Category: Talk Like A Pirate Day

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
How did he know this?
Well, the captain was always telling George that he wasn’t a very good pirate.
And his crewmates kept telling him that, too.
The constant criticism annoyed George, driving him completely mad.
One day, in the middle of a dressing-down, he tossed a lit match into the powder room.
It immediately went out.
“Oh, come on!” said a passing crewmate. “That’s now how you set off the powder room and blow up the ship. Here, let me show you…”
Mercifully, the captain stopped him mid-demonstration.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
After every battle, George would gather up the dead, wrap their bodies in sheets, and plan for their burial at sea.
He did his best to write eloquent eulogies for every one of them.
Devoted sons who sent back a share of their loot to their mothers…
Good husbands, good providers…
Despite the many carnal temptations, always faithful…
“So, how do you know so much about everyone,” asked the captain.
“Oh, I just make shit up,” said George, and he shoved the wrapped bodies into the sea. “Anybody else?”

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He hired Sven, a professional life coach, to help him with his problems.
Sven wasn’t a very good life coach, so he gave George bad advice, which caused even more problems.
So, George hired a personal trainer. And a business consultant. And a change management expert.
An entourage surrounded George, shouting a cacophony of conflicting advice at him.
George covered his ears and shouted “STOP!”
His shipmates took the coaches, consultants, and trainers hostage.
The total ransom paid was a fortune.
George retired. Until his accountant robbed him blind.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
They say that he was completely scared of his own shadow.
Which is okay if you’re facing the sun or a light source, because your shadow is behind you, but not so good if the light source is behind you.
“AAAAAAAAAAAH!” George would scream. And he’d run as fast as he could.
But no matter how fast he ran, he never could manage to outrun his own shadow.
George never did manage to get over his childish fear, but he did set a few world records for long-distance running.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Which led to a lot of damage to the ship, and time at the dock for repairs.
George drew up plans and made a list of things needed for repairs:
Boards, saws, nails, screws, pitch and tar…
The problem was, George had proudly adopted the Metric System.
While his crewmates used the English Imperial system.
Measurements were way off, and the ship ended up a patchwork mess.
The captain made George walk the plank.
Which was three meters long, not three feet.
George fell in the shark-infested water anyway.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He sat at a busy corner and held a sign that said: NOT A VERY GOOD PIRATE.
Passersby put money in his hat, and he’d growl and leer at them.
Now and then, someone would talk to George.
He just blankly drooled.
After a few days, a doctor came by and examined George.
“Okay, you no longer have a concussion,” he said. “Go back to your ship.”
George returned home with a hat full of money.
The captain smiled, and bonked George on the head again with a cannonball.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He kept a diary of his misadventures hidden in the ship’s rowboat.
Every night, he’d lower the boat into the water, row the boat a few yards away from the ship, and wrote by candlelight.
Then he’d stash the diary, row back to the ship, and put everything back into place before going to sleep.
His shipmates would sneak peaks at the diary, and they enjoyed the stories that George wrote.
So, they’d come up with all new ways to torment George, and looked forward to reading about them.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When bad things happened, he always blamed others.
“Maybe you should look in the mirror, George?” said the captain.
So, George did. And he blamed the mirror.
From that day on, George smashed every mirror he saw.
“Damn you all!” he’d shout, whacking the mirror with the butt of his cutlass until it was nothing but tiny shards of broken glass.
He kept them in a bag on his belt, and he’d get angry and stuff it in people’s mouths.
“CHEW IT!” he’d shout.
And he’d smash more mirrors.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was constantly wrecking his ship, and it spent a lot of time being repaired.
Eventually, every part of the ship needed to be replaced at least once.
“So, if every part of the ship has been replaced, is this still the same ship?” asked George.
Some of the crew said yes, some said no, and some just stared back, confused.
Meanwhile, back at the dock, Captain Theseus stood before a skeletonized ship, ranting and raving.
“Damn that George!” Theseus yelled. “He stripped my ship for spare parts again!”

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
But at least he wasn’t always pointing at people and shouting “YOU’RE WORSE THAN HITLER!” like Old Man Johnson was.
“That’s really annoying,” said George. “isn’t there something useful you can do?”
One morning, they found Old Man Johnson in his bunk, dead.
Nobody went to his funeral, and there wasn’t even an obituary in the paper.
But everyone assumed that his last words were “YOU’RE WORSE THAN HITLER!”
Well, maybe not shouted, Probably wheezed, because George’s hands were on the guy’s throat, choking the life out of him.