Category: Talk Like A Pirate Day

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He worried a lot about things, like what others thought about him or whether he left the stove on before going to work.
“You live on a ship,” said the captain. “You don’t have a goddamned stove.”
Every time George started a sentence with “What if I forgot to…” the captain reminded him that he didn’t have a car to park in the wrong zone, or a smoke alarm to put fresh batteries in.
“Shut up, George,” said the captain.
George worried what the captain thought about him now.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He liked to make model pirate ships.
The problem was, his crewmates were always stealing the glue for his models and sniffing it.
By the time he had a model assembled and he was ready to glue it together, the glue tube would be empty.
He’d go back to the store for glue, but when he got back to the ship, someone had already smashed the model ship.
George switched to Legos, and he assembled them in taverns.
Beer and whiskey were far more intoxicating than the modeling glue.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
And compared to pirate legends, such as Nikolaus Storzenbecher, he was downright pathetic.
They said that Nikolaus could down a gallon mug of beer in one gulp.
George could barely sip his way through a small cup.
And when Nikolaus was captured and scheduled for execution, he demanded that anyone he could walk past after his beheading be pardoned.
The prison warden agreed.
Nikolaus’ headless corpse stumbled past 12 men before collapsing.
George, the thirteenth man in the line, grumbled and kicked the dirt.
“Just my luck,” said George.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
There’s a lot of turnover on a pirate ship, so it’s hard to remember names.
George tried to get his shipmates to wear nametags.
The problem was, by the time the nametags were ready at the printer, most of the crew had been killed and they’d recruited new pirates.
George bought a stack of HELLO, MY NAME IS stickers and a sharpee pen.
Most pirates are illiterate, so they drew an X or a dick.
George gave up and called everyone “Smitty.”
Everyone else called George “that annoying dick.”

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Just as Captain Ahab had his white whale, George had his white guppy.
From the moment he saw it, he just had to have it.
No, it wasn’t as epic a hunt as Moby Dick, but guppies are fast.
George swept the net around the tank at the pet store, but never managed to catch the little fish.
“Screw this,” said George. “Just give me a mouse.”
George put his wallet in his jacket pocket and the mouse in his back pocket.
He discovered his mistake on laundry day.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Rumors about George spread across the Carribean.
“George is nice to women.”
“George treats captives so well, they don’t want to leave.”
“George pays retail price for things instead of looting and pillaging them.”
The Pirate Council came together to address these rumors.
“This is giving pirates a bad name,” said The Chairman. “We must do something before this catches on and ruins us all.”
But they were too late. The damage was done.
And across the world, pirates became polite and nice.
Almost as much as George was.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was always flying the Jolly Roger upside-down.
Someone would point it out to him, and he’d grumble and bring the flag down, mess with it a bit, and run it back up the mast.
“It’s still upside-down, George,” said the captain. “Try it again.”
Once again, George would grumble and try to fly the flag right, but when he ran it back up and stepped back, it was upside-down again.
“This is why I try to lose battles,” said George. “At least the white flag is never upside-down.”

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Most pirates navigate by landmarks or by the stars, but George preferred a technique that he’d read in a book:
He left a trail of breadcrumbs in the water.
“We can follow them back to port,” he said.
The other pirates pointed out to George that this used up their food supply quickly and that the birds and fish ate all of the breadcrumbs, leaving the pirates without a trail.
George tore up his book of Brothers Grimm fairy tales and left a trail of shredded paper to follow.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
On Veterans Day, he went to the Navy base and hung out at the enlisted men’s bar, listening to war stories and other tall tales.
When it was his turn, George would tell his own stories.
Eventually, an old sailor would stop George and ask him when he served in the Navy.
“Oh, I wasn’t in the Navy,” said George. “I’m a pirate. But I fought against the Navy.”
George hightailed it out of there, running for his life.
At least he never had to pay his bar tab.