Category: Weekly Challenge

• Lisa
• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

LISA

Me Gusta

When my daughter did Spanish GCSE we started watching films in Spanish to help her get used to the language. I don’t speak Spanish so relied on Subtitles. For her A Levels we went a step further and changed the language on Netflix to Spanish… all of it. I mostly left her in charge of the remote control.

She’s just left for Manchester University, to study linguistics and Spanish. We forgot to change the telly back though. It’s OK although my Spanish hasn’t improved there’s pictures and symbols like home and thumbs up you know. Anyway I kinda like it.

RICHARD

Well-thumbed

Let’s have a big thumbs up for the opposable thumb!

That marvellous evolutionary miracle which has allowed us to create tools, develop the written word, and made using chopsticks so much less fiddly than it would otherwise have been.

Just imagine if evolution had decided to follow an entirely different direction?

What if we had no thumbs at all? Or, even worse, opposable toes?

We’d all be walking on our hands, eating meals with our feet, and sock design would have followed a wholly different path.

Thankfully it didn’t, because I’m not sure I’m ready for a foot-focussed society!

LIZZIE

Thumbs up to the guitar player and his song and his hair and his boots and his eyes, contacts, and… No, this doesn’t work. She stretched. The damn guitar was more interesting than everything else put together, and it wasn’t even a nice guitar. Why did she have to praise the guy and pretend the whole concert had been amazing? No. She was going to be honest, brutally honest if need be. She opened a new message. “Thumbs up to the guitar player and the song and the hair, wow! And the boots, nice!” She sighed. Yup. Perhaps next time.

SERENDIPIDY

How are you doing so far?

You see, I’ve been getting something of a bad press lately. A lot of talk about how they’ve found signs of torture when they discover the bodies.

Personally, I think they’re focussing on the wrong thing; after all, surely they should be more concerned about the killings?

However, I feel I have a duty to give the public what they want.

So, if you’re feeling OK, can you give me a thumbs up?

And, I’ll just go ahead and slip the thumbscrews on!

You will scream if I tighten them too much, won’t you?

NORVAL JOE

Sabrina rolled her eyes and gave Linoliamanda the thumbs up, and said, “Yeah. Sure. We all know that Billbert can fly. Now, tell us the real reason you followed him all the way to Eureka.”
Linoliamanda showed spunk Billbert had never seen before when she folded her arms, glared at Sabrina, and said, “I don’t have to tell you anything.”
Sabrina sniffed. “You do if you want to be anywhere near Billbert. My coven just devined that there is a plot to capture Billbert and use him for their devices. It’s convenient you suddenly show up at the same time.”

PLANET Z

Every time an Astros pitcher strikes out a batter, the gigantic Minute Maid Park scoreboard plays an animation of a cartoon astronaut planting a flag with the number of K’s.
And then something weird happens…
Falling into a wormhole.
Falling into a crater.
But after every horrible thing, he gives a thumbs up to show he’s okay.
When they first started showing the cartoon astronaut animations, he didn’t give a thumbs up afterwards.
But I guess it was too scary for kids, so they added the thumbs up to show he’s okay.
Still, he’s probably shit his space suit pants.

• Lisa
• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

LISA

The Hair and the Tortoise

I’ve got a three year old, it makes me not question anything… like yesterday I went into the bathroom and they’ve hacked their own hair off then glued it to the toilet seat next to our pet tortoise, Rex.

Anyway, I started trying to pick the hair off and predictably Rex slipped in. Toddler then runs over and pulls the flush. And Rex has gone, like completely GONE. I know I should’ve taken Rex off first, but I don’t like touching Rex. Didn’t like touching Rex. The hairy glue won’t come of the toilet seat either. Fuck my actual life.

An old postcard

LIZZIE

“Grab your passport and run.” Good advice from the boss.
When his underboss took me to the airplane, I looked unsure. I was the only passenger and I seemed frightened. He nodded. I grabbed my notepad and showed him my notes. “I’m just a journalist.” He nodded some more.
When he grabbed his gun, I smiled. He was confused. I clicked the button and the plane exploded, underboss included.
I’m not sure why I needed the passport, but who am I to question the boss. After all, whatever he decided was the speediest way of getting your life significantly shortened.

RICHARD

Edward

Edward wasn’t the speediest runner in the world. To be fair to him, tortoises aren’t generally regarded as sprinters, but that never stopped him from competing – he was stubborn like that.

