Author: R.

Weekly Challenge #905 – PICK TWO Why should I?, Rhymes with…, Grasp, Heinz 57, Loop, Unleashed

The next topic is Mass

RICHARD

How many?

Call me pedantic, but all I ask is for some sort of consistency in life.

It’s not much to ask, and sometimes we do in fact get it right – take traffic lights, for example: We all know, wherever we are in the world, that red means ‘stop’ and green means ‘go’. Can you imagine the mayhem if everyone adopted their own colour scheme?

It’s a simple concept to grasp.

Nevertheless, we have Heinz 57, which I’m told, refers to 57 varieties…

So, that’s 40 varieties of WD40, then?

What about 7Up?

And don’t get me started on 100 word stories!

LIZZIE

Why should I worry about that?
Because it rhymes with grasp.
What?
Heinz 57 on a loop, unleashed.
What are you talking about?
I can’t see. These glasses…
Why should I worry about that?
Because it rhymes with clasp and a clasp is always useful.
What?
Heinz 57 on a loop.
What are you talking about?
I can not hear. The voices are too loud.
Why should I worry about them?
Because they rhyme with gasp.
What?!
Heinz 57 on a…
Are we doing this 54 more times?
Silence.
They are gone.
Did I forget to take my pills again?

SERENDIPIDY

I exercise my dogs exercise in the park unleashed.

The signs tell me I should keep them on a leash, but why should I?

After all, it’s not as if they’re doing any harm. It’s always at the dead of night, and only during a full moon; they’re hardly likely to run into anyone innocently going about their business in the park at that time of night, are they?

Besides, it’s cruel to chain them up, they should enjoy their freedom in those brief moments.

And just imagine, waking up as humans next day, wearing collars… People might get the wrong idea!

NORVAL JOE

Linoliamanda’s father was shouting at the police officer, “Why should I have to wait twenty-four hours to report my daughter missing? It’s not like she’s an unleashed dog that slipped through the fence. Can’t you grasp the severity of the situation? This is a child who didn’t come home from school yesterday.”
Before the cop could respond, Linoliamanda was running across the loop in the driveway. “Daddy! Don’t worry. I’m home.”
The look of relief on his face was qickly wiped away. “You’ve got some explaining to do, young lady. Can you think of a word that ryhmes with ‘grounded’?”

TOM

In the Name of the Catsup

“Unleashed the power of the red, we are the children of Heinz 57” intone the Priest of the Yellow Kitchen. Upon the altar of chrome rested the holy bottle. The paper wrapper around the jar had fade over the centuries, but the words could still be read out during the feast of Captain-Crunch. Each of the devotees held high their plastic spoons. Why catsup and breakfast food got connected has been lost to the mists of time. It’s not as bad an idea as you may think because this generation misidentified strawberries for tomatoes. The French’s mustard, that’s another story.

PLANET Z

There were three movie theaters in the suburb where I grew up.
The multiplex in the indoor mall.
The discount screen in the rundown strip mall.
And, across the county line, a drive-in theatre.
It was across the county line because the suburb banned alcohol sales.
The drive-in sold a lot of beer. And, because it showed X and triple-X films, a lot of tickets.
Ohio’s pretty flat, but there’s a few hills and ravines here and there.
And the hill above the theatre got plenty of people with binoculars and telescopes.
I was there too, selling popcorn and sodas.

George the Dummy

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
“Of course, you’re not, you loser,” said Enrique, George’s ventriloquist dummy. “You’re just a big dummy.”
“Shut up,” said George.
“You’re an even bigger dummy than me,” said the puppet.
“Shut the hell up,” shouted George, throwing Enrique into his footlocker.
George started hearing the voices a few years ago, so in order to make it look natural, he got the dummy and pretended it was a ventriloquist act.
Except that nobody else heard the voices.
Still, the rest of the crew gave the creepy George a wide berth.

George corn

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He wasn’t cost-conscious either.
When most pirates tended to pay a dollar or so for corn, George paid a dollar and a half.
“More than a buck an ear?” growled his captain. “That’s against The Pirate Code, that be!”
“Well, it’s organic,” said George. “And pesticide free, non-GMO.”
George also wore a white filter mask when he went into battle.
“To conceal your identity, right?” said the captain. “You don’t have a bandana?”
“Well, I do,” said George. “But that awful gunpowder smoke is such hell on my allergies.”

George’s Telescope

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
“LAND HO!” shouted George.
“That’s just dirt on the telescope’s lens,” grumbled the captain. He took George’s telescope, wiped the lens, and handed it back.
“Thank you,” said George, and he looked through it again.
“THE FLYING DUTCHMAN!” he shouted. “ALL HANDS AT BATTLE STA-”
“Gimme that!” said the captain, and he took the telescope away.
He looked at the lens.
“It’s a smudge I left when I wiped the lens the first time.”
That’s when the ship hit the rocks.
“I told you there was land,” said George.

George at the beach

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He preferred to spend his day laying on a towel at the beach instead of looting and treasurehunting.
The captain was quite clear with George that beach days were rewards for successful raids, not just something to do on a whim.
Deliberately running the ship aground on a nice sandy beach was a no-no.
And falling overboard to wash ashore on one was certainly out of the question.
George watched the calendar, waiting for that special day…
“Beach Day!” he shouted, leaping overboard.
And landing headfirst on the dock.

