Category: Weekly Challenge

• Lisa
• Lizzie
• Richard
• Serendipidy
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

LISA

25th July 1976

I can still remember the day, I mean, I was contemplating faking my own death. I’d got chewy stuck in my hair. God knows how. I wasn’t even allowed Chewing Gum. To make things worse I’d bought it with the money for the church collection. I hadn’t gone to church. So God was after me as well as Mum and I knew my Mum would kill me. So I hid, frightened for hours. By seven I was starving so skulked home, Mum was relieved, said she thought I was dead.

She didn’t even notice the gum knotted in my hair.

LIZZIE

“I like it chewy.”
The man sitting by her side opened his eyes and sneered. “You have no teeth. How can you like it chewy?”
“I have teeth!”
“Yeah, OK, you have teeth.”
“Look.” The woman opened her mouth.
“What in the name of God is that?!”
She grinned as a set of four metal teeth slid down from inside the gum. “New thing.”
“That looks frightening.”
“But it’s very handy.” She grabbed the metal jar where a bunch of wooden spoons rested, and ripped a chunk out of it.
“Yes, handy, I bet. No more problems with cans, huh?”

RICHARD

Cordon Bleuggh!

“What do you think?” she asked as I speared a piece of something that might have been meat, and popped it into my mouth.

I gave her a look that could have been a smile or a grimace, “It doesn’t taste too bad, but it’s a little chewy.”

She looked disappointed.

“What is it?” I asked, then added, “Do I really want to know?”

“Shoe leather, and wood shavings” she muttered, then defiantly: “But I marinaded it for over a week!”

Manfully, I knuckled down to finish my meal.

My fault… I married her for her looks, not kitchen skills!

SERENDIPIDY

I’ve heard many objections to cannibalism.

Apparently, eating human flesh is morally wrong, bad for the health and a primitive custom with no place in modern society.

They also ask me why, if it tastes like chicken, don’t I simply eat chicken?

They’re wrong, of course… It tastes more like pork, and let’s be fair, everyone loves a bit of crispy bacon!

Although, I do have one objection of my own: People tend to be a bit chewy.

Then someone told me I should take the wrapper off first.

So, now I skin them, and they’re tender as can be!

NORVAL JOE

Billbert lay back in his bed with his phone to his ear. “Okay, Sabrina. If we have to meet, come by later this morning. Right now I’m going back to sleep.”
Before Billbert could power off the phone, Sabrina said, “Wait. I’m outside on the front porch right now?”
“Come back later,” Billbert growled, shut off the phone, and pulled his pillow over his head.
A moment later Billbert’s mother opened his bedroom door. “Billbert, dear. You have a visitor.”
Sabrina stepped into the room. “I brought you some left over caramel corn. It’s a bit chewy, but still tasty.”

PLANET Z

I like Rice Krispies Treats.
If you mix them right, they become chewy, and they flex and tear apart with the heat in your fingers.
If you mix them wrong, they’ll become solid bricks or brittle blocks.
Or mushy gooey blobs which stick to their wrappers.
You can try to bake them more, but they’ll become solid bricks.
Or burn.
What’s my secret? Why are mine always perfect?
I buy them prepackaged from Kellogg’s.
Then I unwrap them and put them out on the tray.
They’re so much better than those Chips Ahoy cookies you pass off as your own.

• Lisa
• Lizzie
• Richard
• Serendipidy
• Tom
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

LISA

Free

The hand painted sign outside said ‘Free Kittens’, an arrow pointed up towards a derelict looking house. Children passed by on their way to school and saw him standing upstairs, watching them through a broken pane. There were whispers and warnings in the town. Even if there really were kittens and everyone knew there weren’t, no one in their right mind would go in.

Except Lynn.

They found the body the next day hanging from a dressing gown belt. No one could know for sure if Lynn was anything to do with it. But no one mentioned seeing her visit.

LIZZIE

Bow and bow again. No end to the bowing. No end to not looking straight in his eyes. No soul. No tears. Just bow. Bow and scream inside, because you’re alive. You’re alive and he thinks you’re dead. He thinks you have lost your way. He thinks you are nobody. You belong to him. You’re dead. So, bow. Stretch your arms defiantly and bow, again and again until he understands. It’s no longer submission. It’s preparation. It’s knowing. It’s getting ready to jump and run. And when he finally figures it all out, yes… by then, you’ll be long gone.

RICHARD

Nothing

Nothing in life is free, apparently.

I decided to put it to the test.

I searched for ‘nothing’ on Amazon, but without success; so I tried Ebay, Etsy and those sites purporting to sell specialist items you can’t buy anywhere else.

