Category: Talk Like A Pirate Day

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He’d tried everything to be better, but it just never worked out.
So, George sought out a fortune-teller.
She laid out Tarot cards and said that George would some day be a great pirate.
“You’re kidding me, right?” said George. “I want a second opinion.”
The fortune-teller looked into her crystal ball. “No bullshit, Joe. The ball agrees.”
George thanked her, and that’s when the pirates raided the town.
While robbing the fortune-teller, he dropped the crystal ball, and it cracked.
“Bet you didn’t see that coming,” said George.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He liked to garden, though.
Which isn’t very easy to do on a pirate ship.
The bunks didn’t get much light. And the upper decks got a lot of foot-traffic, so his flowers and herbs would get stomped.
Hanging window boxes from portholes worked for a while, until they hit rough seas.
When he hung the window boxes from the rails, they got knocked loose when his crewmates swung over to board another ship.
In the end, he volunteered for night watch and grew flowers in the crow’s nest.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
While his shipmates looted gold and silver and gems, he only managed to grab a movie projector and several reels of film.
That night, George set up the projector, and showed “Casablanca” on the mainsail.
The crew loved it.
“More!” they shouted.
Town after town, George would grab more movies and show them.
His crewmates would steal cases of whiskey to drink, and they even grabbed a popcorn machine to make snacks.
Other ships would anchor by George’s ship and watch, too.
Their Rocky Horror Nights were utterly ghastly.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He really liked to play basketball, and he nailed a backboard and net to the main mast.
The crew would play three-on-three half court.
But every now and then, someone would block a shot really hard, and the ball would sail over the rail and into the water.
The ball floated, so George used a net on a long pole to recover the ball.
And then, there was Lefty, who had a hook for a hand.
A sharp hook.
George sighed, and tossed the deflated ball over the rail.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When there were sixteen men on a dead man’s chest, George would join in and throw off the count.
Or, if he were a part of that sixteen, he’d realize he was late for something or another, and leave his fellow pirates one man short.
Then they’d have to recount, which wasn’t always easy, pirates being notoriously bad at math counting on their fingers.
Well, the guys with all their fingers. Some had hooks for hands.
This led to a few scuffles, and in the end, nobody really wins.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
So, he sought the assistance of a management consultant.
The consultant determined that George’s problems were the result of workplace design flaws and poor ergonomics.
After several months in overhaul, the ship was ready to sail.
The decks were easier to swab, the cannons were easier to load, and the keel was easier to haul.
Even the Jolly Roger was at optimum jolliness.
“RAISE ANCHOR!” shouted the captain.
And George promptly fell overboard.
“Just leave him there,” said the captain.
George watched the ship sail away.
“Magnificent,” said George.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Instead of looting and pillaging, he would buy things from merchants and then put them on an expense report.
“You’re not doing it right,” said the captain. “You take things and don’t pay for them.”
“Oh,” said George. “Sorry about that. I had student discounts and coupons. And my credit card miles, too.”
The next raid, George came back stark naked.
“They took everything,” he said.
The captain sighed and put George back to work in the galley.
“So when do I get my expense report reimbursed?” asked George.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
His planning and execution weren’t quite up to pirate standards. The Project Management Triangle eluded him.
Where others know to respond to unreasonable demands with “You want fast, cheap, and good? Pick two of those.” George would respond “Okey dokey. I’ll get right on it.”
Three weeks late, George would come in way over budget with something utterly inadequate.
“I asked for a salad,” said the captain. “This is a burlap sack full of rocks.”
George would smile, say “Aw shucks!” and go back to screwing something else up.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Most pirates exchange their loot for gold, and they make jewelry out of it.
That way, they can carry their wealth with them everywhere.
George put his money in the bank and investments.
Pretty soon, he got into real estate and shipping. And helped his crewmates invest wisely, too.
“Avast, me hearties!” shouted the captain at a passing merchant vessel. “Stand aside and prepare to be boarded!”
George tapped the captain on the shoulder. “We have stock in that company.”
“Never mind,” shouted the captain. “Have a nice day.”

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He liked to borrow the captain’s telescope and go birdwatching.
Which was a bit unnerving, because when George went to watch the birds, he imagined that the birds were watching him.
“Let’s go piratewatching!” said a bird to the rest of the flock.
“That sounds like a great idea!” said the flock, and they all flew to the docks and watched the pirates.
George looked at the birds sitting on the dock and felt nervous.
“That’s… just… creepy,” said George.
“Can I have my telescope back?” said the captain.