Mommy warned me that if I made a face, it would freeze that way.
“For the last time,” said Mommy. “Don’t do it.”
So, I made a face.
Mommy saw it, and she picked up her remote and clicked Freeze.
I was unable to move. Mommy had frozen me in place.
I could still see. And think.
And feel Mommy’s screwdriver removing the screws from my faceplate.
She pulled it off, disconnected the power and sensor cable, and set my face on the shelf.
“I warned you,” said Mommy, shoving my body into the closet and slamming the door shut.
Dr. Odd and the stone
Two thousand years ago, Jesus said let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Dr. Odd put down his Bible and built a stone-casting robot.
“But you’re the most sinful man in the world!” said his assistant Bob.
“Yes, but this robot doesn’t have sin,” said Dr. Odd. “It’s just a robot.”
“Yet the robot has no sense of agency, which means that it’s casting stones on your behalf,” said Bob.
Dr. Odd shrugged and turned on the robot.
The robot picked up a stone and cast it at Bob.
Bob ducked, and the stone hit Dr. Odd.
The three laws
Three Laws Safe.
You see that sticker on every robot we sell.
It’s not only our motto, but it’s the law.
If a robot causes so much as a scratch or a stubbed toe, we take it to the shop and tear it down.
Bad programming? Corrupt files?
A bit flip, caused by a cosmic ray?
Those used to happen a lot.
A one flipped to a zero can cause all kinds of mayhem.
So we put in triple error-checking. Everything runs three times.
Two out of three calculations wins the argument.
Comic rays don’t strike twice, or, do they?
Happy Trails by Jared
Happy Trails
Walking along the trail, motion catches my eye. I look up, but only in time to see the flash of a little ball of white fur at the end of a brown-gray blur darting into some underbrush. Constant companion to my footsteps is the sound of rustling leaf litter indicating unseen animals rushing away from my disruptive presence. There’s no counting the number of lizards that have interrupted their basking to dart under a rock or log for safety. I’m no threat to any of them, but there’s no surviving in the wild if you don’t consider everything a threat.
In case you’re curious:
– Turn off fans.
– Download sound file.
– Listen to it.
– Plug in microphone.
– Start Audacity.
– Record introduction.
– Drag over TEMPLATE.
– Edit template.
– Drag over sound file.
– Export to MP3
– Name the file.
– Add ID3 information.
– Drag finished file to P drive (server’s repository).
– Close Audacity.
– Unplug microphone.
– Log in to WordPress.
– Add new post
– Give it a title.
– Copy and paste story.
– Set category to author.
– Enter media URL.
– Verify it.
– Click Publish.
That looks like a lot of steps. But it isn’t.
Only takes me a few minutes.
So, it’s okay to send them in after I’ve posted the collection for the week.
Weekly Challenge #786 – Stay safe
- Richard
- Lizzie
- Serendipidy
- Tom
- Duane
- Norval Joe
- Planet Z
RICHARD
Stay safe
“Stay safe out there – I don’t want to have to continue this mission all on my own!”
It was kind of weird being told to look after myself by a computer, but considering the run of bad luck we’d had recently, I suppose it made sound sense.
For a moment, I caught myself wondering whether it was possible for an artificial intelligence to worry, then dismissed the idea with a snort.
I turned my attention to the job in hand, before heading back to the ship.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry Dave, I can’t do that.”
LIZZIE
“Stay safe and enjoy the trip.”
He repeated these words in his mind, over and over again, while trying to keep his head above the icy water. He knew he didn’t have much time left.
“Stay safe and enjoy.”
And it had been very enjoyable. Very enjoyable, he repeated in his mind.
Good music, good food, nice company. Very nice.
“Stay and enjoy. How nice.”
The water was so cold. He couldn’t see anything. He could hear people around him, crying and yelling.
“Stay, be nice.”
And he felt he was so far away. It was strange.
“Stay… Stay… Nice…”
SERENDIPIDY
The world is a dangerous place, and I firmly believe that you can’t be too careful when it comes to kids.
You’ve heard the expression ‘wrapping them in cotton wool’? Well, I’ve taken it literally, and mine are wrapped in a hundred yards of the stuff, tightly held in place with duct tape.
Because, nothing is too much trouble to ensure my kids stay safe.
As for germs and such like, I encase the cotton wrapped youngsters in giant polythene bags, vacuum sealed for security.
Weirdly however, none of my safety measures seemed to work.
The children still died, somehow.
