My people worship Noodge, God of Constant Guidance.
There’s no priests to spread His word or prophets of His revelation, as He is here with us.
That’s him at the bar, the guy in the robe drinking a beer. That’s Noodge.
He is always telling us what to do, how to do things, and constantly judging us.
What? You don’t see Him? You don’t hear Him telling the barkeeper how to best pour a beer?
You’re serious, right? Heresy’s a dangerous thing. Noodge might hear you and… well, He just nags us more.
(Teach us how to ignore Him too!)
Drip Drip
The city needed more water, and for that they needed another reservoir.
Engineers surveyed the state and determined that our valley was the site.
The towns of Glade and Riverbank were offered buyouts, they voted in favor of them, and people moved away as all they knew was razed.
Even the cemeteries were emptied and relocated.
When the dam was completed, water covered the remaining cellars and streets slowly as the lake filled up.
Every year, I row out and toss two wreaths onto the water.
I drive back to the city, turn the tap, and watch the drip… drip…
Toeing the Line
Scrawl O’Dule dragged the chalk along the paving stones. Stripped bare to the waist lumbered Fin Joyce 235 pound of muscles staring straight into the black eyes of Shawn O’Mally the undisputed champion of Northern Dublin. “Gentleman on the line and begin” O’Dule bellow to the crowd that filled the streets. Each man toed the line and throw a blind number of blows in the first minute of encounter. Upper cuts, follies of gabs, hooks. Blood and sweat spattered the closest on-lookers. Despite the force of those hits each foot remain firm on the line till O’Mally hit the pavement.
Twins
I was so simple before.
If you have two genetically identical children at the same time, they’re called twins.
But if you take one embryo and implant it in another woman, are they still twins?
What if you take one egg, replicate it a few times, and implant them all together?
Twins? Triplets? Quadruplets?
And what if you don’t implant them all at once? Maybe wait a year or two between pregnancies?
Are they now clones?
It’s so confusing. Makes it hard to buy just the right card, too.
Are you my brother?
Are you my mother?
Are you… me?
Smart?
Okay, so I bought myself a smartphone. It’s got a screen you can touch. You can load programs into it, they call them apps these days.
It has more power in it than they had in all the computers back in the Sixties. Which, yeah, it sounds impressive, but people had a hell of a lot more fun back in the Sixties with rock and roll, free love, and all the weed you could smoke.
Here I am, alone with this thing I my hand, tapping at it like a raccoon compulsively washing it’s food.
Smartphone? Kinda dumb to me.
Burn The Ballots
General Molotov ordered the ballots burned, declaring martial law.
When the people whispered revolution, the state police arrested any they thought capable of that threat.
Even the would-be president, who was put under house arrest.
He looked over the papers, nodded, and asked for supplies necessary to endure his imprisonment.
The general looked over the list, found some items unusual, but had them delivered anyway.
Down in the basement, workmen assembled an engine and a massive pair of legs, and soon enough the house got up and walked into the capitol.
The general’s last words were: “Wipe your feet, please.”
But With A Whimper
So, the world ended yesterday.
After years and years of people saying the end was near, when it finally came, it wasn’t really all so bad.
In fact, if people had known exactly how the world was going to end, I don’t think they’d have freaked out about it so much.
Especially the guys walking around in sandwichboards, waving signs and shouting THE END OF THE WORLD IS NIGH!
When the end came, I saw one of those guys just sitting there and smiling.
So, I joined him, and we watched the world end together.
And the new one begin.
Weekly Challenge #244: Make a run for it!
Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number Two Hundred and Forty-Four, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was Make a run for it!!
Go ahead and listen to them and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):
And if you want to spam your social networks with this episode, use the Share buttons at the end of the post.
Dave
James and Dennis were putting the finishing touches on their system of fire crackers and cherry bombs packed into the dirt beneath the arrangement of plastic army men. James’ older brother decided to have some fun of his own and lit the fuse while the boys weren’t looking. Suddenly noticing the lit fuse, they bolted out of the yard and behind the fence. Silence. “Out you go Brownie,” their mom said as she let the dog out. Of course his nose sent him directly to the fire crackers. “Here Brownie!” they called, but it was no use.
Zackmann
Since the newspaper headline is “Last Print Edition Ever Due to Bankruptcy” are there any
stories you want to run but didn’t for fear of losing your job or add revenue.
Well there was this letter from someone Who call himself “The Punnisher” postmarked
Englewood Colorado. It had more puns than a Xanth novel. He had asked a couple times if
the newspaper would run a feature he called “The Punishment”. After he we said no, he sent a
really bad “The Punnishment” as a joke featuring a pun about electing a BlackBerry.
Steven the Nuclear Man
”You think he’s watching?” I put my hand on Mrs. Claus’ arm as she
shakes her head.
