George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
His captain was annoyed at the fact he’d tell George to do something, and then. days later, he’d find out that George had screwed it up.
“I’m tired of waiting to find out that you’ve screwed up my orders!” yelled the captain. “I want this nonsense to stop!”
The captain hoped that George would stop making so many mistakes.
Instead, George learned how to screw up quicker. And louder.
That way, the captain didn’t have to wait so long.
“On second thought, I’d rather not know,” said the captain.
George and the Fever
Surrounded by treasure and the ghosts of the men who he killed for it.
George lay in bed, sweating and pale from a high fever.
“The good pirates don’t die in their beds,” said George’s old captain.
George reached for a pitcher on the nightstand, but his fingers slipped on the handle.
“You weren’t so clumsy when you killed me.”
The pitcher fell to the floor.
George hit the floor with a grunt and a long, painful moan.
Servants came in to put George back to bed.
Towels to mop up George’s sweat.
And a fresh pitcher on the nightstand.
George Puzzled
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He spent a lot of time below decks with jigsaw puzzles.
No, not those simple Playskool wooden puzzles with 6 or 7 pieces.
These were serious ones, with 5,000 pieces.
And he worked hard to solve them before the cardboard pieces swelled with the moist sea air.
The captain complained that the hold was filling up with jigsaw puzzle boxes and leaving little room for cargo.
He had George toss them overboard.
But, still, at every port, George would pick up a new puzzle.
And work on it diligently.
Weekly Challenge #881 – TOGETHER
The next weekly challenge topic is: Block
SCRIBBLING WREN
Mum Saves the Day
Paul had anticipated most things so was always half expecting the knock on the door from the police apparently today investigating a missing local girl.
They showed him a picture of Sally, who was currently tied up in his spare room.
“No sorry, never seen her.”
A woman shouted from inside his house and the Officers stepped forward together, knowing they’d got the creepy bastard at last.
“Paul! I think I’ve shat meself.”
He looked embarrassed.
“Sorry, I’m Mum’s carer, I think she needs me.”
Paul closed the door, let the tape recorder play a while longer before hitting stop.
RICHARD
Fidelity
“Really? You spent the night together in the same bed with your secretary, and nothing happened? Nothing?”
“I had no choice, darling. They’d booked us into the same room by mistake. I promise you, nothing happened, except sleep.”
She gave me a hard stare.
“It never happens again. Right!”
I nodded. She knew I wasn’t lying – she always knew when I lied, it was like a sixth sense. I was telling the truth, and she knew it.
Frankly, after sex in the shower, on the balcony, and against the wall, when we got into bed, all we wanted was sleep!
LIZZIE
The string of lights reminded me of you.
It reminded me of those days we spent in the cinema parking lot, next to the industrial fan, barely able to hear each other.
The string of lights reminded me of you and me.
It reminded me of the shouted out tunes that were just laughter.
It reminded me of when our fingers touched by mistake and we didn’t know what to do.
Did you say “I love you”?
The string of lights reminded me of us.
The cinema is now gone but I can still hear that silent I love you.
TOM
Can I bring my friend to tea?
Since I am old, I remember a time before the Beatles. Before was pretty much street corner crooning. Well and motor town and actually Mississippi blue, well all that, but the Beatles got so big they could record just about anything they wanted. Case in point: All together now. Not exactly Wagner there. Being in the States I don’t get that Music Hall Vib. After a dozen pints I bet it is a riot. Chop the tree, sail the boat, look at me. Ok, I’m smiling. Guess after 50 years it has succeeded cause we are still all together now.
Now, The Reason For My Absence.
It’s been near half a year, but I can barely acknowledge my oldest friend’s death. So, it is a bit hard to work him into this length explanation. We could go back 40 years, but that would be way too much plot expo. Let’s land on Podcasting. Jim, God rest his soul, said he was listening to a podcast of two kids from Wisconsin talk shit for 45 mins. I said, I don’t have a Ipod. Sorry got to hit pause here. I had no idea I was about to be answering that question regularly for the next two full years.
SERENDIPIDY
‘Together, forever’
I traced the words with my finger, carved all those years ago, when I thought that our love would always endure.
It didn’t.
He lied.
However, I kept my promise, and when he tried to walk away from me, I broke his legs. I cut out his tongue to stifle his curses, and chained him in the cellar, where he remains grovelling to this day.
I know he hates me with a passion, and I certainly no longer love him, but a promise is a promise, and together, forever, we will remain.
