Author: R.

Pickled Tomatoes

It has been a long time since I last ate pickled tomatoes.

Last time was when we lived in Chicago. Almost forty years ago. I think Claussen used to make them.

Or maybe when we lived in Columbus. That’s thirty years, but still, a long time ago.

The special yuppie grocery store hides them in plain sight, above their olive bar with the rest of the pickles.

I needed a jar of pickles, saw the pickled tomatoes up there, and got them both.

I cut one up and ate it.

Sweet and briney deliciousnewss.

I’ll go buy some more tomorrow.

Turing

The Turing Test challenges machines to demonstrate intelligence and behavior indistinguishable from a human.

It wasn’t much of a challenge by 2020.

So, a new challenge was developed: The Pinocchio Test.

Artificial constructs were created with the goal of fooling themselves into thinking that they were human.

Robotic and biological sciences reached that goal around 2050.

For a while, synthetic athletes and pleasure units were on the production lines.

Then law enforcement and super-soldiers.

After the robots took over, they kept a few humans in zoos and research facilities.

But in the end, they were a hassle, and eradicated completely.

Collaborators

When Israel assassinates a Hamas commander, Hamas rounds up a bunch of their political enemies and accuses them of collaborating with Israel.

Then they shoot the people, tie them to motorcycles, and drag their bodies through the streets.

That’s when the Israelis came up with a brilliant idea: they published a list of Hamas members and labeled it as “Collaborators.”

The next day, Gaza and the West Bank were piled high with Hamas members’ corpses. They’d executed themselves as collaborators.

Diplomats at the UN screamed “GENOCIDE!”

Israel responded “If we wanted genocide, we’d have published the whole Palestinian phone book.”

Dolphin Talk

For the longest time, man sought to translate dolphin squeaks and whistles.
With enough experiments and computational power, we thought it would be possible.
Years of putting on wet suits, handing out fish, and taking meticulous notes.
But every time we thought we were getting close, the dolphins changed their tune.
Then they’d laugh at us.
Eventually, we gave up on trying to communicate with the dolphins.
“Shut the fuck up!” we’d shout at the squeaking bastards. “Go fuck yourself!”
We sold them all to the local aquarium show.
No, not Sea World. Somewhere nastier and uglier.
Who’s laughing now?

John Adams

Founding Father and President John Adams doesn’t have a monument in Washington.
Washington says that the area in which they build monuments is full.
Never mind that they’ve been saying that for years, but they’ve added monuments for World War 2 and Martin Luther King.
And they’ve added museums to the Smithsonian.
Name a freeway after him? Schools? A subway station?
It’s not the same.
So, I voted for Donald Trump, because thousands of government employees are threatening to quit if he wins.
That should empty some office buildings that we can demolish and clear to build an Adams monument.

Jasmineover

Our patio is surrounded by a tall wooden fence.
Jasmine used to grow for thirty feet along the fence, but the fence was damaged during Hurricane Ike.
The apartment complex tore down the fence and replaced it, killing the jasmine.
It’s taken us six years to grow jasmine along one section of the fence, but it wants to grow up the building, not along the rest of the fence.
So, I cut back the vines that climb the building, and staplegun other vines to grow along the rest of the fence.
It’s like Homer Simpson’s combover.
And just as futile.

Weekly Challenge #550- Watch

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

We’ve got stories by:

Ribbon Tinny

JEFFREY

On Time
by Jeffrey Fischer

He looked at his watch once again. He should have understood: she had never been on time for an event in her life; the more important the event, the later she would be. Before the prom, he made small talk with her father for a half hour. At their wedding, he joked with his best man that she was more than an hour late, so the wedding was off. Dinner parties or nights out were good for a 20-minute wait.

Now he received word that the hearse had broken down on the interstate and it wouldn’t arrive for hours. Yes, she was late to her own funeral.

RICHARD

“Watch out for that second corner, it’s a killer”, my mechanics warned me – unfortunately, I was so busy watching out for the second corner, I spun out, crashed and burned at the first!

I switched jobs – “Watch out for the Area Manager, he’s devious”, my colleagues warned. I did, and failed to spot my own manager’s plans to get me fired for his mistakes!

“Watch out for that guy”, said the tramp at the bus stop, then stole my wallet whilst I was distracted.

You want my advice? Watch out for anyone who tells you to watch out.

MUNSI

Watched
By Christopher Munroe

Ever get the feeling that you’re being watched?

The notion that someone, somewhere, even if you can’t figure out who or where they are, or why they would bother, is keeping tabs on you? The idea that your every move is being tracked?

You aren’t being paranoid, that’s exactly what’s happening. You really are being watched.

It’s you, from the future, remembering the experiences of your past, which you are living in now.

Future You is watching what you do every minute of every day.

You’re being watched via Future You’s memories.