Of course, people laughed at him, but he didn’t care, for him it was all about the taking part, not the winning.

Although, winning – now and again – would be nice.

Edward wasn’t nice.

Which is how he came to be grinding up drugs into the hare’s energy drink on race day.

Didn’t work though.

If you’re going to try doping your opponents, speed isn’t the best drug of choice!

SERENDIPIDY

The famous hangman, Albert Pierrepoint, was renowned for the rapidity with which he despatched his clients. The speedier the execution, the better the outcome; at least, that was his approach.

It’s not for me.

I want to see you dangling and choking, your body twitching, whilst your breath wheezes painfully as the noose slowly constricts.

Not for me, the quick snap of the neck, as you drop from the optimum height. Instead, I’ll haul you into position, your own body weight throttling the life from you as you’re eased up from the floor.

You’ll still die.

But, slowly and painfully.

NORVAL JOE

If Sabrina’s outright lie offended Linoliamanda, she didn’t show it, and rejoined Billbert and the witch, following them to class.
Uncomfortable with Sabrina’s deception, Billbert tried to lighten the situation by asking, “What are you doing in Eureka, Linoliamanda?”
She smiled. “Daddy wanted to open a new location of Carpet King.” In the speediest change of subject Billbert had ever seen, Linoliamnda continued, “Sabrina. You know Billbert can fly, don’t you?”
Sabrina shrugged. “I know when we touch our magic makes us levitate, but I wouldn’t call it flying.”
Linoliamanda shook her head. “It’s not magic. He can really fly.”

PLANET Z

The secret police are everywhere.
They are behind every door and every wall.
They are upstairs, listening to the floor.
They are downstairs, listening to the ceiling.
They are at every window, looking in and watching.
If you ask them if they are the secret police, they will deny it.
They will claim to be neighbors, deliverymen, plumbers, and pretty much everything but the secret police.
“I’m dressed as a policeman,” says one. “That’s silly, isn’t it, being the secret police and dressed like police?”
He’s right. It is silly.
And he nods and speaks into his cuff: “All clear.”

• Lisa
• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

LISA

An Evening at the Fair

I’d begged since January to go then shat myself the whole time I was there. Bright lights randomly pierced the darkness. Crowds jostled against the backdrop of laughter and shouting. We shot arrows, missed targets, yearned for those big bags of candyfloss, the oversized cuddly toys.

Susan Sanders walked by clutching a toy bear a whole head higher than herself. Her grin as she looked at us will stay with me forever. Pride mixed with disdain. The rumour at school the week after was that her Dad had spent millions trying to win it for her.

I started that rumour.

RICHARD

Geek

When I was in school, they told me computers were the way forward. So, I signed up for computer club, becoming one of the geeks that the bullies loved to pick on, and – of course – none of the girls wanted anything to do with me.

Throughout my miserable teens, I learned to code, becoming successful and making millions from developing software and business applications.

So now, I have the last laugh.

Now the girls fall over themselves, when I roll up to the club in my Ferrari.

As for the bullies?

I write viruses to clean out their bank accounts!

LIZZIE

Millions in the bank. She laughed, the fire pit crackling.
The safe. She had cracked it open so easily.
And the code. It was right there for her to grab.
She just walked out of the office and no one noticed.
Doing that boring secretary job for six months was worth it.
The new generation bought the code from her for a fortune. Smart kids. Nothing like their mobster fathers.
It was much better to be in the cottage than in that horrible office.
They were looking for her, of course. But money buys a lot of things, including silence.

SERENDIPIDY

Follow the high street as far as the convenience store, and park up when you get there. You’re not going to need the car from there because you’ll be going off-road.

Look for a gap in the fence, and go through, then follow the mud track for about half a mile. Eventually, the path will come to an end: Look for the arrow carved into the old oak, which will show you the way forward.

You’ll come to an old tin shack.

And that’s where you’ll find me. Waiting in the darkness.

But only, if I don’t find you, first.

NORVAL JOE

Linoliamanda held up the printout of her schedule. “My next class is in room 248.” She looked at Sabrina. “Can you tell me how to get there?”
Without batting an eye, Sabrina said, “Oh yeah. That’s in a portable building in the forest, north of the cafeteria. You kind of go offroad, following the arrow that points across the soccer field. You know you’re there after you wade through a swamp with millions of mosquitoes hovering over it.”
Linoliamanda smiled and headed toward the cafeteria.
“Wait,” Chuck called after her. “Don’t listen to her. Follow us. That’s our classroom, too.”

