You think life is so good on Easy Street?
Well, you fool, I own a house on Easy Street, and life’s not so good.
Any window that’s not boarded-up is broken.
Half of the streetlights are out. The rest have been knocked over.
Stripped cars up on blocks, or sitting out on the curb.
Nobody comes around to pick up the trash. Mountains of trash.
Rats and vermin everywhere.
Naked children splashing in mosquito-ridden muddy puddles.
Disgusting.
Thank God I don’t actually live there.
I just own that house to establish residency in that ward for my city alderman job.
Category: My stories
Crazy Driver
When the office moved to the North side of town, I didn’t own a car, so I commuted with coworkers who lived nearby.
One would stop at Whataburger every morning. I always ate breakfast at home, because we’d be late by a quarter hour, and get docked the cost of a Whataburger breakfast. I figured I broke even.
Another drove his wreck of a truck like a crazy man, weaving from lane to lane, and he’d shout ” Slow down, Mister Zoomy!” at anybody that would pass him.
Both were crazy.
But I was even crazier, riding with them willingly.
Washing
Some people are obsessive about washing their hands.
They wash their hands fifty or sixty times a day.
I’m obsessive about other people washing their hands.
Whenever I see someone, I get out a washbasin and soap so they can wash their hands.
When I went off to college, I was bunked with an obsessive who washed his hands constantly.
The dorm advisors thought that we would be a good match.
We weren’t. We both flunked out because we never made it to a single class.
You could say we both washed out, but I’d punch you in the nose.
Tanjat
The student leader Tanjat has been in solitary confinement for five years.
Amnesty International sells t-shirts with his name and face on them.
The door to his cell opened.
Ah, mealtime.
“I envy you,” says his guard, putting down a tray of rice and tea.
Tanjat raises an eyebrow.
The guard continues:
“I bring you food, while my family starves. I bring you clothes, while my family wears rags. My every word and thought is monitored, while you are free to think or say anything in here.”
Tanjat smiles.
The next day, a new guard brought Tanjat his daily meal.
River Walk
It takes about an hour to walk along the city’s riverbank.
The path used to be just dirt, but now it’s paved so that bikers can travel the length of the river.
However you travel the river, there are beautiful gardens and homes to see.
There’s also a crime problem. With all the people walking and biking, gangs like to rob them.
Or, if it’s a pretty single jogger, much worse.
This is why most people have guns on them. To deal with the muggers.
It takes an hour to walk along the river.
Longer to float back down it.
Jesus’s hangups
No, Jesus wasn’t crucified.
He died from autoerotic asphyxiation.
In between the sermons and miracles, he liked to have his apostles bind him up and hang him from the rafters.
Or he’d have them strangle him while he jerked off.
“Maccabee” was his safe word.
After the Last Supper, Jesus had himself strung up and dangled upside down in a closet.
But something went wrong. A belt slipped, and Jesus’ neck broke, killing him.
Everyone blamed Judas for the accident.
Ashamed, Judas ran off, strung himself from a tree, and killed himself.
No, he wasn’t jerking off at the time.
Decorating the tree
It’s a challenge, decorating the Christmas tree.
You have to do it just right.
You want to spread out the colors, so all the red ornaments aren’t next to other red ornaments, gold ornaments separate from other gold ornaments, and tinsel and lights evenly distributed throughout the tree.
But not too evenly. You don’t want the tree looking perfectly symmetrical.
It should look like a natural distribution of the decorative elements.
Not that chopping down a tree and sticking it in your living room, and then covering it with all sorts of crap is what I’d consider to be natural.
George the Santa
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Still, he had his moments.
Every Christmas, George put on a Santa suit and played Santa for the crew’s Christmas party.
They’d line up to sit in his lap.
“What would you like for Christmas, little boy?” he asked in a deep jolly Santa voice.
They’d ask for new boots, new swords, a pile of treasure, their own ship, or to retire as a barkeep with pretty wenches.
“Sorry,” George would say to them, “You’re a pirate, so you’re on my naughty list.”
George got beaten up a lot.
Bobby the King
Bobby Baker was the king of the second grade.
Smart, popular. Picked first in gym.
He was the lead in every school play.
That led to commercials, which led to acting.
His family moved to Los Angeles, and producers and directors absolutely loved him.
No, he didn’t get many parts. I mean love in that sick, casting couch kind of way.
His parents collected the hush money, spent it on themselves.
Bobby came back to town a few years ago.
He teaches acting at the grade school, but when kids ask him what it’s like, he says “Study Math harder.”
Santa Cookies
Some people leave out milk and cookies for Santa.
I helped Mom make chocolate chip cookies this year.
But I slipped in Ex Lax squares instead of chocolate chips.
Because, last year, when I was seven, I wanted a bicycle.
All I got were sweaters, socks, and underwear.
Despite sending him letters and being good, he kept bringing me the same practical crap every year.
So, I snapped.
Christmas Day, we all go down to the living room, and we unwrap presents.
Except for Dad. He’s still in the bathroom.
I guess he’ll need the new underwear Santa brought him.