George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He’d heard tales of The Flying Dutchman, but he never quite understood the concept.
“So, it was a Dutch man who could fly?” asked George.
“No,” said the captain. “It’s a ghost ship that brings bad omens.”
“The ship is a ghost, or is it full of ghosts?” asked George.
“Both,” said the captain.
“Well, can’t ghosts fly?” asked George. “So, really, if the ghosts are Dutch, they’re flying ghosts of Dutch men.”
The captain smacked George’s head with a belaying peg.
“You’re really annoying,” he said. “And stupid.”
Category: Talk Like A Pirate Day
George the Brand
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was more into branding himself as an information economy brand than as an actual provider of pirating services.
He had the logo, the website, the social media footprint, but he didn’t follow through with getting the job done.
“I have 15,000 followers and I generate a lot of likes and shares and contacts every day in my network,” said George. “Who needs results?”
The captain angrily ordered George to walk the plank.
As he walked the plank, George posted in Instagram selfie that got 92 likes and shares.
George’s Ark
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
There was the time when his ship ran across a massive wooden ark.
The pirates boarded the vessel, and this old bearded freak was yelling about God’s judgment and other nonsense.
They looked in the cargo hold, and found a zoo’s worth of animals down there.
“Oh good,” said the captain. “We’ve been running low on supplies.”
They cooked and ate the unicorns and dragons.
Around then, George up in the crow’s nest shouted “LAND HO!”
But he turned out to be wrong, so they ate the dinosaurs, too.
George the heavy sleeper dumped overboard
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
His crewmates wrapped him in white rags, and laid his body on a wooden plank.
Then, after a prayer, they tilted the plank and his body slid into the ocean.
“Amen,” they said.
The cold water woke George, and he realized that he’d been dumped overboard.
“Well, that’s nothing new,” he tried to say.
But he couldn’t. Because his mouth was full of water.
And he’d been bound and gagged.
“I hate being a heavy sleeper,” thought George, as he sank deeper and deeper into the water and unconsciousness.
George gets a bath
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Nor was he being given a bath by the cannibal who’d found him washed ashore on the beach.
“This water’s too hot,” complained George, splashing around. “Oh, and I’d like soap and a washcloth.”
Instead, the cannibal dropped in chopped vegetables and herbs.
“I’d rather wait until I’m finished with my bath before I eat,” said George.
Somehow, the fire under the pot ignited the cannibal’s grass skirt, and he ran off screaming.
George got out of the pot, reached in for a vegetable, and sat down to eat.
George’s Giving Spirit
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Instead of plundering and looting, he tended to give things away.
“You didn’t give away the cannons again, did you?” said the captain.
“That would be stupid,” said George.
“Or the cannonballs?” said the captain. “We kinda need those to use in the cannons.”
“Do you think I’m some sort of idiot?” said George.
“Yes,” said the captain. “What about the gunpowder?”
“Oh, come on,” said George. “I’m not doing that again.”
The captain ran down a list of supplies, not noticing that they were adrift without an anchor.
George’s Special Map
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
The rest of the crew never could figure out why the captain kept George around.
“Maybe he has a treasure map tattooed on his head?” said Rummy Bill.
“Well, then wouldn’t the captain just scalp George and get rid of the rest?” said Old Lefty.
After a few drinks, they decided to shave George’s head.
Surprisingly, George allowed them to do it, and when they were done, they found nothing.
George was relieved they didn’t ask for him to drop his pants to reveal the map on his ass.
George at the Ritz
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Winds fill your sails, but they can also blow you off course.
Or, in George’s case, into the rocks.
George crawled from the wreckage, shouldered his duffel bag, and walked ashore.
“Where am I?” George asked the couple laying on the beach.
“Fort Lauderdale,” they said. “The hotel is right over there.”
A uniformed man held the door and welcomed George to the Ritz-Carlton.
“How long will you be staying?” asked the concierge.
“Oh, as long as it takes to empty your safe into my bag,” said George, grinning.
George the Dummy
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
“Of course, you’re not, you loser,” said Enrique, George’s ventriloquist dummy. “You’re just a big dummy.”
“Shut up,” said George.
“You’re an even bigger dummy than me,” said the puppet.
“Shut the hell up,” shouted George, throwing Enrique into his footlocker.
George started hearing the voices a few years ago, so in order to make it look natural, he got the dummy and pretended it was a ventriloquist act.
Except that nobody else heard the voices.
Still, the rest of the crew gave the creepy George a wide berth.
George corn
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He wasn’t cost-conscious either.
When most pirates tended to pay a dollar or so for corn, George paid a dollar and a half.
“More than a buck an ear?” growled his captain. “That’s against The Pirate Code, that be!”
“Well, it’s organic,” said George. “And pesticide free, non-GMO.”
George also wore a white filter mask when he went into battle.
“To conceal your identity, right?” said the captain. “You don’t have a bandana?”
“Well, I do,” said George. “But that awful gunpowder smoke is such hell on my allergies.”