Back in Ohio, we had a back yard with a hawthorn tree, a vegetable garden, and a storm drain.
Beyond that, there was an apple orchard.
We’d go out there and run around with the dog, catch fireflies, and play pickup volleyball and soccer games with the neighborhood kids.
It’s been almost thirty years since I was last there.
I looked up the location in Google Maps.
The orchard is gone. It’s now a pocket neighborhood filled with houses.
No more volleyball.
No more soccer.
No more fireflies.
Not that I give a shit. I don’t live there anymore, right?
The First Cut
Cat Stevens sang that the first cut is the deepest.
But my cousin proved otherwise.
Last Thursday, he went on a rampage in the Piggly Wiggly, stabbing and slashing 15 shoppers with a hunting knife.
A soccer mom with a concealed carry brought him down with three shots.
You probably saw it on the news or read it in the paper. Or however you get your news these days.
Oddly enough, a Muzak version of that Cat Stevens song was playing while he was cutting people up with his knife.
Coincidence? I’m not so sure.
I shop at Kroger, myself.
Weekly Challenge #574 – … what?
Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.
This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
We’ve got stories by:
JEFFREY
Creepy Ads
by Jeffrey Fischer
I find those targeted ads that show up while you’re browsing the web to be creepy. Just searched for William S. Burroughs on Amazon? Here’s an ad for Naked Lunch, and another for a big bag of heroin. Looking for a nice dress for your wife? Now Google Ads thinks you’re a cross-dresser.
I buy a lot of Doctor Who books, but, even so, when an ad for a sonic screwdriver showed up on my screen I said, “What the heck?” and took a closer look. I didn’t recognize the specific model, but it sure looked authentic.
Imagine my disappointment when the product turned out to be a fancy tactical flashlight. Dumb, creepy ads.
CHARLIE
What is the cue word? Why? WTF? Where did this come from? What is going on? Maybe I am over reacting, but I question directives when given capriciously.
I would, of course, welcome some explanation for the choice of this cue, or at the least, the origin of the cue word or words.
No disrespect intended, as I am profoundly aware of the wrath I face, given the past punishment I endured publicly for questioning procedures and protocols, hereabouts.
Consequently, I was invited to “eat a bag of dicks” by management when I submitted a benign question and comment. Remember?
RICHARD
What?
“What?”, he practically shouted, “I can’t hear you… You’re breaking up”
I settled back into my seat and smiled, then tapped the icon that would quietly brick his phone.
You might consider me mean, but believe me, I’m providing an essential public service. Nobody wants to involuntarily become party to a complete stranger’s excessively loud conversation, especially when it’s first thing in the morning, with a long day in work ahead.
So, by all means, make the call, but keep it short, and do keep the volume down; and if you won’t… Then I’ll happily make sure you can’t!
LIZZIE
“Go up the hill, then left. Take ten steps and turn right. Walk straight forward for about twenty steps and then walk back ten steps, turn left and then right. Go around the fountain in the middle of the square twice and then forward a few steps, say 10. You should see it.”
“What?”
“You should see it there.”
“Wait a second. Why do I have to take twenty steps forward and ten back?”
“For the same reason you have to go around the fountain twice.”
“And why is that?”
“If you haven’t figured that out yet, you never will.”
TOM
In My Blue Heaven.
“What?” yell Frank. “He has to go.” “I’m sorry I’ll clean the box more regularly.” “Frank he’s an Elephant.” “A small one.” “There is no such thing as a small Elephant, and even if such a thing were possible a one room apartment is not the place for said Small Elephant.” “Look at those eyes, he adores you Sal.” “Not going to work this time Frank, its him or me.” Frank got a thousand yard stare in his eyes. “I said him or me Frank.” More staring, “Good, Fine, Whatever.” Timmy looped his trunk around the door and Sal was gone.
JON
Attention
By
Jon DeCles
“Women always say that men never pay any attention to them,” said Alfred to his wife.
“Well, that’s true,” said his wife, Marie.
“I specifically asked you to stop putting so much pepper in the soup.”
“It’s just a habit. I’ll try and remember next time.”
“I’ve noticed a lot of those habits over the years. I ask and you ignore.”
“I’ll try and pay more attention,” she sighed, turning on the television and sitting down to watch.
“I’m tired of being ignored,” Alfred said, sitting down next to her, “so I poisoned your coffee tonight.”
“…what?” she asked absently.
SERENDIPITY
Something wicked this way comes…
From the darkest recesses of your tortured mind, it oozes, slithers, creeps and stalks from deep within the murky shadows, seeking us out, hunting us down.
It lurks, waiting, watching intently and ever patient, ever present, feeding on our fear, waiting in the darkness, brooding and lurking.
The night grows longer, our fears grow stronger; whilst the knowledge that something in the shadows – something unspeakable and vile – is waiting, waiting for us, waiting for the moment of truth, growing ever more terrifying.
So, be afraid, for something wicked this way comes…
But what?
TURA
…what?
———
The interview dragged on, the HR droid going through some memorised checklist while I gave the standard box-ticking answers.
Then he asked, “What is the state and progress of your soul?”
“Er… what?” I smartly replied.
“That is,” he droned, “where do you see yourself in five years? Are your feet set on the narrow path to salvation, or the easy, broad road that leads only down into the Pit?”