PLANET Z

The January Code consists of a series of arrows in the eight cardinal directions.
Dots, circles, and bars on the stems allow for multiple ranks of characters.
At first, it was a simple substitution cipher, but it was easy to decode and break.
Then came a new variant, where it was the difference in angle between adjoining arrows that represented the intended character.
The dots and bars spelled out another message in Morse Code.
By the time the enemy had figured out the message, we’d already have attacked.
If we could decipher the damned thing in a timely manner, too.

• Lisa
• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

LISA

The Smell of Onions

There was an air of excitement around the table. Don’t get me wrong, we were still quiet but hopeful and very hungry. We’d sat a while listening to the crash of pans escaping from the crack in the kitchen door, daring each other to ask Mum when it would be ready.

As the eldest it was left up to me and I didn’t know how to tell them it was another project. There was nothing cooking, she was boiling fabric with onion skins to dye it. I grabbed a packet of crackers, cheese and apples. Another Christmas we’d never forget.

RICHARD

Time Dilation

There’s a popular belief that time slows down in the moments before a crash.

You see events unfolding in slow motion, your whole life flashes before your eyes, and somehow you find time to wish you’d put on a decent pair of underpants that morning. All before you go crashing into the wall, or vehicle coming head-on towards you.

Such was the inspiration for Uncle Frank’s great invention: A device that maximised that slowing effect, giving you enough time to escape the inevitable, unscathed.

That worked perfectly.

It was the huge crash back to normal speed that killed you.

LIZZIE

The bikes were new. He sneered. He didn’t know about the upcoming crash. He didn’t know she’d made a decision. Which one should he ride first? Yes, this one. She had told him not to, but he wanted to ride those bikes. He didn’t care about her. In fact, her words sounded like a warning, the bitch. He never cared about anyone else. He always did what he wanted. When the time came for her to say a few words at the funeral, she sneered and said “Hope you had fun being who you were. Your ride is now over.”

SERENDIPIDY

As if from a distance, I heard the urgent shouts, “Code Blue. We need a crash cart in here!”

Then, people running, frantic activity, and -at the end of it all- the long, unwavering tone of the flatline, a piercing finality, bringing proceedings to their close.

“Time of death, Twelve forty two.”

Smiling, I smoothed my nurse’s uniform, discreetly exited the room and briskly walked down the corridor.

Another doorway beckons, another room, another patient.

I draw the syringe from my pocket and plunge it into their neck.

Then, I step back, hit the alarm, and wait for the action!

NORVAL JOE

Sabrina rolled her eyes impatiently. “Sure. I could cure your eyesight. But there are legal ramifications. Such as, if you got into a car crash after we cast a corrective spell, you could attempt to sue based on an expectation of wellness.”
Linoliamanda nodded thoughtfully but Billbert shook his head. “Are you serious?”
Sabrina shrugged. “No and yes. We don’t expect to be sued. We just say that to keep from helping people we don’t like.”
“Right,” Billbert said. “You just met Linoliamanda. How can you say you don’t like her?”
Sabrina sniffed. “She just rubs me the wrong way.”

PLANET Z

Humans are destroying the planet’s rainforests at an alarming pace.
Barely half the rainforests from twenty years ago are still standing.
Farmers and developers are cutting down the trees and plowing up the land.
The Rainforest Cafe exploied the crisis by letting people buy overpriced trinkets and food in Chuck-e-cheesey animatronic environments.
But the theme restaurant is waning, and barely half of them are still standing.
So, I’ve ripped off my Save the Rainforests bumpersticker, and replaced it with Save the Rainforest Cafes.
I smile as I fill the tank at the gas station, spilling a bit on the pavement.

• Lisa
• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

LISA

The Gift

It wasn’t just his horrific crimes. It was how prolific he was. The police were baffled. The same piercing blue eyes stared out from photofits on investigation boards all around the country.

It was in Burnley that a newly qualified DS noticed the latest victim’s Tiffany necklace. The first victim had one too. It was a huge breakthrough.

At the jewellers they discovered the same necklace had been sent to every victim. They had him. The invoice address led them to a contact lens warehouse where they found yet another necklace but with a note –

For you, DS Tunstall xx

RICHARD

Contact Lens

“Excuse me, you couldn’t possibly give me a hand by any chance?”