But none of them had nothing on sale.

I took a trip to the nearest out of town shopping complex. In every store, they’d ask, “What are you looking for, Sir?”, “Nothing” I’d respond, and they’d walk away, shaking their heads.

I can’t confirm that nothing in life is free.

I can’t find any of the damn stuff!

SERENDIPIDY

I was feeling an urge to find inner peace and be at one with the universe, so I joined a new age retreat.

Free your mind’, they told me.

Easier said, than done.

But then I got the hang of it, and soon I could free my mind at will.

But I went too far.

My mind, once free, began to unravel and escape from the confines of my own consciousness. It grew in strength and power, reaching out to touch the minds of those around me.

And now, we’re all free.

A bunch of completely mindless, gibbering, happy idiots.

TOM

What Could Go Possibly Wrong 034
The Captain walked over to John. All eyes were transfixed on Red.
“Better set me free mate,” said the man with multiple pint glass lumps
on his head. “We will be playing nicely?” “I’ll bide my time.” The
Captain remove a dirk and cut the bounds. He rose slowly causing Ford to
swing toward the pair. John nodded wickedly. Ford just shook his head.
He and Arnesto made their way to the gangway. They had a good idea
Bender had some connection to John. Parker half way on the gangway saw
Captain and John on the move. Not good he thought.

NORVAL JOE

Saturday morning at 8:30, Billbert’s phone rang. He had thought he would have the chance to sleep in after the late night at the weather witch’s gathering. Through bleary eyes he checked caller ID. “Sabrina,” he groaned letting it go to voicemail.
A minute later, it rang again.
“Hello?” he croaked.
“Hi Billbert.” She sounded way too cheerful. “I can come by to make contact, if you’re free.”
He sighed. “I’m not free, but I am cheap.”
Sabrina sounded sufficiently confused. “What?”
“Sorry. It’s my dad’s joke. Can’t this wait until Monday at school?”
“No, silly. Daily means every day.”

PLANET Z

Sure, Lincoln freed the slaves, but did he?
Was Washington Jackson free?
He still worked on the plantation he worked on as a slave, but he was now leasing the land as a sharecropper.
He didn’t know how to read, so he couldn’t pass the test to vote.
Not that he could pay the tax.
If he went into town, he could be arrested as a vagrant and sent to a work camp to “work off his sentence.”
Where he could be whipped and even killed without consequence.
No, he wasn’t free.
And his son… and grandson wouldn’t be, either.

• Lisa
• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Tom
• Tura
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

LISA

A new business venture…

There were sixteen tubs of vanilla ice-cream melting on the kitchen worktop and there was no room to butter my toast.

“Can you check the traps again? I just need four more…” He shouted as he pulled another roasting tray from the oven.

I exhaled slowly, choosing my words really carefully. “Could we chat later? I really need to get to work and I’m not sure Mice Cream is the answer you hope it’ll be”

He replied dropping the roasted mice in the blender with ice cream “Pet food is big money.”

Our own cats were nowhere to be seen.

RICHARD

Mice cream

They said it would never work.

It didn’t matter that we’d scientific proof that pulverised mice, mixed with a specific quantity of other, ingredients – which for the time being, will remain a commercial secret – would produce a creamy, pink lotion, which when applied to the skin could significantly reduce the signs of aging.

The difficulty, of course, lay in the marketing. Nobody could bring themselves to try mice cream.

So, we went back to the drawing board, renamed it butyliceric-isomer amino-propylate, and tried again.

It sold like hot cakes, and we made a killing.

It tastes great in sandwiches too!

LIZZIE

“Mice? No, no. Forget about that.”
The man stood at the entrance. He hesitated. The smell was obnoxious but the hunger… oh, the hunger.
“With carrots. A carrot creamy soup. Much better than with mice.”
Someone murmured in agreement.
He ventured inside. Two men were skinning mice. It was disgusting.
“Add some spices. Oh, yes? Are you hungry, my friend?”
He didn’t know anymore.
“Have some soup.” The man smiled.
His stomach growled, so he did. It was not that bad.
In the bowl, he found a large chunk of bone.
“Mice?”
The men looked at each other and sneered.

SERENDIPIDY

Hickory dickory dock, those mice are driving me mad, around the clock.

The whole house is infested with the vermin, and nothing I’ve tried so far is doing the trick.

They avoid the traps, seem to be completely immune to poison, and they’ve driven the cat away.

So, now it’s just me and the mice.

