Category: Talk Like A Pirate Day

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Rumors about George spread across the Carribean.
“George is nice to women.”
“George treats captives so well, they don’t want to leave.”
“George pays retail price for things instead of looting and pillaging them.”
The Pirate Council came together to address these rumors.
“This is giving pirates a bad name,” said The Chairman. “We must do something before this catches on and ruins us all.”
But they were too late. The damage was done.
And across the world, pirates became polite and nice.
Almost as much as George was.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was always flying the Jolly Roger upside-down.
Someone would point it out to him, and he’d grumble and bring the flag down, mess with it a bit, and run it back up the mast.
“It’s still upside-down, George,” said the captain. “Try it again.”
Once again, George would grumble and try to fly the flag right, but when he ran it back up and stepped back, it was upside-down again.
“This is why I try to lose battles,” said George. “At least the white flag is never upside-down.”

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Most pirates navigate by landmarks or by the stars, but George preferred a technique that he’d read in a book:
He left a trail of breadcrumbs in the water.
“We can follow them back to port,” he said.
The other pirates pointed out to George that this used up their food supply quickly and that the birds and fish ate all of the breadcrumbs, leaving the pirates without a trail.
George tore up his book of Brothers Grimm fairy tales and left a trail of shredded paper to follow.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
On Veterans Day, he went to the Navy base and hung out at the enlisted men’s bar, listening to war stories and other tall tales.
When it was his turn, George would tell his own stories.
Eventually, an old sailor would stop George and ask him when he served in the Navy.
“Oh, I wasn’t in the Navy,” said George. “I’m a pirate. But I fought against the Navy.”
George hightailed it out of there, running for his life.
At least he never had to pay his bar tab.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
“Obviously not,” said the caseworker at the unemployment office. “Your file clearly shows that you have no aptitude for piracy.”
She sent him to a job training facility, where George learned how to use computers.
After a while, George learned how to use spreadsheets, documents, and presentation software.
“I think you have a knack for this, George,” said the trainer.
That night, George loaded all the computers on a cart, and took them back to the ship.
“Think we can sell these?” asked George.
“Welcome back,” said the captain.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He collected empty bottles, stuffed them with paper, and would seal them into the bottles with corks.
Then, he’d toss them into the sea and let the tides spread them throughout the world.
Scientists collected the papers, and after careful analysis, they determined that there was an unknown continent in the middle of the Atlantic ocean.
But dozens of expeditions later, they never found the continent of Georgelantis.
Meanwhile, George wiped his ass, stuffed the dirty toilet paper in the bottle, sealed it, and tossed it into the ocean.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
“Dress for success!” said the consultant, and he took George to a Saville Row tailor.
George emerged two hours later in a three-piece suit, bowler hat, and carrying an umbrella and a briefcase.
“The perfect gentleman,” said the consultant. He turned George to face the crew. “Don’t you agree?”
They laughed at George.
They stopped laughing when George started his job at a large accounting firm, worked his way through the ranks, and became wealthy and powerful.
“Okay, I admit, the hat does look a bit silly,” said George.

“George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.”
The billboards with those eleven words appeared across Southern California.
A few appeared in Portland, Oregon. And others in Seattle and Austin, Texas.
Nobody knew what it meant, or who had paid for them.
People asked George, but he had no idea either.
“Your guess is as good as mine,” he said.
Some people guessed that he was running for President.
Others thought it was an alien conspiracy.
“Okay, maybe your guesses aren’t as good as mine.”
The billboards vanished the next day, and soon after, were completely forgotten.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was nervous about flying, and he took dramamine pills to prevent air sickness.
Then, he’d have a few shots of courage at the airport bar, followed by little bottles of Jack Daniels while on the plane.
“It’s hard to build a ship in a bottle,” George told the flight attendant, “but tiny bottles? Crazy!”
The captain turned the seat belt signs back on, and George rose up and demanded a mutiny.
The air marshal tased George, and he spent the rest of the flight handcuffed to the toilet.