The 100 Word Stories Podcast

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

We’ve got stories by:

• Munsi
• Charlie
• Jeffrey
• Richard
• Lizzie
• Tom
• Jon
• Tura
• Serendipity
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

MUNSI

On Offensiveness
By Christopher Munroe

Although I never intend to offend, some do take offence when my Party Bus rolls into town.

It might be the near-naked go-go dancers atop of the bus, or the shockingly loud music we play, but whatever it is, time and again something, somehow, manages to offend a certain portion of the population.

Which is a shame, as like I said, this is never my intent.

I blame the offended parties.

After all, if I don’t mean to offend, yet you somehow draw offence, how can it be anything but your fault?

You need to learn to be less sensitive…

CHARLIE

Tasteless Instagram images offend me only slightly less than the number of people that insist on peppering their speech with “absolutely”. Bobkes mit kadokhes! [YID. Shivering shit balls.]

I don’t know what sex uses this word more frequently, but I think its women. They could use another word, like “yes”, or “completely” for a while and my brain and stress would subside-possibly heal enough, readying itself for the next onslaught of popular, spoken pap I see and hear in social media and on the radio and TV.

Little things like this annoy me, as does ignorant humans all around me.

~
Charlie LaCrosse
“A little consistency never hurt anyone.”

JEFFREY

Face the Media
by Jeffrey Fischer

“Frank, you stink.” Hmm, that didn’t seem like a normal greeting. Besides, we weren’t even in the same room.

“Hi, Bill. Nice to see you, too.” We were appearing on a segment of “Face the Media” to discuss the recent missile strike on Syria.

“Yeah, sure. Nice to see your lying face, too, even if you’re going to unload a steaming pile of shit on our viewers.”

Bill added, “Oh, and you’re a filthy, Christ-killing Jew, too.”

“Now wait a minute! There’s no need for this name-calling. Can’t we have a civilized discussion without resorting to insults? And, not that it matters, I’m not Jewish.”

The moderator nodded. “Bill, I think you owe Frank an apology.”

“Oh, fine. If I have offended anyone with my remarks, too bad, I mean, I’m sorry.”

And thus began another week of political talk shows.

RICHARD

PC

It seems you can’t say a damn thing these days without running the risk you’ll offend someone.

Even the most innocent comment or action can result in accusations of racism, insensitivity, being bigoted, or the latest trendy buzzwords: cultural appropriation. It’s a minefield!

I can’t say that I’m bothered – political correctness has gone way too far in my opinion. It’s about time people stopped getting offended, and started getting a sense of perspective and common sense.

And, if you don’t like it – I’ll happily tell you what you can do about it…

Except, I know you’d be offended!

LIZZIE

The family gathering was supposed to be a fun get-together, but it never was. Everyone pretended it to be great. Long time no see, you look great, and heavier, you’ve grown to look just like your mother, big nose and all. The usual remarks and the standard sarcasm. However, they would all go back, each year, for the family gathering.
Until that day when grandfather, whom they thought was hopelessly senile, put everyone back in their places.
“Have I offended anyone?”
The silence marked the end of the family get-togethers, well, until grandfather’s funeral, that is, where everyone met again.

TOM

The Retainer

“I don’t mean to offend,” said Sal Lowenstein “but you’ve run out of options here.” Maro Tissy spaded his weather hands across the table, stared his lawyer square in the eyes. “No offends taken, but I do not see a lack of options. Perhaps an associate of yours would be willing to go seek out Rubin?” The lawyer raised back open hands and turned his head to the right. “That is some heavy weight shit to set in motion We’re talking a federal judge, that come with a world on pain if … ” “Thanks Sal, but it is time.”

JON

How Shall I Offend Thee
By
Jon DeCles

How Shall I offend thee? Let me count the ways.

First, by using the wrong honorific.

Did I call you Miss when you are a Missus or a Mz? Call you Professor when you are a Doctor? Call you a She when you are a He, or a He when you are a She? –I’m sorry, I won’t call you They unless there is more than one of you. –But you are not stuck in an ungrammatical Otherness, because I have no desire to offend anyone. From now on I am using the non-gendered Japanese San, which covers everyone.

TURA

Offend
———
I stared gloomily at the next case file. Young offender, no education, employment, or training. Scrawny, wouldn’t last a week at a manual job. Two parents, although the man isn’t his father. But hell, none of them are worth a damn.

