When you wish upon a star, you really shouldn’t be standing in the middle of a busy freeway.
Especially if you’re wishing for something like “First star I see tonight, get me the fuck off of this busy freeway right now!”
You’d be better off running as fast as you can to the side of the road. And not wearing black, because you’ll get hit no matter what.
No, that doesn’t mean you should quickly wish for reflective clothing, either.
In fact, forget about the wishes, and forget about the freeway.
How about we just play some Ping Pong, okay?
Category: My stories
Spackle
I eat a lot of yogurt.
Mostly, I eat the light Yoplaits with the fruit flavors, but now and then I get plain vanilla.
That’s plain vanilla, not plain.
Plain vanilla tastes like vanilla, while plain tastes like spackle.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to start my day off with spackle.
Nor do I want it as a mid day snack.
If there was some Sam-I-Am character who was trying to get me to eat plain yogurt, i wouldn’t let him chase me all over the place.
I’d stab him through the heart with a spoon.
Charger
I keep a battery charger and spare phone cord with me now.
I don’t want to run out of power on my phone ever again.
The last time I ran out of power, I was in the Emergency Room all alone with an iPhone that had a broken sleep button.
And a broken elbow.
My friends rescued me when they had the gift shop send a universal charger to my room.
And every kind of candy bar, cookie, and beverage they had in stock.
As much as I like Nutter Butter, the charger and cord are just a bit handier.
References
It’s important to check references.
Teddy’s resume looked impressive. He had the education and the experience to get through the first round of cuts. And he was open and personable in the interview.
However, when I called one of his references, her translator said “Good luck getting Teddy to work for you!”
I flagged the translation as ambiguous, and the translator dug a bit deeper for me.
Her tone wasn’t “Teddy will never accept the job” or “I hope Teddy accepts the job.”
Instead, the reference suggested it’s hard to motivate Teddy to do any work.
I shredded his file.
Utter crap
Don’t tell us that if you think writing is difficult, you haven’t tried editing.
That’s utter crap.
Anybody can write words on a page. But the real writers out there can take these words and rearrange them into magical journeys and epic tales.
Or, if a sentence isn’t quite coming together, they’ll eliminate it entirely.
Why stop at a sentence? How about an entire paragraph? Several paragraphs? A page? A chapter?
Or the whole damn thing.
So don’t think of this stack of blank pages as me being lazy, professor.
I wrote a lot.
And then, I edited everything out.
Unique
Whenever I travel, I always try to experience whatever there is that is unique to the place I am visiting.
Microbreweries offer up a taste that I can’t get back home, even if what comes out of their vats is too sweet, too bitter, too gritty, or too slimy.
I never eat at a chain restaurant either. Why get what I can get back at home?
So why am I eating salmon in Atlanta? There’s no oceans or salmon runs near Atlanta.
I read the menu: Atlantic salmon.
Atlanta. Atlantic.
Close enough, right?
Another glass of sweet tea, please?
Thanks.
Barber Artist
Trevor doesn’t call himself a barber.
Instead, he calls himself a hair artist.
“If a chef can call himself a culinary artist, then I can call myself a hair artist.”
I tried to argue, but Trevor held up a razor.
“This is my chisel. You’re my medium.”
I didn’t argue. I just listened.
“My work lasts longer than a chef’s art. And it travels better. Unless it’s raining and you don’t have an umbrella. Or there’s high winds.”
When he was done, he took a picture.
In case someone bids and buys his art.
I hope I get a cut.
The Tupperware Party
We’re holding a Tupperware Party at my house.
No, we’re not showcasing food containers.
We’re a political party. And we’re planning a revolution.
We hope to preserve the union, the constitution, and individual freedoms.
How will we do that? Simple, really.
By encasing everyone in plastic containers, of course. And by pushing down the lids to burp out any air.
We’ll start by sealing up all of the current political leaders in Washington. And capitals across the world.
Once peace breaks out, we can unseal them.
Make sure to label everything. Although creamed spinach is much more popular than Congress.
Dark Music
I wake up in the dark, wrapped in a thin blanket, and I cannot see anything.
I hear nothing but the sound of my breath, and my heartbeat.
I can feel the floor. The floor is cold tile.
I can feel my violin case next to me.
It feels strange… wet… slick…
Something is sliding around inside of it.
I hear a violin in the distance. My violin.
I wrap the blanket around me tighter.
The music is getting louder… closer…
A voice whispers in my ear. “Thank you for the violin.”
The music is getting softer.. further…
I scream.
Shelf
I started with a bottle of wine.
Then, I turned the lights down low.
Tonight’s going to be special.
I took the Philip Glass CD down from the shelf and put it into the player.
Then, when the moment was right, I pulled the shelf from the wall.
The screws popped loose after a few tugs.
I wiped the dust off of the shelf and gave it a long, deep kiss.
Oh yeah.
The next day, I met up with my ex and told her all about it.
“I told you to go fuck yourself,” she said. “Self, not shelf.”