Well, not strictly just me. There’s also an opened bottle of Jack Daniels at my side, next to which lies my favourite semi-automatic pistol.

I swallow a mouthful of Jack, before taking aim, quietly muttering, as I pull the trigger:

“Hickory, dickory… Glock!”

Mice cream!

TOM

What Could Go Possibly Wrong 032

From the weathered landing Bender gave Ford a knowing look. Ford maintained steely contact with the raven-haired man. There was no varnishing over the fact the only explanation for his presence was at the pleasure of her royal personage. “Preventative Maintenance,” whispered Arnesto,” let it go brother.” He’d let it go years ago take the path of the scholar. All the same when you are staring into the eye for reason for that course change, it doesn’t blunt the blow. “Say it Fort,” prompted Cervantes. Ford drew breath and raise his voice in respected.” Salutations to the 2nd Time lord. “

What Could Go Possibly Wrong 033

When Molly had made her way into the hack of the ship, she saw the strangest emblem on the surface of the inner hull. A gray rodent lapping at a bowl of what appeared to be snow white diary. “Mice Cream,” she laughed. As always, your humble narrator is at your ready to fill in the fine points of the author internal thought process. Mice is M I C E Masters In the Court of Elizabeth. You may ask who and what, but I would council let the pose led you to that knowledge. But, maybe a hint, not good.

TURA

Contact; Explanation
———
From the Laboratory Manager:

I’ve found some very old bottles containing transgenic ichneumon larvae and preserved monstrous embryos of unrecorded provenance in the cleaners’ cupboard on floor 15 of the West Tower. I believe most of this belonged to Amelia Brackett, who left us twenty years ago. It’s almost certainly beyond use and unrelatable to any extant project. There are other names on some items— let me know if you think the materials might be yours.

I will destroy this material according to standard practice unless the owner contacts me immediately. The Aurors may assist in obtaining a full explanation.
———

Mice cream
———
There are always mice in here. Me, I’d just shut the place down for a couple of days and get fumigators in. But no, the owners can’t bear killing the poor wee things, although they don’t seem to have a problem operating a dairy processing plant. Anyway, my job’s to put out humane traps, and release the mice into a field. I can’t be arsed with that. I brought in an industrial blender, and just to spite them, how d’you think I get rid of the liquidised mice? People rave about the meaty flavour of our butter and double cream.

NORVAL JOE

Sabrina held Billbert’s hand as they continued through the forest. The night was so silent that when Billbert’s stomach growled Sabrina heard it and commented, “Oh. I’m sorry. We left before you could have some of the refreshments. We could stop and get something on the way home.”
Billbert considered. “We could stop at Baskin Robins and get some ice cream.”
“Mice cream?” Sabrina asked.
Billbert laughed and asked, “They do?”
Sabrina blinked, “Do what?”
“Scream.”
“Who?”
“The mice.”
“What mice?”
Billbert could see that any humor from his original joke was long lost, so he gave up. “Never mind.”

PLANET Z

Up on the Olympic Peninsula, where lavender farms grow and the locals hold an annual lavender festival, I remember there being an ice cream stand with all kinds of flavors of ice cream.
Lavender ice cream was popular, for certain, but they had all kinds of unusual homegrown flavors.
There were a lot of marijuana grow farms out there, so marijuana-infused ice cream was also popular.
The employees were always mixing up the marijuana-infused flavors and the regular flavors.
Once, a mouse fell into the mixer.
It was a marijuana-infused variety.
“It’s a little crunchy,” said the perpetually-stoned store owner.

• Lisa
• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

LISA

Writing a thriller

It was remote, like really remote. But I’d felt I had to get away – the nearest neighbour was probably about ten minutes away by car and I didn’t drive. There was no one to hear you scream, you know? The weather got pretty scary out there too. It was awful really there he was in a thunderstorm up a ladder doing preventative maintenance (his words) while I was inside by the fire with a glass of wine. Honestly? I was just waiting for the rungs I’d sawn through yesterday to give way so I could enjoy my isolated writers retreat.

LIZZIE

“The landing was scheduled for eleven. What’s going on?”
The voice on the phone stumbled.
“I don’t care. Where are they?”
Some problem…
“Are they coming or not?”
Silence.
“If they aren’t coming, I need to dispose of these samples. You know how human samples deteriorate quickly and the fridge you left here is crap.”
A chuckle.
“Oh, funny, is it? You won’t find it so amusing when it’s your turn to do a tour here on Earth and have your crappy fridge stuffed with beers just because you don’t want them to think you’re an alien, which you are!”

