Author: R.

23 and George

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
His 23andMe profile determined that he was only 25% pirate, suggesting that he could increase his percentage with exercise, practice, and dietary supplements.
George got a gym membership, paying extra for the network of gyms so he could use them at whichever port the ship docked.
And his doctor prescribed Placebo.
“No generics,” said the doctor. “I know that the name-brand is expensive, but it’s worth it.”
George worked out, took the pills, and studied hard for a month.
23andMe and his doctor determined that he was 100% sucker.

George on the river

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
While sailing up the Mississippi, he captured two men on the run who claimed to be a duke and a king.
He planned to ransom them, but it turned out they were wanted in Arkansas for fraud, so he turned in the con-artists for the reward.
After that, he picked up two kids and a runaway slave, telling all kinds of crazy stories.
The slave, he sold downriver. The smarter kid, he kept as a cabin boy.
The wilder of the kids, he kicked overboard in two fathoms-deep water.

George the Zorro

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Don Diego de la Vega looked him over carefully.
“But you might make a decent Zorro,” he said, holding the black mask to George’s face.
“I don’t speak Mexican,” said George.
“Let your sword speak for you,” said Diego.
After five hours of practice, George’s sword mostly said “CLANG!” when it fell to the floor.
“Sorry,” said George, picking up the sword again. “I think that will buff out.”
Eventually Diego gave up, and put on the mask himself.
George watched Zorro ride off, and then robbed his mansion.

Game Over, George

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
I’m not sure how he managed it, but he and his crew took over the starship Nostromo.
As George was trying to send a ransom note to the Weyland-Yutani Corporation, a message came in and the Nostromo’s crew began to wake up.
“We’ll strand them on that LV-426 thing,” said George.
That’s where they came across a weird cavern and space ship, surrounded by bizarre eggs.
“I bet we could make a fortune with one of these things,” said George.
An egg unfolded, and George screamed.
Nobody heard him.

Weekly Challenge #973 – Gift Cards

The next topic is Thousand

LISA

A Born Showman.
The Star sobbed: she’d wanted to play Mary. So, the spotlight shone on three kings… One shuffled forward and muttered “Gold.” The next stepped forward and shuddered as he tried to keep giggles at bay.
“Frankie’s Sense.” He nudged Frankie who was playing Joseph. Then, the third King.
“I couldn’t find Myrrh. No one anywhere seemed to know what it was.” he said as he moonwalked across the stage.
“So, I got this.”
His hand held aloft; the spotlight swung towards it.
“This…”
He sashayed around the crib
“This Gift Card can be used in every major retailer in Bethlehem.”

NORVAL JOE

When they entered Billbert’s house they found Sabrina in the family room surrounded by shopping bags. She looked up, her eyes bright. “Look Billbert. We bought so many clothes they gave us a $25 gift card.” Her eyes clouded over when she saw Linoliamanda. “What’s she doing here?”

Defensive, Billbert said, “Mandy’s dad’s in a coma and they don’t know when he will wake up. So, I said she could stay here. There are two beds in the guest room, you know.”

Sabrina sighed, holding up a lacy sleep set. “Beggars can’t be choosers. She can wear the cat pajamas.”

SERENDIPIDY

I turned over the next card in the sequence, the six of pentacles.
“Ah”, I murmured, “the gift card”.
His face lit up in expectation as I continued.
“It seems you may receive something of value in the future; I cannot say what that may be, but it could make you a very wealthy man!”
“Tell me more” he begged.
“First, cross my palm with silver… plenty of silver!”
He anxiously paid up, and I turned the next card, which elicited a gasp.
“Death! How unfortunate. Let’s hope your gift comes soon, and you live long enough to enjoy it!”

RICHARD

— Gift card —
It was the usual pointless question.
“So what do you want for Christmas?”
Every year the same irritating question, and my answer, the same as always: “I don’t know. There’s nothing I want or need.”
It drew the usual, predictable response. “You’re hopeless dad, at least give us some ideas.”
“Just get me a gift card then.”
And so, come Christmas Day, that’s exactly what I got: A gift card, just like last year, and the year before that, as far back as I can remember.
And, as always, it ended up unused in the drawer with all the others.

