It’s only a matter of time before the emperor goes mad.
They all do eventually.
Is it too much mercury in the wine?
Maybe. Or maybe it’s just bad genes.
Making their horse a senator, dressing up as gods. Kooky.
Which makes the current emperor tame by comparison.
Okay, so he celebrates his birthday every day and expects everyone to bring him presents.
And putting them all in a pile and burning them?
Yeah, that’s a bit much.
So, are we ready to stab him?
Fine. You lure him into the cellars, and I’ll get some guys together with knives.
Testament
I pick up a bible, thumb through the pages, and ponder its contents.
Because Jesus was a Jew, he spoke Aramaic.
His Testament was written many years after his death in Greek.
Then, translated into Latin as the Vulgate.
And from Latin and other sources, English.
And then into hundreds of languages.
Add to that the many generations of copies and copies of copies.
One error, one change… then another. And another.
Scholars pore though all of the texts to determine the truth.
Or, at least, the truth according to the authors.
What was the actual truth?
Who knows, really.
Demolition Day
Freddy liked to watch the home decoration shows on TV.
The ones where some renovators would buy a house, tear it down, clean it up, and sell it.
Looking around the house… the old bathrooms… the tiny pantry… the awful floors… he said, “I can do this.”
So, Freddy bought a sledgehammer and started demolishing everything.
He had a dumpster delivered, and he hauled the debris out to it.
When everything was torn down and hauled away, he drew up some plans and wrote up a shopping list.
And that’s when the people he was house sitting for came home.
Weekly Challenge #845: PICK TWO Major, Koala, Bleak, Pool, USB socket, Gadget
LIZZIE
“My computer isn’t working properly. The USB socket is all messed up. And there’s a koala wallpaper that is driving me crazy. I need this fixed asap. That’s what I’m paying you guys for.”
“Certainly. What’s your address? I’ll send assistance over immediately.”
“Assistance? I can’t answer the door. I’m in the pool. The doctor told me to meditate for half an hour in the pool every day.”
“Perhaps after the meditation?”
“No, I have a major function later on.”
“Tomorrow? After tomorrow? Any day in the future?”
“Are you being snarky with me, young man?!”
The future is bleak.
ED
Operation Koala
Here’s the mission.
Lily Titanium, in position, will notify Poppy Copper, who’ll cause a severe disruption in the security system for six minutes. On go, Lily will enter the office.
“This, once in the laptop’s USB socket, will nearly instantaneously transmit all server data here to the office,” said Charlie Bravo. “Considering the time you need to leave, you’ll need to avoid trouble.”
Famous last words, thought Copper. Major trouble always found Lily.
“Poppy, Titanium,” said Bravo. “I don’t have to tell you how crucial this is. Get in. Get out.”
“Check,” the agents answered together. And they were off.
RICHARD
Ultimate Stress Bringer
Every gadget has one, a USB socket: One of the biggest lies in technology.
You know what that ‘U’ stands for? ‘Universal’, and that’s the one thing it isn’t!
Universal: One size fit’s all; interchangeable; any time, any place, anywhere, anyhow… Only, not one of those definitions is true for USB!
Three different USB leads for my phone, tablet and camera, all different sizes and shapes.
On my PC, one socket I can use to charge, one I can’t.
And considering there’s only two ways round to plug it in, how come it always takes me at least three attempts?
SERENDIPIDY
The koala is a silly bear
And yet he thinks he’s cool;
He’s useless playing poker
Slot machines, and pool
He may be cute and cuddly:
Adorable, but please,
Remember as you hold him close
That fur is full of fleas!
His diet, may be vegan
But this guy’s hard to please:
The only leaves he cares about
Come from eucalyptus trees.
His claws are sharp, his breath is foul,
He keeps antisocial hours
And if he takes you on a date
He’ll never buy you flowers.
But it’s not all bleak, for the furry dude
He tastes great, barbecued!
NORVAL JOE
Billbert leaned back to avoid Sabrina’s puckering lips. “Okay. We’re making contact. Your parawhatzits should be inhibited.”