RICHARD

Varnish

It’s all about preventative maintenance: The old ‘stitch in time saves nine’ philosophy.

That’s why I’ve spent the last ten years varnishing all my external woodwork, to protect against the worst of the weather.

Fences, decking, doors and windows have all received the treatment, and after all this time, it had better be worth it.

I never expected it to take quite as long as it did, but then again, I’ve no idea why the varnish comes in such tiny bottles.

The wife always buys it for me… She gets it from the same place she buys her make-up, apparently.

SERENDIPIDY

If you look out of the window at midnight, you’ll see them landing.

They’ll exit their spaceship and make their way slowly to the house, and – as always – I’ll be here waiting for them.

They’ll stare at me, from those dark, alien eyes, set in those grey, pallid faces, and then motion for me to follow them back to their craft.

Once inside, they’ll strip me, strap me to a cold metal table, and then…

And then, they’ll produce the anal probe.

Who could have possibly known that first contact would be quite so unsettling?

And yet, so much fun!

NORVAL JOE

Billbert charged away into the darkness. Sabrina ran to catch up to him and took hold of his hand.
“Slow down, Billbert. I’m trying to give you an explanation.”
He considered her hand in his. It felt warm. Warmer than his own, but he didn’t want to let go.
“Okay,” he said. “Explain what weather witches are and why I need to make daily contact with you. That doesn’t mean kissing, does it?”
Sabrina giggled. “Weather witches need to be polarized to be most effective. Therefore, we need daily contact with our counterparts. Kissing is a nice way to contact.”

PLANET Z

The landing areas were all far from the base.
So if a ship blew a landing, it wouldn’t damage the base with its wreckage.
Or if there was a problem with fuel tanks, the tunnel airlocks could cut off oxygen from the explosions.
Sure, it took a while to get cargo and people to and from the landing areas, but after one particularly nasty accident, the base design proved itself worthy.
Instead of killing thousands of workers and researchers and damaging priceless equipment, the company just had to string out a few replacement fuel lines and gather up the scrap.

• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Tom
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

RICHARD

Too much

I’m all for the older generation living life to the full.

For example, I don’t have a problem with silver surfers, the internet kind or those that go out to catch a wave and show the young ‘uns how it’s done.

But sometimes there’s a line that has to be drawn.

I went to the old folk’s home yesterday to visit grandma, and they were having a ‘night of entertainment’

There she was, up on the stage, gyrating to Miley Cyrus, dressed only in a bikini and her colostomy bag.

Then she whipped off the bikini!

Too much… Too bare!

LIZZIE

It was just too much. Pack your bags, quickly. And this urgency… This overwhelming fear… How can we choose which parts of our lives are salvageable? Photos, documents, diaries, books? Books? Which ones, because they are so heavy… Just one. Choose one, quickly. And we don’t know which one to choose. I chose “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly”. It’s small and oh, so big. And we took some seeds. Seeds are light. We need seeds to start over. The bags were placed at the door, side by side with the million steps that would take us away, for now.

SERENDIPIDY

Kids today!

A bunch of entitled, spoiled snowflakes, the lot of them!

Mark my words, we’re breeding a generation of spineless, whiners, with a chip on their shoulder and absolutely no character.

And how has this come about?

Well, you know the expression, ‘spare the rod and spoil the child’? Now we’re living with the consequences.

As a youngster, when I misbehaved I got the strap, the cane or the belt.

And, when all that got too much to bear, I turned the tables, and it was my parents turn for a beating.

And it never did me any harm!

TOM

What Could Go Possibly Wrong 030

From the breaching Leviathan deck descended a slimy gangway. “That’L be a slippery slope to hell that be,” said Molly. “That will be our ridge,” replied Ford. “When hell freezes over, deary” The captain tossed her a crown. In two beat she was halfway up the gangway. “You know the red head, Arnesto?” inquired Ford. “So do you, Ford, or will, wait did.” “I thnik I would have remembered a woman like that.” Red turn toward Ford and removed her Ray Ban. “Hello, Titus.” she called. Ford froze in place felled my a memory of ancient force. “Constance Emerbee.” screamed Ford.

What Could Go Possibly Wrong 031

It was almost Too much to bear concerned Ford. He’d been so much in love. She had been so ever chasing rainbows and unicorns. Actually, found one, but that’s another story. Ford had lost track of her over a decade ago. Was Africa or Asia, did it really matter, might have well been the moon. Which is actually another story also. He turned to Arnesto,” Did you know this was going to happen?” he asked. “No, Ford. I thought it was going to be him.” A tall hooded figure appeared next to Red. He flipped his hood. It was Bender.