TOM

That is remembered lives.

Gail was Linda’s matron of honor. As a courtesy I volunteer to take wedding photos. The groom, Jack Darkhand, gave me an Amazon Gift Card. Never cashed it in. Lived in my wallet till my wallet was stolen. While I still retained ownership, for time to time I’d take it out and give it a look. Did that for his first child, then his second. Did that when he got sacked from a tech job in Seattle for have XY chroms. Took it out during his wake. Show it to Linda, told her I think I’m just going to keep this.

LIZZIE

She loved adventure! She hated books. But the damn gift card said “Books”. At the bookstore, she looked lost. So, the bookseller said, “We have some mystery packs.” Well, OK… “A mystery pack, it is.” When she opened the pack, it was… let’s just say a surprising pack. You had to call a series of phone numbers to get the pick-up locations. The first one was called “Whispers Among the Gravestones” and the pick-up point was the local abandoned cemetery. Who would’ve thought that books could be so interesting after all? She would take some pepper spray, just in case.

PLANET Z

I always thought it strange when my father would give out store gift cards as tips instead of cash.
Until I saw him grabbing a stack of them at Target and putting them in his pocket.
Without activating them at the register.
Technically, it’s not illegal to hand them out.
Maybe it’s a form of fraud if he’s claiming they have value.
He did this for years, handing out worthless cards.
After I grew up and moved out, and he got forgetful, he did this scam at the same place more than once.
And no restaurant would seat him again.

Serendipidy – Mister Right

He always had to be Mr Right.
Always holding the moral high ground, always the one to win an argument, never one to back down or give way.
He was arrogant, uncompromising and incapable of admitting defeat.
It was these qualities that attracted me to him.
Don’t misunderstand me; it wasn’t that I like those sort of character traits – no, I loathe them with a passion, but he was precisely the sort of person that I love to put firmly in their place.
And that place, was six feet underground.
You really can’t say I was in the wrong.
Right?

George gets Bonked

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He woke up with a bandage on his head.
“Oh, you’re awake,” said a nurse. “You’ve had quite a nasty bonk on the head.”
He looked around. He was in a hospital ward with other bandaged patients, all laying still in bed.
“Oh, okay,” he said. “Them too?”
“Yes,” said the nurse. “And it’s time for another.”
She pulled out a large mallet and bonked George on the head.
George fell unconscious and had a nice dream about sailing.
He looked forward to his next bonk on the head.

George the Pillow Fighter

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He wasn’t very good with a cutlass, but he was the master of the sofa cushion.
“PILLOWFIGHT ME!” he’d shout at his opponent, tossing aside his cutlass and dropping a sofa cushion at their feet. “I DARE YOU, COWARD!”
When the other pirate threw down their cutlass and picked up the pillow, George would draw his pistol and shoot them in the head.
He’d pick up his cutlass and the cushions.
Then he’d put the cushions back on the captain’s sofa.
With the bloodstained sides facing down, of course.

George clowns around

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
To make up for his shortcomings, he used humor as a defense mechanism.
He started with silly nose-glasses, which distracted his enemy long enough for him to escape.
Or he’d wear a fight wig, or ask his opponent to sniff his squirting flower.
Over time, he refined his humor, and he had the British Navy rolling on the desks, clutching their sides from the pain of laughing so hard.
He always walked away with the loot, even when he slipped on a banana peel and fell into the water.

The voices in George’s head

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
The voices in his head told him that all of the time.
“For fuck’s sake, stop it!” he shouted.
“Oh, okay,” said the rest of the crew coming out from behind the sails. “Sorry.”
George blinked. “All this time, I thought the voices were in my head. But they were you?”
“Yes,” said the crew. “We thought it was a joke, you know.”
George sighed and went back to his bunk.
“KILL THEM ALL!” said the voices in George’s head.
“Ahhh, that’s more like it,” said George, falling asleep.