It’s considered an honor to kiss The Pope’s ring.
Well, the one on his finger.
Which finger?
Any of them, but the big one is the one most people talk about.
The one on his big toe, that’s different.
He usually needs help getting his slippers on and off, so he usually only lets people do that in private.
The ring in his nose, that’s off-limits. Don’t even try to go for that one.
Or the one in his belly button.
As for the one on his you-know-what, that’s strictly for the altar boys.
He’s a Catholic priest, after all.
Maria gets vanished
The State has ordered Maria’s removal.
She has been removed from her apartment along with everything she owned.
All photographs of Maria have been collected and burned.
The article about her arrest, censored.
Maria’s family no longer has a daughter.
If you ask them, they respond “Maria who?”
And they will look around to see if anyone is watching and listening.
Why did this happen? What did Maria do? Where did she go?
She asked about Leslie too much.
The State had removed Leslie.
So, they removed Maria, too.
And if you keep asking about Maria, they’ll remove you, too.
Warm bed
Theodore loved the comfort of his nice warm bed.
But what made it warm?
The blankets didn’t.
The sheets didn’t.
Yes, it was his own body heat.
Trapped by the blankets and sheets.
Theodore did experiments with the number of blankets and sheets and the fabric of them.
He tried an electric blanket, and then an electric mattress.
He got cats and dogs to sleep with him.
Once, he went as far as hiring a hooker to hold him while he slept.
This annoyed his wife quite a bit.
She set the bed on fire, which warmed up Theodore considerably.
Trevor’s dad is a hero
You know that weird kid Trevor?
Trevor’s dad is a hero.
Trevor tells everybody this. Over and over.
“What does your dad do?” everybody asks.
“He’s a hero!” says Trevor.
“But what heroic things does your dad do?” everybody asks.
“Lots of them!” says Trevor.
You’ll never get a straight answer out of Trevor.
Believe me, I’ve tried.
And it’s not like Trevor’s dad is some kind of superhero.
Those are pretty rare.
The only one I know of is my dad.
He’s a superhero.
What superheroic things does my dad do?
Lots of them!
He’s a superhero, after all.
Weekly Challenge #768 – Fire
- Lizzie
- Richard
- Serendipidy
- Tom
- Norval Joe
- Tura
- Jared
- Planet Z
LIZZIE
The fire crackled, sputtering snapping sounds.
The evening began with a quiet conversation about something, she couldn’t remember what.
Then, slowly but surely, everything started collapsing. He snapped, venomous words, venomous sentences and venomous hatred. He sputtered spite and a storm of grudges, loading and malevolence. His skin sizzled, tiny drops of sweat popping here and there on his forehead.
She sat in silence. The fire used to look so beautiful, so warm and welcoming. But, for some reason, it didn’t today.
Silence, the whole evening. And the fire spoke and crackled and snapped.
The next morning, she was gone.
RICHARD
Fired up!
Every morning we had a team motivational meeting, designed to inspire us, build mutually beneficial relationships, and fire us up, ready to face the challenges of the day ahead.
It was supposed to energise us, and enable us to start the day with energy and pace.
It was as awful as it sounds.
Calisthenics to start, then group hugs, a song of the day and a rousing shout of affirmation!
We’d do anything to get out of it: Arrange early morning meetings, and appointments, or just get stuck into work as soon as we arrived.
I guess the meeting succeeded!
SERENDIPIDY
Fire pit special roast.
First, prepare your fire pit: Dig out a large, shallow hole in sand.
Next take one prime human, well-matured, seasoned and spiced to taste, and sear on a spit over open flame, until the skin crackles and caramelises.
Line the prepared pit with stones heated in the fire, cover with a layer of straw and lay the meat upon it. Drizzle generously with olive oil, and knobs of butter, then cover with straw and sand.
Bake for three hours.
Serve with your favourite accompaniments.
Delicious!
And I bet your mouth is watering, despite your revulsion!
TOM
You Are Not Safe
Tom knows fire. In the last five year, five forest fires have caused me to leave my home, not knowing if that home would be standing when I returned. A few months ago the three largest fire in the state’s history burn directly above, below and next to where I write this. To escape the last fire I drove directly into a pyroclastic cloud. To the casual listener that’s a god damn mushroom cloud. When we finally rounded the monster down US 5, the sky turned Mordor red and black. I know fire and I know it’s coming for me.
NORVAL JOE
Billbert sat in silence as his mother drove them home from the hospital.
