George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
George had a habit of using his dagger to whittle bits of wood off of the ship’s railing as toothpicks.
Other pirates picked up this habit from George, and after a week, the whole ship looks like it had been clawed up by a dozen angry cats.
“Enough with the toothpicks!” said the captain. “Stop carving my ship to pieces!”
After that outburst, George left the ship alone.
But he tried to carve a toothpick off of Peg Leg McGinty.
McGinty caught George, and brained him with a club.
George and Old Smitty
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Old Smitty wasn’t much better, but he outranked George, and he bossed George around.
He made George do dumb or dangerous things.
Because George didn’t know any better, he’d go ahead and do it.
“That was dumb and dangerous, George,” said the captain. “Also, you did it wrong.”
“I’m just not a very good pirate,” said George.
So, the captain kicked George off the crew.
Standing on the dock, watching as his ship sailed away… and then exploded.
George figured that Old Smitty did something dumb and dangerous correctly.
George’s bully
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Calico Keith, on the other hand, was more like what you’d imagine a pirate would be.
He drank, he fought, and he did it all with swagger.
At his funeral, pirates came from all around to pay respects.
George watched the others raise their tankards in a toast.
“HAIL KEITH!”
After everyone left, George dropped his breeches and pissed on Keith’s sailcloth-wrapped corpse.
“You ugly bully,” he murmured.
One of the pirates snuck up on George and shoved him into the grave.
George growled, and planned his next murder.
George the Pirateman
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
How did he become a pirate?
Well, if George existed in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, he could have been like Spiderman, who was bitten by a radioactive spider.
George could have been bitten by a radioactive pirate.
(Radioactive pirates exist, right? From one of those atomic bomb tests?)
Except that would have made him PirateMan. Which sounds weird.
And unlike Peter Parker, who was a teenaged photographer, slinging webs and stopping crimes, George was a pirate, which is a criminal profession.
Even if he wasn’t very good at it.
George and pie
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was careless with the ship’s supplies, and they were always running out of whale oil for the lamps.
So, George scrounged, and he found a box of Pumpkin Spice Yankee Candles that he’d been meaning to wrap as Christmas presents.
He distributed them throughout the ship and lit the wicks.
Then, he went to sleep.
When he woke up, the whole ship reeked of pumpkins, and he had a craving for pumpkin pie.
Everyone did.
“Set a course for the Whidbey Island Pie Shop!” shouted George. “Full sail!”
George the reality star
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Still, the network wanted George to star in their reality show.
Their first idea was to follow George around, but whatever equipment survived the shipwrecks was stolen and fenced by his crewmates.
The producers changed the format to teams of contestants performing pirate tasks, and George acting as the host.
Frustrated with sponsorship and product placement, George tore down the Jolly Roger flag with the McDonalds logo in the middle.
“I’ll be in my trailer,” he growled.
George didn’t have a trailer. He just wandered around the backlot, growling.
Weekly Challenge #902: It’s a dirty job
RICHARD
Dirty
“It’s a dirty job, but somebody’s got to do it.”
I looked at Toby cynically.
“What are you talking about, mate? How is being a talent scout for glamour magazines a dirty job? It’s not like you’re a sewage engineer!”
Toby gave me an exasperated look. “Why do you always have to take things so literally? It’s irony! It’s supposed to be amusing.”
“It’s not funny” I countered.
“Suit yourself” he replied, “you’re just jealous.”
“Not at all. I love being a sewage engineer… The smells, the filth, the rubber, hot babes.”
He smiled, “Is that irony?”
“Yeah. I’m learning!”
LIZZIE
He sat surrounded by orange and red and yellow pillows. All he could think of was to get rid of her. That’s where he was in life. “Let’s have a cocktail at the Sundown Lounge,” she said. “It’s so fancy!” Her voice shrilled throughout the fancy rooftop. And now, here he was, pondering whether he could break the glass he was holding, and stab her with it quickly enough. Well, he did try. But the damn lounge had some pretty sturdy glasses. “It’s a dirty job, but someone’s got to do it,” he later told his cellmate. “I trust you.”
SERENDIPIDY
Someone has to do the dirty jobs.
The muck-rakers, the toilet scrubbers and the collectors of night soil. The gatherers of carrion and the bringers of death and decay.
They have their place, and although despised and looked down upon by society, they fulfil a need.
Theirs is the domain of darkness and stench, the place of pain and putrescence, and without them, life would fester and rot, with no-one to prevent its fall into chaos.
So celebrate those of that foul domain, and remember their worth.
Personally, I wouldn’t deign to touch them
That’s your job, not mine!
TOM
Thick as Thieves
I couldn’t have been greener. But my mentor in the party was an old hand at the more dubious craftsmanship of Rat Fuckn. “It’s a dirty job, but someone hast to do it.” He would quip slowly, as he surveying the room, finally letting his gaze fall on me. The funny thing about the dirty job is the goal was not to let a stray finger press make its present known. He reminded me we were not spooks; we were shadows. We did not change outcomes we merely shaded perceptions. And the price He smiled was never done dirt cheap.
NORVAL JOE
As the three walked along the foggy road, a van from the “Someone’s gotta do it” septic service stopped next to them.
The driver asked. “Do you kids need a ride?” He smiled, exposing large yellow teeth.
Linoliamanda stepped toward the van. “Sure.”
“No. Wait,” Billbert shouted.
The van’s door slid open and six burley teenagers jumped out, grabbing Billbert and his friends.
Too late to join hands and fly off, Billbert said, “Come on, Sabrina. You’re the weather witch. Do something.”
“Right,” she said, turning to face the ocean. The fog separated and a giant thunderhead barrelled toward them.
PLANET Z
A long time ago, I had a son.
He grew up big and strong.
And one day, he went out but never came back.
He never came back again.
Sometimes, I think I see him hiding in the bushes.
Or up in a tree, in the shadows.
It’s been years since he left, but I know he’s out there.
And one day, when my days are done, it will be my time to go out and never come back.
And I will find him.
Maybe you’ll see us, in the bushes, up in a tree.
In the shadows together, forever.
George the Beekeeper
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was always coming up with get-rich-quick schemes.
Lately, he’d been getting into beekeeping.
“Farmers in California pay a fortune to get their crops pollinated,” said George, putting on his beekeeper’s mesh and lighting his handheld smoker.
The ship’s deck was swarming with bees, crawling on and flying around the dozens of hives George had built.
“We can also sell the honey they make,” said George.
The rest of the crew, covered from head to toe with bee sting welts, hated the idea, and they pitched the hives overboard.
George’s body camera
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He’d done some questionable things, so the captain ordered that George wear a body-mounted camera to record George’s misbehavior.
The results were horrifying.
George deliberately aiming his cannon at the water to avoid hitting a ship.
George giving candy to a baby instead of taunting the baby with it.
George putting money in a church’s poorbox.
“Not even a single chortle or act of indecency!” bellowed the captain. “You’re suspended!”
George was demoted to desk duty.
There was a candy dish on his desk.
Every baby got a piece.
George in the rest home
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
You know how there’s the Motion Picture & Television Country House and Hospital?
They keep the old Hollywood actor and actress types there.
Well, there was also an old pirate rest home.
And George ended up there.
“But I’m only twenty-three!” yelled George.
The nurses had orders to keep George sedated.
He shuffled around in a hospital gown, his ass hanging out.
Pushing along a walker with wheels.
He spent a lot of time watching the television.
Not really knowing what was going on, not aware of anything, really.