Perfect Potatoes

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The potatoes are perfect?
Good. I’m glad you like them.
You know, I always kept things in the oven just a little too long.
So, I had the temperature turned down just little on the oven.
Things turn out just right now.
I could have just set the timer a little quicker, but I’m such a stickler for time.
Fifteen minutes is fifteen minutes. You can measure it with a clock or by counting.
But temperature? Can you really tell the difference between three hundred and fifty degrees and three hundred and forty degrees?
Thought so.
So, want more potatoes?

Weekly Challenge #141 – Thumpin

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Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Forty-One where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was… was…. um…
It’s a combination of: Thumpin
The excellent theme music is by Guy David
VOTING

Which were the best stories in Weekly Challenge #141?
Anima from http://zabbadabba.com/
Justin from http://www.thebeandom.com/spaceturtle
Tom from http://midi.libsyn.com/
Caleb from http://blacktiemartiniclub.com/
Snipe from http://mjpaxton.com/
Norval Joe from http://www.norvalsoutlook.blogspot.com/
Ashley
Jeffrey from http://GreatHites.blogspot.com
Guy David from http://guydavid.com/
Planet Z
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Go ahead and listen to them and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):


Anima

Hey man, can joo help me? I need a thumpin…
A thumping? Are you sure?
Si! A thumpin! I wanna… Ai ai ai! What was dat for? Why joo hit me?
You said you wanted a thumping. I grew up with 3 older brothers, so I’m always glad to administer a well placed thump, ‘sides, you practically begged me for it.
Joo is crazy. I need a THUM-PIN! Joo know, de pointy ting to stick up notícias! So I can sell a guitarra.
Ah! What you want is a thumbtack Sorry José. Just take one from these flyers over here.

Justin

Above and below the neighbors were loud. A rumbling bass below, heavy thumps above. I bought the seeds from an old crone at the Saturday market. I planted one in two different pots. I put skin flakes in the soil. Drops of blood went in the water. When the plants were a foot tall, I pushed some discarded human teeth wrapped in human hair to the roots and watered the plant with pure blood. I gave one to each of the noisy neighbors. The plants flourished overnight. In the morning, I heard some short screams, then nothing. Finally, some quiet.

Tom

At the Northwest pillar of the Eiffel Tower is the only public toilet within a quarter mile radius. While waiting for my traveling companion a woman dress in vaguely arab attire approved me asking in halted English if I was an American. She opens a fold piece of paper I note the phrase “no money is six month” and “child with Leukemia”. I open my wallet all I got are 50s and 5s. As I hand her one moving at me from my far right a second women open a fold piece of paper will even sadder tale. I reach in pull out a second five and tell her she better not have a third sister.

Caleb

Another night and Bambi couldn’t sleep because Thumper was thumpin’ again. Bambi understood that Thumper was a rabbit but they were still in their Freshman year of college and Thumper already had 72 kids. How could Bambi ever take any doe back to their dorm with all those kids running around and thumper thumping all the time like that? Eventually he snapped. The lack of sleep, the pressure, the unresolved mother issues all collapsed onto him at once so he took a rifle up to the bell tower Nobody could understand it, Bambi had always been such a dear.

Snipe

The Hamper kids had always been inseparable. So when Bumpin had the bright idea to knock over the local bank, he knew Bouncin, Thumpin and Grindin would be along for the ride. Everything went smoothly until the getaway, when it all went wrong. Thumpin jumped on the bumper of the accelerating car. An eager deputy got off an unlucky shot, and Thumpin went down. The car screeched to a halt. His brothers walked back, and stood by while the paramedics worked. Then the three went to a shared cell, and Thumpin was alone for the first time in his life.

Norval Joe

Wolf-guards sat on each side of the stockade door, squatting like gargoyles. Large wolves heads rested on the knees of the oversized humanoid bodies where they crouched.
Through the darkness lambada, the half-orc, crept, step by step, slowly, between the guards. Their eyes shut, nostrils flaring, searching for the scent of humans.
With the strength of an orc and the agility of a human he silently picked the lock and eased the door open.
Through the gloom, he found the form of the outlaw leader. It was a woman’s form.
Lambada lisped under his breath, “Me think thumpin not right.”

