Sheldon

At every party Sheldon goes to, the conversation will stop and someone will say “Well, wait a minute… what does Sheldon think.”
Nobody says a word. Every eye is turned to Sheldon.
Sheldon looks at his watch and counts the seconds.
Five… ten…
Until the second hand makes a full turn around the face of his watch.
Usually, he’s got some kind of great insight.
Unlike others, Sheldon thinks before he speaks.
But once, he couldn’t come up with anything.
And the party became a riot. He was torn limb from limb.
Well, wait a minute… what do you think?

The Devil’s voice

Grandma said that I shouldn’t say such things.
“You can’t let The Devil take your voice.”
When I did bad things, she said I was letting The Devil take my hands.
Even if I didn’t say or do bad things, I thought them, and Grandma said I was letting The Devil take my head.
Grandma said lots of things, but so did The Devil.
And I gave him my ears, and I listened.
Walking out of Grandma’s burning house, holding her severed head by her hair.
Laughing.
Yes, I gave myself, whole, complete, to The Devil.
And I liked it.

The last football

Lucy pulled the football away from Charlie Brown one too many times, and he snapped.
Went into his Dad’s shed and got out an axe handle.
One whack, and Lucy went down hard.
Charlie dragged her corpse to the ramshackle psychiatrist stand, dug two nickels out of the can, and put them on Lucy’s eyes.
He ranted for hours before the adults found them.
Too young to prosecute him as an adult, so they put him in Juvie.
His sister Sally got the fucked-up dog.
Schroeder played piano at Lucy’s funeral.
And Linus left his blanket on his sister’s grave.

One upon an evil time

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess.
Her father promised her to an evil prince.
The evil prince killed all of his rivals, and every adventurer trying to free the princess.
The princess had no choice, and she married the prince.
Then, that night… while the prince and the princess were alone.
The princess killed the prince.
Because she was evil too.
She burned down the prince’s castle, killing everyone.
And she brought the prince’s head to her father.
“Our plan worked,” she said. “Both kingdoms are ours.”
And they lived happily…
Until someone more evil came around.

Dialing up the pain

I watched Soylent Green last night.
Did you know that Edward G. Robinson was dying during that film?
Bladder cancer. He died nineteen days after shooting completed.
The pain and anguish that Charleton Heston had as Thorn wasn’t just acting.
It was real.
He was suffering because his friend… his mentor… his colleague was also suffering.
The death scene was, literally, Robinson’s death scene.
If you ever need a boost in your performance, look someone you love in the eye.
And remember: one day, possibly soon, they will be dead.
When the pain becomes too great to bear, roll film.

Unholy Blood

The imam pounded the pulpit, screaming how Jews were the sons of apes and pigs, and were killing babies for blood to put in their holy bread.
That’s when the earthquake hit.
So many dead and crippled.
When Magen David Adom offered aid, the government refused it.
A few more of the dying died, a few more of the suffering suffered longer.
And yet, why did I give to Magen David Adom?
If anti-Semitism prevents victims from allowing Jews to save them, then let them bleed out into the gutters.
Because we don’t need that blood for matzoh after all.

Weekly Challenge #701 – NET

Yawn

NORVAL JOE

Surprised by Ms. Frunsio’s request, Billbert could only shrug. “Okay. I guess.”

When Linoliumanda started to follow, the principal held up her hand like a traffic cop and said, “No. Just the boy.”

At the side of the dance floor, Funsio turned on Billbert. “I saw that guilty look on your face when the lights came on. Tell me what you had to do with this fiasco, and don’t lie. You could easily be caught in the web of your own deception.”

“My what?” Billbert was truly confused.

“Don’t toy with me, boy. I know you’re guilty,” Ms. Frunsio said.

TOM

Wife and Three Kids

It was the mid-80s and the river of money was running deep in Bay area. Unfortunately my oldest friend had moved to the center of dying America. Farming communities in the Midwest were being depopulated by the effect of the Clean Water Act. He had bought a failing cake shop and gave it his all for 3 years. With a wife and three kids Dan was always on the edge of going under. On one late night call he told me he would measure the level of gas in his car to compute his current net worth. Times were tough.

SERENDIPIDY

He sat on the edge of the bed, transfixed, as I slowly removed, first my blouse, then slipped out of my skirt.

I swear he was drooling as I snapped off my suspender belt straps, then slowly and sensuously began to roll my fish net stockings down, and off, dropping them carelessly on the floor at his feet.

His eyes filled with lust as I teased off my lingerie.

Then lust became horror, and disgust, as I produced a scalpel, and began peeling away my skin, exposing the muscle and sinew beneath.

I beckoned to him…

“Your turn, lover boy”

LIZZIE

No one had ever seen such a gigantic bug. The Mayor met with the police to come up with a plan. There was panic in town. And then came the models. The bug’s wings flapped and flapped, creating a swoosh that made every aspiring model in town shake their manes. The others looked perplexed. The town was on the verge of collapse and they struck poses? Suddenly, the bug flapped its wings faster and everyone ran for shelter. Well, not the models. The bug flapped away, while the models waved their arms in the air. No one saw them again!

RICHARD

The Gospel According to Norman – The Parable of the Fisherman

Verily I say unto you, there was once a fisherman who spent his entire day casting his net over the left side of his boat, yet caught no fish.

His companions sat at the lakeside laughing at his fruitless efforts. Later that day, the Master came walking towards him upon the surface of the water.

“My son, you must have faith – cast your net over the other side, and believe”

The Master returned to the shore, where the disciples were waiting with pizza, fries and cold beer.

“Can you believe that guy?”, said the master, cracking opening a bottle.

PLANET Z

My Uncle Bob said if you cast your net wide enough, you can catch pretty much anything.
My Uncle Steve said that using a net to catch anything wasn’t very sporting.
Use a hook and bait. Now that takes skill.
Neither Uncle Bob nor Uncle Steve would catch any fish.
So, Uncle Jerry would pull out a stick of dynamite, light it, and toss it over the side.
A whole lot of dead fish would float to the surface.
He’d scoop them out with Uncle Bob’s wide net.
Uncle Steve shook his head. “Dynamite’s not very sporting, either,” he said.

Empires fall

We have seen empires rise and fall around us for five thousand years.
Every one of them tried to exterminate us.
But we have survived.
And we will survive you.
When your empire falls, as you fight over the scraps and loot the rotting corpses, we will help build the next one.
As we’ve done time and time again.
As doctors. As lawyers. As teachers. As slaves.
We will help rebuild.
When the next empire turns on us, as they always do, we will watch it crumble and fall.
Until the day we outlive you all, and build our own.

ALS

It’s been three years since they diagnosed me.
The disease hits fast. it takes away everything.
There’s not much left I can do.
I can’t do anything for myself.
I’m trapped inside of me. Here.
I can blink. I can look around.
But not much else.
What you’re hearing now is my voice.
But I recorded it, and they processed it.
So I can look at this screen and spell out words.
The computer does the rest.
I piss myself. I shit myself.
A tube in my throat breathes for me.
I can go on for years like this.
Why?

The Slide

There was a spiral slide in my grandfather’s warehouse.
You’d put a crate or box on the slide, and it would end up at the loading dock for pricing and shipment.
I thought about jumping on that slide and riding down it, but I never did.
Despite my brother’s attempts to shove me on to the slide.
I always wondered why glass bottles of pickles or prune juice didn’t shatter when they went down the slide and hit the rubber stop on the ground floor.
I guess they were packed well in their boxes and crates, with well-designed cardboard spacers.