“The narrow path to salvation, definitely,” I said, guessing the right answer.
He sulphurously frowned, and the horns I had not noticed before twitched. “We’ll keep your resume on file.”
NORVAL JOE
In junior high, no matter what amazing things anyone had accomplished, Albert always seemed to have done something more impressive.
Like the time I announced at lunch, “I sold five cases of chocolates for the fundraiser”. Supposedly, he sold twenty.
I ran the mile in six minutes. He ran it in five and a half.
We set him up and told him I drank a gallon of milk in ten minutes and he said he could do it in five.
We handed him a gallon of milk and said, “Prove it.”
The look on his face said it all, “…What?”
MUNSI
On Li’l Jon
By Christopher Munroe
And then; The question of Li’l Jon.
A thorny question indeed.
Yes, he’s dated, and perhaps a little ridiculous, and I do respect that opinions on the man and his music are sharply divided.
Some people hear him and are like: “What?”
Whilst others respond: “Okay…”
But I’m always like “Yeah!!!”
Because for my money, no artist embodies the boisterous aesthetic parties requires than Li’l Jon, and for that reason, arguments against him aside, there will always be a place for him on my Party Bus.
He really takes me back.
Ah, 2004.
We were all so crunk back then…
PLANET Z
I’m sure you’re familiar with Abbott and Costello’s “Who’s On First?” routine.
The second baseman was What.
What played shortstop in college, but the team already had I Don’t Give A Damn as a shortstop, so they brought up What as a utility infielder, and he eventually settled in at second base.
Good at hitting and fielding, but not All-Star numbers.
After a questionable “Neighborhood” slide that broke his leg, What never quite had the agility he once had.
He ended his career as a decent designated hitter, got released, and ended up coaching a college team in the Midwest.
AntiVax
Bob and Cindy refused to have their son vaccinated.
“Those things cause autism,” they said on Facebook.
They lost a lot of friends that way.
The kid sat on the floor, rocking bath and forth, and he screamed every time someone tried to touch him.
“Your child has autism,” said the developmental psychologist. “Might as well get him vaccinated for the special education program.”
Bob and Cindy still refused, and mumps raged through the class of retards.
The other parents lynched Bob and Cindy.
And their kid.
What was his name?
It might as well have been “Patient Zero.”
Shark Whisperer
As crazy as it sounds, there are more kinds of whisperers than just horse whisperers.
There’s dog whisperers, cat whisperers, and even shark whisperers.
Yes, shark whisperers.
I heard about one the other day. He went out on a boat with some guys. They threw him in the water to whisper to some sharks.
Now that I think of it, the guys were with the mob. And they dragged that guy on to the boat. Oh, and he had a gambling debt.
Yeah, he was a shark whisperer. And you better believe it, if you know what’s good for you.
Electric Sheep
Androids do not dream of electric sheep.
Electric sheep are yesterday’s news.
They’re as out of date as clockwork sheep, steam-powered sheep, and those messy organic models.
Nowadays, nuclear sheep are all the rage.
It doesn’t take much to power a sheep.
Just a fuel pellet every year or so.
What happens to the depleted fuel pellets?
Your annual maintenance contact takes care of those.
While working on the motors and gears, the mechanic changes out the fuel supply.
Don’t try to service them yourself.
That’s what androids dream of, you know.
All their human masters, withering away to death.
The Sauces
Of all the little piggies, the one that people most often overlook is the one who had roast beef.
Every day, you could find him at the Arby’s, ordering a roast beef sandwich or two.
Did he ever get curly fries?
Did he ever get a Beef and Cheddar?
Did he ever pick up a Coke or Dr. Pepper to wash them down?
Nope. Just the roast beef sandwiches.
“What about ham?” a customer asked. “Do you have any ham?”
The little piggy went wee wee wee as they dragged him into the back and prepared him for the slicer.
Offend by Tura
I stared gloomily at the next case file. Young offender, no education, employment, or training. Scrawny, wouldn’t last a week at a manual job. Two parents, although the man isn’t his father. But hell, none of them are worth a damn.
They live on Universal Basic Income, but what do you do all day if you’re not smart enough or strong enough to earn a living?
I’ll suggest he goes to university, like all the others. They’re not allowed to turn anyone away nowadays. Maybe one in a thousand gets something from it. But then, I always was an optimist.
Signs
Koko is a gorilla that scientists taught how to use sign language.
She communicates with her researchers, has owned cats as pets, and likes it when people visit her.
Scientists taught other animals to use sign language.
Chimpanzees and orangutans use it, although they’re better with pictogram boards.
Symbols which represent things like food and sleep and hello.
And many herding dogs know hand signals, too.
Follow. Chase. Home.
One scientist tried to teach sharks how to use sign language.
But all they ever understood was “Tear me into small bloody chunks.”
I guess that makes the sharks really smart.
Rererenactment
I live in a Southern town.
It’s so Southern, we dress up in Union and Rebel uniforms and reenact the Civil War.
The reenactors put a lot of effort into the uniforms and equipment.
Unlike the guys who reenact the reenaction of the Civil War.
Those guys just go through the motions, wave their plastic guns around, then drink a lot of beer.
Then they go home. and their wives bitch about them getting their blue and grey Snuggies all dirty.
But they’re still better than the ones who reenact the reenactment of the Civil War reenactment with video games.