A friend of mine recently underwent a colonoscopy.
They were all freaked out over it. The fasting, purgative, and the discussion about the anesthetic just made it all worse.
I told them how I just laughed through my own colonoscopy preparations and the procedure, and things turned out okay.
So, they went through it all, and they just told me “They found a precancerous polyp.”
That’s great news, I said, precancerous and not cancerous.
“Yes! Thank the gods!” they said.
Except the God Of Precancerous Polyps, of course.
Because he’s a total dick, giving those fucking polyps out to people.
Category: My stories
Madness
I don’t give a crap about March Madness.
Professional sports are a waste of time, but college sports are a waste of academic institutions.
Instead of focusing on educating students and researching the frontiers of knowledge, these colleges and universities train and babysit these gargantuan kids to perform for the crowds.
Where there should be a series of lecture halls and labs, producing results around the clock and year, massive stadiums and arenas sit idle, waiting for a few home games a year.
Forget that slam dunk… give us a cure for cancer! A pollution-free engine!
The ignorant crowd cheers.
Border
After years of debate and finger-pointing, Congress finally got to the business of working out a fair and complete overhaul of immigration policy.
Citizenship would be extended to illegal aliens who had demonstrated all the qualities America was looking for, while the borders would be protected and secured.
The President smiled wide and signed the bill into law.
The next day, the country was overwhelmed with a flood of immigrants demanding amnesty.
“None of them actually stepped on the border, right?” asked the President.
Sure, the border itself was safe, but nobody thought to protect and secure the country, too.
A Fine Kettle
There’s no sound quite like the whistle of a teakettle.
I like to fill up the teakettle, put it on the stove, and then wait for the whistle.
Then, I take off the kettle, pour the water out, and start again.
I’ll do this a few dozen times in an evening when I’m in the mood.
Sure, you can boil water in the microwave, but there’s no whistle.
Just the beep of the timer when it’s done.
My new place has a boiling water spigot in addition to the hot and cold taps.
That’s nice.
Hand me the kettle, please.
Juicer
Rumors spread across the sporting world that the greatest athlete in the sport was using performance-enhancing drugs.
But then, everybody was doing it back then. The sport was rotten with cheaters and juicers. Everybody doped and juiced to keep up with him.
He just did it more effectively.
Finally, on his last race on the last tour in his career, he performed clean.
No drugs.
No blood doping.
No enhancements at all.
And he came in last place.
Until, of course, he ratted on everybody.
He was the only one to pass the tests, and was declared winner by default.
Vanish
Do weightlifters vanish when they try to lift weights in weightless environments?
I don’t know. But I’m sure that they could figure it out on the space station.
Okay, so there’s many other high-priority experiments that take priority over a weightlifter in space lifting weights. Like superconductors and crystals, and superconducting crystals.
And when it costs so much to boost cargo into orbit, weights won’t exactly going to top the manifest.
Still, it doesn’t take much to fashion some makeshift weights, wear a strongman suit, and test the theory.
Until then, the greatest mystery of the universe remains a mystery.
Middle Man
Everybody’s always saying they’re gonna cut out the middle man.
Who is the middle man?
Why is he in the middle?
What’s he doing there?
If he was just getting in the way, why was he there in the first place?
Where do you learn how to be a middle man?
Middle school?
So, you want to cut him out?
If he’s not in the middle anymore, what’s he going to do with his spare time?
I’d rather have him there in the middle, where I can see him. There’s no way I’ll turn my back to a guy like that.
Parland
West Parland and East Parland have been enemies for so long, there’s no remaining evidence of there having been a unified Parland ever existing.
Each claims to be the right and proper Parland, claiming sovereignty over the other, home of the National Church Of Parland, speakers of the Original Parland language, and keepers of the Parland style of cuisine.
Finally, in the dead of night, after so many years, the East Parland Army marched West… and the West Parland Army marched East.
They completely missed each other, and they conquered their enemies’ lands.
The citizens woke up confused and frightened.
3D
These three dimensional printers are revolutionizing the manufacturing process.
But they’re also screwing with the structure of society.
Students in my 3D Manufacturing Class aren’t allowed to print duplicates of themselves to do their homework for them, but that doesn’t stop them from turning off the anti-cloning filters and playing God.
But then, a lazy student who clones themselves will create a lazy duplicate.
And I routinely check the logs for biological replication, so the cheaters are easy to discover and hand an F.
Well, I don’t hand them an F.
My duplicate does.
(Or has he duplicated himself already?)
Can of worms
Where did the expression “can of worms” come from?
Well, long ago, bait shops would sell worms in pails with lids.
If you wanted to bait a hook, you had to pry off the lid and pull out a worm.
Once the pail was open, you had to close it back up. Otherwise, the worms would crawl out and escape.
So, it’s not the opening a can of worms that’s a problem, but not putting the lid back on it.
If you use worms.
I catch fish with dynamite. To blow a hole in the wall of the fish market.