The woman had the face of an angel. It was love at first sight!

“You see, I’ve lost my contact lens, and I wondered if you had a moment to help me find it?”

My heart fluttered – there it was, the code phrase: ‘I’ve lost my contact lens’

Quickly I responded: “The Mexican has a big moustache!”

“What?”

I repeated myself, then asked her for the drugs.

She gave me an exasperated look, then gasped, “There it is!” Peeled the lens from her coat, and briskly walked away.

LIZZIE

“This is a contact lens.”
“Where’s the other one?”
He chuckled, burying his feet in the sand.
“Look.”
He held it close to his eye and the wind picked up and the waves became wild.
“What’s happening?”
“Want me to kill that bird?”
Before she could say no, the bird just dropped dead.
Horrified, she stood up.
“Where did you get that?”
“Aliens. I meet them every Sunday after church.”
“Aliens?! Dead birds?”
He smiled.
“I don’t know what else to do with it.”
“Rain, dude, make fucking rain. Useless aliens… Giving you, of all people, a… freaking contact lens.”

SERENDIPIDY

I have this great little trick I do with contact lenses, I soak them overnight in chilli oil then, once you’re suitably restrained, I pop them into your eyes.

It’s so much easier, and far less messy than pulling out your fingernails with pliers, and nowhere near as distasteful as clipping electrodes to your private parts.

Yet, for all its simplicity, it gets results, almost every time.

And, on the rare occasions it doesn’t work, I always keep a pair of pliers handy, just in case.

They’re not for your fingernails.

I’m going to use them to remove the lenses!

NORVAL JOE

Sabrina looked offended by Linoliamanda’s comment. “I don’t know how you can tell anything with eyes like yours. What’s wrong with you? Did you lose your contact lenses?”
Billbert was surprised and offended by Sabrina’s rude behavior and began to intervene on his old friend’s account. “Sabrina!”
Linoliamanda cut him off. “That’s okay, Billbert. It’s a family trait, on my father’s mother’s side. I should wear glasses, but I’m afraid I would look silly.”
Before Sabrina could make another cutting comment, Linoliamanda added, “Wait. You’re a witch. Don’t you have a spell you could cast to make my eyesight better?”

PLANET Z

Jamie liked to step outside, kneel down on the sidewalk, and pretend she’d lost a contact lens.
People would stop to help her, and eventually she’d stop and pretend to find it and put it in its case to wash later.
And she’d thank the people who’s helped her,, and if any of the guys sounded cute, she’d tell them her number to text her theirs.
She’d go back inside, and her roommate would look them up.
“This one’s cute,” she said.
“I’ll call him later,” Jamie said, picking up her cane and glasses. “Need anything from the store?”

• Lisa
• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

LISA

Bedtime

No one remembered when she’d stopped talking except her. It was easy to remember your ninth birthday. She’d got by silently since then with a series of mimes and a whiteboard she took everywhere with her.

She’d been prodded and poked by Doctors all over the country but they found no physical reason why. One had shouted ‘This needs to stop NOW’.

She didn’t eat much but had just started to feel a hunger. A waking need within. As her Dad sat on her bed to say goodnight she decided tomorrow would be the day that she actually told someone.

RICHARD

Mimes

I really don’t like them.

Ambushing you in the street, with their silly white faces, striped shirts and gloves, thinking they’re oh, so clever.

It starts with the old, stuck in a glass box illusion: Feeling their way around imaginary, invisible walls. Then we’re treated to the invisible tug of war, the non-existent bunch of balloons threatening to drag them off into the heavens, and then – if you’re really, really lucky – the impossibly heavy bag illusion.

And unbelievably, they have the temerity to rattle a collection box under your nose.

So, I always mime dropping a coin into the box!

LIZZIE

The Drunk Monk Tavern didn’t have a nice brew or even acceptable food but had the best mime contests. Mimes came from miles away to take a chance at winning the big prize. And what was the big prize? Lily. Lily was the daughter of a monk, according to her mother. And Lily desperately wanted to get away from her dishonorable past . The only problem was that she couldn’t stand men yapping on and on. She wanted a mime. Her mother agreed especially because they were running out of room in the backyard and the local authorities were getting suspicious.

SERENDIPIDY

She mimes that she’s hungry – she has to: The room is soundproofed and you can’t hear anything through the plate glass.

