Sally was born on Christmas, so she felt like she was cheated out of two days of presents.
She never had a big birthday party because all of her friends were out celebrating Christmas.
“We’re Jewish, Sally,” said her mother. “We don’t celebrate Christmas.”
“But my friends do,” said Sally. “So they can’t come to a party. I’m stuck here with you and dad, and it sucks.”
Sally’s parents sent her to her room without dinner.
They’d forgotten to get a cake, Sally’s mom was a lousy baker, and, anyway, all of the stores were closed for Christmas, so there.
Author: R.
Black Friday
The bigger the ads for Black Friday, the lamer the deals, and the bigger the fights over them.
It used to be a shopping rush for the first sales of the holidays.
Now, places mark up their prices or delay their discounts until the Friday after Thanksgiving.
Then came pre-Black Friday discounts, previews, early access, and so on.
A constant state of war erupted in the mall.
Meanwhile, employees snatched up the three laptops that were on sale, hidden under the counter while they kept telling customers: “Sorry, but we’re all out. Would you like to buy something else instead?”
Decisions, decisions
Doctor Odd always makes the right decision.
He also makes the wrong decisions.
He makes every decision imaginable, then he observes the consequences of each decision from his quantum state time displacement chair.
Once he determines the decision with best result, he stays in that timeline.
What happens to the other suboptimal timelines?
The Doctor Odd in those timelines try to shift quantum states into the “good” decision universe.
Because of a near-infinite number of quantum state universes, the “good” universe is overwhelmed quickly.
This is why Doctor Odd destroys the other universes, and his unlucky dopplegangers stranded in them.
Home is where the heart is
Home is where the heart is, but what if you’re Barney Clark, the first long-term human recipient of a mechanical heart pump?
Is it where your excised dead organ has been stored, awaiting your demise so you can be buried with it?
Or is it where your mechanical heart resides, in your chest.
Because if you look at the schematics of the Jarvik-7 model of mechanical heart, you’ll see a set of short cables and tubes connected to a base station.
Barney wasn’t going anywhere far any time soon.
Until, of course, he died, and then went to the cemetery.
Apology extraction
When you want an apology from someone, you can ask, but it’s easier to extract an apology with a professional-grade extraction tool.
Then, you can test how genuine that apology is with rigorous scientific tests.
If the apology is genuine, you can bottle it and store it on your shelf, or put it in your trophy case.
If the apology is disingenuine, then you need to use your apology extraction tool with more force, skill, or finesse.
Brandish your tool menacingly. Shake it in their face. Cackle a bit. Maybe lunge at them once or twice.
You’ll get your apology.
Post It Tattoos
I have post-its on my monitors like Leonard Shelby in Memento has tattoos.
Keep it brief.
Nobody wants your ideas.
I’ll get back to you on that.
Do not trust.
Make a list and stick to it.
Don’t take the bait.
It’s only a job.
Not my problem.
Go ask the boss.
They’re not your friends.
Years of fighting, years of abuse.
Years of being put down.
These are the scars across my career.
These are the echoes in my head.
These are the warning signs on the barrier that keep me from jumping over the edge and into oblivion.
Weekly Challenge #657 – PICK TWO Bubbling Saffron Lime Axial Repetition Can Spaceship
Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.
This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
We’ve got stories by:
EVA
The Story of Is
There was a beauty that radiated about her, penetrating the most solid of walls, the most bitter of men. I watched through impenetrable glass as the breeze lifted her hair, skin luminescent. I press a hand to my own. Cold. Lifeless. Gray.
The way of our worlds. Light and dark. Mine, devoid of life, of beauty. Of purpose. I sigh, gazing, as she plucks a flower and tucks it behind her ear.
This is the the divide, the unalterable conclusion. What is will be, what was will be no more. I am is. She is was, and someday will be…me.
RICHARD
Life?
‘Is this what my life has come to?’ I wondered, emptying the can of soup into the pan, and waiting for it to come to a bubbling heat.
I’d once had dreams and ambitions, goals to achieve and challenges to meet, but somewhere along the way, the daily grind took over.
Travelling the world, pushing my limits and living the dream somehow became less of a priority than paying the bills, putting out the bins and trying not to run out of milk.
They never warn you about this when you’re a kid.
And the soup’s not that good either.
LIZZIE
The Crow and the Spaceship
The crow muttered a few words. No one could understand him. He looked up and everyone mimicked him. They couldn’t see anything.
The crow flapped his wings. His nervousness was increasing.
Then, they saw it. It was blinding. It tinted the whole sky with an overwhelming tone of orange.
