Happy Trails by Jared

Happy Trails

Walking along the trail, motion catches my eye. I look up, but only in time to see the flash of a little ball of white fur at the end of a brown-gray blur darting into some underbrush. Constant companion to my footsteps is the sound of rustling leaf litter indicating unseen animals rushing away from my disruptive presence. There’s no counting the number of lizards that have interrupted their basking to dart under a rock or log for safety. I’m no threat to any of them, but there’s no surviving in the wild if you don’t consider everything a threat.

In case you’re curious:

– Turn off fans.
– Download sound file.
– Listen to it.
– Plug in microphone.
– Start Audacity.
– Record introduction.
– Drag over TEMPLATE.
– Edit template.
– Drag over sound file.
– Export to MP3
– Name the file.
– Add ID3 information.
– Drag finished file to P drive (server’s repository).
– Close Audacity.
– Unplug microphone.

– Log in to WordPress.
– Add new post
– Give it a title.
– Copy and paste story.
– Set category to author.
– Enter media URL.
– Verify it.
– Click Publish.

That looks like a lot of steps. But it isn’t.
Only takes me a few minutes.
So, it’s okay to send them in after I’ve posted the collection for the week.

Weekly Challenge #786 – Stay safe

Bathroom Baby Panther

RICHARD

Stay safe

“Stay safe out there – I don’t want to have to continue this mission all on my own!”

It was kind of weird being told to look after myself by a computer, but considering the run of bad luck we’d had recently, I suppose it made sound sense.

For a moment, I caught myself wondering whether it was possible for an artificial intelligence to worry, then dismissed the idea with a snort.

I turned my attention to the job in hand, before heading back to the ship.

“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”

“I’m sorry Dave, I can’t do that.”

LIZZIE

“Stay safe and enjoy the trip.”
He repeated these words in his mind, over and over again, while trying to keep his head above the icy water. He knew he didn’t have much time left.
“Stay safe and enjoy.”
And it had been very enjoyable. Very enjoyable, he repeated in his mind.
Good music, good food, nice company. Very nice.
“Stay and enjoy. How nice.”
The water was so cold. He couldn’t see anything. He could hear people around him, crying and yelling.
“Stay, be nice.”
And he felt he was so far away. It was strange.
“Stay… Stay… Nice…”

SERENDIPIDY

The world is a dangerous place, and I firmly believe that you can’t be too careful when it comes to kids.

You’ve heard the expression ‘wrapping them in cotton wool’? Well, I’ve taken it literally, and mine are wrapped in a hundred yards of the stuff, tightly held in place with duct tape.

Because, nothing is too much trouble to ensure my kids stay safe.

As for germs and such like, I encase the cotton wrapped youngsters in giant polythene bags, vacuum sealed for security.

Weirdly however, none of my safety measures seemed to work.

The children still died, somehow.

TOM

Pick A Lock Any Lock

I was at this magic convention. I told this guy with a bunch of doves in
jacket: Stay Safe. He says you too. I say I will. He smiled at me snapped
his fingers, three guys appeared pushing an Elkhorn Safe. Next thing I
know I’m in the safe. I feel myself being pulled upward. I can just make
out someone yelling. “It’s over the pool. You know no-one can hear you
scream in an iron safe. The rule when falling into a pool locked in a
safe: don’t panic. The second: revenge in a dish best severed cold. Yup.

DUANE

We’ve heard many mixed messages and contradictions over the last year. The one that still has some traction is “stay home, stay safe.” The phrase shows up everywhere. It’s in tweets. It’s in email signatures. It was on my cable bill. Ironically, it’s even on bumper stickers and posters in restaurants.

Have we all forgotten the most important message from the past? Have we lost the words of wisdom that used to be in tv commercials and public service announcements? If we are truly going to “return to normal”, we need to reclaim the phrase, “most accidents happen at home!”

NORVAL JOE

Billbert and his father walked back into the Air Bnb. Mrs. Blanketmaker sat on the couch eating cheese and crackers.
Mr. Blanketmaker stopped in the doorway. “I’m going out for a little bit. You two stay safe.”
“Stay safe from what?” Billbert asked. “Do you think Mr. Withybottom is going to come back over here and give us some trouble?”
“You never know,” his father said. “There could be a tiger creeping around the neighborhood.”
Billbert’s mother laughed. “You stay safe. You’re the one who will be wandering around outside. Watch out for black cats jumping from fifth floor apartments.”

