John Madden

John Madden had three rules for his team:
Be on time, pay attention, and play like hell.
And his players were on time, paid attention, and they sure played like hell.
One of the Madden rules wasn’t “Wear a suit and tie on the plane.”
He said that kind of crap never won a damn game, so he didn’t care what they wore as long as they wore their pads and jerseys on the field.
As long as they were on time for the flight.
I wonder if Madden’s Raiders still alive will wear suits and ties for his funeral.

The Upstairs Neighbor

This apartment complex has gone downhill as of late, and the kind of people they’re bringing in are getting worse and worse.
We’ve had good luck with upstairs neighbors being quiet, but the latest is a single mother with kids that run and stomp around and scream and throw tantrums.
I filed complaints, but nobody’s done anything.
So I went upstairs, knocked on the door, and complained about the noise.
She said “Fuck you.”
Then I held out a hundred bucks.
“Fuck you,” repeated the bitch.
“No, this is for YOUR upstairs neighbors to stomp around,” I said. “Fuck YOU!”

Weekly Challenge #962 – PICK TWO Lost in translation, Incapable, Wish, Chainsaw, Too long, Full of

The next topic is Finding

KINGLESTAT

Last Wish

It was a beautiful day. One of those days you wish you had nothing to do. Sunny, but with the right amount of clouds. Just take a walk on the beach. Perhaps with a beautiful babe on your arm. Or two. A nice bottle of wine. And spend it there watching the seagulls frolic. But he came, interrupting my reverie. “About this last wish?” he seemed harassed, as if he had something urgent to do. I told him. In detail. Trying to capture the images I had seen in my mind. “This is taking too long.” “Platoon?” “Take aim!” “Fire!”

NORVAL JOE

The locked cabinet was full of mysterious objects. There were no shrunken heads or pentagram amulets, but there were figurines of cryptic creatures and talismans with arcane symbols.
Knowing he was incapable of opening the curio, Billbert said, “I wish I knew someone with magic who could open this thing.”
Both Mrs.Wienerheimer and Sabrina stared at him blankly.
Sabrina put her hand on the cabinet and there was an audible click. “When I told you I’m a witch, was something lost in the translation?”
His mother smiled patiently. “Be a dear, Billbert, and get the cardboard boxes from the car.”

TOM

Incapable Wish With grateful thanks to Babylon Five

Victoria Van Beinghem Shushburge Ausstaylor Holezinvice was the 15th Matetron Supreme only six years old. One day she was wandering in the imperial gardens when she came upon a rose brush. “Why aren’t flowers,” she asked. The general accompanying her replied “They will bloom in a few days.” Victoria quipped, “Have a guarded posted to protect the blossoms.” The general clicked his heels “Your wish is law my queen.” A guard was posed. Soon the child lost interest, became old and died. The court remained incapable of countermanding that wish. So, a solider still stands guard a 1000 years later.

LIZZIE

The chainsaw hanging behind the door didn’t go too well with the sweet little quote on the wall. “After all this time. Always.” After all this time? Always? That could mean something completely different. He had to go. What are you doing, she asked. Nothing, nothing, just looking for my shoes. Leaving? Well, I… He tapped his watch. Where was the damn door, he thought. She turned around to grab something and to his horror… Is this what you’re looking for? He always thought the sound of church bells would be the last thing he would hear. Nope, it wasn’t.

SERENDIPIDY

Admit it, you knew I was going to pick ‘chainsaw’.
You’re thinking that a prompt like that is a gift to someone like me, obsessed with blood, guts and gore, and pretty much incapable of writing anything that doesn’t involve torture, decapitation, murder or cannibalism.
Well, sorry for being so predictable.
Not that I care: That’s how I write, and I can’t see it changing any time soon. If you don’t like it, then just move on to somebody else’s story.
However, nobody dies on this occasion.
But, trust me, I’ll be putting that chainsaw to use in the future!

