Welcome to the Five Wells, stranger!
One is a wishing well. You can make wishes there for things like wealth, fame, and power.
The second is an unwishing well. That’s where you can take back wishes you make in the first well, because wishes always come with unintended consequences.
The third is a wishing unwell. Toss a coin in there if you want to wish something bad, like someone getting sick or something.
The fourth is an unwishing unwell. Just in case you regret using the third well.
The fifth one’s for tossing in strangers who ask too many questions.
Category: My stories
Bacon Feast
Ted finished his sixth plate of bacon, sucked his greasy lips, and moaned with delight.
“One more?” asked the waitress.
Ted gurgled “No, just the check.”
The waitress thanked him with a smile and left a vinyl folder on the table.
Ted took it, and it slid out of his hand.
He tried again, and it popped out of his hands and on to the floor.
So did his napkin.
“Help?”
The waitress slid him into the parking lot, where he was sprayed with soap and hosed down.
“Thank you,” said Ted, and he waddled away.
(Without paying the bill.)
Ken and Barbie
His name was Ken, short for “Telekenetic.”
Her name was Barbie. It wasn’t short for anything.
Barbie would bring things to Ken, and he’d lift them with his mind.
Barbie laughed.
So did the researchers, watching from behind one-way glass and through cameras all throughout the testing area.
They called it “The Dream House.”
Ironic, since Ken and Barbie didn’t dream. They gave them drugs so they wouldn’t dream.
The body paralyzes muscles during sleep, but it doesn’t disable telekinetic abilities.
Before the drugs, everything would fly around the room, the building would shake.
Now, they just wet their beds.
Elevens
Bob rolled the dice… eleven. Win.
Bob rolled the dice again… eleven. Win.
Bob rolled the dice once again… eleven. Win.
The base dealer rapidly exchanged chips, and then the stickman pushed the pile to Bob.
The pit boss put his hand on the stick. “Late bet,” he said.
The stickman raked the chips back in.
“Excuse me?” said Bob. “I didn’t move anything.”
“I said late bet, sir. Place your bets.”
The videotape showed Bob shoving the stick up the pit boss’ ass, shouting LATE BET THIS!
The casino owner chuckled, and added it to his all-time favorites shelf.
Hit The Sauce
My friend Tony has been hitting the sauce pretty hard recently.
Hitting it hard enough to shatter the glass jars it comes in.
I wish he’d do it outside on the driveway so I can hose the sauce off into the gutter, but he does it in the kitchen and it splatters on the countertop and on the stove.
What a mess!
I told him that it comes in bags now. Those can take a beating.
“What, like cheap wine?” Tony growls. “So you think I should be getting cheap sauce, too?”
God, he’s so stupid. I need a drink.
The Patient Patient
Seth ran into the storeroom, slammed the door shut, and pushed a table against it.
WHAM! A zombie hit the door, rattling Seth.
The lock held. For now.
He pulled out a cigarette, remembered he was inside, oh screw it, the world’s ending, right?
He reached for his lighter… damn it, where… where… no lighter.
More pounding. Loud moaning.
“Want a smoke?” he had asked Dr. Grant. “Not like these guys are going anywhere, right?”
Oh, how he wrong he’d been. All he wanted now was just one smoke.
Grant had his lighter.
Seth moaned. And the zombies moaned louder.
Sniffing Glue
She tells me that I have no fucking clue.
But, truth be told, I have no glue
Without the glue, my thoughts don’t stick.
I draw a blank, I don’t know dick!
She says:”Make a note and write it down!”
Do you take me for some dumb clown?
Of course I write it down on notes.
And then I lose them, this shit blows goats!
The doctor wants to scan my brain
He hopes that scan just might explain
Why I haven’t ever got a clue
Is it okay if I tell you?
(Alright, I’ve sniffed way too much glue.)
The Silent But Deadly E
A silent e changes the pronunciation of the vowel earlier in the word.
Cod becomes code.
Slop becomes slope.
Wad becomes wade.
However, after years of training, a silent e can also become invisible and a master of the deadly arts.
Hai!
These are ninja e, and they are the deadliest assassins in grammar.
One powerful spin from a ninja e can crush your spine, leaving you a limp rag before their deadly rage.
Try to crawl away.
Try to scream for help.
By the time you realize she, the ninja e is here, you’ve already been killed by her.
Plus
What’s all of this fuss
About Google Plus?
You’re suspended? You’re blocked?
Well, color me shocked!
Did you think for a minute
They’d let you stay in it?
The circles and streams
Fill up with your screams
Of protest and threat
They’re not listening, I bet.
If they took time to explain
We’re just a nuisance, a drain
We don’t buy all that stuff
The ads sell, so tough!
Facebook’s just the same
We don’t fit in their game.
When will Twitter become
Like these “real name” scum?
Well, you can all go to Hell
(Time to log into SL.)
Space
Janey the Packrat was always running out of space on her work computer.
After buying a bigger hard drive and archiving files to disks, she still kept running out of free space.
“Try compressing things,” said the office geek.
So, she did. She ran the Compression routine and it said she had plenty of free space.
“What if I compress the compressed stuff?” she asked herself.
Sure enough, she had even more free space.
Ten hours later, as she ran the compression routine for the fifteenth time, her computer imploded, collapsing into a black hole and slowly devouring the earth.