George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
The only hostage he ever took was the family dog.
And the truth was, he was taking it for a walk.
When the kids asked if they could have a dog, they said they’d care for it and walk it, but they didn’t.
“If I have to take this thing for a walk one more time, I’m taking it to the pound,” announced George.
The next day, George took the dog for a walk… to the pound.
Then he walked to the nearest pirate ship and joined the crew.
Author: R.
George metrics
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Instead of repeatedly telling George that he wasn’t a very good pirate, which was slowing a lot of things down on the ship, the other pirates used the ship’s metrics tracking application to pile on George.
Pretty soon, the entire message wall was full of nasty notes and sniping.
George didn’t read any of it. He preferred to watch cat videos.
The other pirates complained about that, too.
George finally logged on and complained that everyone was typing up bad reviews instead of looting and pillaging.
The captain agreed.
George’s new career
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Or, at least that’s what the other pirates said.
When George took a serious look at his mistakes, he realized that only a few of them were genuinely his fault,.
A large amount of the problems were, in fact, other pirates screwing up, but blaming George.
This made George very frustrated. And very angry.
But would anyone listen? Would anything change?
He thought about the captain… the biggest screw-up of all.
Probably not.
George shrugged and “fell” overboard.
As he swam for shore, he thought about a new career.
George worships a potato
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He’d bonked his head on the bulkhead and taken to worshipping a potato.
Eventually, the potato would rot and begin to smell.
Pirates don’t smell good to begin with, so when his crewmates complained about the smell, you know it was bad.
George would drop the old potato overboard and get a fresh potato to worship.
“It’s like the Dalai Lama and his reincarnations,” said George. “Except with a potato.”
George bonked his head on the bulkhead and stopped worshipping the potato.
“They worship me now,” he whispered, grinning.
George gets merged
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He read the headlines about corporate mergers among media giants, and he figured that it was only a matter of time before it would spread to the pirate community.
Sure enough, a Disney executive showed up with a briefcase full of cash and contracts.
“We want to create a real Pirates of the Carribean tourist experience,” he said. “Interested?”
George took the executive hostage and held him for ransom.
And he tore up the contracts. Better to sail under the Jolly Roger than the despicable mouse ears of Disney.
George shalt not steal
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Instead of getting drunk in taverns and sleeping in alleyways, he would stay in hotels.
Of course, he’d take the towels, soaps, and shampoos. I mean, doesn’t everybody?
The lamp and nightstand table, too.
Pretty much everything. The sheets, the pillows, the bed… anything that wasn’t nailed down.
Well, the toilet wasn’t nailed down. Neither was the sink. But still, he took those.
He’d clean the whole room out.
Except for the Gideon’s bible.
Because it said “Thou shalt not steal.”
George thought it applied just to that bible.
Weekly Challenge #979 – Cork
- Richard
- Lizzie
- Serendipidy
- Norval Joe
- Planet Z
If I overlooked your story for this week, just send it to me with an admonishment and I will get it up on the feed in its own exclusive post.
LIZZIE
“I don’t want to know what you do with those humans. All I know is that when you come back, you can hardly function. You keep yelling Die! Die! Die! and you want to have a plant-based diet for weeks. And there’s no point in coming up with excuses. It was the trip. It was the pollution, it was the weather. There’s always something. This time, you had a drawing of a blond. A blond! So, I want a divorce.”
“A divorce?! Have you been reading the books I brought back with me again? We don’t even have marriages here!”
RICHARD
— A Little Less Conversation —
“Put a cork in it, will you?”
Jeff looked at me, a little shocked.
“Dude, I’m just expressing an opinion.”
“Yeah, but you’ve been expressing the same opinion for the last ten minutes, and I haven’t had a look in! You’re aware that a conversation is a two-way activity, right?”
He rolled his eyes, then gestured for me to contribute to the conversation.
After some thought, carefully considering all the nonsense that he’d been spouting, I came to a conclusion.
“OK”, I said.
“What? Is that seriously all you have to say?” he demanded.
I nodded my head.
“Yep.”
SERENDIPIDY
The products I use are all planet-friendly, plant-based and vegan.
It’s not that I particularly care about the environment, but when it comes to marketing, they really bring in the customers.
Just adding the word ‘recyclable’ to my beauty products can boost sales by fifty percent, and – better still – I can double the price and they’ll still fly off the shelves.
They will of course, still kill you, eventually.
They’re stuffed full of carcinogens, poison and chemicals, even though they’re naturally-sourced.
I can’t put all that on the packaging though, despite being true.
And business is booming!
NORVAL JOE
When the counselor dragged Sabrina away Billbert wandered on to class. Passing a display window by the admin office he saw a number of new photos pinned onto a cork board. There were more than 100 pictures from sporting events, club meetings, and other student functions on the school grounds. He found two pictures of him with Linoliamanda and one with Sabrina.
In each of the pictures there was also a girl, clearly watching them, or maybe just him. He’d never seen her before. She had dark red hair and more freckles than anyone on the Pacific Coast should have.
PLANET Z
Tracking cases is really important for my job
Some people track their cases with a whiteboard, writing new cases on the board and adding notes for status updates.
