When my wife went on vacation, she told me to have a good time, take care of the cats, and not break anything.
I’m batting zero for three.
I broke my elbow, haven’t had a very good time in the hospital having my elbow rebuilt, and it’s hard to take care of the cats from a hospital bed.
I haven’t told her any of this because she hasn’t turned on her phone, and I don’t have the number of the place where she staying.
Oh well. it’s a vacation, right? So, have a good time – that’s what really matters.
Tag: medical
The Cord
When I arrived at the emergency room on Saturday, alone and helpless, my phone battery was dying.
My friends contacted the hospital gift shop, and by the time I reached my room, a spare charging cord was delivered.
That phone was my lifeline to family and friends.
On Monday, my mother-in-law arrived with my laptop, and I pulled out a spare cord from the laptop bag.
Just then, a careless orderly broke the gift cord.
It lasted just long enough to do its job, and then sacrificed itself so the orderly wouldn’t break anything else important, like my other arm.
It’s Bath Time
I stood naked in the bathtub, a black plastic bag tied around my broken right arm.
Sitting down slowly in the warm soapy water my first real bath in a week.
It felt so good the water on my skin, the heavy stink of the hospital bed slowly scrubbed away by the washcloth in my wife’s hands, gliding over my body.
I lean forward, and she scrubs my back.
I lean back, and she scrubs my chest.
My neck.
My legs.
My good arm.
She leaves me there in the tub to soak and think.
Just breathe, and weep helplessly.
The Pills
Today, I broke my elbow.
I got careless on my bike and fell.
Tomorrow, I will have orthroscopic surgery to set the bone with pins.
Until then I am laying in this hospital bed, texting friends with my good hand and writing crap like this.
Sadly, the medication is not strong enough to make this story interesting.
All things considered, I’d rather none of this be interesting. I’d rather have had a twisted or sprained elbow and a taxi cab home.
Or no injury at all.
The nurses here with my pills I’ll ask for stronger stuff. (for your sake)
Drooling
My job is to write technical documentation.
Because we have so many global customers, I need to write in a manner that makes it easy for translation engines to translate my documentation into many languages.
To help me, I bought a Global English style guide.
The more I use it, the more I realize that I have poor grammar and write in rambling sentences that translation engines choke on, spewing out confusing nonsense.
This is turning me into a neurotic drooling mess, unable to communicate.
Wait. Am I drooling?
Oh my God! Please don’t let my last word be “drooling!”
The Mad Tongue
It’s been a long time since I had my teeth cleaned.
So long, that the tartar buildup warped the shape of my teeth and gums significantly, but my tongue easily got used to the gradual change in topography
A bit of tartar broke away, and the resulting jagged crag drove my tongue insane. I licked that spot constantly.
When I finally had all the tartar removed, my teeth were clean and tartar-free smooth.
My tongue, unused to the new shape, roamed the interior of my teeth crazily like an idiot in a round room told to stand in the corner.
Glaciers and Teeth
Despite having insurance, I hadn’t gone to the dentist in ten years.
My gums bled.
And chunks of tartar flaked off like icebergs falling off of glaciers.
Finally, I went to get my teeth checked after a large chunk came loose, making me think I’d broken a tooth.
Four cleanings and a lot of blood later, my teeth have changed shape, and I am constantly probing and licking that area.
I can’t stop. It’s maddening.
So, I wear a mouthguard. I don’t talk.
And I brush constantly. Religiously.
I’m sure I’m wearing my teeth down.
I lick that spot again.
That’s the way the tooth crumbles
While eating a Greek salad and some meatballs, the back of one of my teeth started to crumble apart.
I knew this day would come eventually. My teeth and gums have always been a problem, no matter how much I brush and floss.
I thought I was covered for these things, but my old job killed my insurance last week instead of next month. I’ll be paying out-of-pocket, and then have to file a claim when the COBRA kicks in.
The dental appointment is tomorrow, but for now, I’ll go to the corner store for gum.
To patch the hole.
Gastronomical Orchestra
Laying back after an exceptional meal, I listened to the squelches and squishes inside my belly.
The more unusual the meal, the more unusual the sounds.
So, I went on an epicurean adventure, seeking out incredible unusual foods to construct melodies, harmonies, choruses… I recorded them all and mixed them together into the most amazing gastronomic symphonies.
For live performances, I’d throw a banquet, and offer up dishes that would turn the audience into my orchestra.
As long as I received more curtain calls than citations from the health department for food poisoning or cases of gastritis, I was happy.
Life Coach
Years of therapy didn’t help.
Mountains of pills didn’t help.
Shelves full of self-help books didn’t help.
If anything, my life’s gotten more confusing and out of control.
So, I hired a life coach.
For three weeks, he followed me around and took notes.
Then, he called me into his office and said:
“I’m benching you.”
Another guy got up from a chair, patted me on the shoulder, and said “No hard feelings?”
Since then, I’ve been sitting here and watching him live my life.
And you know what?
He’s doing just great! I should have done this years ago!