Ashley

Sylvester had always been the laughing stock of Fairhaven. Someone would tell him a story and his reply would always be, “Ain’t that thumpin,” which brought great laughter from the locals. Sylvester took it with a smile.
One day, a ticket bought locally hit the Powerball jackpot. Sylvester dropped out of sight shortly thereafter.
Due to the economy and mismanagement of funds, the town went belly-up. Fairhaven was later purchased by a mysterious financier at bankruptcy court.
One week later, all the residents were evicted and the town razed. “Now ain’t that really thumpin,” said Sylvester with a huge smile.

Jeffrey

“Thumpin.”
“That’s not my name.”
“Whatever, just get over here.”
“My name is not Thumpin.”
“I heard you. Just get over here, and bring that stool.”
“Not until you get my name right. I’m the proud son of great dwarf the people we’ve been here for thousands of years.”
“Yeah, I’ve heard it before. But right now I’m the queen and well you are not. So get over here Thumbkin son of Thorkin servant of my older brother, and bring that stool so I can rest my feet.”

Guy David

It was a party like no other. You had to wear a black tie and drink your martini, but the rest of your clothes… those you would often take off during an evening of a-humpin’ and a-thumpin’. The party would then turn into a mess of arms and legs, intertwined in an imbroglio of ecstatic people. No one would notice as the floor would slowly rise and the beast that dwells in the ceiling would swallow the whole mess, then spit everyone out again, laughing. That’s when the party at The Black Tie Martini Club would really begin.

Planet Z

Satchmo died on a Monday, we bury him on Sunday.
No preacher for the service, no band.
Just Coffin Jack Thumper.
He starts with a few taps, a few slaps.
Bang! Bam! Slam!
The lid flies open.
Bam bam bam!
He’s pounding the wood so hard, the body’s shaking… Leaping up… Dancing to the
beat.
The floor shakes. The rafters sway.
Thumper’s got Satchmo dancin one last time.
Hallelujah!

The Forest Of Fourteen Trees

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Once upon a time, this was a vast forest, with trees as far as the eye could see.
Now, there are only fourteen trees, crowded together in a housing subdivision.
We, the elves of the forest, once frolicked and hunted.
Now, we argue over pizza toppings and order delivery.
It’s not easy, clinging to the past when the future has clearly defeated it, but we are forest elves, and we can no more abandon them as a fish can leave the water.
The government calls us an endangered species, but the gnomes were, too.
They’re gone now, and soon, us.

Stuffed

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It’s just a simple fact of life:
You can stuff a chicken.
You can stuff a bra.
You can stuff a bra in a chicken.
You can stuff a chicken in a bra.
Those awful cookbooks and fashion magazines – I blame them for this madness among our children!
It’s unhealthy! It’s unsanitary! It’s unamerican!
It used to be you’d just see this on the news from savage places like Belugastan or the North Indies.
Now, you see it all over the mall. These damn crazy kids with their tattoos, piercings, and poultry-filled undergarments!
The world has gone to Hell.

Old School

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We’re at the bar, watching the ball drop in Times Square.
“I still write last year on my checks,” I say. “I always do stupid shit like that. What about you?”
She puts her drink down. “You still write checks?” she asks. “No online bill payment?”
“I like the feel of writing a check,” I said. “Pointing and clicking doesn’t feel the same.”
“What about using credit cards?”
“Nope. I’m really, really old school.”
She laughed, signed for her tab, and left.
I asked for my tab.
“Two chickens, Bill,” said the bartender.
I handed over the cage.
Old school.

Old Men

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Two old fishermen sat on the dock, the bucket sitting between them.
They’ve been there for years, fishing every day.
The first old man catches a fish, and then, he lets it go free.
Then the other old man catches it and lets it go free.
Back and forth, that fish got caught over and over.
He liked the taste of the bait that much.
And the two old fishermen hated the taste of fish.
“Caught that same damn fish again?” said the first old man.
“Yup,” said the other.
They dropped their poles and left the dock for home.