NORVAL JOE

Gracilda grabbed Billbert. “Wait. Don’t go. I must explain the responsibilities you will have with the weather witches as you advance in power and competence.”
Sabrina nodded at him, her eyes wide and hopeful.
“Responsibilities, power, competence?” Billbert griped. “I didn’t ask for any of this. It’s too much for a kid to bear. Besides. This isn’t magic. It’s my superpower.”
Gracilda scoffed. “I know magic when I see it. For your magic, and Sabrina’s, to advance you must maintain daily contact.”
Billbert just wanted to leave. “Whatever. I’ll talk to her, but I’m not going to kiss her everyday.”

PLANET Z

Yeah, we argued a lot.
But she was stubborn.
I swear, I didn’t mean to kill her.
She told me to sit down, and she sat in front of me.
Then she tugged on my boot, trying to pull it off.
After that, well, I don’t remember.
But she was lying on the ground, her head had hit something, and there was a boot print in her face.
I swear I didn’t mean it.
But it happened.
Do I remember anything else?
Yes. I remember saying one thing: “Shouldn’t you use that bootjack over there?”
But she was so stubborn.

• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Tura
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

RICHARD

Slippery when wet

When people talk about being on the slippery slope, they’re generally only thinking that it’s a downward slope; but that’s just daft, because slopes – like stairs and spirals – go both ways, and it’s often the upward slope that’s the more treacherous!

Take the slope outside my house, for example: It’s just a short, grassy slope, and not particularly steep, but – lazy bugger that I am – it’s just too much trouble to walk the short distance to the steps.

But, after a couple of days of rain, it’s as slippery as hell: And it’s amazing how quickly, up suddenly, becomes down!

LIZZIE

I thought it was risky, but they said “this way”. And we all went “this way”. The problem with blindly following what others say is that we often end up in rather complicated situations. In my defense, there was a sign that clearly said “This Way”. And usually, signs are supposed to be reliable. This time, this particular sign wasn’t. And off we went, blissfully unaware. When we reached the end of the tunnel, they pushed us into the pit. And we had to decide whether to take the blue pill or the red… Wait a second… Alice?! Rewind. Rewind!

SERENDIPIDY

I started on the slippery slope to depravity when I was pretty young.

I was, what can be described as a ‘problem child’; then, they called me ‘disturbed’; ‘wicked’ and eventually, ‘an extremely dangerous individual’.

And all that, before I’d left my teens.

Since then, the slope has taken me ever deeper, slipping and sliding into the fetid mire of moral corruption. And I’ll be frank… I’ve loved every moment.

Eventually, I suppose, that slope will even out and, in time, maybe I’ll reach the bottom: The very depth of human corruptibility.

But, I’m not there yet.

I’m still sliding!

TURA

Slippery slope
———
My father’s heavy hand stopped me as I was going out, one December evening. “Gaein’ doon the big toun, laddie?” he said in his dour Calvinistic way. “That’s a gie slippery slope ye’re set on.”

“Come on, Dad,” I protested, “I’m just seein’ a few friends, ye’ve met most o’ them when we’ve had oor D’n’D sessions up here.”

“Aye, I reckon maybe they’re awright”— this was high praise from him— “but mind yon slippery slope, or Deil tak ye.”

I stepped outside and fell flat on my back on the packed snow.

“Like ah wiz tellin’ ye,” he said.

NORVAL JOE

Hovering near the ceiling, Sabrina opened her eyes and gasped. Billbert lowered them gently to the floor.
Gracilda was ecstatic, jumping up and down. “See? I said the two of you together would have special magical powers.”
Billbert rolled his eyes. “Yeah. This has never happened before.”
The old witch missed his sarcasm. “Yes. Now. You must be careful. Heading down the path of magic, unguided, one can easily slip out of control.”
Billbert shook his head. “I’m going home.”
Sabrina took his arm. “I’ll show you the way. You don’t want to get lost and slide into a ravine.”

PLANET Z

I used to work at a company with a double-deck parking lot.
And the ramps at either end of the upper parking lot were steep.
It was hard to drive up the slope, especially when it rained.
And on the rare days during the winter when it got below freezing, it was impossible to drive up at all.
I didn’t have a parking pass for the lower deck, and they never gave me the code.
So, I parked along the street.
Then I’d try to climb the steps.
Holding the rail and taking each step as slow as I could.

• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Tom
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

RICHARD

Just Fine

At first, everything seemed just fine. We breathed a sigh of relief, grateful that disaster, at least this time, had been averted.

