George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He kept a diary of all his misadventures.
And then he turned it into a series of books.
The books sold well, and George made a lot of money from them.
His old captain sent George a letter threatening to sue him if he didn’t get a share of the money.
George wrote back that suing him would not be a good idea.
The next day, the captain woke up with a can of gasoline and a pack of matches in his bunk.
Leave me alone, said George’s note.
Category: Talk Like A Pirate Day
George’s groceries
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
“When life hands you lemons, make lemonade,” he always said.
He never seemed to have any lemons, though.
George looked through the grocery delivery crate.
Apples… he could make applesauce.
Oranges… he could make orange juice.
Tomatoes… oh, the things he could do with tomatoes.
Tomato juice, tomato sauce, tomato paste.
Slice them up for a BLT?
But he didn’t have any lettuce or bacon.
Potatoes… maybe.
But he wasn’t very hungry at the moment.
So he pulled out his Mister Potato Head kit and played for a while.
Let’s all give George shit
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
At first, it was the captain telling him that he wasn’t very good.
Then, the captain had the first mate harass George about it.
The quartermaster scolded George for wasting food and water.
And the sailing master criticized George’s navigation skills.
If that weren’t enough, the captain brought on boatswains who hounded George night and day for his mistakes.
Pretty soon, it as everybody’s job on the ship to give George shit.
“Who’s steering the ship?” asked George, seeing rocks up ahead.
Everyone shouted at George for questioning authority.
George’s tattoo
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He wanted to get a flaming skull tattoo on his left arm, but halfway through the session, his crewmates came rampaging through the town and accidentally killed the tattoo artist.
The skull’s outline and some of the red flames were complete, along with a long red streak from where the dying tattoo artist dragged the needle.
The other pirates made fun of George’s incomplete tattoo, but George told the story in bars and impressed the hell out of the bartenders, earning more than his share of free drinks.
George waterskis
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When the ship encountered strong winds, George would call for full sail to get the ship to full speed.
Then, he’d drop a line down the stern and strap on his waterskis.
George skimmed along the water, laughing and doing stunts with the ship’s wake.
He did flips and twists, and the rest of the crew cheered.
“Can I have a turn?” shouted the captain.
“No!” shouted George. “Get your own rope!”
The captain cut the rope with his dagger.
“Then get your own damn boat,” said the captain.
George worries
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He worried a lot about things, like what others thought about him or whether he left the stove on before going to work.
“You live on a ship,” said the captain. “You don’t have a goddamned stove.”
Every time George started a sentence with “What if I forgot to…” the captain reminded him that he didn’t have a car to park in the wrong zone, or a smoke alarm to put fresh batteries in.
“Shut up, George,” said the captain.
George worried what the captain thought about him now.
George makes models
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He liked to make model pirate ships.
The problem was, his crewmates were always stealing the glue for his models and sniffing it.
By the time he had a model assembled and he was ready to glue it together, the glue tube would be empty.
He’d go back to the store for glue, but when he got back to the ship, someone had already smashed the model ship.
George switched to Legos, and he assembled them in taverns.
Beer and whiskey were far more intoxicating than the modeling glue.
George’s bad luck
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
And compared to pirate legends, such as Nikolaus Storzenbecher, he was downright pathetic.
They said that Nikolaus could down a gallon mug of beer in one gulp.
George could barely sip his way through a small cup.
And when Nikolaus was captured and scheduled for execution, he demanded that anyone he could walk past after his beheading be pardoned.
The prison warden agreed.
Nikolaus’ headless corpse stumbled past 12 men before collapsing.
George, the thirteenth man in the line, grumbled and kicked the dirt.
“Just my luck,” said George.
George and the name tags
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
There’s a lot of turnover on a pirate ship, so it’s hard to remember names.
George tried to get his shipmates to wear nametags.
The problem was, by the time the nametags were ready at the printer, most of the crew had been killed and they’d recruited new pirates.
George bought a stack of HELLO, MY NAME IS stickers and a sharpee pen.
Most pirates are illiterate, so they drew an X or a dick.
George gave up and called everyone “Smitty.”
Everyone else called George “that annoying dick.”
George and a pet
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Just as Captain Ahab had his white whale, George had his white guppy.
From the moment he saw it, he just had to have it.
No, it wasn’t as epic a hunt as Moby Dick, but guppies are fast.
George swept the net around the tank at the pet store, but never managed to catch the little fish.
“Screw this,” said George. “Just give me a mouse.”
George put his wallet in his jacket pocket and the mouse in his back pocket.
He discovered his mistake on laundry day.