We’re holding a Tupperware Party at my house.
No, we’re not showcasing food containers.
We’re a political party. And we’re planning a revolution.
We hope to preserve the union, the constitution, and individual freedoms.
How will we do that? Simple, really.
By encasing everyone in plastic containers, of course. And by pushing down the lids to burp out any air.
We’ll start by sealing up all of the current political leaders in Washington. And capitals across the world.
Once peace breaks out, we can unseal them.
Make sure to label everything. Although creamed spinach is much more popular than Congress.
Category: My stories
Dark Music
I wake up in the dark, wrapped in a thin blanket, and I cannot see anything.
I hear nothing but the sound of my breath, and my heartbeat.
I can feel the floor. The floor is cold tile.
I can feel my violin case next to me.
It feels strange… wet… slick…
Something is sliding around inside of it.
I hear a violin in the distance. My violin.
I wrap the blanket around me tighter.
The music is getting louder… closer…
A voice whispers in my ear. “Thank you for the violin.”
The music is getting softer.. further…
I scream.
Shelf
I started with a bottle of wine.
Then, I turned the lights down low.
Tonight’s going to be special.
I took the Philip Glass CD down from the shelf and put it into the player.
Then, when the moment was right, I pulled the shelf from the wall.
The screws popped loose after a few tugs.
I wiped the dust off of the shelf and gave it a long, deep kiss.
Oh yeah.
The next day, I met up with my ex and told her all about it.
“I told you to go fuck yourself,” she said. “Self, not shelf.”
The Test Of Time
It’s amusing to watch movies from a few years ago.
As much as I try to enjoy the story and acting, It’s hard not to notice:
Older computers
Older cell phones.
Older cars.
Older hairstyles.
Older brands.
And the so-called special effects before digital effects can be cheesy and corny. Totally unbelievable.
When I watch movies now, I wonder how I’ll view the dated material in them.
Will the cool whiz-bang effects today look like a joke in twenty years? Ten years? Five years?
This is why I only watch hardcore pornography now.
That stuff stands the test of time.
The Cowardly Little Phone
The toaster, radio, lamp, electric blanket, and vacuum left the cabin to seek out their long-lost owner.
The rest of the furniture stayed behind and waited.
Some of the furniture had an excuse not to join the expedition. The television’s tube was too fragile, and the bed was too large to fit out the door.
The telephone had no excuse. It was small, agile, and light.
But after years of constant ringing, it was finally free of the headaches, and it didn’t want that pain ever again.
That’s why it refused to call in the first place.
Silence was golden.
Buh Bye
I am flying home from a conference in Atlanta.
While I looked out of the window of the plane, I noticed a few strands of hair stuck in a seam of the window shade.
They were a dark amber, thin, and very long.
I tried to imagine who they might belong to.
Maybe some girl going back home for spring break?
Or some woman flying to a business meeting?
Perhaps they were from some stewardess, getting screwed against the cabin wall during a long and boring flight?
No, that’s not right.
They prefer to be called “flight attendants” these days.
Air Message
I like to leave messages on the air sickness bags on airplanes.
Messages like PRIZE INSIDE! and CONTENTS SOLD BY WEIGHT, NOT VOLUME!
But my favorite message of all is 100% RECYCLED.
I rarely need the bags myself… because I’ve already thrown up in the bathroom at the airport.
I thought about signing my work, but security is nuts on airplanes these days.
What I do is a harmless and innocent kind of weird, but all too easily misunderstood.
I’d hate to get detained and interrogated.
It makes me sick to my stomach to think about it.
Where’s that bag?
Fly? No.
I don’t like to fly.
I used to not mind it at all, but now, I can’t stand it.
I tried hypnotherapy, virtual simulations, and all kinds of drugs and New Age crap.
None of it works. It only seems to make things worse.
So, I stopped flying.
And then I realized that I like where I live. It’s a really nice city, with a seaside resort a short train ride away.
Except that I now don’t like to ride that train.
Or in a bus.
Or car.
I’ll just sit here at home.
It’s quiet. And safe.
(I hope.)
Fashionable Shedding
I own a lot of black shirts because I like black shirts, and I fool myself into thinking that I look good in black.
When we owned two black cats, I could pick them up and hug them without worrying if they would shed on me.
Now that we’ve got Tinny, she’ll shed a lot of white and gray hair on me when I try to hug her.
Then she’ll jump out of my arms to get away. And back to her Mommy’s lap.
I’m not jealous, mind you. Let her deal with the shedding.
I look good in black.
Choices
Myst and Bruwyn got along great.
They slept together.
They groomed each other.
They went outside and hunted together.
Now, it’s Tinny and Myst.
They don’t sleep together.
They don’t groom each other. Their ears are filthy.
And we only let Myst go outside to hunt.
She whines at the back door to be let out. So, we do.
Then she stares through the glass to be let in.
We open the door, but she runs off again.
She keeps doing this over and over.
It’s not right to wish that Bruwyn was alive, and not Myst.
But I do.