Category: Talk Like A Pirate Day

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
His most recent personnel review had branded him a coward, so George set out to prove his valor and bravery.
He volunteered to take the morning shift at the wheel, and when he saw a light through the fog, he called for all cannon to be loaded, full sail, and he steered to close the distance.
“FIRE! FIRE!” shouted George, and the crew launched a full volley…
At the Charleston Lighthouse.
His next review branded him an idiot.
“But at least I’m no longer a coward!” beamed George happily.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
The other pirates sang sea shanties.
George rapped. Badly.
And not just White Guy Badly.
Imagine Pat Boone rapping.
No, imagine Bob Hope rapping.
Cue cards and Alzheimers and that glassy, lost thousand-yard-stare.
Well, George was worse. Much worse.
“Yo, Scurvy Dog” was his first attempt at a song.
They smashed his boombox.
They threw his scratch turntables overboard.
They tried to string George up by his microphone cord so many times, he switched to a wireless one.
West Coast, East Coast, Barbary Coast. No crew would have him.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Every time his crew raided a town, he’d draw his cutlass and roar “The synagogue’s mine!”
His crewmates thought he was some kind of bloodthirsty anti-Semite, and they’d go “Sure, George, whatever you say.”
George would run to the synagogue, bolt the doors shut, and heave a sigh of relief.
Sometimes, there’d be locals praying for protection from God, and George would try to reassure them that it would be okay.
“Just help your neighbors rebuild,” he say.
And when the raid was over, he’d return to the ship.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
“It’s because you’re a white, straight, cisgendered male,” said the ship’s Chief Diversity Officer. “You’re a privileged member of The Patriocracy.”
“When the shit did we get a Chief Diversity Officer?” muttered George.
“Diversity is our strength!” shouted the officer, who shoved George overboard. “Go hate elsewhere!”
While George swam for shore, the crew demanded living wages, unlimited vacation days, remote work, and a foosball table.
Anyone given an assignment would accuse their superior of racism, sexism, and homophobia.
As the ship headed for the rocks surrounding the harbor.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
After watching The Muppet Movie, he tried to think about songs about rainbows.
But the only one he could think of was the one that Kermit the Frog sang.
So, he tried to write a sea shanty about rainbows.
It didn’t come out so well.
It sounded like three cats fighting in an oil drum.
George tried different musicians, but it always came out badly.
He leaned on the ship’s railing, watched a rainbow over the ocean, and hummed a happy tune.
If only he’d written that song down.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He didn’t have much of skills or talent.
At the first annual Pirate Talent Show, he arranged flowers.
Well, weeds. He didn’t have any flowers to arrange.
And instead of a vase, he had a helmet.
Pathetic, really.
At the second one, he did bird calls. No birds showed up.
“Why don’t you do something more pirate-like,” said his captain. “You know, swords or cannons or knot-tying.”
So, for the third show, George stuffed swords into a cannon and tied a knot around it.
And arranged flowers around it.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
You’re not supposed to clip your nails or cut your hair on a ship.
It’s seen as an offering to the goddess Persephone.
But Neptune is a jealous asshole, and hates it when you make offerings to other gods.
So when George opened a manicure stand and barber shop below decks, the captain had George marooned.
George set up a manicure stand and barber shop on the island.
And the crew came ashore to have their nails and hair done.
“Just a little off the top,” said the captain.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
There’s a superstition about boarding boats with your right foot.
Because the left foot is unlucky.
The captain put a sign at the gangplank that said DO NOT STEP ON BOARD WITH YOUR LEFT FOOT.
George, of course, kept boarding the boat with his left foot.
“Oops,” said George. “Sorry. My bad.”
And bad things kept happening.
The captain handed the cabin boy an axe and peg leg to shake at George when he boarded.
“Either use your right foot, or this will be your left.”
George complied quickly.