That is, until our hair began falling out.

Then, the blistered skin, weeping sores and shortness of breath. It was then only a matter of time before the agony, the fever and eventually death.

They’d lied to us.

The reactor core had not been made safe.

Everything was certainly not fine.

And there was nothing we could do about it.

And neither can you.

Except to say your goodbyes, prepare as best you can, lie down, and wait.

LIZZIE

“What have you done?”
My sister shrugged.
“But your hair…”
She smiled and shrugged again.
“Is something wrong?”
She shook her head and mumbled something about a sign.
“What sign?”
She was moving on, away from vanity.
Being a shampoo model had been very profitable for her.
“What about your job?”
She looked at me.
“No, no no.”

My hair is now long enough for me to take her old job. I’ll get my own place and I’ll be filthy rich. Life is a lot simpler than we think. It just takes a bit longer when we’re talking about hair.

SERENDIPIDY

Mother always used to love it when I brushed her hair. She would sit with me on the sofa, eyes closed, whilst I eased the tangles and knots gently from her long, flowing, locks.

And then we would talk, long into the night, at peace with each other and the world.

Mother died some years back now, and how I miss those conversations.

But, every now and then, I still sit with her on the sofa, her body leaning against mine, whilst I brush her hair, just as I used to when she was alive.

She’d have wanted it so.

TOM

What Could Go Possibly Wrong 029

What first appeared as an aquatic bio-mass on longer inspection turned out to be seriously reenforced steel with an ample attached aquatic bio-mass. This was further confirmed by an ever widening hatch. To the company this was not very reassuring and the slow advance of Cervantes drove home a done breath yet vib, expect for John. A woman poked her head out. A shock of red hair and understate Ray Ban. With a lazy index finger she raised the lens. She tosed her hair in a Veronica Lake move and said the following “Charlemagne’s ukulele. “Sweet and low,” replied Arnesto

NORVAL JOE

“Romance?” Billbert asked.
Sabrina grabbed him by his jacket and pulled him toward her. “Yeah. Romance.” She shook back her hair, closed her eyes and puckered her lips.
Gracilda poked Billbert in the back. “Go on, boy. Kiss her.”
Billbert looked around the room and saw that Sabrina was the only one with her eyes closed. All others were on him.
He figured he couldn’t leave until he did what they said and put his hands on Sabrina’s waist. He bent forward and kissed her.
A collective gasp filled the room just before Billbert’s head bumped lightly against the ceiling.

PLANET Z

Charlie never grew any hair.
He had some kind of condition, and we teased him about it.
Charlie didn’t care at all.
Heck, sometimes, he’d joke about it.
Putting on thick black fake eyebrows and a thick black mustache.
And a wild and crazy rainbow wig.
He looked like some kind of crazy Muppet thing.
And he’d talk in a high squeaky voice.
It was funny as hell.
Until he’d show up in your room at 2 in the morning.
Holding a razor to your throat.
“Shave and a haircut, two bits,” he whispered.
We never teased Charlie ever again.

Thank you to everyone for your patience during the migration of this podcast to a new hosting provider.

• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Tom
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

RICHARD

Late

I’ve just come out from an all-company meeting with the new boss, where he laid down the ground rules he expects everyone to follow.

In particular, he was keen to stress his uncompromising stance on punctuality. “I expect you to be on time: I don’t tolerate anything less. If you’re a minute late, you may as well not turn up at all!”

That went down like a lead balloon!

Shows how little he knows us though… This lot will follow his rules to the letter. And, they’re always late.

Let’s see how he feels after a week without staff!

LIZZIE

The books on the shelf stared at him sternly.
Feeble. Uncompromising. Late.
The titles suggested a series of events that could easily be totally uninteresting or a complete disaster. Being such a positive person, he thought they were a sign that something dreadful was about to happen.
When a car exploded outside (certainly because of some lunatic defending lunatic ideas), he grabbed the three books and ran, hoping to save himself. He was about to burn them when they arrested him. “Subversive, subversive” they shouted.
While they dragged him away, he pondered about the different meanings of the word “late”.

SERENDIPIDY

“Are we there yet?”

You whimper, terrified eyes darting around the room, body twisting and straining against your bonds.

“No”, I continue, slowly and deliberately sharpening my knife, “we’ve still a long way to go.”

I must say, you impressed me greatly; I don’t think anyone has lasted as long as you, and – believe me – I was giving it my all.

And so were you.

However, all good things must come to an end.

And eventually, bruised, bloodied and broken, you too, come to an end.