TOM
Pick A Lock Any Lock
I was at this magic convention. I told this guy with a bunch of doves in
jacket: Stay Safe. He says you too. I say I will. He smiled at me snapped
his fingers, three guys appeared pushing an Elkhorn Safe. Next thing I
know I’m in the safe. I feel myself being pulled upward. I can just make
out someone yelling. “It’s over the pool. You know no-one can hear you
scream in an iron safe. The rule when falling into a pool locked in a
safe: don’t panic. The second: revenge in a dish best severed cold. Yup.
DUANE
We’ve heard many mixed messages and contradictions over the last year. The one that still has some traction is “stay home, stay safe.” The phrase shows up everywhere. It’s in tweets. It’s in email signatures. It was on my cable bill. Ironically, it’s even on bumper stickers and posters in restaurants.
Have we all forgotten the most important message from the past? Have we lost the words of wisdom that used to be in tv commercials and public service announcements? If we are truly going to “return to normal”, we need to reclaim the phrase, “most accidents happen at home!”
NORVAL JOE
Billbert and his father walked back into the Air Bnb. Mrs. Blanketmaker sat on the couch eating cheese and crackers.
Mr. Blanketmaker stopped in the doorway. “I’m going out for a little bit. You two stay safe.”
“Stay safe from what?” Billbert asked. “Do you think Mr. Withybottom is going to come back over here and give us some trouble?”
“You never know,” his father said. “There could be a tiger creeping around the neighborhood.”
Billbert’s mother laughed. “You stay safe. You’re the one who will be wandering around outside. Watch out for black cats jumping from fifth floor apartments.”
PLANET Z
Instead of ending conversations with “Bye” or “God bless” now people end conversations with “Stay safe.”
Put on a mask, wash your hands, put on gloves, and order everything delivery.
Keep six feet away from others, don’t gather in large crowds.
All the stuff that the CDC tells you to do.
Even if you’re vaccinated.
The cards are so easy to fake
A knock on the door, you open it, and let the hooker in your home.
A hundred bucks more for no condom?
Sure, no problem.
You beam the money with a no-contact bluetooth app, and close the door.
The woman in strings
The artist signs her name as Mary O’Net.
Strings attached to her arms and legs and head lead into a hole in the ceiling.
She moves in the most imprecise way, as if those strings control her.
Her eyes don’t seem to blink.
She doesn’t seem to breathe.
The most brilliant mime alive, she is.
But… is she alive?
I hold her wrist, and feel no pulse.
I hold a mirror to her face, and there is no breath.
She falls to the floor, completely limp.
“Who are you!” I shout at the ceiling.
Nobody responds.
I sit in silence.
The pitch
It used to be that movies were shot on film, and the directors rushed daily copies for review by the studios.
They’d take multiple takes, and either pick out the best or reshoot.
Then Jerry Lewis came up with video assist, and they had an instant method of assessing a shot or performance.
More and more innovations came about, making it easier for the studio and director to assess the performances, to the point where they could determine a hit or a bomb from the pitch meeting.
Every pitch was a determined to be a bomb, and the industry collapsed.
Toilet seat cat
My cat likes to sleep on the toilet seat.
There’s no lid on that toilet, so she sits on the seat.
When she falls asleep, her foot or tail falls into the water.
And one time, she fell completely in.
So I bought a new toilet seat with a lid.
The bolts on the old seat were fused solid.
I pulled out a ginsu knife and hacked at them for ten minutes before they broke.
And then I put in the new toilet seat.
No, I did not slice a tomato with the knife.
But I’m sure I could have.
Chores for games
These days, parents change the WiFi password to keep children from playing games until they do their chores.
Back in my day, my parents would slip a suitcase padlock through the holes in my Atari’s power plug.
That way, I couldn’t plug it in until I did my chores.
So, I cut off the plug and stripped the wires and stuck on a new plug.
My dad said “Look at the kid, he was born to be an electrical engineer!”
So proud. Until I plugged the thing in and electrocuted myself.
At least I got out of doing my chores.
The Beatles records
We used to go up in the treehouse to listen to Beatles records.
An extension cord running from my bedroom window to the tree.
A power strip, with a lamp plugged into it so we could see at night.
An Easy-Bake oven to make little cookies and cakes.
A dishwasher to clean the pans and plates.
Thank goodness we had the second phone line put in.
Always getting calls while we’re on the treadmill or working a dowel on the lathe.
And then, lightning struck the tree, burned it all to the ground.
Thank goodness I saved the Beatles records.