George and Helen

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When they say that Helen of Troy’s was so beautiful that her face could launch a thousand ships, George was responsible for at least half of them sinking.
“You’re going to be more careful this time, right?” said Helen, handing over the keys.
“Yes, ma’am,” said George. “I promise!” said George.
George barely made it out of the harbor before he sideswiped one ship and ramming another, sinking them both.
And, of course, his own ship.
As George swam back ashore, Helen of Troy’s expression was anything but beautiful.

George plays electric football

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was the pirate equivalent of that electric football game where you arrange plastic figures on a game board that rattles, which moves the figures around.
It’s hilariously fun to watch the first time, maybe the second time.
Unless you take the game seriously. Then, it’s frustrating and stupid.
Eventually, it ends up gathering dust on the shelf, until it’s picked over at a garage sale with a dollar price tag.
George woke up, shook off the dust, and wondered why there was a price tag on his toe.

Weekly Challenge #904 – Overhead

The next topic is PICK TWO Why should I?, Rhymes with…, Grasp, Heinz 57, Loop, Unleashed.

TOM

Escape From SF

In 2030 Primer Trump declared the San Fransisco Commune enemies of the state. A fleet of drones hoovered overhead on the south end of the peninsula raining down a sheet of flame. Over the next three years the regent was placed under the Federal Bureau of Prisons. Maximum Security Facility. Trump got his wall. Behind it went everyone who ICE rounded up. If they weren’t bad hombres before, they are now. I’m held up in the Mount Sutro tower. Me and Jack are working on a plan. If it works, we’re all leaving, Codeword: Overhead. We’re coming after you old man.

As for the reason for my Absence

It seems fitting to end this tale pretty much in the place I began my Podcasting career. In da wake of the Bush Administration, we thought it wise to have a bolt-hole in Canada. So collectively we bought the house I currently writing this. During the summer of 2005 I came up here, spent a week choosing just the right podcast name. What I settle on in this very room was Footnote. For three years Jim and I did 150 shows. With Jim’s death it has became impossible to keep the house here so this is the last four day before the new owner moves in. It has taken a year to close accounts and end business relationship. Much was lost and much needed to be fixed. What I am thankful for is our writing brotherhood. As for the reason for my presents: your support. My new goal: 20 years.

RICHARD

Death by…

I thrust at the fearsome beast as it advanced, jabbing my sword at its exposed throat repeatedly.

Suddenly, I stumbled, losing my footing and falling backwards.

Unable to recover, the monster was upon me, slashing at me ferociously with claws and teeth.

My end was near.

It drew back, ready to deliver the fatal blow; using the last of my strength, my sword flashed in my hand, separating the beast’s head from its body.

“Erm… Are you with us?”

Roused from my daydream by the presenter’s voice, I returned to reality.

“Now, let’s look at staff overhead. Next slide please”

SERENDIPIDY

Ignore the explosions overhead, you’re perfectly safe down here. I promise you.

The reinforced concrete is a metre thick, the airlock is hermetically sealed, and the air supply is hepa filtered through activated carbon.

Whatever they throw at us, we’re going to be just fine, nothing will get through to us, I can guarantee it.

Although, regrettably, there’s been one tiny oversight.

Somebody forgot to stock up before the attack started, and I’m afraid we only have food sufficient for two days.

But, that’s OK, I’m going to eat you instead.

I lied, when I said you were perfectly safe!

LIZZIE

“Who paid the rent?”
The studio was in full swing, over-booked even, and no one bothered to pay the rent for several months.
What could he do? He was just a sound technician.
One day, some goons wrecked the whole place. A fortune in high-end equipment smashed to pieces. Not to mention the broken arms and legs.
The studio was rebuilt soon after.
The mob was now managing it.
Things ran smoothly.
He was happy.
Good thing he had removed some of the expensive equipment ahead of time. The goons got there earlier. Something about a football game on TV.

NORVAL JOE

They ran through the forest as the last of the clouds dissipated overhead.
Billbert stopped. “Let’s join hands and fly off.”
Sabrina held out her hand, though Linoliamanda continued to run through the trees.
They called after her and she slowed just enough to shout over her shoulder, “My house is right here.”
They followed her through the trees onto a large manicured lawn, with a long gravel driveway leading up to a Victorian mansion.
At the drive’s turnaround, at the house, a police car sat with its doors open and an officer spoke to Linoliamanda’s father on the porch.

PLANET Z

There’s a lot of grocery stores around here.
Kroger, HEB, Randalls.
And some stores you wouldn’t think of when you think of grocery stores.
Target, Walmart.
Then there’s Whole Foods.
It’s a rip-off at any price.
Even with that Amazon card.
One of them had a set of charging stations for electric vehicles.
My car is a plug-in hybrid, so I’d go there to top off.
Probably got as much charge as it took to drive there and back.
The last time I went, they had removed the charging stations.
Too many goddamned Teslas parking overnight to mooch, I guess.

George the gambling man

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
You’d think that the captain and the crew would have gotten rid of him by now, but George found ways of being useful.
He ran the fantasy football, baseball, and basketball leagues, and he was the one who organized the March Madness brackets.
He also handled the point squares for Super Bowl, World Series, and other major events.
The crew had a lot of fun with all of this.
George kept five percent of each pool, saving up for the day he could get his own ship and crew.

Concussed George

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
As a result of his clumsiness, he suffered a lot of concussions.
Every now and then, he’d stop and stare at the sky.
“Angelllllllssss..” he sighs, smiling.
He waves his arms slowly, as if he were gliding through the air, like an angel.
“He’s not right in the head,” says the captain to the other ship’s captain, and they resume their battle.
Because George complained to the Department of Labor, all pirates must now wear protective headgear and use padded swords.
And insurance premiums have tripled.
Gee, thanks, George!