“What is that?”
“That, you idiots, is your end.”
They did understand the crow this time, but they stood there mesmerized, watching the spaceship fly over them, again and again.
It didn’t feel like the end.
The talking crow took off and hid.
They… they were never seen again.
TOM
Between a Rock and Hard Place
Bennie pulled back hard on the inertia damper. The Red Turtle dropped into the gravity well between Seti Alpha 5 and Drake’s debris field. Navigator Strobeck point out that if they didn’t pull a sufficient Z maneuver they’d likely end up fried by the dwarf binary suns of the Dawson cluster. Captain Winslow gave the order to engage the Repetition Drive. The spaceship commenced a near infinite series of braking actions. When the Turtle had finally come to a rest, they were orbiting between the suns. “Captain,” said Bennie noting the read out on the chronometer, “We overshot two millenniums.”
JON
But I Had That for Lunch!
By
Jon DeCles
The axial rotation of the spaceship meant that they had gravity of a sort, but they suffered from Repetition Disorder, which had been discovered first back on Earth by examining psychotics who had got that way from watching re-runs of “I Love Lucy.” The spaceship simulated day and night easily enough, but the seasons were harder, as seasons are pretty specific to the distance you live from the equator.
The mission was countering the disorder with culinary adventures to keep the awareness fresh. Hildemare sniffed and looked at the can, detecting both lime and saffron in the bubbling soupy stuff.
SERENDIPITY
People come from far and wide to visit my delicatessen, lured by my speciality black pudding.
It’s won prizes and accolades, and although it’s pretty expensive, you’d be amazed what foodies will pay for something of the quality that I make.
I’ve been asked many times to divulge my secret ingredient… “Is it saffron?” a customer will say as the inhale the rich, heady aroma from the freshly sliced sausage.
Another will take a guess… “It’s lime juice, I just know it is”
There’s no fancy ingredients in it.
Just blood and seasoning:
Rich, thick blood… Of the human variety.
NORVAL JOE
Billbert walked home from Linolimanda’s birthday party, new emotions bubbling up inside him from her unexpected kisses. The first kiss was surprising enough, but with the second repetition he was over the moon without a spaceship.
Of course, the weird part was how her father acted when she told him they’d been kissing. He looked like it bothered him, but that it was alright.
Bilbert planned on asking Linolimanda at school on Monday if he can come over again.
He was sure she would want to fly again. That would be fine with Billbert, if they could kiss again, too.
PLANET Z
Hector saw strange lights out in the cornfield, so he picked up his shotgun and flashlight.
It took a few flicks of the switch and a bit of shaking, but the flashlight came on, and Hector walked out into the field.
A bubbling, glowing orange slime lay in the middle of a clearing.
Hector walked back to his house, called the authorities, and packed a suitcase.
Leaving a note on the front door, he then drove to a hotel and got a room and waited for the authorities to tell him when it would be safe go to back home.
Fendy Town
Fendy Sound is dangerous waters, piloted by brave ferryboat captains, who charged a fortune for a crossing.
So, Fendy Island built a bridge to the mainland
The town celebrated their new permanent connection to the rest of the country.
Except Mungo Dirge, Captain of the Ferryboat Guild.
“The bridge toll is less than ours!” complained the ferryboat pilots. “We’re ruined!”
“Fill the Elissa with dynamite, sail her over to the main pile, and set her ablaze,” he ordered. “We’ll have our business back.”
So, they loaded up the Elissa with dynamite.
Which exploded at the docks, annihilating the other ferryboats.
Bury your problems
Ted isn’t a good administrator, but it’s so hard to fire people from this state-run research hospital.
Also, he’s the nephew of one of the boardmembers. He’s not going anywhere.
Especially after we lured him into the new South wing of the hospital that’s under construction.
We tied him up and immersed him in fresh concrete.
Smoothing out the slab to make sure there’s no sign of Ted was a challenge, but not as much as making it look like he took a trip out of town and simply vanished.
His phone started ringing, but thankfully, the battery died quickly.
Thanksgiving Feast
It took a long time for Trina to recover from the attack.
After years of therapy, she got over her fear of homeless people.
Now, she was filled with searing hatred for them, and what they did to her.
At first, she’d dress up as a nun and hand out poisoned sandwiches to beggars.
But they wanted money, So, she handed out counterfeit money.
She made big plans for the city’s charity Thanksgiving feast.
Forty-three jugs of tainted gravy.
Thousands of people died. It was like Jonestown.
Trina went from body to body, offering prayers, and trying not to grin.