Category: Talk Like A Pirate Day

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was fit enough. He had the education for it.
But things never seemed to work out for George.
“It’s all in your mind,” said the captain.
So, George went to a therapist.
The therapist told George that the problem was as obvious as an 800-pound gorilla in the room.
George looked around for the gorilla, but he couldn’t see it.
“It’s a metaphor,” said the therapist. “It means something big and scary and obvious.”
So, George bought a gorilla.
But when he tried to weigh it, it escaped.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Any time his fellow pirates would uncork a bottle of wine or rum, he’d ask for the cork.
He’d put them in a canvas bag in the hold, and when the ship would dock at port, he’d drop them off at the cork recycling center.
Where the cork would be processed into shoe soles, corkboards, building insulation, and floor tiles.
And, of course, new corks for wine and rum bottles.
Some of which ended up in the hands of George’s shipmates.
“Mind if I take that cork?” said George.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was averse to stabbing.
Whether it was George doing the stabbing or others stabbing George, he was averse to it.
Some thought this to be cowardly, but hacking and slashing weren’t a problem for George.
Well, when George was doing the hacking and slashing.
When others were doing it, George was somewhat averse to those, obviously, but not as averse as he was to stabbing.
So, George wore armor. Very thick armor.
Under a giant foam-rubber pirate mascot outfit.
And, from inside, George loudly cheered on his crewmates.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was always hitting the capslock key when typing up memos .
“That’s shouting,” said the captain. “Only the bosun is supposed to shout.”
“Do you shout?” asked George.
“No,” said the captain. “That’s what the bosun is for.”
To solve the problem, George took the capslock key off of his keyboard.
But he forgot to unset capslock.
“Order a new keyboard,” said the captain. “And just hold the shift key to get lower case while you wait. Oh, and…”
“YOU’RE AN IDIOT!” shouted the bosun.
“See?” said the captain.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
But as they say, those who can’t do, teach, so George was transferred to the prestigious Pirate University.
He pretty much stuck to the basics and the books, and the three R’s:
Reading, Riting, and ARRRRRRRR.
And, yes, pirates are so bad with spelling, Riting does start with an R.
George was so bad a teacher, none of his students graduated.
Heck, none of them survived their classes.
They all ended up buried in the university’s swimming pool.
Desperate for more crewmen, George’s old ship reluctantly hired George back.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was a lot better at being a pen-pal, and he sent letters to many people around the world.
Since he was out at sea a lot, they took a long time to hand off to a post office at port.
So George decided to become a full-time naval postal carrier.
He organized other carriers to transport messages from ship to ship.
Until the captain put an end to his fledgling enterprise.
“Raise the Jolly Roger,” said the captain. “And fire the cannon. That’s the only message we’ll send.”

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Back in The Golden Age of Piracy, pirates would obtain their cutlasses from many different makers.
These days, pirates tended to purchase their cutlasses from only Apple Weapons Manufacturers or Sam Song, The Blacksmith of The Orient.
Both were fairly similar, but the Apple was more expensive and Sam Song’s cutlasses had newer and more reliable features.
You could even say that they were the cutting edge.
George would fumble with his Blackberry cutlass, and the other pirates would laugh at him.
Giving him an opportunity to strike first.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When he first started as a pirate, pirates were free to make their own decisions and things were freer.
Over time, the bureaucracy grew, and eventually, there were meetings for everything and you had to fill out a form to get anything taken care of.
George missed the freedom of the early days, so he started a mutiny.
Surrounded by angry brigands, the captain demanded to see their mutiny authorization forms.
None had the right documentation.
The captain dismissed them all, and ordered a staff meeting in two weeks.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He liked to stand out in the rain and listen to the rain hit the rails and decks.
He found it peaceful and calming.
But he also found it annoying that the rain got into his coffee mug, and would dilute his coffee.
George tried to use an umbrella, but he didn’t like the sound of the rain on it.
So, he gave up coffee, and he would tilt his head back and let his mouth fill with rainwater.
It was nice and refreshing, until the seagulls flew overhead.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When he was caught and charged with crimes on the high seas, George demanded a jury of his peers.
So, the court sent out jury summons, and a group of pirates eventually arrived.
Instead of jury selection, the court charged those pirates with crimes, too.
“I should have known it was a trap,” said George’s captain. “If only I’d have gone to the website and filed for a medical excuse.”
All of the pirates were convicted, and sentenced to be hung.
“A hung jury,” George whispered, and he chuckled.