Her lips run over the elfin point of my ear. “Of course not. He
watches the human children. You are neither human” – her hand runs
down my body – ” nor a child.”
I fumble with the buttons on her blouse; she slides me out of the
green jumper. We explore each other’s bodies as twenty four hours
pass like one.
Which means he pulls up while we’re still naked.
I try to run, but damn if my socks don’t keep filling up with coal.
TJ
The tacky holiday sweater contest is a bad idea, especially when
you’re as competitive as we are. We all took a run at it, and the
office became an explosion of glitter, tinsel, garland, blinking lights
and jingle bells. They got us together for the judging and it’s like
Christmas threw up on us. I dressed as Rudolph with jingle bell antlers
and a blinking red nose, but we all lost to Karl, who wore a damn
Christmas tree. Later, he confessed he’d just hit the nog too hard,
tripped over the tree in the lobby and couldn’t get free.
Guy David
– …So, I just stood there staring as this guy started shouting right before lunch break, “They are going to turn us into mindless zombies and promote us” or something like that. That guy really lost it.
– Please don’t do that voice
– Sorry… Anyway, how was your day?
– Arms everywhere
– No kidding. Did you make a run for it?
– I wasn’t trained for this
– No one ever is I guess.
– I don’t know what the point of this is
– It’s an exercise in meaningless chatter.
– It’s all my fault
– Look – I have an extra bellybutton.
– That’s between you and the monkeys
Tom
I grab Sue Ann sprinting past the cosmetics. As she spins away she lays a fist to my rib cage. “Bit me Wendell.” She spits. “No but they will.”With out missing a stride Suzie levels the shot gun behind her and takes out two Zmart associates. Since major retail chains started hiring Zombies Shopping is an adventure. Rounding the oral b Kiosk she hacks the ends off a half dozen toothbrushes with a machete. Out of housewares three associates claw at her. Sue pounds a brush into Two forehead rolls forward backhands the third zombie. Bitch clowns eat oral.
Beth and Gina
Fake Fire, Fake Tree, Fake Cat,
Real Beer, Real Whiskey, Real Smokes, Real Good.
Trust me.
Im sitting between a fake fireplace (television playing a fire inside a real fire place) and a Christmas tree made of plastic, donning lights, and crystalline ornaments.
The fake cat is asleep next to me. I watch it’s smooth even (battery powered) breaths.
So We are sitting here, watching Christmas on TV.
She’s got beer… real beer. Me? Whiskey, also real.
We are sitting here laughing about how wonderful it feels to be sitting here between a Fake Tree and Fake Fire holding a Fake cat…
thank God for Real Whiskey, Real Beer and Real Smokes!
Norval Joe
The examiner scowled at the graduate student. “Peter. You claim you weren’t able to collect all the data for your master’s thesis?”
“Yes, sir,” Peter said, a perpetually baffled expression furrowed his brow. “I trapped twelve red squirrels and took blood samples from each. I tested each sample for the ‘grey squirrel pox virus’. I gave each squirrel a pencil and questionarre to fill out. Three ate their pencils, eight made a run for it and escaped, and only one completed the questionarre.”
“Will this affect my final grade?” Peter asked.
“No,” the examiner smiled sadly, “I don’t think so.”
Planet Z
Christmas behind barbed wire, restricted to our barracks.
Almost all of the prison camp guards are in the guardhouse, drinking and singing and exchanging presents.
Presents we made for them as they held guns to the back of our heads.
The two guards that are here, we approach and offer our own gifts.
They think it’s a trap and point their guns at us.
“No,” we say. “It’s Christmas. Enjoy.”
They put down their guns, unwrap the gifts, and we attack them as quietly as possible.
No alarms. Nobody at the wall.
Make a break for it, elves! We’re free!
Hey kids it comes in six different colors
When I was a kid I never had the resources to collect the full set. It didn’t matter what the set was I would always end up with 16 of the same thing and give up. That was until I found my grandfather fishing tackle. He uses to collect fishing slurs. I can count the number of times I’d open that thing and end up in the ER. Well I opened it anyway, but no fishing slurs just 1000 share notes of ATT stock from 1919. Now I collect football teams. I think I might just collect the full set.
Zackmann’s Christmas
Why are you baking a cake? asked little Bernie
It is a birthday cake for Baby Jesus, just like I made you on your birthday two weeks ago.
Why is it bigger than mine was two weeks ago? Is Jesus coming to our house?ask Bernie
No, not in person. Since most of the family will come, there more guests for Christmas than your
birthday.
Mommy, I don’t understand why if Jesus was born in the springtime that he celebrates is
birthday in December when all the cheap relatives only give one present for both Christmas and
your birthday.