Sinclair Lewis once said that every man is a king so long as he has someone to look down on.
In spite of his Socialist tendencies, Sinclair Lewis liked to put on stilts and act like a complete tyrant.
“I AM KING!” Sinclair would shout. “BOW DOWN BEFORE YOUR KING!”
It made sense when he’d put on an Uncle Sam suit and march in the Fourth of July Parade, but he wore them year-round.
This made it awfully awkward for him to sneak into meatpacking plants as part of his investigation for The Jungle, let alone go to the bathroom.
Author: R.
Traitor Cat
When my sister in law comes to visit, I set up a bed in the spare room.
And the cats check it out.
At bedtime, Tinny the cat becomes a snuggle cat.
And she sleeps on the bed during the day, too.
Usually, Tinny is my sofa companion while I work.
She can be a pest and gets in the way, but when she’s being a traitor, I miss her.
So when it’s time for my sister in law to go home, I put away the bed.
Instead of snuggling with me, Tinny goes into the other room and screams.
Trejo
Some kids want to be policemen, others want to be astronauts.
Joey wanted to be boxing champion of the local prison.
He trained and built up his body and police record.
Winning fight after fight, and losing case after case.
He climbed the ranks outside the walls and inside.
Until his manager told him to lose.
He refused, and killed him.
Life in prison for murder.
Joey walked through the gate, smiling wide.
“I’m going to own this place,” he said.
“Guess again,” said a voice in his ear, and he was stabbed a dozen times. “We own this place.”
Crazy Pills Cashback
The Apple card is three percent at Apple, Exxon, and Walgreens.
I don’t need a new iPhone, I’m not going to use it on an insecure gas pump.
But Walgreens? Sure.
I have a lot of prescriptions. All my crazy pills.
When I read my last statement, I only got one percent last time.
I yelled at Support, and they said I need to use Apple Pay, not the physical card.
The co-pay on all my pills is a dollar.
Which means instead of three cents cashback for each, I was getting one cent.
I guess the pills aren’t working.
Sysco
The sysco truck has the motto follow me to your next grade meal on its back. I’ve got time to kill. So I did, thinking that it was gonna stop at one of the restaurants in this small town. But to my great surprise, it’s next stop was at the local prison. I don’t know whether it’s telling me that I’m going to jail or that they’re picking up prisoners to chop up and put in the beef soup, that hardly call that or ringing endorsement. Maybe I’ll just stick to the local Whataburger or DoorDash a bunch of salads.
Lines and seats
Teddy had a good gig, standing in line for other people.
The more important the thing people were waiting for in line, the more he’d make.
He also got a side hustle filling seats for celebrities or dignitaries leaving a televised performance.
That way there were no empty seats.
He started his own company of line-standers and seat-sitters.
But his workers complained of working conditions.
“We won’t stand for this!”
“We won’t take this sitting down!”
They formed a union, and went on strike.
The line-standers formed a picket line.
The seat-sitters organized a sit-in.
Teddy, exhausted, folded the company.
Weekly Challenge #1028 – Sharp Scissors
- Lewie
- Lizzie
- Richard
- Tom
- Lizzie
- Serendipidy
- Norval Joe
- Planet Z
The next topic is Broken light bulb
LEWIE
The hobo clown, Doc, swiped the oversized, sharp scissors from a white-faced clown, Tippy.
Doc then ran in circles and stepped backwards.
Tippy fell over, landing on his big red nose.
Children laughed at the spectacle.
An auguste clown, Mollywolly, shouted “STOP!” The clowns froze in mid-step.
“No running with scissors!”
The clowns ran in slow motion.
This time, Doc fell down.
He sat up and cried.
“Did you hurt yourself?” Mollywolly asked?
Doc shook his head violently, yes.
“I warned you! You can’t run in slow motion either.”
Clown paramedics came, shrugged, and carried him away in a cot.
LIZZIE
She decorated the scissors with a tussle. Sharp but innocent-looking. Don’t forget the… and she looked out the window. The sun was so beautiful. The birds were chirping. Are you listening? She wasn’t. Don’t forget the pack of sticky note pads of all possible sizes. One hundred of them. And don’t forget to bring them in different… Colors, yes. Annoying… They would have sticky notes all over the place with sticky messages packed with stupidity. The scissors came in handy when it was time to get rid of the sticky problem… It was messy, but it was worth it.
