Category: Talk Like A Pirate Day

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
His shipmates drank rum and grog, while he maintained a wine cellar in a corner of the ship’s hold.
He kept it hidden from the others, stacking up a pile of old sails and crates.
Every now and then, someone would spot George tossing an empty bottle over the rail into the sea.
“Oh, sorry,” he’d say, “that’s the last one. If only you’d been around when I opened it.”
One day, they took heavy cannonfire, and George’s precious wine collection was smashed to bits.
George wept for days.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
The only hostage he ever took was the family dog.
And the truth was, he was taking it for a walk.
When the kids asked if they could have a dog, they said they’d care for it and walk it, but they didn’t.
“If I have to take this thing for a walk one more time, I’m taking it to the pound,” announced George.
The next day, George took the dog for a walk… to the pound.
Then he walked to the nearest pirate ship and joined the crew.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Instead of repeatedly telling George that he wasn’t a very good pirate, which was slowing a lot of things down on the ship, the other pirates used the ship’s metrics tracking application to pile on George.
Pretty soon, the entire message wall was full of nasty notes and sniping.
George didn’t read any of it. He preferred to watch cat videos.
The other pirates complained about that, too.
George finally logged on and complained that everyone was typing up bad reviews instead of looting and pillaging.
The captain agreed.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Or, at least that’s what the other pirates said.
When George took a serious look at his mistakes, he realized that only a few of them were genuinely his fault,.
A large amount of the problems were, in fact, other pirates screwing up, but blaming George.
This made George very frustrated. And very angry.
But would anyone listen? Would anything change?
He thought about the captain… the biggest screw-up of all.
Probably not.
George shrugged and “fell” overboard.
As he swam for shore, he thought about a new career.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He’d bonked his head on the bulkhead and taken to worshipping a potato.
Eventually, the potato would rot and begin to smell.
Pirates don’t smell good to begin with, so when his crewmates complained about the smell, you know it was bad.
George would drop the old potato overboard and get a fresh potato to worship.
“It’s like the Dalai Lama and his reincarnations,” said George. “Except with a potato.”
George bonked his head on the bulkhead and stopped worshipping the potato.
“They worship me now,” he whispered, grinning.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He read the headlines about corporate mergers among media giants, and he figured that it was only a matter of time before it would spread to the pirate community.
Sure enough, a Disney executive showed up with a briefcase full of cash and contracts.
“We want to create a real Pirates of the Carribean tourist experience,” he said. “Interested?”
George took the executive hostage and held him for ransom.
And he tore up the contracts. Better to sail under the Jolly Roger than the despicable mouse ears of Disney.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Instead of getting drunk in taverns and sleeping in alleyways, he would stay in hotels.
Of course, he’d take the towels, soaps, and shampoos. I mean, doesn’t everybody?
The lamp and nightstand table, too.
Pretty much everything. The sheets, the pillows, the bed… anything that wasn’t nailed down.
Well, the toilet wasn’t nailed down. Neither was the sink. But still, he took those.
He’d clean the whole room out.
Except for the Gideon’s bible.
Because it said “Thou shalt not steal.”
George thought it applied just to that bible.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He pointed at the map and said “Start with that sea serpent, catch that blowing cloud’s winds, and visit that mermaid on top of the treasure chest.”
“George, those are visual embellishments,” said the captain. “They’re not real.”
The rest of the crew laughed at George, and he’d sulk off to his bunk.
Late at night, George adjusted the ship’s course to head straight for the sea serpent.
When they arrived at the spot, there was no serpent.
“Oh well,” said George. “Let’s go see that cloud and mermaid.”

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
His job was on the line, so he did what any sensible uneducated manual laborer does in such a circumstance.
“We should unionize,” George told his shipmates. “We need better wages, working conditions, health care, and retirement benefits!”
The crew discussed this, and then voted for a strike and threw down their cutlasses.
Even the parrot was on strike, demanding higher-quality crackers.
Eventually, the captain agreed.
But the next time when treasure shares were distributed, everyone got even less.
“Union dues,” grinned the captain. “Now get back to work!”

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
After a hurricane hit Port Royal, George asked his fellow pirates for donations to the relief effort.
The pirates handed over extra clothes, food, and medicine to George.
George dropped the supplies off at the local church.
“Bless you, son!” grinned the preacher.
The next day, George saw the preacher selling the previous day’s supplies to a merchant.
George drew his sword and killed the merchant and the priest.
That’s when the pirates raided the town, grabbing up the donated supplies.
George dropped his sword, sat down, and wept.