George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Pirates need a variety of skills to survive on the seas, and George’s skillset could best be described as “fake it till you make it.”
“Sure, I know Spanish,” said George, crossing the gangplank to the galleon they’d just captured.
He looked over the manifest and pointed out what to take and what to dump.
“Keep pants on your head and watch turtles!” George shouted at the captured crew, as they watched crates of gold go overboard while George had barrels of preserved corpses hauled out of the hold.
Author: R.
George and the Medic
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was a decent medic, though, so even if he couldn’t fight well, it was after the fight that George shone.
He’d tear strips of cloth to use as bandages, heating the edge of a knife to burn wounds shut.
“We wouldn’t need a medic if we had you fighting alongside us,” said the captain.
Which George tried to take to heart, and he fought as well as he could.
Until the captain was wounded. “Medic!” shouted the captain.
George sheathed his sword and picked up a medical bag.
George and the Turing Test
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Just like the Turing test, where judges try to determine whether they are chatting with the human or computer, the Blackbeard test challenges judges to determine whether they are chatting with a human or a pirate.
Scientists stuffed George into a box, and he passed notes through a slot.
George did his best to be convincing, but at the end of the experiment, the judges thought that the box with the computer in it was a real pirate.
The captain hired the computer and left George in the box.
George is not a real pirate
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Whenever he was in Orlando, Florida, he would take a trip to Disney World and get hired as a cast member.
“The robot pirates break down a lot, so we put rubber masks on humans who pretend to be robots.”
The rubber masks were hot, and after six hours, George began to hallucinate.
He sang and waved his sword and then dropped his pants and took a dump in the ride’s waterway.
The video went viral on YouTube, and George went back to being a not very good pirate.
George and the devices
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He has a habit of buying all kinds of electronic devices.
The ones you see advertised on late-night cable television, or the backs of magazines.
They were cheap, flimsy, and broke easily.
George put the broken devices in a box, and he would wind the chords and tie them with rubber bands.
Not that he ever bothered to get them repaired.
Or remember which cord went which device.
He just bought another cheap and flimsy device to replace it.
Which would break, and he’d toss it in the box.
Weekly Challenge #910 – Afford
RICHARD
“Well, I think I’m more than qualified, and I tick all the boxes for your requirements.”
I smiled at each of the members of the interview panel, in my most disarming fashion, then followed it up with…
“Of course, the big question is, can you afford me?”
The chairman frowned, then smiled back broadly.
“Son, I like you. You’re arrogant, self-assured and you seem to have balls of steel. Exactly the sort of person we need in this company.”
I leaned back in my chair, a smug grin on my face.
“However, you’re right… We can’t afford you. Sorry!”
TOM
The River was Wide
Vast and turbulent the river ran the length of the valley floor. Gunter nudged the horse forward. The horse was having none of it. He had hope to cut the journey in half, but that was becoming apparently not an option. A scrawl on scrap parchment marked a long abandon crossing. It was said that was where Saint Martin of the Lake had led the children of the corn to safety after the Huns had swept through the valley. Gunter came in sight of the crossing at dusk. It was not every sturdy but all the same it was a ford.
SERENDIPIDY
Over the years, I’ve learned that – no matter how much I demand – somehow, parents are always able to come up with the asking price, whether they can afford it, or not.
Sometimes, it takes a severed finger, or an ear in the post to convince them, but I’ve never failed to collect.
I’m not greedy though. Mainly because large quantities of cash are difficult to launder. I reckon 25k for a child is pretty reasonable, and nobody seems to struggle raising the cash.
This time though, for triplets, it’s going to cost you dear.
And I don’t do bulk discounts.
LIZZIE
Time. Definitely a luxury not everyone can afford. To plan a trip by train. How enchanting and mysterious! To pack your clothes neatly in a nice vintage bag. To catch a cab to the station. To enjoy the ambiance of that Victorian style. To slowly make your way to the train. To look at the station clock, 10:52. Eight precious minutes. The man was found while she was walking out of the station, a neat little bullet hole on his forehead. When the cops asked her why she had packed a bag, she replied “Because I am a professional!”
NORVAL JOE
As the van sped away, the officer turned back to the teenagers. “You six are under arrest.”
In an instant, the teenagers ran off in six different directions. Taking advantage of the distraction, Billbert slipped into the forest and hid behind a large rhododendron.
The cop stomped around in circles, shouting, “I can’t afford to waist my time.” He ran into the forest toward the Withybottom’s mansion.
Billbert followed slowly, until he heard the police car race away.
Stepping from the trees, Billbert looked up at the mansion and asked, “How can a carpet salesman own such a big house?”
PLANET Z
The headlines say:
Inflation is out of control.
Nobody can afford anything anymore.
Gas, rent, food.
College and health care, too.
Those are way too expensive for anyone to afford.
And yet, I see people driving around and buying things.
It must be my imagination then.
I’m imagining people driving around and buying things.
And when I drive around buying things, I’m imagining myself, too.
Nothing is real anymore.
So I drive home, turn on the television.
College football is on.
Packed stadiums full of people eating and drinking.
Watching so-called student athletes beating the crap out of each other.
George fixes the ship
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was pretty handy at repairs, though, considering all the experience he had with shipwrecks and battle damage.
George would go around the ship, fixing beams and boards, hammering nails, and plugging leaks.
Then he’d sew up the holes in the sails, and replace any frayed ropes in the rigging.
When George was done, he’d go back into the diving bell and call the captain to be raised to the surface.
“Okay, everything’s fixed,” said George. “Now how are we going to bring it back up to the surface?”
George the lifeguard
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When he wasn’t being a pirate, he volunteered as a lifeguard at the local beach.
“I know there’s no pay, but if I rescue someone, can I ransom them for a reward?” asked George.
“Sure, whatever,” said the county commissioner. “As long as they don’t drown.”
George racked up an impressive safety record at the beach.
There were some complaints about the whole ransom thing.
“All I did was threaten cut off a finger or two,” said George. “And maybe cut off part of an ear. But nobody drowned.”
George and the porn stars
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Once, he came across a yacht full of adult film stars, laying around naked in sleazy poses, and a photographer was snapping photos.
George demanded all of their gold, jewelry and money.
“Oh, this jewelry’s fake,” said the photographer. “But that’s a nice ship you’ve got there. Maybe the girls could dress up as pirates for a photoshoot?”
George agreed, and they included him in some of the photos.
Pretty soon, George’s ship became a party hotspot.
Most importantly, the models and porn stars brought real jewelry to steal.
George the wedding planner
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Most pirates would select another pirate to act as a wife.
Becuase, you know, being out at sea for long periods of time and all.
George didn’t have a pirate wife, but it wasn’t because he was a homophobe or anything.
He was too busy planning weddings for all the other pirates.
He got himself ordained as a minister and set up a catering service.
Things went well for a while, until the pirate divorces started.
George shouldn’t have included a lifetime warranty and money back guarantee, I guess.