PLANET Z

Instead of ending conversations with “Bye” or “God bless” now people end conversations with “Stay safe.”
Put on a mask, wash your hands, put on gloves, and order everything delivery.
Keep six feet away from others, don’t gather in large crowds.
All the stuff that the CDC tells you to do.
Even if you’re vaccinated.
The cards are so easy to fake
A knock on the door, you open it, and let the hooker in your home.
A hundred bucks more for no condom?
Sure, no problem.
You beam the money with a no-contact bluetooth app, and close the door.

The woman in strings

The artist signs her name as Mary O’Net.
Strings attached to her arms and legs and head lead into a hole in the ceiling.
She moves in the most imprecise way, as if those strings control her.
Her eyes don’t seem to blink.
She doesn’t seem to breathe.
The most brilliant mime alive, she is.
But… is she alive?
I hold her wrist, and feel no pulse.
I hold a mirror to her face, and there is no breath.
She falls to the floor, completely limp.
“Who are you!” I shout at the ceiling.
Nobody responds.
I sit in silence.

The pitch

It used to be that movies were shot on film, and the directors rushed daily copies for review by the studios.
They’d take multiple takes, and either pick out the best or reshoot.
Then Jerry Lewis came up with video assist, and they had an instant method of assessing a shot or performance.
More and more innovations came about, making it easier for the studio and director to assess the performances, to the point where they could determine a hit or a bomb from the pitch meeting.
Every pitch was a determined to be a bomb, and the industry collapsed.

Toilet seat cat

My cat likes to sleep on the toilet seat.
There’s no lid on that toilet, so she sits on the seat.
When she falls asleep, her foot or tail falls into the water.
And one time, she fell completely in.
So I bought a new toilet seat with a lid.
The bolts on the old seat were fused solid.
I pulled out a ginsu knife and hacked at them for ten minutes before they broke.
And then I put in the new toilet seat.
No, I did not slice a tomato with the knife.
But I’m sure I could have.

Chores for games

These days, parents change the WiFi password to keep children from playing games until they do their chores.
Back in my day, my parents would slip a suitcase padlock through the holes in my Atari’s power plug.
That way, I couldn’t plug it in until I did my chores.
So, I cut off the plug and stripped the wires and stuck on a new plug.
My dad said “Look at the kid, he was born to be an electrical engineer!”
So proud. Until I plugged the thing in and electrocuted myself.
At least I got out of doing my chores.

The Beatles records

We used to go up in the treehouse to listen to Beatles records.
An extension cord running from my bedroom window to the tree.
A power strip, with a lamp plugged into it so we could see at night.
An Easy-Bake oven to make little cookies and cakes.
A dishwasher to clean the pans and plates.
Thank goodness we had the second phone line put in.
Always getting calls while we’re on the treadmill or working a dowel on the lathe.
And then, lightning struck the tree, burned it all to the ground.
Thank goodness I saved the Beatles records.

The grants

The government offered grants to teachers who would commit to teaching at low-income and struggling schools.
Then, the grant officials would try to find the most petty excuses to cancel those grants.
Late paperwork, minor violations of the rules. That kind of thing.
They’d wait until the commitment was over before informing the teachers of their violations.
The teachers received letters demanding repayment of the grants.
Most teachers gave in, but Dan didn’t.
Dan spent three years in the worst gang-infested hellhole in Detroit.
So, he hunted down the grant officials, and taught them what he’d learned from his students.

Weekly Challenge #785 – List

Tin Time

RICHARD

The List

He’s making list, checking it twice; gonna find out who’s naughty and nice…

What, you thought Santa gets to put his feet up all year and only starts work on the list sometime in mid-December?

Don’t be ridiculous! We can all put on a nice act for a couple of weeks in the run up to Christmas… Kinda defeats the object of having a list at all.

So, Santa starts recording the Christmas tantrums on Boxing Day and compiles the list throughout the year.

‘Cause no-one can be nice that long.

And Santa saves a fortune on buying gifts!

