George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
But he was good at preparing and filing taxes for his shipmates.
With practice, he was able to generate exemptions and refunds that were more lucrative than any treasure chest or pillaging raid.
Pretty soon, the pirates no longer had to pillage and loot and plunder to make a living.
They sat back, enjoyed life, and let George handle the paperwork.
Eventually, other pirates realized what was going on, and they all ganged up on George’s crew.
“So this is how it feels,” mumbled George, preparing to repel boarders.
Category: Talk Like A Pirate Day
George the Career Seeker
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
A career guidance counselor tried to help him explore other options.
“Perhaps instead of piracy, you could explore the many related careers around it?”
He helped George build a chart: shipbuilding, sailmaking, weapons forging, gunsmithing.
There were so many jobs indirectly related to piracy.
“There are so many things I could do instead of being a pirate, but still stay in the pirate industry,” said George. “I’ll think about it.”
He then proceeded to loot and pillage the guidance counselor’s office.
“Sorry,” said George. “Nothing personal, it’s only business.”
George the Pirate Recruiter
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
So, they made him go to high schools as a recruiter.
Back in the day, you could send out press gangs to shangai men for crews, but these days the competition for talent was fierce.
George would try to explain the benefits of being a pirate to the students: treasure, adventure, and occasional romance.
Legally, he was obligated to tell them about the drawbacks, too: scurvy, no medical or dental plans, and a high mortality rate.
Nobody signed up. But at George got to pillage a few trophy cases.
George the Santa
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Still, he had his moments.
Every Christmas, George put on a Santa suit and played Santa for the crew’s Christmas party.
They’d line up to sit in his lap.
“What would you like for Christmas, little boy?” he asked in a deep jolly Santa voice.
They’d ask for new boots, new swords, a pile of treasure, their own ship, or to retire as a barkeep with pretty wenches.
“Sorry,” George would say to them, “You’re a pirate, so you’re on my naughty list.”
George got beaten up a lot.
George asks Santa
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
That’s good as in skilled, not good as in a good person.
Even Santa had to admit that George was a good person.
“You’re on my nice list, George,” said Santa. “That’s rather surprising, because every other pirate is on my naughty list.”
“And did you get my wishlist?” said George.
“Yes,” said Santa. “A new hat.”
“One that won’t blow off of my head in a strong wind, right?” said George.
“Yes, yes,” said Santa. “Now get off of my lap, your cutlass is digging into my leg!”
George and the mall santa
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Around Christmastime, he’d earn some extra cash as a Mall Santa.
But he wasn’t a very good Mall Santa, either.
He put on the suit, got up on the chair, and kids sat in his lap and asked him for things.
Everything went smoothly. No crying, pissing, vomiting, or long lines.
The mall’s owner fired him.
“When kids cry, their mothers buy them things,” said the boss. “When things go quickly and smoothly, they don’t buy anything.”
George plundered the mall and got some new boots. And oven mitts.
George the Pirate Costume
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Oh, sure, he always wanted to be a pirate.
He dressed up as a pirate every Halloween and went Trick-or-Treating.
One year, after hearing “Aren’t you too old to be trick or treating?” too many times, George went to the tavern.
Sure enough, there was a table full of pirates, and when they were done drinking, George tagged along.
At first, the captain was happy to get a new recruit.
But after so many screwups, he wished that George had dressed up like a clown and joined the circus.
Striking colors
Back in the days of frigates and pirates, to show your colors meant to lower the flag you sailed under and then raise the Jolly Roger to reveal that you are, in fact, pirates.
Which is kinda strange, considering that the Jolly Roger was a white skull on a black field. Not very colorful at all.
I’m sure you could make a comment about rainbow flags and “butt pirates” but that’s highly offensive, and you should never use that kind of language.
Instead, just say “Yarrr!” and “Shiver me timbers!” over and over.
Otherwise, you should prepare to be boarded.
George the Meticulous Pirate
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
In battle, while other pirates would fire their cannons quickly, and swing with ropes to board the enemy vessel, George would spent several minutes calculating trajectories, powder volumes, and muzzle angles.
He also insisted on a clean barrel, to avoid backfire or breach explosions.
“Shoot, you fool!” the captain would shout. “Shoot!”
When he eventually did shoot, he’d take out the enemy’s powder room, and the ship would explode into kindling and sink.
“Yes!” shouted George.
“How are we supposed to get the treasure now, genius?” the captain said.
George the Pirate watches the sunset
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
None of the other pirates liked him very much.
He spent a lot of time in the galley, or swabbing the deck, or up in the crow’s nest.
He loved to watch sunrises and sunsets, the yellows and oranges and reds spreading across the sky.
It made him feel warm and good.
And it helped him to forget all of his failures, mistakes, and screwups.
It also helped him to forget about the British Navy vessels approaching from the East.
Well, their cannons would help him remember soon enough.