Collaborator

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“It’s a cookbook!” was the last thing Dr. Chambers heard before the spaceship door closed.
The Kanamint had said they were here to serve man.
Quite literally, as dinner.
Chambers sighed, slumped against the wall of the crowded cell, and slept.
He woke up, alone.
The door opened, and a Kanamint wheeled in a cart.
“Your dinner,” thoughtcasted the Kanamint.
At first, Chambers wasn’t hungry, but the smell was… captivating.
He took the lid off of the tray, tasted a sauce-covered cube, and moaned with delight.
“I must have this recipe,” he said. “Delicious!”
Eventually, they made him a chef.

The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln 13

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Walking carefully up the stairway, Abraham tried hard not to trip on any kittens.
Somewhere down the hallway, the cats were fighting again.
“Monsters!”
He almost made it to the top. Then, all of the sudden, a herd of kittens came down the hallway to the stairs.
The President reeled and grasped for the railing.
After falling four steps, he clung tightly.
“Oh Lord!” moaned Lincoln. “No more kittens!”
Mary Todd poked her head out of the sewing room. “But you said-”
“I think we’ve got more than plenty now!” shouted Abe. “Enough!”
They were coming back.
Abe braced himself.

Jihadi Squirrel

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The trembling from Parkinson’s dissipated, itself a victim of the destruction HIV was doing throughout his body.
The machines kept him going. Until…
They found the account numbers.
Dam-
He was gone.
And then he was back.
Yasser looked around.
No Paradise. No seventy-two virgins. No throne of Allah.
“What is this madness?” he wanted to say.
It came out as: “Chitter!”
Yasser scampered out of his knot-hole, down his tree, and he looked in the pond.
“Chitter!”
He looked around, and saw a squirrel in a tiny wheelchair.
Yassin?
He blamed the Jews, and declared a jihad. For…
NUTS!

Star What?

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I am not a loser. Dressing up for a movie premiere is fun, dammit.
I spent hours working on the makeup. It’s a pale cream-white body makeup. Leaves one hell of a rash later.
It’s worth it.
Ordered a set of special yellow-iris contacts. They scratch my corneas.
Got my hair cut short, gelled it flat. It will all fall out afterwards.
Lost seventy pounds to fit into the uniform, too. Those illegal diet pills may have caused massive hemorrhaging in my brain, but other than the facial tic I’m fine.
I’m so ready for The Revenge of the Sith.

Don’t Put Another Drachma In The Jukebox

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What’s with the singing box?
Well, remember the old story about Orpheus going to Hell to free his girlfriend?
He looks back – WHAM! Eurydice is back in Hell. A gang of women tear Orpheus apart, and his head falls into the stream, still singing.
Some chick puts the head in a box, sells it to a joint on the island, and it becomes the first jukebox.
Here it is. Just fifty bucks.
Problem is, it sings in Greek. It sounds so painful and sad, but beautiful. Too bad I don’t know Greek.
Do you?
Oh well. Still sounds beautiful.

Art of War

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“You sunk my naked chick!” yelled Bobby.
Joey laughed. “All I need is your Magritte pipe, and you’re so toast!”
Mandy and Greg smiled. They didn’t like war toys, so they figured that substituting the ships for works of art would help somehow.
Not exactly.
Twenty years later, they were in the courtroom as their sons were convicted of trying to steal Michelangelo’s David.
“I told you that the damn alarm was in B7!” growled Joey.
“I thought you said E4!” Bobby yelled back. “Asshole!”
They were sentenced to twenty years apiece
Bobby’s in cell F7. Joey’s in cell F8.

The Last Episode of Trading Spaces

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Vern likes ultramodern. Those fiber-optics they hung him with sparkle nicely.
Genevieve’s always barefoot. Someone tossed poisoned carpet tacks around the living room. Oops.
Laurie loves lemons. When life hands you grenades painted like lemons… too late!
Frank’s in the kitchen, brained by a pig figurine. Supper’s ready!
Christi had bold ideas for that fireplace. They didn’t involve being charred in it, though.
Nikki’s the noble one. She drowned in the commode. Sorry – the throne. Nice gold handle, though.
Kia specializes in curtains. Now it’s curtains for Kia.
Edward won the million bucks. That’ll buy a good lawyer.