Category: Talk Like A Pirate Day

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
This didn’t stop him from joining The Secret Pirate Club.
He’d slip into the alley, knock on the door, and a panel would slide open.
“What’s the password?” whispered a voice.
“Dead men tell no tales,” whispered George back.
“Your password has expired,” whispered the voice. “Please select a new password.”
George tried to, but the voice insisted that the password needed a capital letter, a symbol, no spaces…
Then it insisted on two-factor authentication on a thumbprint-secured smartphone.
George grumbled, pulled out his iPhone, and searched for signal.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was never on the guest list of the big pirate parties.
“I’m George,” said George to the bouncer at the gate. “George the Pirate.”
The bouncer checked his clipboard. “Nope. Sorry.”
Then he’d unlatch the velvet rope to let Blackbeard or LaFitte pass.
So George saved up his money and threw his own big party.
He got the word out, but didn’t invite anybody.
All smug and full of himself, George arrived, but the bouncer refused to let him in.
“Shit,” said George. “I forgot to invite myself.”

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
No, not that George. That guy’s a decent pirate.
I’m talking about the other George. The one who isn’t a very good pirate.
Maybe it’s in the tone of my voice?
You can tell when I’m talking about the good George and when I’m talking about the bad George.
Then there’s Jorje. That guy… wow, what a pirate!
Not only does he have the moves, but his accent is incredible!
Leaves those other two Georges in the dust.
Especially George.
(See how I change the tone of my voice?)

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He wasn’t even good at the basics, such as tying knots.
He had many diagrams to study from.
But he just couldn’t master the art of connecting a rope to something else, or connecting a rope to another rope.
The other pirates made fun of George for this, and they mocked and ridiculed him constantly.
Despondent, George threw a rope over a crossbeam, made a hangman’s noose, and put it around his neck.
The crossbeam splintered and cracked, bringing down the roof.
George wasn’t good at building houses, either.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was in charge of supplies, so when the ship ran out of food and water and everything else, George was in a bind.
“I have an idea,” he said.
So, the captain sailed right up to a British Navy vessel and surrendered.
As the British captain ordered his men to board, the pirates snuck on to the British ship and took it over.
And then sailed away, laughing.
The British discovered that the pirates had taken the sails with them.
But they hadn’t taken George.
“Oops,” said George.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
The captain ordered the crew not to sell Girl Scout cookies for their daughters, well, the daughters that they knew about, but you know pirates.
They’re always breaking the rules.
Even the captain would pass around an order sheet, and everyone knew that he didn’t have any children.
George signed up for all of them, but when it came time for delivery, George never got his cookies.
There was some kind of mistake at the warehouse or distributor or something.
To tell the truth, George didn’t really like cookies.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When he first applied for jobs, he didn’t have much experience, so he padded his resume a bit.
George figured that what he didn’t know already, which was a lot, he could learn on the job.
Pirates aren’t good at checking references, and they tend to be a boisterous and boastful lot, anyway.
Always shouting about Davy Jones’ Locker and treasure maps and crap like that.
So, George got the job, and he started immediately.
And he started causing problems immediately.
He never did learn much on the job.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Still, he was proud to be a pirate, and when he competed in the Olympics, he wanted to walk behind the Jolly Roger, not behind the flag of any nation.
And certainly not the flag with the five Olympic Rings that they used for stateless individuals or refugees.
He might not have been a very good pirate, but he was a pirate none the less.
The Hosting Committee winced.
“Well, he is competing on a yacht,” said the committee chairman. “But the rules should be clearer about ship-to-ship combat.”

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He tried to make light of this during his lightning talks at the annual Pirate Conference.
Lightning talks are where a bunch of presenters talk about a subject for five minutes.
It’s sort of like Toastmasters.
Despite not being good at piracy, George liked speaking to a captive audience about it.
Well, figuratively captive. A literally captive audience made him nervous and self-conscious.
Which is why he didn’t kidnap many people and hold them for ransom.
He preferred to just borrow money from people and not pay it back.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
However, this didn’t matter. Because all the ladies love pirates.
So dashing, so handsome.
Who cares if they’re bumbling incompetents, fumbling their sword and tripping over every rope and pile of cannonballs, as long as they set a virile and dashing figure.
Nobody had to know the truth, and George certainly wasn’t about to tell them.
His shipmates, on the other hand, had absolutely no problem telling the women how much of a fool George was.
And that’s why there’s hookers. They’re paid not to ask too many questions.