Weekly Challenge #910 – Afford

The next topic is Blue Sky

RICHARD

“Well, I think I’m more than qualified, and I tick all the boxes for your requirements.”

I smiled at each of the members of the interview panel, in my most disarming fashion, then followed it up with…

“Of course, the big question is, can you afford me?”

The chairman frowned, then smiled back broadly.

“Son, I like you. You’re arrogant, self-assured and you seem to have balls of steel. Exactly the sort of person we need in this company.”

I leaned back in my chair, a smug grin on my face.

“However, you’re right… We can’t afford you. Sorry!”

TOM

The River was Wide

Vast and turbulent the river ran the length of the valley floor. Gunter nudged the horse forward. The horse was having none of it. He had hope to cut the journey in half, but that was becoming apparently not an option. A scrawl on scrap parchment marked a long abandon crossing. It was said that was where Saint Martin of the Lake had led the children of the corn to safety after the Huns had swept through the valley. Gunter came in sight of the crossing at dusk. It was not every sturdy but all the same it was a ford.

SERENDIPIDY

Over the years, I’ve learned that – no matter how much I demand – somehow, parents are always able to come up with the asking price, whether they can afford it, or not.

Sometimes, it takes a severed finger, or an ear in the post to convince them, but I’ve never failed to collect.

I’m not greedy though. Mainly because large quantities of cash are difficult to launder. I reckon 25k for a child is pretty reasonable, and nobody seems to struggle raising the cash.

This time though, for triplets, it’s going to cost you dear.

And I don’t do bulk discounts.

LIZZIE

Time. Definitely a luxury not everyone can afford. To plan a trip by train. How enchanting and mysterious! To pack your clothes neatly in a nice vintage bag. To catch a cab to the station. To enjoy the ambiance of that Victorian style. To slowly make your way to the train. To look at the station clock, 10:52. Eight precious minutes. The man was found while she was walking out of the station, a neat little bullet hole on his forehead. When the cops asked her why she had packed a bag, she replied “Because I am a professional!”

NORVAL JOE

As the van sped away, the officer turned back to the teenagers. “You six are under arrest.”
In an instant, the teenagers ran off in six different directions. Taking advantage of the distraction, Billbert slipped into the forest and hid behind a large rhododendron.
The cop stomped around in circles, shouting, “I can’t afford to waist my time.” He ran into the forest toward the Withybottom’s mansion.
Billbert followed slowly, until he heard the police car race away.
Stepping from the trees, Billbert looked up at the mansion and asked, “How can a carpet salesman own such a big house?”

PLANET Z

The headlines say:
Inflation is out of control.
Nobody can afford anything anymore.
Gas, rent, food.
College and health care, too.
Those are way too expensive for anyone to afford.
And yet, I see people driving around and buying things.
It must be my imagination then.
I’m imagining people driving around and buying things.
And when I drive around buying things, I’m imagining myself, too.
Nothing is real anymore.
So I drive home, turn on the television.
College football is on.
Packed stadiums full of people eating and drinking.
Watching so-called student athletes beating the crap out of each other.

George fixes the ship

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was pretty handy at repairs, though, considering all the experience he had with shipwrecks and battle damage.
George would go around the ship, fixing beams and boards, hammering nails, and plugging leaks.
Then he’d sew up the holes in the sails, and replace any frayed ropes in the rigging.
When George was done, he’d go back into the diving bell and call the captain to be raised to the surface.
“Okay, everything’s fixed,” said George. “Now how are we going to bring it back up to the surface?”

George the lifeguard

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When he wasn’t being a pirate, he volunteered as a lifeguard at the local beach.
“I know there’s no pay, but if I rescue someone, can I ransom them for a reward?” asked George.
“Sure, whatever,” said the county commissioner. “As long as they don’t drown.”
George racked up an impressive safety record at the beach.
There were some complaints about the whole ransom thing.
“All I did was threaten cut off a finger or two,” said George. “And maybe cut off part of an ear. But nobody drowned.”

George and the porn stars

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Once, he came across a yacht full of adult film stars, laying around naked in sleazy poses, and a photographer was snapping photos.
George demanded all of their gold, jewelry and money.
“Oh, this jewelry’s fake,” said the photographer. “But that’s a nice ship you’ve got there. Maybe the girls could dress up as pirates for a photoshoot?”
George agreed, and they included him in some of the photos.
Pretty soon, George’s ship became a party hotspot.
Most importantly, the models and porn stars brought real jewelry to steal.

George the wedding planner

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Most pirates would select another pirate to act as a wife.
Becuase, you know, being out at sea for long periods of time and all.
George didn’t have a pirate wife, but it wasn’t because he was a homophobe or anything.
He was too busy planning weddings for all the other pirates.
He got himself ordained as a minister and set up a catering service.
Things went well for a while, until the pirate divorces started.
George shouldn’t have included a lifetime warranty and money back guarantee, I guess.

