Category: My stories

The Adventures of Mustard Man – Chapter 17

427857

Whether you call it Sulfur Mustard or Mustard Gas, it doesn’t matter. It’s a chemical weapon with no relation to mustard itself besides the slight mustard or garlic like odor if it’s impure.
Otherwise, it is odorless and tasteless. There’s absolutely no warning you’ve been exposed to it until your skin blisters a few hours later.
Or when you die.
On the other hand, Mustard Man Mustard has a savory bite to it. And it doesn’t make your skin blister. Most of all, it won’t kill you.
Unless someone crushes your skull with a jar of it.
Be careful, okay?

The Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln 44

422528

It was Christmas at the White House. Everyone was getting into the holiday spirit.
Except Abe, of course. He’d grumble and roam the halls instead of decking them with boughs of holly.
So, Mary Todd convinced him to play Santa Claus. Being so thin, they figured he could actually slide down the chimney.
However, they didn’t count on the amount of padding it would take to get him to fill out the suit. Or the fact that he was so tall.
The suit looked ridiculous. Gangly, gaunt black-bearded Santa.
So, they celebrated Hanukkah instead, burning Southern cities instead of candles.

Simple Math

411713

The warden got tired of screaming at Governor Jackass about running out of room on Death Row. Simple math: too many walking in, not enough leaving feet-first.
On the day the last empty cell was taken, the warden got word yet another prisoner was coming.
No room. That’s when he took matters into his own hands: Any new prisoner coming in that needed a cell would have to kill a man for his cell.
One in, one out. Simple math.
Eventually, word got out.
Horrified, the governor put a new warden in office.
The old one left feet-first. Simple math.

Accidents will happen

419550

The Wonkavator didn’t work as expected. Instead of flying around the city, amazing the occupants as it danced around the sky, the carriage was smashed to bits against the top of the elevator shaft.
You see, the blueprints called for a sturdy bullet-resistant glass with a steel skeleton on the carriage and an ultrathin shatterglass cap on top of the elevator shaft.
Someone got them reversed, and that got Wonka, Grampa Joe, and Charlie shredded into a bloody pulp.
Strange, orange-faced midgets gathered up the bloody bits, put them in canvas bags, and alerted the factory’s lawyers of the accident.

The Box

392905

I see you like the box. Would you like to know what it does?
Press the button once, and the box will buzz.
Press the button two times, and the box plays music.
Press the button three times, and the music stops.
Press the button four times, and the box will sparkle with pretty green lights for five seconds.
Press the button five times, and the box will emit a cloud of lemon-scented steam.
Whatever you do, don’t push and hold the button.
What happens? Well, according to my blueprints, the world ends.
Fifty bucks?
You have yourself a box.

Hello, God.

366573

It was a nice day out until the meteors came.
Or maybe they were asteroids. Or comets.
I have no idea. I’m no astronomer.
Big rocks, smashing into the earth. How’s that?
Good.
All I know is that one minute it’s nice and sunny, and the next minute I’m holding my hands to my bloody ears, screaming at the sky.
I think I’m screaming, because I can’t hear myself. My throat is raw and I’m shaking.
And then I stop.
If my ears have blown out, then everybody else’s have.
What’s the point of screaming if nobody can hear you?

The Torturer’s Apprentice

358893

So people are whining about prisoners getting tortured?
Big freaking deal.
The problem I have with it is that we’re getting bad intelligence out of these scumbags when we torture them.
The best interrogator can get information out of a prisoner without leaving a scratch or the prisoner even knowing that he’s played his whole hand.
But where’s the fun in that? For what they’ve done, some of these bastards deserve to suffer.
Now pass me the cordless drill and the handmirror. This goddamned son of a bitch blew up a convent and I want him to see his spleen.

The Adventures of Mustard Man – Chapter 16

440866

Before the days of over-the-counter cough syrup and inhalers, people used something called a mustard plaster.
To make them, they’d grind up mustard seed and mix it with flour and water to make a paste. Then they’d put that stinky goop on a towel and hold it to their chests.
The warmth and aroma helped people breathe. Although it did sometimes burn the skin because it was left on too long.
These days it’s pretty rare that someone knows how to make a good mustard plaster.
I know how to make them. Why do you think my breathing’s so clear?

The Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln 43

462025

Abe stopped the horse in the middle of the stream and began to cry.
“I want a new horse!” he moped. “This one is tired.”
“That’s not a good idea,” said his wife Mary Todd. “You’re in the middle of a stream.”
“Can I put on new pants, then?” asked Abe.
“Why on earth would you want new pants?” asked Mary Todd. “Did you have some sort of accident?”
“I’d rather not say,” said Abe.
“I’ll find out eventually,” said Mary Todd. “I’m the one who washes them, you know.”
Abe shrugged, smiled, and then ordered the burning of Atlanta.

Jesse’s Girl

432872

Ever since he first heard the song, Dr. Odd has been working hard on getting Jesse’s girl for Rick Springfield.
At first, he tried pheromones and hypnosis. That just made her confused and somewhat psychotic.
He considered violently removing Jesse from the picture, but that would just get the girl worried about Jesse.
Finally, he decided cloning was the correct route. Using accelerated growth tanks, he produced a perfect biological replica.
Without any of the emotional or intellectual experience of Jesse’s girl, of course. Her mind was a complete blank.
As for Dr. Odd, well, success hasn’t spoiled him yet.