As you draw your final, feeble breath, I lean close and whisper…

“We’ve arrived.”

TOM

What Could Go Possibly Wrong 028

Despite be bound from behind, the man at Parker’s feet executed a move that put him in an Uncompromising position. It would have turned the advantage to the capture, but a second roll of the earth dumped Molly on top of him in yet another Uncompromising position. Feeble he called out to the Captain who promptly yell “Give it up john. Will sort this out later, after we sort out the Leviathan. “What?” queried Ford. The ground broke and a larger eye bore down on the tiny company. “No one take a step,” calmly said Cervantes reaching into a vest pocket.

NORVAL JOE

Billbert scratched his head. “When you say, become a couple, are you saying we need to be a boyfriend girlfriend type couple?”
The old witch smiled at Sabrina and then turned her eyes back on Billbert. “It’s clear you already have a flowering teenage romance. We’re just encouraging that to grow a little more rapidly.”
A feeble old man tottered up to the witch. “It’s getting late, Gracilda. We should let these kids get home.”
Gracilda nodded to the man, but spoke to Billbert. “You have matching rings now, so you’re a couple, officially. But, a little romance won’t hurt.”

PLANET Z

I usually start my day with a banana and peanut butter.
Getting the peanut butter on the banana is the hard part.
I used to peel it then slice it, but it would break apart easily.
That’s when I’d cut off the end and slice it in the peel, then peel it.
It broke apart less easily and often.
Then I put on the peanut butter, stick the two halves together, and there’s breakfast.
Even if it does break apart, well, more pieces, right?
And the peanut butter still glues it together for the minute or so it needs that.

• Richard
• Lizzie
• Tura
• Serendipidy
• Tom
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

RUCHARD

100 Words

I’ve never really worked out how to be a success as a writer, because it seems to me there are two options to choose from.

You either avoid the obvious, clichéd tropes, attempt something new and ground-breaking and hope there are people out there, bored of the same old themes and stories, who’ll give you a shot.

Alternatively, you can play it safe: Every story a cliché, every ending a happy one, sticking with the tried and tested formulae, in the hope that there’s still space on the market for you.

Or you could, just write wistful, hundred-word stories!

LIZZIE

“A perfect storm,” he said.
I replied “what comes around goes around”.
He nodded. “If walls could talk…”
“Yup, but sometimes ignorance is bliss.”
He nodded again.
There was a moment of silence while we looked at the sea.
“We must think outside the box.”
I replied, “but we must be careful not to open a can of worms.”
“True. Oh, well. It doesn’t matter anymore. He’s dead as a doornail.”
I smiled. “Good things come to those who wait.”
“And we did wait a long time,” he said.
“We did. My finger was freezing,” I replied, holding the gun.

TURA

Cliché
———
The Archeologist read out his translation of a clay tablet that the Explorer had retrieved from the ruins of an ancient palace.

“It’s a proclamation from the Emperor’s First Minister, about the invasion that within a few years would destroy the empire. It says, ‘To all that it may concern. The Emperor is taking all appropriate measures to deal with the current situation, and anticipates a favourable resolution of the matter in the near future.’”

“Is that all?” said the Explorer disgustedly.

“He was a politician,” replied the Archaeologist. “In five thousand years, did they ever not speak in clichés?”

SERENDIPIDY

Just because I’m not a cliché doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be afraid.

Because, if you think about it, to be a trendy, teenage vampire, with lots of friends, a sense of fun and pretty mean baseball skills is far better cover than lurking in the shadows, sleeping in coffins and displaying an unhealthy interest in all things gothic.

Let’s face it, that sort of behaviour just screams, ‘vampire’, and is going to invite all sorts of unwanted attention and the distinct possibility of waking up to find someone looming over you with a wooden stake.

So, be afraid…

Very afraid!

TOM

What Could GO Possibly Wrong 027

“What goes around comes around,” quipped Parker. “Not that witty, mate,” fired the Captain,” perhaps one less cliché is in order.” “Is that some sort of French chocolate?” ask Molly coated in power. “Round my dear, not ground.” stated Arnesto. Well as gods of time and space would have, it the ground did move (forgive yet another cliché ) “Something has gone to ground, “ said Ford. It was still a moment, then all hell broke loose. No one keep their footing. “Oh no not again,” droned the Captain. “Not if I can’t help it,” said a voice below Parker’s feet.