They live on Universal Basic Income, but what do you do all day if you’re not smart enough or strong enough to earn a living?

I’ll suggest he goes to university, like all the others. They’re not allowed to turn anyone away nowadays. Maybe one in a thousand gets something from it. But then, I always was an optimist.
———

SERENDIPITY

Here are the rules: You do as you’re told; you don’t draw attention to yourself; you do absolutely nothing to offend me.

You see, I have a badge and a uniform, a clear idea of my responsibilities, and I’ll never let down those who put their trust in me.

To you, I may just be a ticket inspector, but in reality, I’m the first – and last – line of defence against fare dodgers, cheats and con artists.

So, go ahead… Try your luck.

But you won’t be the first to meet their maker beneath the wheels of my train!

NORVAL JOE

In an attempt to increase national revenue, the landlocked pseudo-nation of Burgerslovegia invested in a luxury cruise liner.
Cost analysts recommended for the best profitability the ship should spend the least time in port possible. To achieve this they had passengers disembarking aft while new passengers boarded fore. The cleaning crew scurried between the two groups to get the compartments clean for the arriving passengers.
Not understanding the difference between fore and aft, confusion ensued when disembarking passengers tried to exit at the on-end and arriving passengers tried to board from the off-end.
Needless to say, everyone was quite annoyed.

PLANET Z

Every morning, I get up, get ready, and get in the truck to drive to work.
Rowdy Rob and The Radio Gang are talking to naked strippers or hookers again.
They’re going to prank some guy into thinking his wife’s dead, or sick, or leaving him.
They do this every Thursday.
Some people find it funny, but I think it’s sick and offensive.
Why the hell are these people on the air?
The only reason I have them turned in is to force me to play music from my phone.
So, I do… and Rowdy Rob is silenced once more.

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

We’ve got stories by:

• Jeffrey
• Charlie
• Richard
• Tom
• Jon
• Serendipity
• Lizzie
• Norval Joe
• Laieanna
• Tura
• Planet Z

JEFFREY

Errata
by Jeffrey Fischer

Betsy was an efficient secretary but had difficulty adapting to new technologies. Her responsibilities included taking dictation and transcribing the dictation for signature. She made few typos, and those were easily corrected with a dab of White-Out.

When the office removed Betsy’s beloved Smith-Corona and replaced it with a word processor, Betsy was confused but soldiered on. Dictation, typing, correction fluid. Turns out that scraping White-Out from a CRT was no easy matter. Management wanted to fire Betsy on the spot, but HR insisted they give her another chance.

One day the computers were gone, replaced by technology that imprinted words directly on one’s retina. Head gestures replaced keyboard commands. Betsy was ready with her dictation equipment and her trusty bottle of White-Out. She retired on disability pay when the doctors said the blindness was permanent.

CHARLIE

As he drifted into the curb, his back wheels broke traction and he slid far to his right. He knew he had to correct and use the power to get out of the spot he was in.

He downshifted, and pushed his foot into the accelerator, hoping he could power out and still have control of the heavy sedan.

His Uber passenger in the back seat was screaming and trying to dial the office on her cell phone. She couldn’t dial, as her big ass was sliding back and forth across the leather seat.

Almo was fired the next day.

RICHARD

#1 – Tooth

When I was a youngster, I had an errant tooth – rather than grow in the correct place, it decided it would be fun to erupt right in the middle of my palate, like some bizarre enamel stalactite.

Two hours of orthodontic surgical torture, and three years of braces and retainers later, and now I have a snaggletooth that they never quite managed to correct.

Personally, I could have done without all the drama and pain – just yank the damn thing out is my attitude.

Which is probably why my kids are always so terrified about visiting the dentist!

#2 – Coffee

What’s the correct way to make coffee?

It depends who you ask – the Greeks, Lebanese, Italians and French all tell you something different. Ask an Aussie, and an Indonesian and they’ll have their own take, as do the Dutch and the Spanish.

Some will have nothing but a short, black espresso, whilst others think the perfect coffee requires copious squirts of flavoured syrups, a dash of Baileys, or beans that have travelled through the intestines of a rodent!

I have my own opinion, but I know one thing: No matter how you take it, Starbucks have got it wrong.