Others track them online with fancy tracking tools, linking notes and sharing them and running reports.
I use a corkboard with post-it notes, moving new cases from the top to the bottom and adding flags and bubbles to them with additional notes.
And yet, I still miss a few publishing windows or updates.
Just like I did with my white board and online tracker.
But at least the cork board looks cool.
George and the sea serpent
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He pointed at the map and said “Start with that sea serpent, catch that blowing cloud’s winds, and visit that mermaid on top of the treasure chest.”
“George, those are visual embellishments,” said the captain. “They’re not real.”
The rest of the crew laughed at George, and he’d sulk off to his bunk.
Late at night, George adjusted the ship’s course to head straight for the sea serpent.
When they arrived at the spot, there was no serpent.
“Oh well,” said George. “Let’s go see that cloud and mermaid.”
Weekly Challenge #978 – Postal Bomb
- Lisa
- Richard
- Lizzie
- Serendipidy
- Norval Joe
- Tom
- Planet Z
RICHARD
— Gone Postal —
It was effectively a postal bomb.
When I opened the letter that dropped through my letter box that morning, I suppose you could say its contents caused me life-changing injuries.
Everything I thought I knew and depended upon was blown to pieces in that moment, trust was destroyed and the shrapnel and fallout from that letter continues to cause me pain and suffering even today.
They say that the pen is mightier than the sword. Never was a truer word spoken.
I burned the letter and cast its ashes into the wind.
But the damage had already been done.
TOM
Fowl play.
Did you know you can send live baby chicks in the post? Yup. CO22 Perishables. C022 describes the normal transit time standards for mailing perishable goods, including live animals, furs, plants, and non-mailable plant pests. Live day-old chickens, ducks, and geese acceptable in the mail only if: The box is properly ventilated, of proper construction and strength to bear safe transmission in the mail, and not stacked more than 10 units high. There was nothing stated about how many chicks can go in said box. I bet you didn’t know closely packed chicks tend to explode. Thus, a Postal bomb.
LIZZIE
Buy the explosives. Don’t tell anyone.
Buy the explosives online. Don’t tell anyone.
Buy the explosives on the dark web. Don’t tell…
OK, how do I get on the dark web?
I could ask that crazy guy who smokes pot all day. No, better not. Perhaps that other one who buys bread on Wednesdays, the one who only wears black. No… The neighbor down the street? Oh, no, not that one, his brother is a cop. Abort, abort. Bad, bad idea.
This is not going well. Think.
OK, easy steps.
Buy envelope. Don’t tell anyone. Avoid Wednesdays, just in case.
SERENDIPIDY
It may be old-fashioned, but it’s simple, precise, effective and – with careful planning – untraceable.
It’s not like it used to be. With modern explosives and techniques, there’s no giveaways, like greasy marks on the packaging or suspect whiffs of almond.
Plus, it’s sort of environmentally friendly! I make mine exclusively using recycled Amazon boxes, and therein lies the key to my success.
We rarely question when an Amazon box is left on our doorstep, it’s probably something we ordered and forgot about.
Or maybe, we’ve struck it lucky, and received something intended for someone else?
Let’s open it now!
LISA
A Bad Day
I’d woken late, couldn’t find my keys, my hair looked crap… you know the days, right? I left the house in a temper and then there was a queue at the Post Office. It snaked around the shop and wasn’t just out the door, it was down the road. I joined it, cursing everyone in front of me before realising I had to go or risk being REALLY late for work.
I got to work and read a news alert on my phone. A bomb, possibly destined for elsewhere, had exploded early.
Nobody in the Post Office made it out.
NORVAL JOE
When they got to school there were papers everywhere like a postal bomb had gone off in the admin building. Teachers and students hurried around cleaning up the mess. Billbert joined in helping as Sabrina stood back and watched.
“What happened?” Billbert asked a teacher.
The school counselor said, “A freak windstorm blew through just as we were unloading a delivery of paper.”
Billbert turned to Sabrina. “Was that you?”
She gave him an embarrassed smile and shrugged.
Then, the counselor saw Sabrina. “Miss Hexaohos. It’s good to see you’re back. I have someone who wants to speak with you.”
PLANET Z
My phone alerts me when Amazon delivers a package, and I rush out to get it before the local porch pirates come around.
The rare times I can’t, three cameras capture the damn pirate and their license plate.
Every now and then, I’ll leave a box out there with a glitter bomb in it.
When the pirate opens the box, they’ll get blasted with skunk spray and glitter and glue.
I thought about a real bomb, but one day I mistook one of my own glitter bombs for a real package.
It took five showers to wash it all off.
George’s union
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
His job was on the line, so he did what any sensible uneducated manual laborer does in such a circumstance.
“We should unionize,” George told his shipmates. “We need better wages, working conditions, health care, and retirement benefits!”
The crew discussed this, and then voted for a strike and threw down their cutlasses.
Even the parrot was on strike, demanding higher-quality crackers.
Eventually, the captain agreed.
But the next time when treasure shares were distributed, everyone got even less.
“Union dues,” grinned the captain. “Now get back to work!”