Whether we like it, or not.
NORVAL JOE
Had Billbert and Sabrina not been zooming above the treetops, they would have skidded to a stop. Instead, they hung together in the air as Billbert considered what the old man had said.
“They still have Linoliamanda. We have to do something, Sabrina. Can you bring a wind to knock their house down?”
Obviously Sabrina was not as comfortable hanging out fifty feet above the ground as her fingers gouged Billbert’s arm where she gripped it.
“Remember, Lillywanda is in the cabin, too. And, any wind strong enough to level the building would also blow us out of the air.
JRADIMUS
Another Productive Meeting
“Welcome, All. Have a seat. Quickly, please. We’re short on time. If you’re wondering why I called this meeting – it means you didn’t read the agenda in the invite.”
“Come on, Frank. Knock it off. You do this every time. Just get on with it already.”
“Listen, Little Mike – I say it every time, because everyone always asks what the meeting is about. So if you want me to stop doing this, read the agenda. With that out of the way, I’ll “get on with it”: Item one, Safety-”
A whistle blows. “Shift change!”
“Wait! I just started… Damn it.”
PLANET Z
Our last salvage run was a colony shuttle that flamed out on its way to Mars.
Thousands of bodies in the sleeper pods.
The cargo looked interesting.
Dead withered plants in the hydroponics bay.
The engines were completely shot.
We grabbed the computer system and fuel, and gave the rest a boost back on course to Mars.
An orbital tug could grab the thing and get it to a waystation for offloading.
We messaged Mars Authority so they’d know to catch it before it slams into the planet.
Another colony ship is being launched.
We’ll see if it’s another salvage.
George and the gorilla
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was fit enough. He had the education for it.
But things never seemed to work out for George.
“It’s all in your mind,” said the captain.
So, George went to a therapist.
The therapist told George that the problem was as obvious as an 800-pound gorilla in the room.
George looked around for the gorilla, but he couldn’t see it.
“It’s a metaphor,” said the therapist. “It means something big and scary and obvious.”
So, George bought a gorilla.
But when he tried to weigh it, it escaped.
George puts a cork in it
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Any time his fellow pirates would uncork a bottle of wine or rum, he’d ask for the cork.
He’d put them in a canvas bag in the hold, and when the ship would dock at port, he’d drop them off at the cork recycling center.
Where the cork would be processed into shoe soles, corkboards, building insulation, and floor tiles.
And, of course, new corks for wine and rum bottles.
Some of which ended up in the hands of George’s shipmates.
“Mind if I take that cork?” said George.
George is averse to stabbing
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was averse to stabbing.
Whether it was George doing the stabbing or others stabbing George, he was averse to it.
Some thought this to be cowardly, but hacking and slashing weren’t a problem for George.
Well, when George was doing the hacking and slashing.
When others were doing it, George was somewhat averse to those, obviously, but not as averse as he was to stabbing.
So, George wore armor. Very thick armor.
Under a giant foam-rubber pirate mascot outfit.
And, from inside, George loudly cheered on his crewmates.
George and the capslock key
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was always hitting the capslock key when typing up memos .
“That’s shouting,” said the captain. “Only the bosun is supposed to shout.”
“Do you shout?” asked George.
“No,” said the captain. “That’s what the bosun is for.”
To solve the problem, George took the capslock key off of his keyboard.
But he forgot to unset capslock.
“Order a new keyboard,” said the captain. “And just hold the shift key to get lower case while you wait. Oh, and…”
“YOU’RE AN IDIOT!” shouted the bosun.
“See?” said the captain.
George and the three R.
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
But as they say, those who can’t do, teach, so George was transferred to the prestigious Pirate University.
He pretty much stuck to the basics and the books, and the three R’s:
Reading, Riting, and ARRRRRRRR.
And, yes, pirates are so bad with spelling, Riting does start with an R.
George was so bad a teacher, none of his students graduated.
Heck, none of them survived their classes.
They all ended up buried in the university’s swimming pool.
Desperate for more crewmen, George’s old ship reluctantly hired George back.
George the pen pal
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was a lot better at being a pen-pal, and he sent letters to many people around the world.
Since he was out at sea a lot, they took a long time to hand off to a post office at port.
So George decided to become a full-time naval postal carrier.
He organized other carriers to transport messages from ship to ship.
Until the captain put an end to his fledgling enterprise.
“Raise the Jolly Roger,” said the captain. “And fire the cannon. That’s the only message we’ll send.”