The school bell rang. Sabrina scowled and let him go. Billbert headed toward the building.
“Wait,” Sabrina said. “I have something for you.”
“Now what?” Billbert grumbled.
“Don’t be rude.” Sabrina took a small gadget from her pocket. It looked like a tiny koala bear. She squeezed it, opening its arms, and clipped it onto Billbert’s shirt.
Billbert scoffed. “Right. People make fun of me as it is.”
“I had a vision that someone is looking for you. This should make you invisible.”
PLANET Z
Vimptner called himself inventor, but the truth is, he never invented anything new.
By the time he created something, another person had already announced it and patented it.
Vimptner’s friends accused him of copying the other person’s idea, but he invited them to his lab to watch him craft a new bottle opener.
And then came news that someone had just patented the same thing.
His friends suggested he work up an unlimited power supply or a cure for cancer.
But he didn’t have those miracle skills.
They shrugged, got some wine, and threw a party with his bottle opener.
Afford
Coffee, soda, and bottled water.
Sell them for a buck, and you’re making a huge profit.
The beef? Chicken? Pork? Cheese?
The suppliers charge us wholesale.
And we buy them from markets that are way cheaper than local.
Oh, are they raising minimum wage again?
Even for prison labor?
I guess that means the ordering kiosks at the table pay for themselves that much quicker.
Same with the robots in the kitchen.
And delivery drones for restocking the supplies.
Pretty soon, we won’t need anyone.
Nobody will.
And with no jobs, nobody will be able to afford to eat here.
Plain cereal
Lucky Charms cereal isn’t just bad for you because of all the sugar.
Diabetes. Tooth decay.
It also has so many colored marshmallows in it.
The most important marshmallow is the red balloon.
If your bowl has 99 of them in it, be careful.
Do not throw the bowl into the air.
Russian and American radar will mistake the cereal for some kind of missile attack.
And they will retaliate with a nuclear exchange.
So many people will die.
The survivors will be left to sift through the radioactive ruins.
And that’s why we eat plain Cheerios, you stupid kid.
His next meal
Benji Peletel always knew where his next meal was coming from.
Through the slot in the door of his solitary jail cell.
He also knew what his next meal would be.
“Step back,” said a voice from the speaker in the ceiling.
Benji stepped back from the door, the slot would open, and a tray would slide in.
On it, a stale brown block of some kind of meat and bread and other things, but as for what was in it, that’s another matter.
When he was done, the slot would open and he’d slide the empty tray back out.
The Horse
I always wondered how the Greeks got out of the horse.
Was it the mouth? Did it look like the horse was vomiting soldiers?
Or was it out from the butt? Like the horse was pooping them out.
Perhaps it was from under the horse, so it looked like the horse was giving birth to a bunch of soldiers?
It’s too bad that the Trojans guard was asleep.
Because if someone had seen it, I’m sure they’d have gotten a laugh from such a silly sight.
Well, besides the whole getting murdered and the army being let in the gates.
The orchestral battle
Long ago, composers and orchestras got along great.
Composers wrote symphonies to make orchestras sound good, and orchestras did their best to perform those symphonies to make that composer look good.
Then, something went sour.
Composers began to write more and more difficult and discordant symphonies.
Symphonies left their instruments at home, just made all kinds of noise.
Audiences left in droves.
They came to a stale peace eventually.
But composers would throw in long solos.
A whole orchestra booked, but only one working.
Everyone staring at the violinist, frittering, and thinking I got my drycleaning rush just for this?
Andu
When the Andu banish someone, the banishment is complete.
No Andu will have anything to do with the banished.
They cannot return to the Andu homeworld, and are not welcome at any offworld Andu establishment.
Andu medicines, Andu technologies, and Andu libraries are all off-limits to the banished.
Anyone who breaks the prohibition, knowingly or not, is subject to severe punishment by the Andu.
Which is why Andu civilization collapsed.
Everyone eventually was banished.
Except for one: Emperor Anduval the Third.
Alone in his palace with his robotic servants, sipping his wine, and watching triple-sunsets with a quiet heavy sigh.