George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He’d tried everything to be better, but it just never worked out.
So, George sought out a fortune-teller.
She laid out Tarot cards and said that George would some day be a great pirate.
“You’re kidding me, right?” said George. “I want a second opinion.”
The fortune-teller looked into her crystal ball. “No bullshit, Joe. The ball agrees.”
George thanked her, and that’s when the pirates raided the town.
While robbing the fortune-teller, he dropped the crystal ball, and it cracked.
“Bet you didn’t see that coming,” said George.
George the Gardener
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He liked to garden, though.
Which isn’t very easy to do on a pirate ship.
The bunks didn’t get much light. And the upper decks got a lot of foot-traffic, so his flowers and herbs would get stomped.
Hanging window boxes from portholes worked for a while, until they hit rough seas.
When he hung the window boxes from the rails, they got knocked loose when his crewmates swung over to board another ship.
In the end, he volunteered for night watch and grew flowers in the crow’s nest.
George the Movie Man
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
While his shipmates looted gold and silver and gems, he only managed to grab a movie projector and several reels of film.
That night, George set up the projector, and showed “Casablanca” on the mainsail.
The crew loved it.
“More!” they shouted.
Town after town, George would grab more movies and show them.
His crewmates would steal cases of whiskey to drink, and they even grabbed a popcorn machine to make snacks.
Other ships would anchor by George’s ship and watch, too.
Their Rocky Horror Nights were utterly ghastly.
George the Baller
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He really liked to play basketball, and he nailed a backboard and net to the main mast.
The crew would play three-on-three half court.
But every now and then, someone would block a shot really hard, and the ball would sail over the rail and into the water.
The ball floated, so George used a net on a long pole to recover the ball.
And then, there was Lefty, who had a hook for a hand.
A sharp hook.
George sighed, and tossed the deflated ball over the rail.
George and the Sixteenth Man
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When there were sixteen men on a dead man’s chest, George would join in and throw off the count.
Or, if he were a part of that sixteen, he’d realize he was late for something or another, and leave his fellow pirates one man short.
Then they’d have to recount, which wasn’t always easy, pirates being notoriously bad at math counting on their fingers.
Well, the guys with all their fingers. Some had hooks for hands.
This led to a few scuffles, and in the end, nobody really wins.
George the Management Consultant
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
So, he sought the assistance of a management consultant.
The consultant determined that George’s problems were the result of workplace design flaws and poor ergonomics.
After several months in overhaul, the ship was ready to sail.
The decks were easier to swab, the cannons were easier to load, and the keel was easier to haul.
Even the Jolly Roger was at optimum jolliness.
“RAISE ANCHOR!” shouted the captain.
And George promptly fell overboard.
“Just leave him there,” said the captain.
George watched the ship sail away.
“Magnificent,” said George.
Weekly Challenge #802 – PICK TWO Full, Where did they go?, Barrel, Your call, Universally, Joint, Some might say…
TURA
The Universal Joint
———
At the Universal Joint, you can get anything you want, if it’s about pot. Bongs, pipes, rolling papers. Hippie tie-dye clothing, hippie beads, 60s psychedelic posters, acid zines, spacey meditation CDs, Indian inspired jewellery, Tibetan prayer flags, everything.
You want hash? How about our cannabis beers and wines? Hemp petits fours? Hemp seed cooking oil? Hemp moisturising cream? A daily journal, hand-made from hemp fibre paper? Hemp briquettes for your wood-burning stove?
What, you want to ”get high”? Be off with you, young man, before I call the police! This is a respectable neighbourhood, we don’t want potheads around here!
RICHARD
Roulette
The atmosphere was tense as we faced each other, unblinking, across the table.
He slowly took a bullet from the box, inspected it carefully, then slipped it into the chamber, snapping the barrel closed, and giving it a good spin, before gently placing the piece down again.
“So, d’ya wanna go first, or second? Your call, bro, I’m easy.”
By way of a reply, I took hold of the gun, held the barrel to my head, and pulled the trigger.
There was a click, then silence.
I slid the gun across the table.
Then watched him blow his brains out.
LIZZIE
Some might say that nothing changed. The empty room was still empty. The beautiful view was still beautiful. The cranky neighbor was still cranky. When I asked the neighbor why you weren’t picking up the phone, he shrugged. “But where did she go?” I asked and he walked away. I just stood there, in the middle of an empty room, looking at the beautiful view, wondering. I still had that photo we took together in Brazil, laughing like two lunatics, two happy lunatics. When I terminated the lease on the apartment, I noticed that B, drawn on the dusty kitchen counter.