LIZZIE

“Attention! Today’s specials!” said the innkeeper.
The room lit up with enthusiasm.
“Fish and apples!”
A murmur of disappointment…
“Fish, apples AND seagull!”
The crowd went back to the usual chatter, uninterested.
“… and RUM!”
A roar of eagerness thundered throughout the room.
“The fish is fresh and..”
Everyone laughed.
“Well, the rum is OK…”
A round of lively applause.
The innkeeper was sweating profusely by then.
In fact, the rum was the cheapest he could find.
Let’s just say the evening ended with him bobbing away inside a barrel, doused in his own rum.
Luckily, they didn’t light him up.

SERENDIPIDY

I decided to make a bucket list: You know the sort of thing – a bunch of aspirational goals to achieve before I die.

But you just had to make fun of it, didn’t you? Saying I was wasting my time with ridiculous and childish pursuits, that I was unlikely ever to achieve.

That hurt.

So, I’m going to hurt you right back.

And I’ve decided that I need to make a brand new bucket list, with just that single aspirational goal.

Only this time.

I aim to achieve it, before you die.

Which will be very, very soon indeed.

TOM

It Often Starts Simple.

I have this list. I start it when I was very young. My grandfather had
just died. At the wake a close friend of my father’s (whom I believe gave
be herpes when I about four, but that is another story) told me if you
write a love-one’s name down on paper they will live on. This is how the
list began. The scope expanded to people I respected. After 63 years the
list had grown very long. I image I will be the last name on the list.
Then again there might not be anyone left to pencil it in.

DUANE

I once made the Dean’s list.
No, I never made the best dressed list.
I’ve trimmed my bucket list to you and me, and
I won’t be happy till I make your wish list.

I’ve been on the short list.
I’ve been on the shit list.
I’ve been on both the naughty and nice list.
For all I know I might even be on the no fly list.

I’ve whiteboarded the pros and cons of you and me, and
Since you can’t legally put love on your shopping list,
I won’t be happy till I’m on your to do list.

JARED

A Bad List

The battle had been apocalyptic; Captain Stubbing’s Man-of-War was listing badly to starboard. But he knew his nautical foe and taken more than he had given. Despite the damage to both ships, neither captain was willing to cede.

“Shift the ballast to port and come around!” Stubbing ordered. Dutifully, they set to as well as they could muster.

Stubbing could hear his counterpart’s orders. Without discerning the words, he knew what they were. The scalawag was coming about to offer his own broadside.

“Fire!” sounded from both captains. The chaos of smoke, fire, thunder and destruction erupted on both sides.

NORVAL JOE

Mr. Blanketmaker let go of Billbert’s arm and stomped after Mr. Withybottom. “Now, listen here.”
Billbert’s father had always seemed tall to his son. But at five feet ten inches and 175 pounds, he looked like a twig compared to Linoliamanda’s father who stood probably six four and a muscular 300 pounds.
Mr. Blanketmaker didn’t care. He pointed his finger right up to the big man’s nose. “Tin hats and protective helmets? Add this to your list. A straight jacket and a psych eval. You pompous megalomaniac.”
Billbert’s father grabbed his son as he charged back to their Air Bnb.

PLANET Z

Tristan made an appointment with her doctor, waited a week for the test results, and got the news nobody ever wants to hear.
“Can you make a list of all the people you’ve been with in the past year so we know who might also have been exposed?”
So, Tristan got to work.
She pulled out the phone book and went over it with a highlighter, marking every name.
The highlighter ran dry, so she picked up a pack from the office supply store.
The doctor looked at the phone book and winced.
“They still print phone books?” he said.

Beans and Quarantine by Jared

Beans in Quarantine?

At the start of last year’s quarantine-that-wasn’t-a-quarantine stay-at-home orders, stores ran out of lots of products related to keeping ourselves safe from the virus: gloves, hand sanitizer, bleach, paper products, masks. Plenty of grocery items became scarce, too: pasta and sauce, canned vegetables, soups. I never knew how many people knew how to bake from scratch. Flour, sugar, and yeast seemed to disappear from the stores, as well. One grocery category that disappeared that amused me was beans. Both canned beans and dry beans. I don’t think people thought about a bean-heavy diet when they were home all the time.