Category: My stories

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He never had much time to practice his swashbuckling and looting skills because of his piano lessons.
All day long, his tutor worked him through scales and chords.
George fumbled through these progressions for weeks.
“Again!” growled the tutor.
Chastened, George would start over again.
Eventually, George got better, until his instructor said “Well done.”
George thanked his instructor, and then groaned as he carried his piano back to the ship.
“I really should have taken accordion lessons,” said George, as he put a heating pad on his back.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He tried to learn how to navigate by the stars, but he was more interested lying on his back on the deck at night and just looking at them.
Out on the sea, without any light pollution from human civilization, the night sky was absolutely stunning.
So was the collision when the ship hit some rocks that George was supposed to avoid.
George made it to the rowboat, while the rest of the crew sank with the ship.
George lay back in the rowboat and stared at the stars.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
All the other pirates picked on him and made fun of him.
George felt sad all of the time.
Then, all of the crew came down with the flu.
Except for George.
They were completely helpless and at George’s mercy.
George cooked chicken soup, and prepared medicine, and took care of everyone.
He nursed everyone back to health.
Well, most of them. The ones who didn’t make it, he gave a decent burial at sea.
The crew thanked George.
And then went back to picking on him.
What bastards!

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
The dentist examined George’s teeth and said “No cavities. Again.”
“That’s good, right?” said George.
“No, that’s bad,” said the dentist. “You’re a pirate. You’re supposed to have lousy teeth. And not many of them.”
George sighed, picked out a lollipop, and slunk all the way back to his ship.
He looked at his toothbrush, toothpaste, dental floss, waterpick, and tongue scraper for a long time, and then…
He brushed his teeth, flossed, picked the remaining debris with a medical wash, and ran the tongue scraper on his tongue.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was a lily-livered, chicken-hearted coward of a pirate.
The ship’s doctor confirmed this.
“Based on my vast medical and surgical experience with you, George, I can confirm that your liver is almost completely made from lilies, and your heart is identical to that of a chicken.”
“What can you do for me, Doctor?” said George.
“I recommend that you cringe, cower, and flee at the first sign of a fight.”
“But I already do that,” said George.
“Good,” said the doctor. “Here, have a lollipop.”
It was butterscotch.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He got scared easily. Loud noises, the dark… you name it, George was afraid of it.
He slept with a teddy bear, and he carried his security blanket around.
“You look silly,” said the captain. “Put that blanket away.”
In time, George overcame his fears. And he didn’t need his security blanket or teddy bear anymore.
The captain was relieved. One less thing to worry about.
And as he went to bed, wrapped in George’s security blanket, he told Teddy “Good night” and he blew out his lantern’s candle.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Instead of searching for buried treasure, he downloaded the Amazon app on his phone and chased the Amazon Treasure Truck around the country.
He caught up to it outside of Birmingham, Alabama.
“Stand and deliver!” shouted George.
A company representative got out of the truck and asked George if he wanted standard delivery or if he was an Amazon Prime member.
“I’m a damn pirate,” growled George. “Give me everything.”
George ended up with 1,000 fidget spinners.
He tossed them in a dumpster and went back to his ship.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
After Bing Crosby and Bob Hope made The Road To Hong Kong, their writers put together a script for The Road To The High Seas.
The studio hired George as a consultant.
“For my vast experience in sea warfare and buccaneering?” asked George.
“No, for your clumsy bumbling antics,” said the studio. “This is a comedy, not a drama.”
Bing was nice, but was consistently drunk.
Bob couldn’t function without a dozen cue cards in every direction.
George gave up, and the picture sank like many of George’s ships.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When it was his turn to man the galley, he insisted on making hand-tossed pizzas.
The problem was, when he tossed the pizza in the air, it would hit the ceiling and stick.
“Why don’t you roll out the dough?” asked the captain.
“Roll the dough?” said George. “This is the authentic way of making it!”
So, the captain let George toss the pizzas while out on the main deck.
The wind caught the dough and blew it overboard.
The hungry crew tossed George over the rail after it.