When you wish upon a star, you really shouldn’t be standing in the middle of a busy freeway.
Especially if you’re wishing for something like “First star I see tonight, get me the fuck off of this busy freeway right now!”
You’d be better off running as fast as you can to the side of the road. And not wearing black, because you’ll get hit no matter what.
No, that doesn’t mean you should quickly wish for reflective clothing, either.
In fact, forget about the wishes, and forget about the freeway.
How about we just play some Ping Pong, okay?
Tag: cliche
The Tupperware Party
We’re holding a Tupperware Party at my house.
No, we’re not showcasing food containers.
We’re a political party. And we’re planning a revolution.
We hope to preserve the union, the constitution, and individual freedoms.
How will we do that? Simple, really.
By encasing everyone in plastic containers, of course. And by pushing down the lids to burp out any air.
We’ll start by sealing up all of the current political leaders in Washington. And capitals across the world.
Once peace breaks out, we can unseal them.
Make sure to label everything. Although creamed spinach is much more popular than Congress.
The Wrong Watson
James Watson was a diligent lab assistant, but his boss liked to smoke opium. Instead of inventing the telephone, he’d get stoned and pretend to be Sherlock Holmes.
“The game is afoot!” shouted Alexander Graham Bell into the receiver.
Watson walked down the hall and into Bell’s office. “What did you say?” he said.
Bell would laugh, pick up the violin, and play.
Badly.
Later, Bell shouted “Does LeStrade have another case for us?” into the receiver.
“Yes,” shouted Watson back. “It’s the case of Shut The Fuck Up And Invent The Telephone.”
Bell smiled, and then invented the bitchslap.
Superman’s Drunk
Superman’s drunk.
How can you tell?
His cape’s on backwards. And he’s got his boots on the wrong feet.
Plus, he’s wearing his glasses. Usually he remembers to take those off.
Then there’s the fact that he just killed Lex Luthor.
He ripped off the guy’s head and flew around Metropolis, shouting all kinds of crazy stuff.
Yeah, YouTube’s overloaded from people uploading and watching videos of all this.
Everybody’s out in the streets or hanging out of windows with their camera-phones, taking pictures and video.
Except Jimmy Ollsen.
He’s off somewhere, fucking Lois Lane.
And that’s why Superman’s drunk.
Can of worms
Where did the expression “can of worms” come from?
Well, long ago, bait shops would sell worms in pails with lids.
If you wanted to bait a hook, you had to pry off the lid and pull out a worm.
Once the pail was open, you had to close it back up. Otherwise, the worms would crawl out and escape.
So, it’s not the opening a can of worms that’s a problem, but not putting the lid back on it.
If you use worms.
I catch fish with dynamite. To blow a hole in the wall of the fish market.
Rotten Eggs
Around Christmastime, people make a deal of Santa trackers. And the weatherman likes to add a Santa animation to the Doppler radar.
But when it comes to the Easter Bunny, does anybody watch that varmint?
No.
They really ought to. Because bunnies can be nasty little creatures, and they have really sharp teeth.
And Easter Eggs have a pretty short shelf life. As pretty as the dye and glitter job is, you do not want to tear open and eat a hard-boiled egg that’s been sitting at the bottom of Peter Cottontail’s basket all night.
Stick to the chocolate ones.
You’re such a HO HO HO!
Usually, Santa’s so reliable on Christmas, delivering toys to all the good boys and girls.
However, this year he missed a lot of deliveries, and got a bunch of others mixed up.
It’s totally my fault. I’m sorry.
How so?
Well, I slipped some GHB into the milk I left out with the cookies, and it fucked up his memory.
Look, I only wanted to get a little holiday action with the jolly old elf, but I guess I put too much of the drug in there.
Still, it was worth it, even if I’m on the naughty list forever.
Haunted
Blake ran the video arcade at the mall until a poorly-grounded Galaga box electrocuted him.
When the real estate company tried to put a shoe store in that location, Blake’s ghost scared off all the customers with all his yelling and throwing things around.
Same with the novelty gift shop, the jeans outlet store, and the cell phone place.
Exorcists and supernatural “experts” failed to remove Blake.
So, we put a laser tag maze in the spot, but called it Ghost Hunters.
It would work better if Blake wore a sheet instead of a Pac Man tee-shirt and jeans, though.
Count Your Gooses Before They Hatch
You’ve heard of the goose that laid the golden eggs, but have you heard of the golden goose that laid eggs?
I’m not sure which is weirder: An inanimate object laying living, organic eggs or a living creature laying solid metal eggs.
I tried to explain this to the guy who owned the golden goose, but he just wanted to melt the goose down and sell the gold.
“Have you seen the price of gold?” he replied.
“This is a miracle goose!” I pleaded. “You can’t melt it down!”
He did anyway.
The goose turned out to be gold-plated lead.
Pieces Of Eight Medal – Talk Like A Pirate Day
Most pirates spend their downtime at their favorite watering-hole, dockside brothel, or the local jail awaiting trial.
On the other hand (assuming you have another hand, and not a hook), Walter the Pirate had always dreamed of winning an Olympic gold medal.
He was a pretty good windsurfer, and none of his shipmates could beat him at Ping Pong, but he was best at freestyle swimming.
But what national team would sponsor him?
France?
England?
They had bounties on his head.
Eventually, Somalia sponsored him. (Somalia loves pirates), but he was disqualified for having a dagger clenched between his teeth.