Tie You Up In Knots

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I know my knots. I know every knot.
Though I may be old and blind, you can give me any rope and I can put any knot in it that you want me to put in it.
Hand me a rope with a knot in it, and I can tell you what kind it is in ten seconds.
This rope around my ankles, I know.
Same with the rope around my wrists.
The one around my neck is another matter, though. Give me a minute on that.
Pull on them all you want – all my secrets will die with me.

The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln #98

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Abe rubbed the back of his head and moaned.
“Stop that moaning!” said a deep voice.
Abe looked around. Clouds everywhere.
“Is this Heaven?” Abe asked.
“Of course, stupid,” said the voice. “Any other questions?”
“Why did you create so many common-looking people?” asked Abe.
The clouds parted, and God walked out. “See?”
Abe winced and looked away. “Ewwwwwwww!”
“Well, I made Man in My image, right?” said God.
“You’re right,” said Abe. “Sorry.”
“Anything else?” asked God.
Abe trembled. This was his chance to ask The Creator about the Meaning of Life.
“How did the play end?” he asked.

Weekly Challenge #140 – Lambada, Dragon Burgers, Coal, Bail, and Wrapping Paper

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Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Forty where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was… was…. um…
It’s a combination of: Lambada, Dragon Burgers, Coal, Bail, and Wrapping Paper
The excellent theme music is by Guy David
VOTING

Which were the best stories in Weekly Challenge #140?
Caleb from http://blacktiemartiniclub.com/
Uva Oxide from http://lost3dent.blogspot.com/
Norval Joe from http://www.norvalsoutlook.blogspot.com
Justin http://www.thebeandom.com/spaceturtle
Anima from http://zabbadabba.com
Brad Z from http://mutecow.net
CeN from http://censtwocents.blogspot.com/
Ashley
Tom from http://midi.libsyn.com
Guy David from http://guydavid.com
Planet Z
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Go ahead and listen to them and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):


Caleb

They say you have to know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away and know when to run. And so far that has been good advice, for me anyway. But as yet nobody’s ever told me when to scream dragon burgers while dancing the lambada and wrapping a bail of coal in paper, setting it ablaze and pouring a pint of papaya liqueur down my trousers.
I can tell you this. You really shouldn’t do it in the library, or church and especially not in any International Airport. Tomorrow, I’m trying Dow Chemicals.

Uva

Triumphant ! mutant mouse cut the dragon’s stomach open with his laser wand as if it were wrapping paper and extracted the dragon burger – double peopled crispy as bacon stomach to stomach as if dancing the lambada with a bail of coal speckled charred cabbage as a bun.
Mouse recognized the crazy lab-techs who had made him what he is, the ultimate soldier, bred to be in a disposable army, to fight wars in place of men of the future, sent back with the dragons they had made in the future to fight them, to the past avenge their makers.

Norval Joe

The others thought the half-orc was stupid and eyed him surreptitiously where he sat turning dragon burgers on the coals of the campfire.
“Lambada, you stupid oaf, is the food ready yet?” One of the group sneered. The outlaws had enlisted the half-orc to help rescue their leader from the king’s prison. The leaders bail had been set higher than the outlaws could afford.
Lambada would be unrecognizable to the wolf-guards trained to scent on humans.
The outlaws thought Lambada was stupid, and deaf as well.
The king pays better.
They would get their leaders head back, in wrapping paper.

Justin

I’m at the Dragon Inn eating a burger. A bard strums up a lively lambada. Several of the drunker patrons sweep up barmaids into dances. In a small brown paper wrapped box is a diamond ring. I hand it to Iliza as she passes by with a few empty tankards. She opens it and gasps, then slaps my face. I pick the ring up. The wizard who’d sold it said the diamond was magical and would turn into a less stable form if my love had been unfaithful to me. Pocketing the coal ring, I decide it’s time to bail.

