attempt at an apology.
Redbeard stomped the jackass with his peg leg and stormed off.
Well, shit. Better prepare to repel boarders.

Pieces Of Eight Medal – Talk Like A Pirate Day

Most pirates spend their downtime at their favorite watering-hole, dockside brothel, or the local jail awaiting trial.
On the other hand (assuming you have another hand, and not a hook), Walter the Pirate had always dreamed of winning an Olympic gold medal.
He was a pretty good windsurfer, and none of his shipmates could beat him at Ping Pong, but he was best at freestyle swimming.
But what national team would sponsor him?
France?
England?
They had bounties on his head.
Eventually, Somalia sponsored him. (Somalia loves pirates), but he was disqualified for having a dagger clenched between his teeth.