I’ve kept her prisoner in that room for nearly ten years now, and she’s become quite adept at communicating with me by miming. It’s probably just as well: I’d have been perfectly happy to leave her to starve to death and rot, but I figured if she’s going to make an effort, so should I.

Considering her condition, it’s surprising how elegant and eloquent her communication can be, almost beautiful.

She’s proof that art is the product of suffering.

NORVAL JOE

Before either Billbert or Linoliamanda could say more, their history teacher stood up. “Okay, class. Let’s have some silence as I take role.”
The two attempted to mime their questions and answers to one another, but mostly made the universal sign for, ‘I don’t understand’.
Billbert struggled to pay attention in the 45 minute class until he could voice his questions.
As they headed back out into the hallway, Billbert pointed to his friend and said, “Sabrina. This is a friend from my old junior high, Linoliamanda.”
Linoliamanda smiled vacantly and said, “You’re a witch, aren’t you. I can tell.”

PLANET Z

As much as people hate mimes, the truth is, they don’t hate all mimes.
Sports mascots with the big cartoon heads and don’t speak are actually a form of mime.
And, yes, they’re mimes. They’re not clowns.
The ones without big cartoon heads and are actual people, okay, they’re a mix of clown and cheerleader.
But the rubberheads, they’re mimes.
Mimes may use invisible props while mascots use actual props, but neither speak, and both express themselves with gestures.
So, yeah, people love some mimes.
But that creepy Burger King mascot?
Jesus, that guy is fucking creepy. No way, man.

• Lisa
• Richard
• Zackmann
• Lizzie
• Tura
• Serendipidy
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

LISA

Reasonable Grounds

Julian thought he was clever and had destroyed all the evidence in the taxi but the one thing he couldn’t hide was the glint of delight in his eye. His wife, Sally, had waited up for him and although she hadn’t seen that glint for a while, recognised it instantly.

So there were no secrets as the couple got into bed but Julian didn’t know that as he slipped into his contented slumber. Sally stared at the stranger she’d been married to for twenty years before deciding she wouldn’t divorce him. Then slowly pressed her pillow over his sleeping head.

RICHARD

…

LIZZIE

I remember this. Everyone used to find it amusing and mother found it particularly useful. The others laughed and giggled and sneered. And mother snickered, looking like a child about to be naughty.
No one ever said a thing. No one ever stepped in. Father was just too busy to even know. Or perhaps he had decided that it was best for him not to know. She used to hang it around my neck, the string emphasizing the humiliation. And I had to do the house chores with that sign on. It said “Bought and sold”. I do remember this.

SERENDIPIDY

One day, they’ll find this cassette tape, carefully protected in a sealed, waterproof bag, inside the pocket of the mouldering remains of the jacket you were wearing when you died.

It may be many years from now, but no matter when, or how your remains are finally unearthed, the contents of this tape will disclose your identity.

And mine. Along with – in the most intimate and visceral way possible – your final, painful moments of life, and your subsequent death and, of course, my confession. All recorded here for posterity.

I just hope, in the future, they remember how cassettes work!

ZACKMANN

I like owning things I paid for but not storing them. Books and DVDs are not so bad because if I have limited shelf space I can always donate them to The Friends of the Library whose sales many of them came from. Sadly they don’t take VHS nor audio cassettes anymore. Sure if I pay for something digitally it can disappear forever at any second because it is licensed not owned but at least my wife won’t complain that it is taking up to much room in our garage for her brother to move his stuff out of storage.

TURA

Remember; Own
———
I remember when you could own stuff. Yours, to do whatever you liked with. Youngsters today can’t even grasp the concept.

I remember famous people. Now everyone’s interchangeable cells, a mould on the planet, creeping everywhere and doing nothing that matters. Sure, they’re “happy” but you can’t have a conversation with them.

The future ended when we got smart enough to make life so easy that life wasn’t hard enough to keep us smart. And now that AIs do all the work, no-one ever needs to be smart again.

All success tends to failure, and this is the ultimate success.

NORVAL JOE

Billbert looked at the rain cloud above them. “Okay. I’ve learned my lesson. Could you shut off the water torture so we can dry off before class?”
Sabrina rolled her eyes and the rain stopped. “Just remember this the next time you doubt me.”
Billbert followed her into class and sat at his normal desk. A blond girl occupied the previously empty desk in front of him.
She turned to face him and her familiar myopic gaze lit up with recognition. “Billbert. What are you doing here?”
Astonished, Billbert said, “Gee Linoliamanda. That’s what I was going to ask you.”