LISA
Interview with Dr Andrea Brookes
I ask about the famous cutting skills that her fellow surgeons once envied. She dismisses praise and mutters about practice, not just in the hospital. We share some memories. There’s a lot of talk of scissors.
She mentions a dressmaking grandma and her pinking shears: zigzag cut so the fabric didn’t need a seam. She tells me how she likes really sharp little scissors and that flesh doesn’t fray.
Andrea stays in her cell for the interview. She doesn’t share it. I was hoping for more answers but visiting time is over before I find out where the bodies are.
SERENDIPIDY
Sharp mind.
Sharp wits.
Sharp tongue.
Sharp words.
The perfect recipe for cutting remarks.
There’s nothing quite like destroying your victims mentally before you commence the real work of finishing them off, and the best method I find is a verbal character assassination.
I like to keep the tools of my trade nice and sharp too: Knives, saw blades, axes, all sorts of bladed articles.
I really shouldn’t have to explain the reason for that -it’s pretty obvious.
Not my scissors though.
I don’t possess any sharp scissors at all, just very blunt ones.
They hurt a whole lot more!
TOM
Tools of the Trade
If you have lived in Chicago the likelihood one of your earliest memories will be about a basement. Mine is my Grandfather Marquette’s, for he had a fully operational barbershop. Chair, mirrors front and back. Leather strap. An assortment of electric clippers from different decades. But the shiny-est object on a glass shelf was a set of German scissors. He kept these razor-sharp scissors in a black velvet case. I once made the mistake of handling the one. To is day there is thin white line which runs across the middle of palm. The sharper the lesson the greater the wisdom.
NORVAL JOE
Mrs. Weinerheimer could have been a pair of sharp scissors when she said, “Enough chitchat. Get up to bed.”
She led the way out of the kitchen. Billbert followed, with Sabrina right behind.
Mandi said, “Sabrina. Wait. Can I talk to you for a second?”
“What do you want, Lindi Mindi?” Sabrina said with her typical snark, turning to face her.
Mandi raised the magnifying glass and looked at Sabrina through it.
Sabrina appeared in the glass, frozen with a condescending sneer on her face.
Mandi quickly shoved the magnifying glass under her shirt to avoid accidentally setting Sabrina free.
PLANET Z
Arthur owns the sharpest scissors in existence.
They can cut through the fabric of spacetime.
Gravitational waves, fluctuating with every snip.
The universe bends and twists, light flickers all around.
Arthur ties off the loose ends, dusts off his hands, and puts the scissors away.
Usually, the universe seals itself up and heals over.
But this time, Arthur’s nicked some dark matter.
A singularity leans out, and devours Arthur’s sewing room, house, and neighborhood.
Over the next few hours, the Earth collapses into a miniscule dot.
The scissors have a warranty for this, but nobody’s left to collect on it.
Living wages
A group of coffee warehouse workers looked around the warehouse and grumbled.
The tasters kept approving cheaper and cheaper crap.
So, they quit and became coffee traders, trading in quality coffee.
Then, the coffee traders became coffee roasters and the money poured in.
It poured in faster when they opened their own coffee houses.
Sure, the money was good, but there was some guilt over living wages.
They were getting rich while the farmers stayed poor and wrecked their environments.
So, the group bought up all the farms, built robots and automated warehouses.
And the technicians were paid living wages.
Isn’t always right
We walk past their framed photos on the way into the office.
Three years ago, killed by an angry customer with a bag full of guns.
I remember that support call.
They hadn’t paid their bill for three months.
They didn’t have backups of their data.
They shouted over and over that they were going to sue us.
It was at the end of the day.
I handed the call to a manager, clocked out, and walked out for the weekend.
Now, we walk past their framed photos on the way out.
You’d think they’d hire a fucking security guard.
Find me under the sea
We didn’t know a U boat was on our tail until the torpedoes hit our ship.
Some of us made it to the lifeboard.
The captain handed me his hat and jacket.
“Lie to them,” he said.
The Germans took us aboard, and they treated me well, good food and wine.
I gave them inflated numbers of men, ships, and weapons.
The other men were kept under lock and key.
But not me.
I had the run of the ship.
Navigation, radio room… and the torpedo room.
You’ll find us on the bottom, I whisper, and set off a warhead.