Every year, the Headless Horseman rides into town.
He dismounts, ties his horse to the bike racks, and walks into the mall.
Advancing slowly on the crowd, people run, screaming.
And then, without hesitation, he sits in Santa’s lap.
“Ohhhh!” groans the mall Santa. “You’re a big boy!”
The Horseman points to the vacant spot over his neck.
“Oh, you want your head?” asks Santa.
And he looks in his massive bag of gifts.
Toy train sets.
Teddy bears.
Baseball gloves.
Skateboards.
But no heads.
“Sorry,” says Santa.
The Horseman shrugs, leaves the mall, mounts his horse, and rides away.
Category: Christmas
Santa Flies Coach
Why does Santa fly around the world in a sleigh pulled by eight reindeer?
Well, try to imagine Santa using commercial flights.
It would be really expensive to fly around the world that way.
Also, he’s horribly fat, so he’d have to buy two tickets instead of one.
And he’d have to pry off his boots at every airport, and take off his giant metal belt buckle.
God forbid someone would try to strip-search the old bastard.
Or run that sack full of toys through the x-ray machine.
If he checked it, the TSA would steal every single goddamned toy.
The Messiah Is Coming
One day, the words THE MESSIAH IS COMING appeared in the sky above Mercer, Pennsylvania.
At first, people thought it was some kind of prank, but when the letters didn’t dissipate like skywriting usually does, everyone freaked out.
A lot.
Helicopters and planes went up to investigate. And they didn’t come back down.
Churches filled up.
News crews arrived.
All kinds of mass hysteria.
A curfew was declared.
The next morning, the words weren’t there.
Someone sent a drone up, but it didn’t see anything. Not even the missing planes or helicopters.
Mercer got back to normal, whatever that means.
Coal for everyone
One year, Santa didn’t give a fuck.
He gave everyone coal.
Some say the coal industry did it as some kind of weird sponsorship deal.
Like the year when Santa gave out Silly Putty to everyone.
Or the year before that, which was sponsored by Reynolds Wrap.
Silly Putty is fun, but why the fuck do kids need Reynolds Wrap?
“They were the highest bidder,” said Santa.
What a whore.
Next year, who knows? Raw chicken?
You think the coal is fun?
Fine. You can keep it. Play your brains out.
Just try not to get coal dust everyone, kid.
Dr. Odd Christmas
When Dr. Odd was little, all he wanted for Christmas was his two front teeth.
So, he built a pandimensional gate that allowed him to travel the multiverse.
He’d surprise his other selves with a hammer, and he’d collect the teeth in a burlap sack.
Pretty soon, he had all of the two front teeth of his other selves.
Even the ones from his dead other selves. Those, he just dug up their graves and took the teeth.
As he tried to return home, the gate broke down.
All he wants for Christmas now is 100 grams of Plutonium fuel.
Santa was an anti-Semite, said Roseanne Barr
Everyone used to talk about the things that Santa brought them.
Except for me. Because I was Jewish.
“Why doesn’t Santa visit us and bring us things?” I asked my father.
“Because Santa is a stupid anti-Semite, and he hates Jews!” my father growled. “Now do your homework!”
Dad said similar things about the Easter Bunny, too.
When he got mad, he called a lot of people anti-Semites.
So many, in fact, they passed around the hat and bought him a trip to Israel.
One-way.
He calls every morning to tell me to do my homework.
He thinks it’s evening.
a bad day
you could say
that jesus
had a bad day
a really
bad day
betrayed
whipped
beaten
crucified
and stabbed
but it could have been
worse
so much worse
what if
mary magdeline
had a baby?
his son?
what if
he had
overdue library books?
what if
nobody volunteered
to feed his cat
or water his plants
while he was gone?
or even worse
what if
one of the apostles
was a
necrophiliac?
no wonder why
he was grateful
for just
getting crucified
and stabbed
and thrown
behind a rock
to rot
wouldn’t you?
even if
he missed
the whole weekend.
Poor angels
The girl in “It’s A Wonderful Life” didn’t quite get it right.
Every time a bell rings, an angel grows another pair of wings.
Nowadays, angels are covered with wings, all over their thrashing and writhing bodies.
And they’re always sprouting more wings, faster than they can rip them off.
Bloody, screaming angels, tearing wings off of their backs, their arms, their legs, their faces…
Heaven is like a David Cronenberg horror film, with bright puffy clouds.
No wonder why angels don’t interfere in human affairs anymore.
Devils just have to deal with hellfire.
They have it so much better.
The Tractor
Three days after the big ice storm, Old Man Thompson didn’t come in to Dot’s Diner for his usual Thursday Special.
The sheriff found him sitting on his tractor, hands frozen to the wheel. Why he was on it when it was too early to plant, nobody knows.
“Can he still be Santa for the kids?” asked Miss Blake, the kindergarten teacher. “Just dress and pose him for a little bit?”
She wasn’t very bright.
The sheriff took Old Man Thompson’s place. A kid asked to see his gun, it went off, and the town had two funerals for Christmas.
Elf On The Shelf Life
As the holidays approach, some parents use an Elf On The Shelf doll to convince their gullible, naughty kids to behave themselves.
Christmas comes and goes, the kids unwrap their presents, and the elf goes back in his box until the holidays come around again.
During this time, who watches the elf? What keeps the elf from misbehaving and causing trouble?
Chicken wire and duct tape usually do the trick.
I know one family that sticks the elf in a Tupperware, fills it with water, and freezes him. Just to be safe.
They don’t get invited to many parties.