PLANET Z

Long ago, we’d make our own cassette mixtapes.
Songs we’d harvest from the radio, from MTV.
From records and other mixtapes.
Or whatever we stole from the record store.
Then came CDs, and CD burners.
When MP3s came around, and iPods.
Pass around thumb drives of music, attach them to an email.
It’s so easy to share now, with Spotify and other services.
Just send a link, and everybody can listen along.
Then came memory scans, and you could pass a mixtape of how you feel.
And they share how they feel about you.
Really feel.
And they hang up.

• Lisa
• Richard
• Zackmann
• Lizzie
• Tura
• Serendipidy
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

LISA

Reasonable Grounds

Julian thought he was clever and had destroyed all the evidence in the taxi but the one thing he couldn’t hide was the glint of delight in his eye. His wife, Sally, had waited up for him and although she hadn’t seen that glint for a while, recognised it instantly.

So there were no secrets as the couple got into bed but Julian didn’t know that as he slipped into his contented slumber. Sally stared at the stranger she’d been married to for twenty years before deciding she wouldn’t divorce him. Then slowly pressed her pillow over his sleeping head.

LIZZIE

“No evidence,” repeated the impatient historian.
“But Professor…”
The historian stormed out.
Stubborn fuckers, he thought.
So, he went back to Japan to check the temple again.
“Doubting me… Unacceptable.”
After weeks of research, he found the small button in a dark corner.
Click. A whole new room opened up.
“Damn, they were right,” he whispered.
The historian quickly closed the secret room and pulled a chest over to hide the stupid button.
The next day, the button and his stubbornness were all over the news.
“They followed me…”
And this is how arrogance is the beginning of your downfall.

RICHARD

Evidence?

Maybe those ancient astronaut theorists are right? After all, it’s not beyond the bounds of possibility that our ancestors came from elsewhere.

The evidence, they say, in the books that they’ve written and the documentaries that are beamed into our living rooms is incontrovertible.

Ancient spaceships of the gods, or simply the remains of past civilisations?

Strange markings in the desert… Pre-historic runways, or perhaps the tracks of celestial vehicles? Who can really tell?

They’re certainly intriguing, but I’m not convinced.

The Moon has always been humanity’s home.

The very thought we may have come from elsewhere, is simply preposterous!

ZACKMANN

I miss Saturday morning cartoons and do feel one of the things that led to their demise is restrictions on advertisements for sugar coated sugar filled breakfast cereals.

It could be time to add monsters who eat healthier cereals to the likes of Count Chocula, Boo Berry, and Franken Berry.

The first new Saturday cartoon could be about a Corporate Knight, possibly named Bran Stoker using his guide the ChexCrowNommicon to find evidence of the new creatures.

Once I think of names to go with unsweetened shredded wheat and raisinless bran flakes I can send my pitch to General Mills.

SERENDIPIDY

It’s a well-established principle in law that, without a body, you’re going to have a hell of a job proving a murder.

In fact, without a body, lacking any other incriminating evidence, proving that any crime has taken place is going to be difficult.

After all, people go missing all the time.

It doesn’t have to be abduction, torture and murder, just because they aren’t anywhere to be found.

Although, in this case, it was.

But, that’s not a confession, just a statement of fact.

As for the body?

Well, I can neither confirm, nor deny, it was delicious!

TURA

P(A|B) = P(B|A) P(A) / P(B)
———
Now STUDENT was perplex’d, and asked GOODWILL, “How may I know the road to the Castle of Truth? For these philosophers wander in circles unending.”

Then GOODWILL answer’d, “Dost thou see this narrow way? It was cast up by Bayes and His apostles Jeffreys and Jaynes; and it is as straight as a rule can make it: this is the way that thou must go. Now FREQUENTIST hath said to thee, that there are many roads to that Castle; but one only proceedeth steadfastly toward it, though in his obstinacy he refus’d it, and that is the Way of Bayes.”
———-
A guide for the perplex’d can be found at https://arbital.com/p/bayes_rule/.

NORVAL JOE

Billbert closed his eyes and sighed. “Now you’re hurting my head. You’re just talking in circles. You say that magic doesn’t need to be learned or performed, but we still need to make contact to activate our magic each day. What evidence do you have that you even have magic?”
Sabrina looked up at the clear blue sky. When Billbert started to speak, she held up her hand. “Wait for it.”
First one raindrop landed on his hand, then another on his face, then a light rain shower sprinkled the two. A single black rain cloud had formed above them.