RICHARD

Wishful thinking
I’ll admit I felt a bit foolish when I found the lamp, but I had to give it a quick rub, just to see.
Remarkably, it worked, and a huge genie suddenly appeared, bowed and spoke to me in a deep, rumbling voice.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t understand a word. I assumed he was speaking Arabic, offering me the usual obligatory wish.
But, no biggy. I fished out my phone, and typed ‘Make me a multi-millionaire’ into Google translate.
There was a poof of smoke.
And I found myself locked up in an asylum.
Guess something was lost in translation.

PLANET Z

Back in third grade, I knew this kid who asked Santa for a chainsaw.
That was back when it was okay for Santa Claus to show up in schools, before all this politically correct and woke nonsense took over.
Every year, the kid asked for a chainsaw, but he never got it.
First grade, second grade, third grade.
No chain saw.
I moved in the spring of third grade, so I have no idea if he ever got the chainsaw.
I read the newspaper from there now and then to see if his name pops up.
Perhaps he moved too?

The shoe chimes

I hung a set of wind chimes from a tree branch near my fence.
I’d post a video of the wind chimes, but it’s not all that windy.
And even when it is, the wind never kicks up the sail so the clapper goes into the tubes.
And the raindrops jostle the sail a little, but not enough for anything audible over the sound of the rain.
Maybe I will throw a shoe at it?
Will that make it a shoe chimes?
The sail is below the fence line.
I’d raise the wind chimes, but it would annoy the neighbors.

Dig two graves

They say that when you seek revenge, dig two graves.
Because most villains have an accomplice.
Or, if they don’t, there will probably be a witness when you get revenge.
And you can’t leave any witnesses.
“I didn’t see nothin’,” says the witness. “I ain’t telling nobody nothin’.”
Yeah, right.
You know what’s better?
Make them dig their own graves.
The worst that can happen is that they say no.
But if they do dig their own graves, at least they save you the effort.
Sure, you’ll need two shovels.
Unless you want them to take turns, that works too.

Basquiat

If you don’t like Basquiat, you’re a racist.
So, call me a racist.
His paintings and drawings were crap.
Same with Cy Twombly, Philip Rothko, and all those other crap-peddlers.
Warhol, too.
Warhol peddled crap.
And for a few years, Basquiat was the crap he peddled.
Philip Seymour Hoffman did heroin with Basquiat.
Basquiat died from a heroin overdose.
So, without Philip doing heroin with him, Basquiat might have lived a few more years.
Making more crap paintings and drawings.
So, thank you, Philip.
But then, he died of a drug overdose.
So, fuck you, Basquiat.
Killing a real talent.

The Twenty Year Pills

Freddy is prone to getting kidney stones.
He hasn’t gotten them recently, but he’s terrified of getting them again.
And waiting hours in the Emergency Room in dire pain.
So, he changed to a plant-based diet, avoided red meat, and doesn’t drink at all.
And he keeps a supply of the medication on hand, just in case.
“These pills are twenty years old,” says the customs officer at the airport.
“My kidneys are twenty years older, too,” says Freddy. “The pain will be twenty times worse.”
The officer thinks for a moment, stamps Freddy’s passport, and waves him along.
“NEXT!”

The Hypocrite Sisters

The Johnson Twins were professional activists.
Betty made a sign that said STOP THE KILLING!
She used it in abortion clinic protests.
Bertha would take the same sign to executions.
She used it in her protests against the death penalty.
Betty never went to those protests, because she was for the death penalty.
Just as Bertha never went to the abortion clinics to protest because she was pro-choice.
She did go to an abortion clinic to get an abortion, though.
Betty waved the sign in Bertha’s face as she walked in the clinic.
“Don’t make me kill you,” muttered Bertha.

