Category: Talk Like A Pirate Day

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
As a result of his clumsiness, he suffered a lot of concussions.
Every now and then, he’d stop and stare at the sky.
“Angelllllllssss..” he sighs, smiling.
He waves his arms slowly, as if he were gliding through the air, like an angel.
“He’s not right in the head,” says the captain to the other ship’s captain, and they resume their battle.
Because George complained to the Department of Labor, all pirates must now wear protective headgear and use padded swords.
And insurance premiums have tripled.
Gee, thanks, George!

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Good pirate, wasn’t George.
Pirate. Pirate.
George was a pirate. George wasn’t a pirate.
Good was George, George.
Very good, very George, very pirate.
But but but. But!
George. George was a pirate. George was.
George was. George wasn’t.
A pirate. Pirate was George, pirate, he was George.
A George. A good George. A very good George.
George was. George was a. George was a pirate.
George. George!
Wasn’t George a pirate? Wasn’t George a very good pirate?
George wasn’t.
George wasn’t a very good pirate.
He wasn’t good.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
One day, he just snapped.
He climbed up to the crow’s nest and started shooting at people.
Sure, he missed them all, but he broke a lamp and knocked a handle off of the ship’s wheel.
“You stupid ass!” yelled the captain. “My mother gave me that lamp.”
George eventually ran out of ammo, and he threatened to stab anyone who came up after him.
Knowing George’s skill with a knife, they came up anyway, subdued him, and tied him to the mast until he said he was sorry.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He’d raid container ships, but going from America to China, not China to America.
China sent all the valuable things Eastward, like televisions and computers and microchips.
America, on the other hand, sent recyclable garbage and raw materials Westward.
So, George ended up with a lot of garbage and raw materials.
If it were Gold or Silver, yeah, that would work out nicely.
But 100 metric tons of recovered tires or obsolete computer motherboards with trace amounts of rare earth materials, no.
At least the crews could be ransomed.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When the community theater held tryouts for The Pirates of Penzance, George gave it a shot.
He got a callback.
But he had issues with the production.
“Pirates really aren’t gentlemanly,” said George. “And they don’t dance all that much.”
George spent ten minutes pointing out problems in Gilbert and Sullivan’s writing.
The director thanked George for his thoughts, and shouted “NEXT!”
George told his crewmates, and they raided the theater.
The director demanded that the pirates yield in Queen Victoria’s name.
They strung him up from the rafters.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
George had a habit of using his dagger to whittle bits of wood off of the ship’s railing as toothpicks.
Other pirates picked up this habit from George, and after a week, the whole ship looks like it had been clawed up by a dozen angry cats.
“Enough with the toothpicks!” said the captain. “Stop carving my ship to pieces!”
After that outburst, George left the ship alone.
But he tried to carve a toothpick off of Peg Leg McGinty.
McGinty caught George, and brained him with a club.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Old Smitty wasn’t much better, but he outranked George, and he bossed George around.
He made George do dumb or dangerous things.
Because George didn’t know any better, he’d go ahead and do it.
“That was dumb and dangerous, George,” said the captain. “Also, you did it wrong.”
“I’m just not a very good pirate,” said George.
So, the captain kicked George off the crew.
Standing on the dock, watching as his ship sailed away… and then exploded.
George figured that Old Smitty did something dumb and dangerous correctly.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Calico Keith, on the other hand, was more like what you’d imagine a pirate would be.
He drank, he fought, and he did it all with swagger.
At his funeral, pirates came from all around to pay respects.
George watched the others raise their tankards in a toast.
“HAIL KEITH!”
After everyone left, George dropped his breeches and pissed on Keith’s sailcloth-wrapped corpse.
“You ugly bully,” he murmured.
One of the pirates snuck up on George and shoved him into the grave.
George growled, and planned his next murder.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
How did he become a pirate?
Well, if George existed in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, he could have been like Spiderman, who was bitten by a radioactive spider.
George could have been bitten by a radioactive pirate.
(Radioactive pirates exist, right? From one of those atomic bomb tests?)
Except that would have made him PirateMan. Which sounds weird.
And unlike Peter Parker, who was a teenaged photographer, slinging webs and stopping crimes, George was a pirate, which is a criminal profession.
Even if he wasn’t very good at it.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was careless with the ship’s supplies, and they were always running out of whale oil for the lamps.
So, George scrounged, and he found a box of Pumpkin Spice Yankee Candles that he’d been meaning to wrap as Christmas presents.
He distributed them throughout the ship and lit the wicks.
Then, he went to sleep.
When he woke up, the whole ship reeked of pumpkins, and he had a craving for pumpkin pie.
Everyone did.
“Set a course for the Whidbey Island Pie Shop!” shouted George. “Full sail!”