PLANET Z

My lawyer is on the aggressive side.
She logged the entire universe into evidence.
The whole damn universe.
The judge allowed it, and the bailiffs were stuck hauling the entire universe into the courtroom.
Police were tasked with bagging and tagging everything, cataloging it, and handing it to the bailiffs as my lawyer introduced every piece of the universe.
She explained how it fit into the case, and after five weeks, the judge declared a mistrial.
The state declined to retry me. I was let go.
“Next time you get a fucking parking ticket,” my lawyer said. “Don’t call me.”

• Lisa
• John
• Richard
• Lizzie
• Tura
• Serendipidy
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

LISA

A wet towel on the bathroom floor.

Honestly? I’m right at the end of my tether. I don’t know why but he’s been drawing circles in the sand. When I went out to hang his wet towel up he’s screaming at me ‘Don’t disturb my circles!’ It’s going to be the last thing he says.

And if one more person tells me I have to make allowances because he’s a highly intelligent man. No. Can a highly intelligent man pull his own bathplug out? Yes. Our Archimedes can’t. What the fuck’s he doing up there? He’s certainly not washing himself.

I mean it. Last thing he says.

JOHN

Creating Evidence

He found the photo cleaning out the house after his last surviving sister died. Five sour-faced kids, two glowering parents, and the family dog stared back at him from crinkled black and white. He took the photo to the senior center’s computer room and asked the young woman working there to scan it. Following his directions, she first erased the parents and then, one by one, his siblings. She was able to press a few buttons and slide her finger to create a smile on the boy’s face and move the dog to lean against his leg. Perfect, he thought.

RICHARD

Perpetual Motion

Grandpa was a little mad, but he did have interesting ideas.

Take his perpetual motion machine, for example – a sealed system, of a number of tanks, and a complex arrangement of Archimedes’ screw pumps, electro-magnetic impellers, dynamos and capacitors.

It worked by way of a gravity fed stream of water from a header tank, driving a dynamo, which generated a charge, stored in the capacitors, to power the impellers, driving the screws to pump the water back to the top.

It was crazy, but it worked.

Well, for three years.

Outlasting grandpa.

So, I guess, for him, it was perpetual.

LIZZIE

“Archimedes!”
Archimedes received an envelope in the mail for years. He opened that envelope to find it empty. But he kept all those envelopes, neatly organized by dates, in a shoe-box under the bed.
One day, a man arrived in town asking for him.
“Your instructions.”
He rushed to his room. He unfolded all the envelopes open and there it was. A map.
He followed the map and at the location, he found a box.
“Oh, my God! I’m filthy rich.”
Ah, his uncle, his only surviving relative, the trickster.
Good thing he hadn’t thrown any of the envelopes away!

TURA

Archimedes
———
It was me that gave Archie the idea. He’d discovered how to calculate the volume of a sphere, or a cone, or pretty much anything. Hiero heard about him, and challenged him to find the volume of his crown. He gave Archie a month… or else.

Archie forgets about ordinary stuff like bathing when he’s thinking. At last I tell him “You reek, Archie!”, and I drag him along to the public baths. I see him staring at the water and thinking, then suddenly he leaps out and runs off yelling “You reek! You reek!” and the rest is history.

SERENDIPIDY

I’m always on a mission to find new and interesting methods of shuffling people off their mortal coil, but it can be hard to innovate, when you’ve tried it all before.

There’s not really much choice outside the usual strangling, stabbing and shooting, and all those unusual and fun ways you see in the movies, can be a pain to set up, and are rarely successful.

I always fancied the toaster in the bath method, but the fuses always blow before you can do any damage.

Then I had my Archimedes moment – why not simply bypass the fuse-board?

Eureka!

NORVAL JOE

Billbert blinked his eyes and shook his head. “There’s no difference between magic and a superpower?”
“That’s right.”
Billbert scoffed. “I think there’s a big difference. With magic you cast spells, and wave your hands, and other mumbo jumbo. With a superpower, you just have it.”
Sabrina rolled her eyes. “That’s not what Archimedes said.”
Billbert frowned. “Archimedes? The ancient Greek mathematician?”
She sniffed. “Of course not. My uncle Archimedes. My uncle Archie was a real deep thinker, a philosopher mage. He said that true magic doesn’t need to be learned or performed. It should be natural to the witch.”