Pulling onto their street a commotion in front of their house forced his mother to stop the car. Red lights of fire trucks flashed in the night while the blue lights of police cars held spectators and residents away.
“That’s our house,” Billbert’s mother gasped. “It’s on fire.”
Mr. Blanketmaker paced back and forth on the sidewalk, frantically looking past the firefighters.
They parked the car and ran to Billbert’s father who threw his arms around them. “Honey. When I drove up, Nuclear Fission was running away.”
TURA
Fire
———
Centuries ago, I sold my soul in return for living “so long as the sun’s fire burns”. I thought that meant forever, so the devil could never collect.
I’ve done a lot of things since. I was once king of a country that no longer exists. I’ve been shipwrecked and fought in wars, but I miraculously survive everything.
Now, scientists know when the sun will go out. In less than 10 billion years. The universe will be habitable a lot longer. Some say our future descendants could reincarnate all their ancestors, and everyone will live forever in paradise.
Except me.
JARED
The Fire Triangle
I don’t know the secret to a fiery relationship, but anyone who knows the Fire Triangle knows how to extinguish any fire. Every fire requires fuel, oxygen, and heat. Even metaphorical ones.
Separate a burning stick from anything combustible. Once the stick is consumed, the fire goes out. Block a fire from getting oxygen or take all the oxygen away – the fire dies. If things are cold enough, there’s not enough energy to ignite the fuel.
Keep two lovers from touching long enough…
If one lover feels smothered, or ignored…
Start giving your partner the cold shoulder…
No more fire.
PLANET Z
Fred was the laziest guy in the company.
Sure, he got his work done, but it seemed like he was always napping at his desk.
Metrics showed Fred was outstanding in productivity and quality, but it didn’t seem that way.
“I’m going to light a fire under his ass,” said his boss.
But nothing could motivate Fred to stop napping at his desk in between tasks.
So, Fred’s boss got out a pack of matches, stuck it on Fred’s chair under his ass, and lit them.
Fred quit and moved to the competition.
And they kicked his old company’s ass.
The pest
Myst is the bedcat.
When I go to bed, she is there, wanting attention.
She’ll try to paw my face or bite my nose.
I just want to sleep, so I cover myself completely with the blanket.
Myst tries to dig in, poking and prodding until she finds a way.
When Gina comes to bed, Myst will bother her for a while.
One of us gets the butt and the other gets the bite.
And then, Myst gets the pillow.
A simple whomp convinces the annoying little baby panther to stop being a pest, and we all go to sleep.
Collect Calls
When I was little, long distance calls were expensive.
So when my Great Aunt Rose or my Grandmother would call, they’d use a code.
They’d call collect and ask for themselves.
We’d say “Sorry, they’re not in right now.” and hang up.
That way, my dad could call back on his company line to save money.
Nobody told me this, so the first time I picked up the phone and this happened, I said “Oh, hi Aunt Rose!”
Everybody yelled at me.
Now, when I get collect calls from the rest home, I just hang up and don’t call back.
Ferguson Fitts
Ferguson Fitts ran a four-minute mile.
The store was four minutes away, and Ferguson ordered something for pickup.
“I’ll be there in a minute!” Ferguson hollered into his phone, and he ran to the store.
A minute later, Ferguson was there.
“Thank you,” he said to the salesperson, handing him a dollar and grabbing a bag. “See you next time!”
Ferguson then ran home.
It took more than a minute, because he had a bag in his hand.
And after running a four-minute mile, Ferguson is a little winded and can’t run so fast.
And, man, he smells really bad.
Alabama vs Clemson
Someone came up with the bright idea to end the college football season with a playoff.
Four teams were invited to play against each other, and, in the end, it was Alabama playing Clemson.
Oh, sure there were other teams playing in bowl games, but all that really mattered was that final game.
The rest of it was just noise.
NFL scouts only watched Alabama and Clemson.
Teams only drafted Alabama and Clemson players.
Pretty soon, every other college gave up on football.
One game a year: Alabama and Clemson.
Which gave more time to enjoy college basketball’s March Madness.
On the shoulders of daddys
Tinny likes to cuddle with me.
It’s easy for her to cuddle with me when I’m lying down.
She walks on to my shoulder, curls up, and goes to sleep.
If I am sitting up, she’ll walk on to my lap and curl up on there.
But if I’m leaning forward while sitting up, she’ll walk on to my shoulders and sit on my back.
It’s not very comfortable for me, and I’m sure it’s not easy for her to maintain her balance.
But she tucks up and purrs, which means she’s happy, and that’s all that really matters, right?