George the trainer

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
So, of course, he ended up as the ship’s trainer.
George trained all of the new recruits on safety and basic tasks, like how to make their bunk.
“You’re doing a lousy job, George,” said the captain.
“But I’ve trained a hundred men!” said George.
“Only because most of them died in their unmade bunks,” said the captain. “We keep having to recruit more.”
The captain ordered another pirate to train George.
The trainer died in his unmade bunk.
“Oh, just swab the fucking deck, George,” growled the captain.

George the translator

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Because he was fairly useless in raids and battles, he found himself serving the crew in other capacities.
Mostly, he served as a translator for the crew so their enemies or hostages had an accurate version of what they were saying.
“Guts for garters? said George. “The captain’s kinda angry.”
George drew diagrams for things like Davy Jones’s Locker, and he’d worked up a functional shoebox diorama that demonstrated keelhauling.
George pulled the string to drag a doll across the ship’s hull.
“Brilliant,” said the hostages. “That explains everything.”

Weekly Challenge #909 – PICK TWO Opportunity, ABC, Thermostat, Diddums, Sponsor, Old Master

The next topic is Afford

RICHARD

Like Father, like son?

Dad used to turn down the thermostat at every opportunity. He’d constantly take me to task about leaving lights on, and he’d invariably shout “Shut that door! Were you born in a barn?” whenever I walked into a room.

It was only many years later I discovered I was indeed born in a barn, and that the gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh which were supposed to be for my benefit – and which would have more than covered our heating and lighting costs for years to come – he’d spent on hookers and gambling.

Turns out, he wasn’t my dad, either!

TOM

ABC-s
My best friend has always been a prodigy. He was able to do his ABC-s when he was five years old. Like the old masters of old he amazed his teachers with his internal logic. He also had the strength of conviction to adamantly defend his point of view. It is hard to dispute the precision of the ABC song. A totem embedded in out learning DNA. The 12th letter of the alphabet is actually l-m-n-o-p. In meter and form its lmnop. Oddly modern English usage fails to embrace lmnop. In the vernacular we have Look Man, Not Our Problem.

SERENDIPIDY

It turns out, the painting I scrawled over with magic markers was an old master, worth a fortune, and now ruined.

How was I to know?

I was just a kid, barely able to master my ABC, and to me it was simply a pretty picture, something to play with and keep myself amused.

My parents certainly were not amused when they found out. They locked me up in the cellar, and that’s where they’ve kept me, ever since.

One day, I’ll escape, and when I do…

Well, you can probably guess!

Or, perhaps I should paint you a picture?

LIZZIE

The sign said Pirate Parking Only. If you weren’t a pirate, you’d be scuttled away at your own expenses. Diddums!
OK, fair enough, thought the Captain of the pirate ship.
But the truth was that he had to prove his pirate status.
He took the opportunity and started bragging.
Oh, we looted a Spanish galleon. Prove it. OK, we have these jewels of the Spanish Crown. Prove they’re not forgeries. They’re not forgeries! Prove it.
Infuriated, the Captain said “You, son of a biscuit eater!”, but the result was only laughter. He would definitely have to work on his insults.

NORVAL JOE

The old man at the steering wheel glanced at the teenagers. “They’re not with me. I’m just cooling down my engine. I think my thermostat is broke.”
The cop took this opportunity to question the youths. “Is that true, or do you know this man?”
The foremost of the six teenagers frowned as if challenged by the question. “Um. He looks like our guild sponsor, Clarence Diddums. And we did get out of this van.”
Startled, Billbert asked, “Do you admit you’re members of the Guild of the Black Knights?”
With everyone distracted, Clarence started the van and sped away.

PLANET Z

We signed up for one of those reduced cost electric plans.
The company installed a free smart thermostat and free smart plugs in our house.
And gave us a big rebate to upgrade our water heater and climate control system for more efficient hardware.
We can monitor and control everything in the house now.
But so can the electric company.
On hot days, when the grid is overloaded, they raise the thermostat so it’s hot and sweaty inside.
And on cold days, when the grid is overloaded, they lower the thermostat so it’s chilly inside.
And raise the rates more.

George feels good to be back

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
After a very bad month of piracy, George had a nervous breakdown and ended up in the hospital for broken pirates.
He attended pirate group therapy, did pirate yoga, and made pirate maps with fingerpaint and crayons.
The nurses, doctors, and therapists worked with George, and he was eventually deemed fit for duty again.
“Welcome back, George,” said the captain.
“It’s good to be back,” said George.
George put on his hat, strapped on his sword belt, picked up a map, and swabbed the deck. “Good to be back.”

George and Future George

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
One day, while leaning on his mop and looking out over the ocean of clouds, there was a flash of light.
Standing there was George, a little bit older, fancy clothes, nicely trimmed beard, and a captain’s hat.
In his hands was a silver box with lights and buttons.
“Things will get better,” said the older George.
The younger George was surprised, stumbling and dropping his mop, and he knocked the older George over the railing.
George picked up the box, shrugged, and went back to watching the clouds.