SERENDIPIDY
Where did they go?
Well, some of them, I chopped up and fed them to the local stray dogs, others, I threw into the river, weighted down with concrete blocks, whilst for those a little more off the beaten track, it was a shallow, unmarked grave.
There’s a million ways to dispose of a body, if you know what you’re doing.
Some methods, of course, are more effective than others, and for excellent results every time, I highly recommend the good old fashioned acid bath.
I’ve got a body brewing in one right now, in a barrel out the back.
TOM
“It was the Fall of new century,” dryly stated Ford, “Oxford was turning
brown, swirls of leaves drifted around my feet.” Hamilton interjected:
“Before the rebels took the campus?” Ford looked off to his right trying
to assemble space into a responsive time. “Yes, dear boy. A gentler time,
before the barrels on the roofs. But that would be another tale. Perhaps
later?” “Where was I … oh on my way to the library. I had just made it
the door when I hear a voice over my shoulder.” “Some might say a strong
wind blows against the empire.”
NORVAL JOE
The noise in the lunch room and the distance the rest of the students universally kept allowed Billbert and Sabrina to talk openly.
“The other students have treated you this way your whole life?” Billbert asked. “Is it because your parents are…magic users?”
Sabrina shook her head, “Full disclosure. My parents haven’t been in my life for many years.”
Before he could realize he was putting his foot in his mouth, Billbert asked, “Where did they go?”
Her face turned a dangerous shade of red. “Some might say they weren’t cut out for parenting and chose to pursue other interests.”
JARED
Cheesy Meatball Mushrooms
I wouldn’t know, but if you’ve consumed the gentle herb, try these:
6 Brown mushroom caps, minimum 1” across, no stems
3 Meatballs, cooked and split
2 Tablespoons EVOO
2 Teaspoons kosher salt
3 Tablespoons marinara sauce
¼ cup of Italian blend shredded cheese
Preheat oven to 400*F
Toss mushroom caps in oil and place upside down on baking sheet. Sprinkle with salt. Bake for 12 minutes, or until softened.
Spoon proportional amounts of marinara sauce into caps. Place meatball half, round side down, into sauce. Cover each with cheese. Finish baking for 6 minutes, or until cheese is melted.
PLANET Z
Some street hustlers and table magicians use the traditional three playing cards for Three Card Monte scams.
Others use cups and balls, from cheap Red Solo cups to brushed silver cups.
They let you win the first time, then reel you in.
I know this guy who uses a lit joint instead of the ball.
Shuffles the cups around, the mark feels the cups and lifts the warm one.
Then they look up, and see the joint in the guy’s mouth.
Another guy uses big barrels and a bowling ball.
But no matter what they use, they’ll get your money.
George and the Perils of Finance
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Instead of looting and pillaging, he would buy things from merchants and then put them on an expense report.
“You’re not doing it right,” said the captain. “You take things and don’t pay for them.”
“Oh,” said George. “Sorry about that. I had student discounts and coupons. And my credit card miles, too.”
The next raid, George came back stark naked.
“They took everything,” he said.
The captain sighed and put George back to work in the galley.
“So when do I get my expense report reimbursed?” asked George.
George and the Project Management Triangle
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
His planning and execution weren’t quite up to pirate standards. The Project Management Triangle eluded him.
Where others know to respond to unreasonable demands with “You want fast, cheap, and good? Pick two of those.” George would respond “Okey dokey. I’ll get right on it.”
Three weeks late, George would come in way over budget with something utterly inadequate.
“I asked for a salad,” said the captain. “This is a burlap sack full of rocks.”
George would smile, say “Aw shucks!” and go back to screwing something else up.
George the Capitalist
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Most pirates exchange their loot for gold, and they make jewelry out of it.
That way, they can carry their wealth with them everywhere.
George put his money in the bank and investments.
Pretty soon, he got into real estate and shipping. And helped his crewmates invest wisely, too.
“Avast, me hearties!” shouted the captain at a passing merchant vessel. “Stand aside and prepare to be boarded!”
George tapped the captain on the shoulder. “We have stock in that company.”
“Never mind,” shouted the captain. “Have a nice day.”