Silverdeath

You don’t own Silverdeath.
Silverdeath owns you.
It’s a very powerful sword and it takes over the minds of its bearers.
Sometimes, it’s a big warrior.
Other times, it’s a kid.
Peasants, prostitutes, and princes.
But it’s always the same arrogant tone in their voice.
When Silverdeath gets bored with a bearer, it looks for a new one.
And it’s not enough to abandon that person.
“Kill me,” they say.
Only the strong-willed can resist Silverdeath.
Going out to the forest, burying the cursed blade.
But it calls out for another, promising great power and wealth.
“And bring a shovel.”

Weekly Challenge #961 – Wasp

The next topic is PICK TWO Lost in translation, Incapable, Wish, Chainsaw, Too long, Full of

NORVAL JOE

When they arrived at Buhmilda’s cabin, the only thing moving was a wasp buzzing around under the eves. All the residents of the meadow and their campers and vans were gone.
Entering the cabin, they found it completely empty. All the furniture, food, and even Sabrina’s clothes were missing.
The only thing remaining was a dusty curio against the far wall.
Billbert peered through the cracked glass. “There’s lots of cool stuff in here. I’m surprised no one took any of it.”
Bitterly, Sabrina said, “They would have if they could have. You need real magic to open this cabinet.”

TOM

Not our kind, dear

I was born a poor catholic kid. My daddy was bummed he couldn’t be in the klan. I was bummed I couldn’t be a Mason. Screw that Knight’s of Columbus shit. Despite growing up in Polish, Irish, Italian, Bavarian neighborhood I never once dated a catholic girl. Major up-hill battle there. Basic I went out with Wasp Women, Job’s daughters, and later in life Junior Leaguers. That’s a story of pain and destruction. Now for all you kids out there a wasp is far from being a bug, they’re the folk still running the show in America. White Anglo-Saxon Protestants.

LIZZIE

The shovel was crap. The ground was too hard. The body was, let’s say, unbendable. And no one volunteered to help. Then, there was the wasp. He tried to kill it, but he kept hitting the body, adding cuts to it. It really annoyed him that the coroner would think this guy had been tortured with a shovel. He had a reputation to protect. So, he paid some low level dude who drove by to dig the hole and dumped the two in it. Not his neatest work but even a hitman has a bad day every now and then.

SERENDIPIDY

It was carnage. Bodies everywhere – twenty kids, two teachers and the bus driver. A few fatalities, and many grievously injured.
The driver was dead. That pleased me.
I’d always hated that driver, he’d make snide remarks to me when I used to catch the bus to school, and I’d dread every journey, with him constantly leering at me in his rear view mirror.
I’d vowed then to get my own back. And when I spotted his epi-pen peeking from the top of his pocket, I knew exactly what I was going to do.
The hardest part, was catching the wasp!

RICHARD

– ​Sweet –
“I really don’t know why they’re not producing”
Josh was new to the hobby, and if I’m honest, he wasn’t the brightest.
To be fair to him though, he was trying his best, and had followed my instructions to the letter, so I found it somewhat surprising that even with all my advice, he wasn’t seeing results.
“Let me take a look at your setup”, I offered, and we headed outdoors.
Everything looked OK, then I took a closer look.
I jumped back in alarm.
“Well, I know why they’re not producing honey”, I said, batting away an attacking wasp.

KingLestat71

The Detective

I had been nursing my beer for hours. Watching her. Studying her. She was bold. She also fit in. Everybody laughed with her. But certainly stubborn. They told her to stop drinking. But she kept dunking them in. She was also aggressive. One guy that approached whispering something to her? She slapped him so hard my hand was stinging. But when she and her four friends decided to sing and dance, they were up all together. She, like the queen wasp. They like her helper wasps. Another disgusted look from the barman, and I was out. Another day done.

PLANET Z

When you move into a house, there’s things you can plan for and there’s things that plan for you.
No point in getting all worked up. Just make a list and deal with it.
There was a wasp nest along the gutter of the house.
And a few more on the edges of the garage door.
I bought some spray from Walmart and sprayed them all.
Nothing flew out, so I figured they were old nests, long abandoned.
I got a pole and knocked them down.
Maybe they’ll be back. Maybe they won’t.
Until then, I’ll be ready for them.