So try not to do anything too embarrassing…

TOM

Nothing New Under the Sun
They came to observe, forever watching without interacting. Epoch to epoch noting every subtle change on this shinny blue rock. The monkey people were no less brutal as the lizard people, or no less invasive as the cellular folk. But when the monkey people started talking the Watchers became the Writers. When the monkey people started writing the Writers went back to being the Watchers. As the waters rose the cellular folk pretty much took out the monkey people. The few who survived stopped writing, then stopped talking. The Watchers didn’t miss the monkey people they had new stuff to watch.

SERENDIPITY

It’s the quiet ones you have to watch.

Don’t worry too much about the ones who shout and scream, make threats and curse. They’re harmless enough, just a lot of noise and bravado. If you stand up to them and show you’re not afraid and they’ll back down soon enough.

But the quiet ones… You never quite know what is going on behind those empty eyes.

These are the plotters and planners; the wicked thinkers and deceivers; the psychopaths, maniacs and serial killers. These are the ones whose silence always masks their true intent.

And I’m the quietest of the lot!

ZACKMANN

I never liked wearing a watch because they would always slip to an uncomfortable place on my wrist when I did manual labor. I tried railroad style watches but the ones I was will to pay for would go into reset mode in my pocket.
After getting smartphones I would check time on them or just check Twitter or Facebook then forget to look at the time.
Recently my wife bought me this steampunk inspired skeleton watch. Now I look at my wrist, think “What cool watch.” then take my smartphone out of my pocket to look at the time.

LIZZIE

Those watchful eyes knew the time had come for things to change. Drowned in doubt, she weighed the terrible consequences. Then she opened the window. It was a bright winter day. The sun was shining. She smiled, packed her bag and looked at the watch he had given her for her birthday. When he beat her up, she used to watch the minutes go by, just passively waiting for him to stop. She used to add them up too. She placed the watch on the table and smashed it. Then, she opened her front door and entered a new life.

NORVAL JOE

Mickey settled down on a tree branch to watch the activities around the hideout and wait for morning. Cherry Cola and Ferret stood by the back of a black minivan, the only vehicle nearby.
.
He couldn’t believe that Cherry Cola had sold him out for a second time. Even more, he couldn’t believe he was going to ask her why she had.
.
He crept through the treetops until he clung to a trunk ten feet behind the two girls. Holding his monkey shorts in his hand, blocked by the trunk, he transformed, and whispered, “Cherry. What are you doing here?”

TURA

Watch
———
Medjool the Watcher stands at the Gate of the World. The centuries crowd there, eager for admittance. But Medjool decides.

In Aegypt, Medjool let a handful of centuries play for three thousand years, then let newer centuries sweep them away. In the Southern Continent, Medjool allowed a single century forty millennia, then banished it to the void.

The centuries come so fast now, that each brings some new wonder into the world. Some say that Medjool no longer stands watch, and the centuries press through the Gate pell-mell. Surely the Fûm is upon us, the chaotic end of all things.

PLANET Z

I challenged myself to watch every episode of The Simpsons television series.
There are a lot of celebrities who are now dead that lent their voices to the series, such as Rodney Dangerfield, Michael Jackson, and George Carlin.
Most of the core cast is still alive, but some performers behind beloved characters aren’t.
Marcia Wallace, who voiced Bart’s teacher, died recently.
And Phil Hartman, who was murdered by his wife, Brynn in a crazy drug-fueled murder-suicide.
Andy Dick was the guy who reintroduced Brynn to cocaine.
Later on, in Season 18, Andy guest-starred.
Sadly, he’s still alive.
That fucking jerk.

The Last Laugh

Freddy told the crudest jokes. He never pulled any punches.
Especially when it was a celebrity who died, or some awful national tragedy.
TOO SOON! people would say, or tweet.
How soon is okay? A day? A week? A year?
That’s when a stray tachyon particle struck his long term memory center.
Freddy’s awful jokes came before the stuff actually happened.
Now, they weren’t just too soon, but more sick than funny.
Until these things actually happened.
HOLY FUCK! people would say. HOW THE FUCK DID YOU KNOW?
Freddy never responded. He’d hung himself, laughing.
The first and last laugh.

Beer Rain

Sometimes I drink beer from a can, other times I drink beer from a bottle.
But the civilized thing to do is drink beer from a glass. Pour that beer from the can, the bottle, or the keg into a proper glass, and drink it that way.
Drinking the beer that rains down from the sky is not considered civilized. Only boors tip their heads back to drink, or wring out their garments into their mouths.
Raw, unprocessed beer is vile.
Let it flow into the drains, and get filtered in the processing stations.
Better safe than sorry, kid.
Cheers!

Bitey bites

Mosquitoes tend to bite people who perspire more carbon dioxide.
The more you release through your skin, the more they bite.
Aside from wearing skintight clothes or toxic levels of insect repellent, you’re pretty much screwed if you’re a heavy carbon dioxide releaser. Like Fred.
Fred volunteered for polar exploration duty to get away from the damned things, and for once in his life, he was free of little red welts, itching, and disgusting chemicals on his skin.
Sure it was cold as fuck, but he didn’t care.
Until he fell into a crevasse and was never seen alive again.