Category: Talk Like A Pirate Day

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He got captured a lot.
Captured pirates would be held in crowded prisons, dragged to the gallows, and hanged until they were dead.
As the pirates were paraded to the gallows, the crowds would shout insults and throw mud and rocks at them.
In that crowd, George threw mud and rocks at his former crewmates.
“Sorry, captain,” he’d say upon returning to the ship. “I tried to rescue them, but there were too many guards.”
“Serves them right for getting caught,” said the captain. “Weigh anchor and set sail.”

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When someone has a heart attack, people yell “Is anyone a doctor?”
Or when there’s a crime happening, people shout for the police.
Sometimes, the local police shout for pirates, but they’re doing it as a trap to catch pirates.
Maybe a few of the dumb ones.
“Let go of me!” shouted George. “What am I being charged with?”
“Piracy!” said the cops.
“Oh,” said George. “I got confused. My last name is The Pirate.”
George was found unable to stand trial due to mental incompetence.
They released him.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
This provided a lot of material for his fellow pirates to come up with a roast of George.
They rented a ballroom and tuxedos, hired caterers, and threw a pirate celebrity gala.
One after another, famous pirates went up to the podium and told jokes at George’s expense.
George sat there, in the seat of dishonor, listening to it all.
When it was finally George’s turn to speak, he drew his cutlass, hacking and slashing at everyone around him.
Including a waiter or two, according to the police reports.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He volunteered for night watch duty because he wasn’t very good at things which happened during the day.
He was also an amateur astronomer, and he’d use his telescope to look up at the stars.
Out on the ocean, with no light pollution, the night sky was amazing, and he was on the lookout for the other plants, comets, and the many wonders of the cosmos.
He wasn’t on the lookout for other rocks, other ships, and storms.
He shouted “HARD TO PORT” and “HARD TO STARBOARD” a lot.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He drank a lot, and the Coast Guard constantly cited him for BUI.
“But I’m not in a boat,” said George. “I’m just walking the pier.”
“But you’re walking to your boat,” said the Coast Guard.
“Where I plan to sleep this off,” said George. “The boat’s securely moored, it’s going nowhere.”
The Coast Guard accompanied George to the spot where his boat was moored…
Well, had been moored.
“Okay, so I’m not so good with knots,” said George. “So, can you help me file a missing boat report?”

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate. He often forgot where he docked his ship, where he buried his treasure, and even his own name. He fell overboard during fights and got lost on deserted islands. He had no sense of direction, strategy, or even map reading skills. Despite all this, he always made his crew laugh. One day, while on the verge of being captured by the Navy, George saved the day by accidentally finding the secret passage to the treasure they were seeking. From then on, he became known as the luckiest pirate alive.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
“Do you smell pizza?” George asked, as he walked around the ship, sniffing the air.
“There’s no pizza, George,” said the captain. “Now swab the deck, or I’ll make you walk the plank.”
George swabbed the deck, but every few minutes, he’d stop and sniff the air with a curious look on his face.
“Okay, fine,” said the captain. “I’ll order some pizza.”
The captain sent a landing party ashore with the order, and it took them three days to return.
By then, they’d eaten all of the pizza.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was always trying to get out of work.
He’d say things like “I think I’ll take a personal day today.” or “It’s a holiday for my people.”
Or he’d claim to be sick, and hand the captain a note from his doctor.
The same doctor who said that George shouldn’t lift anything heavy or stay out in the sun too long.
“Why exactly are you a pirate, George?” asked the captain.
“For adventure!” said George, laying in his bunk.
The captain introduced George to the adventure of keel-hauling.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He also wasn’t very courteous to his fellow shipmates.
He’d shave in the morning, and leave the stubble in the sink.
He’d pee with the seat down and splash all over it, and then he wouldn’t wipe it off.
Instead of tossing his used toilet paper in the toilet to flush, he’d toss it in the wastebin.
He’d drink a flagon of grog, and then put his unclean flagon back on the shelf.
George didn’t get invited to a lot of birthday parties.
That’s okay. He didn’t like cake.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He spent a lot of time up in the crow’s nest, alone on night watch.
So, when the space aliens abducted him, nobody noticed he was gone.
“Greetings, Earthling,” said the aliens. “You will be your species’ ambassador to our world.”
“I dunno,” said George. “Do ambassadors loot and pillage and plunder?”
“Not really,” said the aliens. “That’s a politician and businessman thing.”
“I’d rather stay a pirate,” said George.
“Fine,” said the aliens, and they released George. Into the water.
The captain assumed that George fell overboard again.