TOM

Pre-Post-Dystopia

If Jimmy had been correct once, just once, life might have worked out for the poor little urchin. It wasn’t so much as a lack of brain power, he had considerable street smarts. It was that refined social etiquette that let you move effortlessly through the maze of class land mines. In the decades since The Thinning you were pretty much on two side of the tracks or the other. Those on the side with the goodies, life was pretty good. Those on Jimmy’s side had to keep an ever consistent eye on the baddies. Jimmy was bad for good.

JON

The Correct Answer

By

Jon DeCles

“The correct answer is…

“No, wait, I’ve got it this time! The Thlacine! The Marsupial Wolf!”

“No, I’m afraid the correct answer is…”

“Wait now, this is really important. -The Smilodon! The Saber-Toothed Cat.”

“That’s not it either. The correct answer…”

“Look, you know my life depends on this. –I’ve got it: the Dire Wolf! That’s it!”

“That is not it. The correct…”

“The Demetrodon! That’s the answer!”

“That is not the answer. The correct answer is…”

“The Veloceraptor! Tyranosauros Rex!”

“Without the correct answer you are going through that door to meet…”

“Surely not a pack of Hesperonychus elizabethae?”

SERENDIPITY

The Haven Correctional Home for Beastly Children takes a firm approach to enforcing discipline.

We’ll happily employ flogging, shackles, waterboarding, and what critics might consider more extreme forms of control – the fact is, we’re incredibly successful at what we do: Once a child has been through our processes, they’ll never return to old habits.

So, what sort of deviant behaviours earn a place on our programme?

Nail-biting, speaking with their mouth full, nose picking, staying up past bedtime… You get the idea. These are the type of bad behaviours that we guarantee to correct… No matter what it takes!

LIZZIE

“Didn’t I tell you not to stand at the back of the room, staring at the ceiling? I find that extremely annoying, not to mention distracting. You cannot just stand there in silence. You haven’t said a word since the course started. Your attitude is totally unacceptable,” said the teacher, furious.
Without any sudden movements, the student pointed at the ceiling and everyone looked up.
A gigantic spider had built a massive spider web where huge flies were stuck and desperately fought for their lives.
“Correct me if I’m wrong, sir, but that’s quite the life lesson, wouldn’t you say?”

NORVAL JOE

Benny peered up at the man standing in the doorway. His Roman nose and strong jaw gave him a regal appearance.
“King Lear,” Benny said. “It was you all along.”
“Correct,” the man said, holstering his pistol and looking toward the door to the stairwell.
Suddenly it all made sense. Benny said, “You weren’t after me. You wanted to draw Juliet out of hiding.”
“Correct, again,” Lear said, and headed for the stairwell. “Thanks for your help, Benny.”
A bullet between the shoulder blades knocked Lear to his knees.
“You’re still in love with her?” Lear gasped.
“Correct,” Benny said.

LAIEANNA

Hank always imagined being on a game show. He didn’t care which one;
he watched them all. When Hank finally had an opportunity to really
play, he proved his worth, answering questions correctly and amassing
quite a sum, but Hank had never anticipated the additional pressure
and anxiety. Upon winning, down fell balloons and the host approached
to shake his hand. The stress became too much. Before millions, Hank
heaved and vomited over the horrified host. Despite his brilliance and
wealth, Hank was forever going to be remembered for one thing, and
from that was born his nickname Hurling Hank.

TURA

Correct
———
A tax official was subjected to an inspection. Clerks examined his accounts, the records of those who had paid taxes, and the records in the capital of remittances received. They found that his assessments and collections were correct in every detail. Not the smallest copper coin or bushel of rice was out of place.

General Wei pronounced, “When a story is perfectly correct, it cannot be true. Perfection is not to be found in the Middle World. Therefore, let this tax collector be sent to attain the perfection of the heavens.”

The tax collector confessed his crimes before being executed.

PLANET Z

Baron Otto Von Correct was the Grammarian of Bavaria, walking around and correcting other people’s grammar.
His staff would levy fines against serial offenders, who would complain to the local magistrate about the Baron’s behavior.
“There isn’t an actual Office of The Grammarian of Bavaria,” said the mayor, wadding up each ticket and throwing it in a wastebin.
The mayor ordered his men to round up the Baron’s men and lock them in the city jail.
The Baron himself was beaten to death and thrown into the river.
He had nothing to do with AutoCorrect.
I just don’t like Germans.