NORVAL JOE

The old woman ushered them to a corner while the rest of the young people enjoyed Sabrina’s caramel corn and other goodies.
Billbert folded his arms defiantly. “I didn’t want any of your snacks, anyway. They probably have ingredients like eye of newt, or wing of gnat.”
The witch rolled her eyes. “Don’t be cliche. If you understood what magic really is, you would recognize, as I have, that the two of you are the only ones with real power.”
“Sabrina has real magical power?” he asked.
“Yes,” the witch said. “This is why you two must become a couple.”

PLANET Z

Benny Baker is only spoken of in hushed whispers.
His file was taken from the school under armed guard and brought to the district office.
Nobody’s allowed to see it.
And when it was time to computerize all of the district’s records, Benny’s file was kept on paper.
If you search for it, all you’ll get is RESTRICTED.
There was a group of kids who tried to break into the district office to find Benny’s file.
They were never seen again.
So, what about Benny?
He’s buried in the school yard.
With all the other pet hamsters from the kindergarten.

• Lizzie
• Tura
• Richard
• Serendipidy
• Tom
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

RICHARD

Brownie Mix

He stared at me coldly across the table, then tapped the bag full of powder that sat between us.

“What is it?” He asked, eyes boring into me.

“Brownie mix”, I replied, with just the briefest hesitation.

“Yeah, right… And I’m the queen of England!” He snorted; “You do realise I can just go out back and test it?”

“So, test it” I retorted.

He sighed, grabbed the bag and left the room. Ten minutes later, he was back.

“Brownie mix! You’re free to go”

I left smiling, thankful he’d not discovered the bag of heroin stuffed up my arse.

LIZZIE

When the neighbor started digging holes in his garden at two in the morning, I thought I should do something about it. I took a spade and trotted across his garden. It was a body missing a finger… I put it back in the ground. Should I call the police? I had committed a crime too, trespassing on his property. When he knocked at my door the next day, I froze. He smiled. “Here, have some brownies. It’s my own brownie mix recipe. I add a pinch of this and a pinch of that.” I sure didn’t like his sneer…

SERENDIPIDY

I always said I’d have revenge, even if I went to the grave in the process.

Which is pretty much how it’s worked out, but I had it my way in the end.

I know you were there, laughing behind the fake tears at my funeral; I know the sly smiles that passed among you, mockingly toasting my departure.

I know you thought you’d beaten me, and that my threats of revenge had come to nothing.

And I know you stuffed yourselves on those brownies at my wake.

My own special mix…

Well, my ashes had to be scattered somewhere!

TOM

What Could Go Possibly Wrong 026

Ford raised the pint to eyes and hand the glass to Arnesto. The time lord opened a padded case with form insert the same shape as the duck pint. Closing it he scrabbled the combination lock. Ford eyed the time lord, but could not glean any content. “I will get answer sir.” dryly stated Ford. “Why do I feel so hunger,” said Parker. “Time Riff, Parker. Arnesto you did bring so food, yes?” Smiling he reached in the bag and produced a box of Brownie Mix. Molly grabbed the box and rip it open. Power flew everywhere. “Great start Cervante.”

NORVAL JOE

Still contemplating the ring on his finger, Billbert followed the others into the cottage. Sabrina’s caramel corn and a variety of snacks were spread out on a table.
One distraught boy held a box of brownie mix. “I thought we were going to make the refreshments here.”
A rotund woman took him by the elbow. “Don’t worry, Knockworth, we have time, and eggs.”
Billbert held up his hand in front of Sabrina’s face. “How did this get here?”
Sabrina smiled, but before she could reply, the elderly witch took them aside. “Good. It’s you two I want to speak with.”

TURA

Brownie mix
———
There are two sorts of people: orcs, and food. Considering the variety of peoples in the world, it is no surprise that Orkish cuisine is far more diverse and sophisticated than you would know from Tolkien’s biased account.

All cultures have some sort of stew, but a stew of boggart bellies is the best of all, especially when cut from a live boggart and simmered in a cauldron of hobbitsfoot soup. Our most popular snack, and hard tack on the move, is marnakh’urtul: brownie mix. Dismembered brownies, nixies, and fairy folk of all sorts, pressed and roasted to a crisp.

PLANET Z

I bought a box of brownie mix, but I didn’t realize that it requires eggs.
I’m allergic to eggs, and it’s worse when they’re undercooked.
Sometimes, they’re okay when they’re baked sufficiently.
But an omelet or scrambled eggs or mousse with raw egg is brutal.
So, I error on the side of caution.
And occasionally error on the side of stupid, by buying things I can’t or shouldn’t eat.
The box sits there on the shelf.
And I keep meaning to drop it in a food drive donation bin.
But it’ll eventually expire, and I’ll throw the damn thing out.