PLANET X

The Archimedes was a Class Seven Star Freighter.
Just a big hollow box with a jump engine attached to it.
The Shipping Consortium ran a circuit around The Gamma Rim.
Raw ore from one world, robots from another.
Grain, water, gold, diamonds, fusion bombs.
As long as they got paid and nobody pointed a gun at them.
So when a stray shipment of Rigel fusion bombs went off in Sirius-4’s orbit, the Consortium stopped coming.
Express smugglers happily took up the slack, bringing food.
And planning out where to plant the next round of fusion bombs to annoy the Consortium.

• Lisa
• Richard
• Lizzie
• Tura
• Serendipidy
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

LISA

Gambling lives.

Mum always said to have a packet with you. Scout camp she forgot my underwear but I’d got a pack of cards in my rucksack. She was right. Snap to Cribbage there was no age limits with a game of cards. I’d killed many hours with a clock of Patience cards.

Lately it’s not been playing to pass the time or a bit of fun. The stakes have got higher than the matchsticks at Nans. A bag of halfpennies turned to banknotes, a car, a house… to this.

I want this to be my last hand even if I win.

RICHARD

The deal

“Fifty thousand in used, unmarked bills up front, then another hundred thousand on completion. Do we have a deal?”

I looked around nervously. I was way out of my comfort zone, but I wasn’t calling the shots.

I nodded, fumbling with my inside pocket for the envelope, which I slid carefully across the table top.

The man in the sharp suit took the envelope and quickly sifted through the wad of cash.

Satisfied with its contents, he pocketed the envelope and produced the contract.

“Sign here, and my client will sign when it’s done.”

Weirdest house purchase I’ve ever made!

LIZZIE

Millions. To sell him for millions. He wanted the millions. He wanted the fancy cars, the huge house, the yacht. He wanted the girls, the jewelry, the paparazzi. He wanted the interviews, the autographs.
Then the millions came and everything else along with it.
It was fun, at first.
When that creep jumped over his fence and held him and his family hostage for half a day, demanding the release of another creep from jail, it wasn’t fun anymore.
He stopped playing football. He moved to the mountains to be free.
But he still kept the millions… just in case.

SERENDIPIDY

I have a deal with the River Styx ferryman – he lets me have first refusal on the bodies that come his way. Those with a decent amount of meat on them, I can have.

He gets to keep the coins, I get the body, and it saves him the effort of rowing across the river and back.

Everybody’s happy.

Well, almost everybody – I can’t say that the souls of the dead are particularly impressed, having to roam the shadows and never achieving peace.

Doesn’t bother me though. I’m tell them I’m a Buddhist, and it’s simply karma doing its thing!

TURA

Deal
———
I owe everything to my father’s advice. He’d asked me how much I was losing on poker. I hadn’t known he knew I played. Not serious money, and I put it down to learning. “It’s not the luck of the draw, it’s how you play the hands, right?” I said.

“Bullshit,” he said. “Control the deal, and nothing else matters.”

So I learned card sharping. Then I took up bigger games. Car dealerships. Construction. Politics. And now, President of the United States. And yes, people did buy used cars from me.

Make everyone play your game, and you’ll always win.

NORVAL JOE

Billbert and Sabrina got to their second period classroom. Before they went in, Billbert held up his hand. “Wait. Help me deal with this. You gave me the koala toy so these knights can’t see me. We make contact every day to keep our magic strong. To be absolutely honest with you, I don’t have magic. I have a super power. So, all your talk about magic is just a delusion.”
Sabrina closed her eyes and shook her head. “Do you know what the difference between a superpower and magic is?”
“No, what?” Billbert asked.
Sabrina smiled, “There isn’t one.”

PLANET Z

I made a deal with the Devil.
I mean, who wouldn’t?
If you could, you would, right?
The things you can ask for, the things you’ll get.
There’s always some kind of twist involved, I know.
But, damn, this was the best milkshake I’ve ever had.
And I said as such.
The Devil was… smiling.
Not that evil grin smiling, but genuinely pleased.
And happy.
“Everybody’s always asking for eternal life, power, women, that kind of stuff,” he said. “But nobody asks for my special handcrafted milkshakes.”
We tapped glassed together and at and watched the sunset over the water.