Anima

No bail, Jingle. 11 months hard labor at the Kringle Coal Mines.
With all that is going on in the world, I’m gonna need more stockpiles for next year.
From now on, when I say jump, you ask “how high”.
When I say dance, you’re gonna lambada like Carmen Miranda.
And when I ask for a dragon burger, you better not bring me reindeer sausage.
You should have thought twice about sponsoring Christo on his wrapping paper installation at the North Pole. I find his art so bulgar.
You’re about to learn: No one messes with the Jolly Fat Man.

Brad Z

Dragon’s guarding the treasure right…what does Fred throw at it….A piece of coal! My Gods did that thing get mad.
“Nother Dragon Burger?”
Aye….hey Lambada told ya not to put those on.
Magic dancing shoes aye. Had a cousin put on magic boxing gloves once. We used a roll of bail ta tie him up with until the wizard got them off him.
What happened to the gloves?
Some diplomats had gathered for a peace treaty in this village so we wrapped the gloves in paper and gave them as a gift. Nice war resulted from that.

Cen

I stood on the porch as the uniformed man gave me the news.
We were being evacuated; it was the only hope for survival.
On my left, Mr. and Mrs. Jones were doing the lambada in the yard, apparently deciding to stay behind.
On my right, old man Smith, sipping a milkshake and holding a Dragon Burger still in the wrapping paper.
I stepped slowly onto the almost empty bus, apparently very few felt the need to bail.
The sky turned orange as we drove away and I realized a lump of coal would never mean the same thing again.

Ashley

Ring
“Hello.
Oh God, what a night.
I went to the party dressed as a present, covered with wrapping paper.
My date went as a chunk of coal. What was I thinking?
I did the lambada at the party. Thank God I didn’t go commando.
My date got into a fight with Mickey Mouse and I was too just damn drunk to bail her out. I didn’t really like her anyway.
Then, I had a dragon burger at home and it gave me the shits.
God, what a night. I’ll never do that again.
Alright, talk to you later.”
Click

Tom

Maurice had been trafficking Whitby Jet cross The Wired for 40 cycles. The Red Judge allowed him to place property in lieu of incarceration in keeping with the 12th century Statute of Westminster. This was timely Maurice was competing in the Strong Hit Brazilian dance finales. The Victorla keep skipping back to track one on The Best of Cream, but this just caused Red to laugh and fall all over Maurice flapper beads flying in the wind. After hours of toughing bellies Red said. “Let’s get some charbroiled Smaug,” “Don’t forget the pickles.” Oh the horror life in a Tiny Mud.

Guy David

Little Timmy opened the wrapping paper to find out Santa has left him with a lump of coal. This made him so happy he just had to dance the Lambada. “I could use this to start a little barbecue at the schoolyard” he said happily, “I could even bring my favorite beef, Dragon Burgers.” His parents had to bail him out again, though they should have been used to it by now. Only last year, he scorched Santa’s beard after he gave him a barbie doll by mistake and the year before that he put fire crackers up the chimney.

Planet Z

We put word out on the wire that all ten terrorists were dead.
Nine bodies stacked in the the morgue.
“Want to join them?” I told the detainee.
He spat in my face, so I took out a cordless drill.
The torture worked. We were getting the detainee to talk.
One problem – our translators were worthless.
Lambada dancing in Fallujah.
Delivery of Dragon Burgers, distribute to agents
Whisper of Coal, pile up the hay bail and hoe-down
Check the Wrapping Paper for the signal key
Obviously they’re using nonsense code words.
Pass me a fresh drill bit.

Monkey Fuckers

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You wake up in pain, reeking of sweat and stale bananas.
Another night, another monkey fucked.
This shit’s too sick for Oprah. She thought you were fucking guys in monkey suits or something.
This is the real deal. Oh you’ve tried. Lord knows you’ve tried, but there’s no special patch – only the real thing will do.
They bite and scratch, but that makes it more exciting. Gets you off harder than if they just sit there, screeching.
Curious about little Curious George, aren’t you?
Hold my hat. My yellow hat.
Let me show you how to really grind an organ.