Category: Talk Like A Pirate Day

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
The stress of being a pirate caused him indigestion and ulcers.
So, he drank a lot of milk and ate smooth foods like yogurt.
It’s not easy to get those things fresh out at sea, so he filled the cargo hold with cows and a fully-operational dairy.
The crew saw the cows and thought “steak”, but George convinced them otherwise with some fine artisanal cheeses.
“Why don’t you just become a farmer?” asked the captain.
George thought for a moment, shrugged, and went below decks for the morning milking.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When supplies ran low on the ship, there were only two options: rationing and finding another ship to attack and rob.
Well, okay… they could have headed back to port for more supplies, but where’s the fun in that?
And there are only so many crewmates to eat.
The captain called for the crew to assemble on the deck.
Only George showed up.
“Did we eat everyone else?” asked the captain.
“I guess so, captain,” said George.
They headed back to port for more supplies.
And, of course, recruits.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When he was out at sea, he wouldn’t bother with a spyglass or a barometer or any of the traditional weather forecasting tools.
He’d pull out his cell phone and check the weather application on it.
Usually, he couldn’t get a signal, and he could only tell if it was raining by whether the cell phone was wet.
However, on the rare times he got a signal, he’d still get the forecast wrong.
Because he’d disabled the GPS locator, and would get the forecast from their home port’s location.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
The captain stripped George of his duties and made him safety officer.
“You’re an expert on unsafe things, considering how many accidents you’ve caused.”
George took to the new assignment quickly.
The smoke alarms took a while to get calibrated properly.
FIRE DRILL! shouted George when the alarms would go off by accident.
The men gathered on the deck, filling buckets with sea water to throw on the fire.
After the tenth false alarm, they tore out the smoke alarms, wrapped George with the wires, and threw him overboard.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He had a habit of microwaving popcorn, which stunk up the whole ship.
By the time the other pirates went to the galley, George had eaten it all.
The pirates suggested that George eat bagged premade popcorn, but George said that it tasted stale.
So, George tried the traditional Indian method of making popcorn: throwing whole ears of popcorn on an open flame.
Instead of the stench of microwave popcorn, George’s shipmates smelled burning wood.
“I made enough to share,” beamed George, as the ship was engulfed in flames.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He wasn’t even a very good George the Pirate.
In a George the Pirate contest, he came in third.
A cardboard cutout of George came in second place, and the shadow that it cast on the wall came in first.
George drew his cutlass and slashed the cardboard cutout to pieces, destroying it and its shadow.
“I AM THE GEORGEST GEORGE!” screamed George.
He held the trophy high over his head.
With first and second place vacant, the judges changed their decision.
They awarded first place to George’s shadow.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When other pirates asked him if he was a Ginger or a Mary Ann, he’d say “Both, and Mrs. Howell too.”
Which was true, because when George had wrecked his ship on Gilligan’s Island, he’d fucked all three of them.
Then, after the Professor repaired his ship, he took all of the Howells’ money and left them all stranded on the island.
Some say that the clumsy and dimwitted George is actually Gilligan in disguise.
“Nonsense,” says George, stuffing a red shirt and white hat into his foot locker.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He knew the water, and he knew boats.
So, he signed up with the Coast Guard.
Sure, he had problems with his background check and criminal record, being a pirate, but George knew some folks who knew some folks, and they cut through the red tape and got him his commission.
George rescued lots of people. And he intercepted lots of illegal cargo.
He eventually started to keep some of the illegal shipments for himself, selling them on the black market.
Maybe he was a good pirate after all.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He did his best to cover his blunders.
So when he stranded his ship on a beach, he disembarked with a pirate flag and planted it on the sand.
I CLAIM THIS LAND IN THE NAME OF THE PIRATE NATION!
The problem was, the land had already been claimed. And named.
“Bem-vindo a Portugal,” said the natives.
George pulled out a sextant, made a few measurements, and checked his map.
There, in big letters: PORTUGAL.
George smiled and waved.
And went back to help his crew with the ship.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Some say there never really was a George.
They say that George was a made-up character that other pirates would wear as a disguise so they could do all the things they couldn’t do as themselves.
Kind of like how Andy Kaufman and Bob Zmuda invented Tony Clifton, an obnoxious drunk lounge singer.
“You never see George in the same room as Rummy Bill,” people would say.
So Sneaky Peter dressed as George and was seen with Rummy Bill.
George watched all this and laughed.
And became Tony Clifton.